Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1, Page 3
Lucretia P. Hale
me, mother!" exclaimed her son. "That blue ribbon--have youbeen wearing that at the temperance meeting?"
A loud laugh went up on all sides.
"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at theribbon in surprise.
"Why, mother, dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I wore at theshow?"
The gold lettering on the ribbon read:
Atlanta Poultry Show. First Prize. Bantam.
* * * * *
At a dinner party recently given the subject of regular hours andplain diet was discussed. Several had spoken when one of the guestsremarked, "You may not believe it, but for ten years I rose on thestroke of six, half an hour later was at breakfast, at seven was atwork, dined at one, had supper at six, and was in bed at 9.30. In allthat time I ate the plainest food and did not have a day's sickness."The silence that followed was awful, but finally another guest asked,"Will you permit a question?" "Certainly," was the reply; "what do youwish to know?" "Well, just out of curiosity," said the other, "I wouldlike to know what you were in prison for?"
* * * * *
Watch--"Eight bells, and all's well!"
Mrs. Pohunk (feebly)--"I guess, Josiah, he hasn't looked on this sideof the boat lately or he'd know better."
* * * * *
When the minister, who was a bachelor, had been helped to Mrs.Porter's biscuits for the third time, he looked across the table atRhoda, staring at him with round, wondering eyes.
"I don't often have such a good supper as this, my dear," he said, inhis most propitiatory tone, and Rhoda's face dimpled.
"We don't, always," she said, in her clear little voice. "I'm awfulglad you came."
* * * * *
The late Charles Matthews now and then failed, like some of the restof us, in meeting his bills as promptly as the tradespeople concernedcould desire.
On one occasion a brisk young tailor, named Berry, lately succeeded tohis father's business, sent in his account somewhat ahead of time.
Whereupon Matthews, with virtuous rage, seized his pen and wrote himthe following note:
"You must be a goose--Berry, to send me your bill--Berry, before it isdue--Berry.
"Your father, the elder--Berry, would have had more sense.
"You may look very black--Berry, and feel very blue--Berry, but Idon't care a straw--Berry, for you and your bill--Berry."
* * * * *
A clergyman in a Lawrence church on a recent occasion discovered,after beginning the service, that he had forgotten his notes. As itwas too late to send for them, he said to his audience, by way ofapology, that this morning he should have to depend upon the Lord forwhat he might say, but in the afternoon he would come better prepared.
* * * * *
An American visiting London for the first time, goaded to desperationby the incessant necessity for tips, finally entered the wash-room ofhis hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tipthe basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee,turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"
* * * * *
Mother could not attend church one Sunday. "But what a shame thatlittle Mabel should have to lose the day's lesson, and she _such_ abright child," she sadly reflected. Accordingly, Mabel was sent alone.When she returned, in reply to her mother's interrogation as to thesubject of the text, she replied, "Oh, yes, mother, I know; it was_'Don't get scared: You'll get the quilt.'_" Questioning failed tothrow any light on the matter. Some days later the mother met thepastor, who, in answer to her request for the subject of his lastsermon, replied, "It was, madam, 'Fear not: Ye shall have theComforter.'"
* * * * *
Mark Twain in his lecturing days, reached a small Eastern town oneafternoon and went before dinner to a barber's to be shaved.
"You are a stranger in town, sir?" the barber asked.
"Yes, I am a stranger here," was the reply.
"We're having a good lecture here to-night, sir," said the barber, "a'Mark Twain' lecture. Are you going to it?"
"Yes, I think I will," said Mr. Clemens.
"Have you got your ticket yet?" the barber asked.
"No, not yet," said the other.
"Then, sir, you'll have to stand."
"Dear me!" Mr. Clemens exclaimed. "It seems as if I always do have tostand when I hear that man Twain lecture."
* * * * *
During the visit of the Shah Nasr-ed-Din to England he dined one nightwith the then Prince of Wales, now King Edward. Among the courses wasone of asparagus, a delicacy unknown to the Shah. He considered it fora time, discovered that the head alone was nice to eat, ate itaccordingly and flung the rest of the stalk over his shoulder. Theother diners were somewhat flabbergasted, but the tactful Prince, notwishing his Persian guest to feel that he had done anythingridiculous, promptly followed his example, throwing his own stalksover his shoulder. Naturally all the courtiers imitated him in turn,and the amazement of the royal servants was extreme to see the airsuddenly full of flying asparagus stalks from one end of the lengthyroom to the other.
* * * * *
On one of his frequent trips to the other side, the weather being morethan ordinarily rough, and the passengers on deck but few, the lateBishop Potter saw a lady reclining on one of the benches, and theunearthly pallor on her face and the hapless languidity of her mannerindicated that she had reached that state of collapse which marks thelimit of sea-sickness. "Touched by this piteous spectacle andapproaching the poor creature, in my most compassionate tone I asked,'Madam, can I be of any service to you?'
"She did not open her eyes, but I heard her murmur faintly: 'Thankyou, sir, but there is nothing you can do--nothing at all.' 'At least,madam,' said I tenderly, 'permit me to bring you a glass of water.'She moved her head feebly and answered: 'No, I thank you--nothing atall.' 'But your husband, madam,' said I, 'the gentleman lying therewith his head in your lap--shall I not bring something to revive him?'The lady again moved her head feebly, and again she murmured faintlybetween gasps: 'Thank you, sir, but--he--is--not--my--husband.I--don't--know--who he is!'"
* * * * *
"Well, Bobby, how do you like church?" asked his father, as theywalked homeward from the sanctuary, to which Bobby had just paid hisfirst visit.
"It's fine," ejaculated the young man. "How much did you get, father?"
"How much did I get? Why, what do you mean? How much what?" asked theparent, astonished at this evident irreverence.
"Why, don't you remember when the funny old man passed the moneyaround? I only got ten cents."
* * * * *
One day a fussy fellow met Father Healy of Dublin by the seashore andthus accosted him: "Father Healy, I am undergoing a cure, and I take atumbler of sea water three times a day. Now, I've had my fullallowance to-day, but do you think I might have one, just one, tumblermore?"
Father Healy put his head on one side and looked at the ocean, lost inthought. "Well," he said, at last, with a gravely judicial air, "Idon't think it would be missed."
* * * * *
Wm. M. Evarts asked by a lady if he did not think that woman was thebest judge of woman, he replied: "Not only the best judge, madam, butthe best executioner."
* * * * *
De Wolf Hopper was calling down a speaking-tube to the janitor of hisapartment in New York. Mr. Hopper, unable to get the information hedesired, finally blurted out, "Say, is there a blithering idiot atthe end of this tube?" The reply came back with startling rapidity,"Not at this end, sir."
* * * * *
Mrs. S.--"Surely, John, you haven't brought anyone home to dinner?"
Mr. S.--"Sure I have. Haven't you got anything for them?"
"Why no, you told me you'd bring home a couple of lobsters fordinner."
"So I have, they're in the parlor."
* * * * *
One of his grandma's maids of honor tells the following story ofPrince Eddie when he was a few years younger:
Just after King Edward's coronation, when he underwent an operationfor appendicitis and was lying convalescent, he sent for hisgrandchildren.
The little ones trooped into the room, cautioned by their nurse thatthey must keep very quiet, and stood about
