Two Loves and One Decision

looked around the crowded café and notice all the smiles and grins of each customer, she looked at how they express themselves with their hands, eyes and even by the tilt of their heads. She could tell they all had something good to say just by each facial expression, she could zero in on the thoughts of their faces. Clarissa however wonder if they could zero in on her expression, the tight fists balled under her chin, the empty look in her eyes as though she was looking at a blank canvass, lips slightly submerged within her mouth to keep from sighing. She knew her look did not fit with the crowd at the café, she was never good at faking a smile, and she almost always wore her emotions on her sleeves. Clarissa tried to focus on the woman holding her poodle in her arms while the woman tried to sip on what appeared to be a cappuccino in a mug and the poodle trying to take a lick of it as well. Clarissa looked down at her watch and noticed that it was getting late. “I wondered what could be taking Josh so long”. She had been waiting over twenty minutes for him to arrive at the café and over thirty-eight years to come into her life and purpose marriage but for some reason Clarissa just didn’t have that giddy girl feeling that most soon to be brides have. This is not what she envision for herself, she wanted to be in a perpetual feeling of joy, a sense of comfort of the man of her dreams, a never ending smile of what was soon to be the greatest thing that has happen to her so far in her life. This is what she has been waiting for since she could play with dolls, even into her teenage years, pretending her prom was her wedding, picking out wedding dresses well into her early thirties, making her guest list and remaking her list every time some one passed or moved on in her life. She knew the honeymoon destination, the pattern she wanted all the way down to name placement and invitations. So why is she so unhappy? It couldn’t be the man of her dreams, Josh looks was something to write home about, beautiful dark streamline features, a smile that carried him into perfection, the most glowing green eyes that twinkled in the sun, tall, fitting to be fit, unrealistic beautiful smooth skin and to back up his looks, charming personality, character of good morals and values and not to mention a wonderful sense of humor that would win any woman over on the first date. So what’s the problem in the high time of joy, why the feeling of unknowing. Clarissa decided to take one last sip of her now luke warm espresso, she waited long enough and she knew she had to get back to walk her dogs. “Clarrisa, Clarissa!” It was surely a sigh of relief but at the same time a sigh of uncertainty. “Josh! What to you so long”. Clarissa said returning to her seat. Josh sat beside her instead of across from her, he said he wanted to be as close as possible to her every time they would have an outing together. “I am so sorry Rissa but I had a client that called me up and wanted to take another look at the house on Pebblerock rd, remember the one I was telling you about, I tell you the house is gorgeous and at one point two million it should be, I couldn’t take a chance and neglect my client on a deal like this”. Josh went on and on about the new client that he felt would be taking the pebblerock house, sure the house was something to brag on, I mean why not it’s a five bedroom four and a half bath house with a tennis court, forty-two hundred square feet, with a home theatre I might add and sitting on five acres of land it was the perfect house, I myself got a chance to walk through the house with Josh and just would envision us living in something that beautiful but for right now all I wanted to do is to talk to josh, it definitely was a lot on my mind. “Josh”. I said as I slightly touched his hand. Josh stopped talking and looked at me quizzically. “I’m sorry Rissa, here I am going on and on about the new deal I probably might be getting and I didn’t ask you how you are doing, sorry”. Josh said as he touched the end of her nose with his nose. “Josh, I ….I...” Clarissa said nervously. “What is it Rissa, you seem upset, did something go wrong at the shop”. He said looking directly into my eyes. The shop was the last thing on my mind right now besides Crissy is there and she can handle everything, Mom taught both Crissy and I how to handle the pet shop business while we were yet in diapers. No, right now this is more important, getting off my mind what is really bothering me. “Josh listen, I have been waiting for someone like you all my life and when we met I knew instantly that we would be great together”. Clarrisa said clenching his hand in both of her hands. Josh looked quite puzzled, his eyes was transfixed on clarrisa eyes as though he was a deer caught in headlights. “Clarissa, don’t be nervous just say it, what’s on your mind”. Josh said squeezing her hand. “Josh I can’t marry you”. Clarissa said looking down at the table. “What …why...I don’t understand”. He said lifting her chin to face him eye to eye. “Rissa what happen from yesterday until today, we were just going over the honeymoon package and the travel arrangements”. “I know Josh but I have been thinking for some time now and I realize that ...well... I”. “Rissa don’t you love me”. Josh said as he looked deep into her eyes trying to search out the answer. “I do, I really do...but I love myself as well, I love myself to much to settle for someone who don’t have the same religious beliefs has I have….”. “ Beliefs! Rissa, we went through marriage counseling and we discovered that we have the same values and then some, surely that cannot be the reason”. “Josh, I want someone who believes in God and well….you really don’t believe and I can’t commit to that”. Josh sat back in his chair and relaxed his shoulders, he tapped continuously on the table with his index finger, like he always does when he tries to find the answer to something he needs to say. “ Clarrisa, we have gone over this a hundred times and I explained before that it is complicated, for me to believe in a God I would have to have reason and I just don’t have any reason to believe and besides I told you that I do believe it was meant that we should be together, you’re my soul mate”. Clarrisa sighed in desperation for answers but unfortunately it didn’t come the way she wanted it to nor did his answer change since the last conversation. “why won’t you open that part of your life to me, why won’t anyone in your family explain what the problem is about belief in God”? Clarrisa said frustrated. “I have explained too many times Clarrisa that my family is very private and they would respect if you would honor that”. Clarrisa just couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Besides for that issue his family was great as long as you didn’t bring up any issues concerning God. His mother is creative, funny, always smiling, a great cook, family oriented, sits on many of the board meeting for the township, active in communities event, his dad charismatic, charming, talented with his hands, volunteers in the communities, coaches for baseball and basketball little league and that just half of everything but when it comes to the conversation on God, that’s when the fun ends. “I understand”. Clarissa said as she slipped off the engagement ring and handed it back to him. “You can’t be serious, this is ridiculous, come on Rissa let’s try to work this out”. Josh said pushing the ring back in her hand and holding it there. “No Josh, my parents raised Crissy and I to believe in God and I want a family to continue that tradition with, I don’t want a family that is torn in the middle when it comes to a family crisis, I want a family that will stick together and pray together”. “Can we work something out Ris”? Josh said as moved closer to her in his seat. “I’m sorry Josh, I really am but I can’t do this, I just can’t”. Clarrisa said as she put the ring on the table and stood up. “By the wedding being four months away, I still can cancel everything, I love you I really do but I love God more….I’m sorry Josh”. Clarrisa said as she turned quickly to leave. “Clarrisa, Clarrisa Please…” Josh said as he stood up. Clarrisa rushed out of the café as on lookers looked at Josh. Josh stood in the middle of the crowded café still stunned. “Sir, are you alright can I get you anything”. The male waiter said. Josh was pulled back into reality with the waiter deep voice. “Uh…no...No….I�
��m o.k.” Josh went back to where he originally was seated with clarrisa and tried to figure out in a year time how she could come to such a decision without even talking to him about it. Josh looked straight ahead, not really staring at anything in particular. He tried to recap what just happened from the beginning of the conversation but all he could do is focus on Clarrisa turning away from him and leaving him to stand all by himself. Josh thought that he could never love and for a long time he didn’t even know what love was and why people made a big deal about it. He saw it on television, read about it in books, went to plays and witnessed it but never could grasp the whole idea of love. Sure he has been on many dates but some were better than others but he just couldn’t feel anything that the rest of his buddies were feeling when they would find the one. He was beginning to feel that it was something wrong with him. He would even force himself to continually date just to see if that