hasn’t pleased one yet.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Between men and women there is no friendship possible.
There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
—OSCAR WILDE
BODY
(OR LACK THEREOF)
BODY
OR LACK THEREOF
Think you’re too fat? Too skinny? Too tall or too short? Too sweaty? Too wrinkled? Imagine what Spanx would do if we got all Zen on our looks. Don’t worry, I’m not going soft on you. It’s not going to happen unless we suddenly enjoy looking like we’re at Friendly’s on a Sunday afternoon. (Ever driven by one of those joints? It’s not pretty.) Sometimes you just want to vent. Or rant. Or lay it on the line. Sometimes you want to scream, “Hey, how about a salad?” or “Have you heard about this new thing called soap?” or “Say, can I buy you some gum or a package of breath mints?” or just plain “Get away from me. You smell.” There’s got to be a better way ...
She lost 100
pounds, but that’s
because she was
poached for ivory.
Hey, you have
something on your
chin ... the third
one down.
Can fat
people go
skinny-dipping?
Look at the bright
side ... fat
people are harder
to kidnap.
They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.
If you didn’t have feet, you wouldn’t wear
shoes ... so why wear a bra?
Dancing with her
was like moving a
piano.
How would
you like to feel
the way you
look?
I may be fat,
but you’re ugly,
and I can lose
weight.
No, those pants
don’t make you
look fatter. I
mean, how could
they?
You’re so fat,
your car has
stretch marks.
His dog
fantasizes about
other legs when
he humps his.
Beer with no
alcohol is like
a nun with a
D-cup.
It ain’t the size,
it’s ... no, it’s the size.
If you’re
worried about
criticism,
sometimes a diet
is the
best defense.83
83 Arrested Development
Life and Death
Either he’s dead, or my watch has stopped.
—GROUCHO MARX
WHEN IT COMES TO these two things, life and death, no one’s got a clue. Oh, everyone has an opinion and usually feels little compunction about sharing that opinion with you, regardless of how loudly thou doth protest....
What to do about all that whining 81 ... I say snark and snark hard. Stop ’em in their tracks. Put the kibosh on it. Pull the rug out from under ’em. ... slay ’em. (Not literally, mind you.) Irony on a base level but still good stuff.
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
—MARK TWAIN
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
—CATHERINE AIRD
He would make a lovely corpse.
—CHARLES DICKENS
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
—HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE
A lifelong Republican was lying on his deathbed when he suddenly decided to join the Democrats. “But why?” asked his puzzled friend, “You’re Republican through and through ... Why change now?” The man leaned forward and explained, “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”
The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest.
You are always being asked to do things, and yet
you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
—T. S. ELIOT
My mother always said that every time you do a good
deed here on Earth, you’re storing up a treasure in
heaven. Which means Mother Teresa’s probably got some
beachfront property up there and I’m up to a box of Milk
Duds and a Pez dispenser.
—ROBERT G. LEE
A lot of people say they think that Los Angeles is a heartless place that breeds insincerity and mistrust. But you know, I found that when I first moved there, I didn’t like it, but after a while, something inside me died.
—JAKE JOHANNSEN
End of season sale at the cerebral department.
—GARETH BLACKSTOCK
His mind is open ... so open that ideas simply pass through it.
—F. H. BRADLEY
Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it’s all over much too soon.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
She’s a waterbug on the surface of life.
—GLORIA STEINEM
Stay with me; I want to be alone.
—JOEY ADAMS
Match the Person to His Final Words82
Louis B. Mayer
Lady Nancy Astor
Carl Panzram
Humphrey Bogart
James W. Rodgers
Winston Churchill
I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis.
I’m bored with it all.
Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you’re screwing around.
Am I dying, or is this my birthday?
It wasn’t worth it.
A bulletproof vest. (Asked if he has any last requests before facing a firing squad.)
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
—GEORGE CARLIN
I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.
—CLARENCE DARROW
A woman went into a hospital to have her wrinkles removed but woke up to find the surgeon gave her breast implants. “What have you done?” she screamed. “I came in here to have the lines taken out, but instead you’ve given me these huge breasts!” “Hey,” said the surgeon, “at least nobody’s looking at your wrinkles anymore.”
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
—GARRISON KEILLOR
Every creature stalks some other, and catches it, and is caught.
—MIGNON McLAUGHLIN
She never was really charming till she died.
—TERENCE
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.
—OSCAR WILDE
Things Not to Say at a Funeral
I should have said something earlier ... but I really, really need his kidney.
Whoa. I didn’t know we were supposed to dress up.
You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Boy, you wouldn’t believe the day I’m having.
Pull my fin
ger.
See, kids? This is what God does to the bad ones.
Who needs gum?
Could I drop you off somewhere—say, the roof?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Death is hereditary.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
He is as good as his word—and his word is no good.
—SEAMUS McMANUS
I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
—LEONARD LOUIS LEVINSON
Larry King: “You don’t look ninety.”
Milton Berle: “I don’t feel it.”
King: “How old do you feel?”
Berle: “I feel like a twenty-year-old—but there’s never one around.”
I don’t mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.
—GEORGE AXELROD
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
—GEORGE CARLIN
A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.
—JAMES DUFFECY
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”
Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief.
Then I wouldn’t have to talk to you.
—KATHARINE HEPBURN
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
—MARGARET SMITH
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page, and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.
—PATRICK MOORE
You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good ... Joan Crawford is dead. Good.
—BETTE DAVIS ABOUT JOAN CRAWFORD
I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided.
—ROBERT T. MORRIS
The world is rid of him, but the deadly slime of his touch remains.
—JOHN CONSTABLE ON LORD BYRON
I have lost friends, some by death—others by sheer inability to cross the street.
—VIRGINIA WOOLF
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
—WINSTON CHURCHILL
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
—MOLIÈRE
Epitaphs
Here lies my wife: here let her lie. Now she’s at rest and so am I.
—JOHN DRYDEN
Where his soul’s gone or how it fares; nobody knows, and nobody cares.
—ANONYMOUS
Hotten Rotten Forgotten.
—ON JOHN HOTTEN
In Conclusion
SO I SAY UNTO thee, snark! And it will set you free!
(Always wanted to do that ... you know ... in a big voice like those preachers that dress like pimps? Falwell and those guys...)
Is there anything we’ve learned here? Yeah, there’s a lot of people with huge bugs up their asses, no? Including yours truly. ...
The difference is in finding a way to channel that angst and anger at the time and come back quickly with just the perfect amount of snark in your voice and words. It will set you free. Or send you to prison.
Say hey to Bubba for me.
Acknowledgments
I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE friendship and support of three brilliant people who have been through this before: My wife Rosalind, who has the patience of a saint and a snarky sense of humor all her own; my editor, Ann Treistman, who kept me on track, gave me lots of encouragement and kicked my ass when necessary; and Mark Mirando, a great friend with a wit to match.
Throughout the writing of this book, a number of folks looked at what I was doing and helped me shape the content. They are: my mom Janet, James Naccarato, John and Jenny Morris, Mike Jones, David Gilson, Bill Rafaelle, Glen Greenberg and the amazingly snarky staff at the Owl Bar, the incomparable Omuni Barnes and everyone at GPP, Tony Lyons and the Skyhorse gang, Karen Patterson and Stephanie Beam, and a host of many others who were there when needed.
Index
ABBA
Abbey, Edward
Adams, Douglas
Adams, Joey
Adams, Scott
Agnew, Spiro T.
Aird, Catherine
Ali, Muhammed
Allen, Fred
Allen, Woody
Aristophanes
Arlen, Michael
Arrested Development
Asquith, Cyril,
Asquith, Margot
Astor, Lady Nancy
Attila the Hun
Auden, W. H.
Austen, Jane
Axelrod, George
Baer, Arthur
Bankhead, Tallulah
Barbie
Barr, Roseanne
Barrie, James Matthew
Beatles, The
Beaton, Cecil
Beatty, Warren
Beckett, Samuel
Beethoven, Ludwig Van
Bellow, Saul
Bennett, Alan
Berle, Milton
Best, George
Best, Pete
You were wise to remove the curtain rings. ◆ May your soul rest in eternal piss. ◆ You are a mere burp in the great buffet of life. ◆ You are the man of the moment. Oops, moment’s passed. ◆ You look like a million bucks! (All green andwrinkled.) ◆ I don’t want you to turn the other cheek; it’s just as ugly. ◆ I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. ◆ I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission! ◆ Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that’s very typical of you. ◆ If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative. ◆ It’s men like you that make women gay. ◆ Save the planet! Kill yourself! ◆ You’re the reason God created the middle finger. ◆ You are proof that God has a sense of humor. ◆ You can’t fix stupid. ◆ You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool. ◆ I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. ◆ You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication! ◆ In man’s struggle against the world, bet on the world. * He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
Bevan, Aneurin
Bierce, Ambrose
Big Sleep, The
Black, Lewis
Blackstock, Gareth
BMW
Bogart, Humphrey
Boleyn, Anne
Bolt, Tommy
Bon Jovi
Bono
Boras, Scott
Borge, Victor
Braddock, Bessie
Bradley, F. H.
Bradshaw, Terry
Brien, Alan
Brilliant, Ashleigh
Brooklyn Dodgers
Broun, Heywood
Brown, Jerry
Brown, Rita Mae
Brown, Scott
Browning, Elizabeth Barrett
Browning, Robert
Bruckner, Anton
Bryan, William Jennings
Buchanan, Pat
Buchwald, Art
Buffet, Warren
Bulwer-Lytton, Edward G.
Burns, George
Bush, George
Butler, Samuel
Byron, Lord
Camus, Albert
Cantor, Eddie
Cantu, John
Capote, Truman
Carlin, George
Carlyle, Thomas
Carson, Johnny
Casablanca
Cézanne, Paul
Chacon, Elio
Chamberlain, Neville
Ch
andler, Raymond
Chase, Chevy
Cheney, Dick
Cher
Chicago Blackhawks
Cho, Margaret
Christmas Vacation
Churchill, Winston
Cincinnati Reds
Clay, Andrew Dice
Clay, Henry
Clinton, Bill
CNN
Cobb, Irvin S.
Cocks, Sir Barnett
Colbert, Stephen
Coleridge, Samuel Taylor
Collins, Churton
Come Back, Little Sheba
Compton-Burnett, Ivy