Love at a Tender Age (John Warren Wells on Sexual Behavior), Page 2
Lawrence Block
I’ve decided that I’ll stay away from anything heavier than that until I’m emotionally able to handle it. By that time I may not want it. I think Grace has decided about the same thing.
I love boys. Particularly I love my pre-fiancé, Kenny. We have a very warm, honest relationship, so I felt I should tell him about this. I did, and he said if that’s my thing he doesn’t mind at all.
Somehow I doubt I’ll ever become fully bisexual, because I love men so much. I want to marry Kenny and settle down and raise two children and become a minister. Bisexuality seems to have little or no place in that life-style.
My experiences with Grace have been warm and loving ones rather than sexual ones. We care about each other tremendously and what we’ve had so far has been just a physical expression of this.
I don’t know if we want more. I don’t think I’m emotionally able to take the hang-ups, the guilt feelings, that it would give me.
Kenny is a virgin, too. We haven’t made love yet because he feels it would make him feel a lot of responsibility he’s not ready for yet. I respect this. As for me, I feel ready for it, and I am practically going insane wanting it. I’m ready to climb walls, but I can’t let him see that because I don’t want to rush him.
We’ve petted very heavily and I’ve reached what I think are called “skimming” orgasms. It’s not a full orgasm. I’ve masturbated, so I’m well aware how an orgasm feels. These are several tiny ones spaced apart.
I think I don’t want to become a bisexual. I’m a very disorderly person trying to order her life and bisexuality would certainly mess things up. I don’t care what people in general think of me but I want to maintain the regard of my friends . . .
Am I bisexual? (I know I’m not homosexual!) I simply don’t know. I’m too confused to figure myself out . . .
Sincerely,
Ellen
Dear Mr. Wells,
Hi—I am Ellen’s friend, Grace. I read the letter that you sent to Ellen, and you sound like a cool guy. The kind of person one can trust, and be a friend to.
Well, I’ll write about my side of it. I’ve noticed things to make me ask questions to myself about these bisexual tendencies I have. At times I get attracted to women, I mean women that appeal to me in looks. I was like this even before I met Ellen. This goes on back for at least two years. Sometimes I worried about it, but now it doesn’t really matter. I really don’t care if other people find out. If they don’t understand, they weren’t my friends in the first place.
I don’t think it’s weird or perverted at all. People in my class have talked about homosexuality and I’ve taken a stand to defend it. Their reactions made me angry. I say, “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” Sometimes I think they know that I am bisexual, or, as they say, “queer, faggot,” and so forth. I really don’t care what they call me.
About the experience at Ellen’s. I think it started all this thinking about our bisexual tendencies. It surprised me at first. When Ellen and I were kissing it didn’t feel any different than as if a boy was kissing me. I might say that I enjoyed kissing Ellen. After that, we would talk about it . . .
I think I definitely have bisexual tendencies. It’s really amazing how I get attracted to women, I mean I get attracted!
Sincerely yours,
Grace
Dear Jack,
Well, it is a minor relief to know I’m not the only one whose sexual preferences are giving her trouble. Who was it who first said misery loves company? This isn’t exact misery, but it is a problem.
Since my first letter, I’ve come to a few minor conclusions:
(1) I definitely have bisexual tendencies and am at least partially bisexual at the moment. This is not to say that that will be my permanent situation. Things can and do change.
(2) I’m suppressing these tendencies with everyone but Grace (and now Louise).
Grace and I have gone no further since I last wrote. Not because she is my own sex, but because I want Kenny to be the first person I make love to . . .
Grace and I have a mutual friend, Louise, who is 16 and who I think is getting interested in bisexuality, mainly on an intellectual level. She’s a good friend of mine, and one day I decided I would stop being hypocritical around her and told her I have bisexual tendencies. She was both surprised and interested. I’ve gathered from talking to her that she doesn’t feel ready for the actual deed yet. I could be wrong . . .
. . . I have neglected this letter for some time since the end of the first page. A lot has come up since then. Grace and Louise and I went to the Gay Alliance house and had a long rap with several gay guys who live there. A funny thing happened—it came out in the conversation that Louise and I have been dying to make a pass at each other but nobody did anything for fear the other wouldn’t respond! Louise spent the night with me last weekend and we did some making out. Louise has a great sense of humor, and at one point she suddenly came out with “But Ellen, will you respect me in the morning?” I woke up first, so I woke her up and said, “Hey, Louise.” “What?” “I respect you.”
The ensuing pillow fight sent us both into hysterics. [Other similar bits of byplay are reported in this and other letters. Ellen speculates that perhaps these are just ways they release their fears that they are abnormal or perverted, and I suspect she is right.—JWW]
To get back to the heterosexual scene for a moment, Kenny and I are having hassles, Grace has a boyfriend named Tony whom she hasn’t told about her bisexuality, Louise is messing around with three or four guys and I’m messing around with one or two. This usually happens—Louise and I are both attracted to Phil, who is messing around with me, but she’s decided not to make a pass at him for a number of reasons . . .
Please keep in touch with me. I’d like to know if you think this is more of a phase or if I’m becoming truly bisexual. Presently I prefer men, but only by a very small margin. I think this is because as yet I don’t want to make love to anyone but Kenny, and with a girl nobody gets all overexcited and demanding and rough, so that you feel you had better stop her before she gets out of control. If it came down to it, would I rather make love to a man or a woman, I really couldn’t say which, not having experienced it with either sex yet. That will come when it will come and I’m not going to rush it.
Sincerely,
Ellen
Dear Jack,
As Ellen may have told you, I’m Louise. We are both bi and it’s kind of groovy. I know it looks like I’m bi just to go along with Ellen and Grace, but that’s not it. I feel Ellen was a catalyst for my bisexual tendencies and she just brought everything into sharp focus.
I guess that I’ve always had the tendency. My upbringing was the kind where everyone hugs and kisses everyone else, a typical Jewish family, so I didn’t get any bad vibes about it. I’ve also noticed that I always look at other chicks’ clothes and (let’s be honest) figures.
I’ve always been liberal and my basic attitude progresses like this:
1. “It’s all right for you, but I don’t think it’s my scene.”
2. “I’m curious, but I don’t want to try it yet.”
3. “Why the hell not!”
Get it. It’s happened with weed, acid, generally freaking out, and bisexualism. I am always for the liberation of any oppressed group, Indians, Chicanos. Women, and last but by no means least, Gay Lib. So like I said, why the hell not?
Really weird thing. I was going steady with this dude all this summer. We had a very complete relationship, but in August we parted. We still talk to each other a lot. Anyway, we were rapping and it turns out he was bi before he met me. We were very close and he had never even told me. I guess we understand each other better now . . .
Another really weird thing. Back in junior high there were these chicks that would call me a lesbian. I would get very uptight about it. If they could see me now, I think they would flip out.
Ellen and I have messed around and so have Grace and I to a lesser extent. I just wish I
knew some more chicks that were bisexual . . .
Love and Peace,
Louise
Dear Jack,
“Hi.” Ellen and Kenny broke up. I still have my boyfriend but I think it’s going to break up, too.
About a week ago I was telling myself that I hated all men. I was thinking of being all gay. But that changed now. I don’t hate men. I’ve always been conscious that most men go for the woman who is beautiful. This is true for some men but not all.
About my heterosexual experiences. They have been a put-down. (1) I had one boyfriend that the relationship lasted about a year and a half, and then we started having bummers, and it ended. (2) I was raped by five men. Bummer, bummer, bummer!! (3) I have a boyfriend now, but I don’t know about that either. I had a few brief affairs between (2) and (3).
We in school are having this brotherhood week thing, and it was proposed to have someone there from the Gay Liberation Front. Our principal rejected it because he didn’t want “those kind of people” here. This is sickening. That principal is the insane one. He’s the one who shouldn’t be there. Ellen and I were going to send a secret letter to him about this situation, but we didn’t.
My family situation is okay, except for a few hassles.
Here are some gay slogans for ya!
(1) 2, 4, 6, 8, Gay is just as good as straight.
(2) You don’t have to be happy to be gay.
Peace,
Grace
Dear Jack,
[This letter begins with several pages of anecdotes concerning conversations the girls have had with boys and with each other, and of increasing sexual involvement with one another which has as yet remained unresolved.—JWW]
Well, my early experiences and attitudes . . . I was a fat ugly intelligent little girl, the type whom little boys kid around that nobody would ever be interested in her. I remember two guys betting a quarter that one wouldn’t put an arm around me and say, “I love you, Ellen.” But he did. Amazing what little boys will do for money. I was unofficially christened the Ugliest Girl in the Eighth Grade. Since fifth grade there was this running joke one boy would pull by pretending to be in love with me. Of course I saw through it.
But in spite of all that I’ve never been turned off to men. My first kiss came when I was fourteen and I remember feeling like going back to where I had lived before and thumbing my nose at everyone who’d made fun of me.
I was born in A———, lived there four years, moved to B——— for two years, moved to C——— for about seven years, moved out of the country for two years, moved back to C——— for four months, and moved here about a year and ten months ago. Here, while I’m not ostracized and hated as I was elsewhere, I’m still not completely accepted.
I’ve told you about the sexual situation with Kenny and me. Now that we’ve broken up, my sexual activity is entirely up to me. Well, I’m currently messing around with Ed, Kenny’s best friend. We’ve evolved our own definition of very heavy foreplay and have agreed not to go beyond it for the time being. We are very close but I don’t know if we could ever love each other.
. . . I always seem to be getting involved with people who don’t live here. Is it because I’m subconsciously afraid of intimacy? As for sex with a man, I want it but when I find the right man. I would have made love with Kenny but he didn’t want to. Perhaps now it’s just as well.
My family situation? My father is an alcoholic, my mother has a martyr complex, my brother died in the war, I have a married sister and another who is shacking up with a guy . . .
Please write soon.
Ellen
Dear Jack,
Thanks to death for the letter. I was almost despairing of getting one.
Things have been hectic. I tried out for a musical and got the female lead, and was also accepted in the school’s leading choral group. Both of these things freaked me out.
Which brings me to a very bad scene. I pulled the old bisexual joke, the one where you put one arm around a chick and the other around a dude and say, “Hi there, I’m bisexual!” Anyway, my music teacher saw it and didn’t think it was a joke. She said I either cool it or I get kicked out of the play and the choral group. I was scared shitless. I didn’t think things were so bad but now I know. Shit!
My boyfriend and I have reached a point in our relationship where things could be either good or bad. I told him I was bi and it didn’t bother him at all. What it is is he wanted to ball and I told him not unless he wants a semi-permanent relationship. He later told Ellen that he needed some time to get his head together. With him this is a good sign. However, I don’t know what he will decide.
His decision will affect me and Ellen. We’ve been getting closer and now Ellen would like to try a physical relationship. I told her I’d wait until he decided. I don’t know what is going to happen.
Grace and I went to the late movie last night. I saw someone I hadn’t seen since a group of us had a semi-orgy. He sat with us. We did some kinda heavy making out. I don’t know why. I usually don’t do that. I guess I was just horny.
I spent the night with Grace but we were too tired to do anything. We had a good time together . . .
I bought some astrology books today. Ellen and I are really into that. What sign are you? I’m Sagittarius. Ellen is an Aquarius and Grace is Pisces.
Shalom,
Louise
Dear Jack,
High—how are you?
. . . I have another problem. I’m two and a half months late on my period. I’m getting fat in the stomach. I don’t know whether I’m getting pregnant or not . . .
Lately I’ve been getting stoned as anything. I was stoned for four straight days last week.
I swear. I’m always hiding your letters. Can’t let Mom see them.
I got my hair trimmed today about 1½ inches. It looks better than it did . . .
Peace,
Grace
The next letter was a collective effort from Ellen and Louise, who were spending the night together. Ellen discussed her budding romance with a bisexual male named Floyd, while Louise wrote about a burgeoning love affair with another boy. The collaboration was eventually mailed in the same envelope with the following from Ellen:
Dear Jack—
This is Ellen again. I’ll start where it really all started. Floyd took me to a concert and we got back to his apartment. I gave him a back rub. He had his shirt off and he’s got a nice body, so finally I couldn’t stand it any longer and I attacked him. We did some making out, not very heavy, but the feelings on both sides were very beautiful and we agreed to make love next weekend.
Which was yesterday. And we made love. Pardon my language, but there’s no other way to describe it: I was scared shitless. Louise kept telling me, “There’s nothing to worry about. It only hurts for a second or two and then you don’t care and it’s beautiful.”
Well, she was right. It didn’t hurt very much at all and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t have an orgasm but I felt very satisfied anyway. Floyd had only had two girls before me and never a virgin and he told me it was the best he’d ever had. We’re in love but it’s different from the ways I’ve been in love before. It’s a quiet, gentle, and moving thing. I feel so absolutely at ease and happy with him . . .
Now here’s a screwy situation. Floyd told me it’s perfectly all right with him if I keep on making it with Grace and Louise, but the thing is, once I settle down I’m pretty faithful and I wouldn’t really want to make it with them. I have discovered I prefer men. I don’t know how Floyd expects me to feel about his making it with other guys, though. I wouldn’t raise hell but I would not be exactly overjoyed. We’ll have to talk and work it out. Let me explain—if there’s a guy with whom he has the sort of relationship Louise and I and Grace and I have, he can go and make love to him all he wants and it’s okay with me. But I would get slightly upset if he started cruising strangers . . .
Love,
Ellen
Dear Jack,
Ellen and I are all right. About a week ago, Ellen and I made love for the first time. Fantastic! Not bad! Try it, you’ll like it!
Been having fun since graduation . . . Been trying to get hold of a Gay Revolution button . . .
I was in New York about a month ago. I did a big mistake by getting pregnant. Was up there for a $300 abortion. No longer am I going to have heavy sex with men again, or for a while. Maybe an occasional kiss or date, a friendly date. Just friend and me!
Peace,
Grace
Dear Jack,
Hi—how ya doing? I’m doing all right. I’m kind of happy today, because I know now that I’m normal. I mean back to my regular once-a month period. I was extremely depressed yesterday.
Ellen and I are doing okay. We made love only once. I was in pretty much of a mess, because we could only like touch each other. No finger-pie or anything like that. Cause I wasn’t supposed to have any kind of intercourse until six weeks after the abortion.
Haven’t made it with Louise yet. We told her boyfriend that she and Ellen and I are bisexual. He dug on it. Didn’t matter to him any. A few people do know that we’re all three bi. Don’t matter to them either. Some of our friends have tried it, but didn’t like it.
Ellen’s out with Floyd. Tried to call her, but no answer . . .
Love,
Grace
I received another, similar letter from Grace and another collaborative venture from Louise and Ellen, neither of which I’ll reproduce here. At this point, some six months after Ellen’s first letter, I was able to arrange a visit to the city where the three of them live. I was there for two nights and a day and found the trip at once worthwhile and depressing.
I called Grace on arrival at the airport. She managed to borrow her mother’s car and pick me up. Our conversation was somewhat strained, and there was never time to overcome the strain because she had to get the car and herself back home as quickly as possible.
