Untouched
Lauren Hawkeye
UNTOUCHED
by
Lauren Hawkeye
Table of Contents
UNTOUCHED
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Excerpt from UNSPOKEN
Other Books by Lauren Hawkeye
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright Information
Dedication
This one’s for Jia Gayles, for putting up with me.
Chapter One
It was a rare cold day in Arizona when Alexa Kendrick made her decision.
The air that she heaved in and out of her lungs was thin and dry, seemingly doing little to replenish her breath as she scrambled up the last bit of rocky path and onto the isolated ledge.
Thigh muscles burning, she lowered herself to the ground. Studded with sharp stones and stubbled with dry grass that poked through the thin spandex of her yoga pants, it was hardly the most comfortable place to while away the hours, and yet Alexa had done just that, over and over again in the past months.
The world stretched out below her, a breathtaking panorama of the purest blue set against the rust and umber tones of the rocky earth. For the first time in nearly a year, her fingers twitched at her side, scraping through the dust as they instinctively reached for a paintbrush.
If she had one here, she’d start a landscape. Something that tried to capture the overwhelming sense of being just another cog in the clock of the world, of being an infinitesimal part of something so very much bigger than herself.
She would paint it in oil—it had to be oil, to capture the undiluted hues that surrounded her. A pencil wouldn't do.
The thought made her laugh out loud, startling a small lizard who had scuttled over to investigate the giant human who had invaded his territory.
Here she was, plotting out her next painting, when she'd done nothing for a year except serve beer and mediocre chicken entrees to strangers at a chain restaurant—to her mother’s abject horror, of course.
A full year since the car accident. How had that much time slipped by, rushing past in a pastel haze that never sharpened into anything more substantial?
The accident itself remained blank, void of words, of color, of anything really. She’d healed physically, but how did one move past something so life changing that yet seemed to not exist, at least in her memory?
But it did exist—she had the angry red scars on her pale skin to prove it... and the guilt. Oh yes, if her memory was an intangible shade of nothing, the guilt—the guilt was the most vivid of crimsons, a deep blood red that was impossible to ignore.
She was that blood, and flesh, and bone, and she was here. Others were not, and however much it weighed on her mind—why her? Why not them?
Well. The fact remained that she was here, and that time marched on. She couldn’t exactly spend the rest of her life ensconced in her mother’s house, in a job that she performed solely because it provided busywork for her hands.
Her body was healed. She was going to have to accept that her mind might always have this great gaping hole in it—a hole that was the best thing for her, her mother continually assured her.
The fingers twitching for a paintbrush were just the latest evidence of her itchiness. It was time to get back to the business of being Alexa Kendrick.
If only she knew who that was anymore.
Brushing dry crumbs of dust off of her fingers, Alexa unzipped the pocket of her windbreaker and pulled out her cell phone. Her mother had objected to these solitary hikes of hers until Alexa had assured her that she never went far enough to escape cell range. The ledge on which she perched offered a view of a small canyon that hid the entire city of Phoenix from view, but it was never far away, too vast to be swallowed forever.
Pulling up her contact list, Alexa selected the listing for her agent. “Hey, Jia,” she smiled reflexively when the other woman answered.
“Tell me you have something for me.” Jia’s throaty rasp worked its way through the line.
“Hello to you, too.” Alexa winced at her agent’s words as a thin trickle of annoyance made its presence known.
“That was tacky, wasn’t it?” Jia sounded contrite, and Alexa could just picture her grimacing into her phone, the expression pulling her smooth mocha skin tight. Never able to sit still, she would be pacing, quite literally wearing a path in the carpet of her office as she took her calls and answered emails from her smart phone.
Jia was the woman who had discovered Alexa’s art, and their relationship was at the five year mark. Still, Alexa could never quite forget that theirs was a relationship built on money.
“Well, I can’t blame you for asking.” Nibbling on her thumbnail, Alexa smiled wryly to herself.
The major gallery in Phoenix that carried her work had sold the last piece six months ago, and the other galleries across the country, the ones that had carried a select few of her works, had also been depleted. Alexa had nothing to replace them with… at least, not yet.
“Well, you know I’ll be here when you’re ready,” Jia rumbled, her voice sounding like nothing so much as a big cat’s purr. Yet, Alexa couldn’t miss the note that said the other woman hoped that Alexa would be ready soon.
“I’m actually thinking that a change of scenery might help.” Alexa worried her thumbnail with her teeth, realized she was doing it, and scowled down at her hands. Because of her job as a painter, they once had been a disaster, always stained with a million Technicolor smudges. But now they were smooth, perfect, and seemed to belong to someone else entirely.
“A change of scenery? A trip?” Jia squawked in Alexa’s ear, and her eardrums rang. “Go. Go, go, go! Chase that creative spark. Where are you going?”
“Have you heard of Florence?” Her words sounded far lighter than they felt. Jia was the first person she was telling of her plans... in fact, she hadn’t entirely made up her mind until she’d pulled out her cell.
This was it. No turning back.
“Florence?” The surprise in the other woman’s voice was clear. There was a weighted pause, during which Alexa counted four deep breaths. “You mean... isn’t that the place with all the prisons?”
“Indeed.” Alexa tried to keep her tone light, but inside she felt anything but. The choice of destination was strange, certainly, but it wasn’t at all random.
“Not to be critical,” Jia continued, a frown clear in her words, “but what about someplace more... colorful? Bermuda? Mexico? Tonga?”
“Those all sound great,” Alexa replied, and she was mostly telling the truth. They would have sounded great up until she’d learned of her reason to go to Florence. Now, she would have felt like she was wasting time if she jetted off to lounge on a beach. “But this isn’t a vacation, per se. It turns out I... might have family there.”
Swallowing thickly, she spat out the last two words, the ones that she still couldn’t quite believe. “A sister, in fact.”
“A sister?” Predictably, Jia wanted details. She knew that Alexa was an only child, had been raised by her single mother. “What? How?”
“It may not be legit.” The warning was more for herself than for anyone else. It was also a way to close the conversation. “I just wanted you to know where I was going. I’ll let you know if the change of scenery gets the paint flowing again.”
Standing, she brushed the dampness of her palms off on the thighs of her pants, noted the thin sheen of sweat on her forehead despite the chill. She’d been more worked up about the decision than she’d thought, but now that it had been made, a strange sort of peace settled in.
Placing her hands above her head, Alexa stretched out her arms, her torso as she took one final look down into the canyon. Rather than finding the solace that the mountains had brought her over the last year, for the first time she felt as though the yawning landscape was closing in.
She’d lived in Phoenix for her entire life, and until the accident, had never questioned any part of her existence. Maybe the need for more would have come anyway, or maybe the crash had changed her more than she thought, but either way, as she watched the cold wind send spirals of biscuit colored dust dancing in the thin air, she knew.
It was time to go.
* * *
The interior of her mother’s house was set to a perfectly comfortable temperature, just like it always was. Alexa couldn’t remember a time that she’d been uncomfortable within these walls, no matter the searing heat or, like now, frigid air outside.
Even though she’d moved back in a year ago, right after her release from the hospital, she still thought of it as her mother’s house. In fact, she’d always thought of it that way, though she’d in no way had a bad childhood.
But as she moved through the halls, noted the collections of crystal vases, of china plates that had remained the same over the years, she could see no mark of herself anywhere. While that had always seemed normal to her, in the last few weeks it had become more than a little stifling.
Tracy Cunningham was in her greenhouse, as she always was at this time of day. The glassed-in extension of the large house was deliciously warm and moist, reminiscent of one of those tropical locales that Jia had been urging Alexa to go to. That thick air was filled with the sweet scent of her mother’s prize orchids, which were arranged in stunning symmetrical displays along each wall.
Standing at the spotless stainless steel sink, soaking the roots of a cymbidium, was Tracy herself, dressed for gardening in dark jeans, a fitted white blouse, and pale pink gloves. Her hair, a cool blonde that contrasted sharply with Alexa’s deep chestnut brown, was back in a sleek chignon that made her daughter feel, as always, just the slightest bit messier, dirtier, larger, louder. As did the inevitable surge of love twined with frustration.
She loved her mother, of course she did. This was, after all, the woman who had, after the horridly un-athletic Alexa had humiliated herself at a track meet, went out and purchased a slip and slide for their backyard, proclaiming that the strip of yellow plastic was Alexa’s ribbon, and the best one there was. This was the woman who had once grabbed the ear of a teenage boy and threatened to knee him in the nuts when she’d found him throwing rocks at Alexa as she cowered behind a bush.
She was also the woman who frowned disapprovingly over the consumption of dessert, and who became furious at the slightest sign of disrespect, and who infuriatingly ignored opinions that weren’t her own.
Alexa knew she was about to throw herself headfirst into the latter. Still, she pressed on, closing the glass door behind her rather than risking a treatise on the ideal environment for orchids.
“I thought you worked today.” The slight sniff and sarcastic emphasis of the word worked were not lost on Alexa, who felt her spine stiffening, despite the multiple lectures she’d given herself on the subject.
Her mom was actually being quite good, considering. Having an artist for a daughter had been puzzling enough, though Tracy seemed to have comes to terms with it once Alexa had started seeing some success from her painting. But waitressing at a chain restaurant just to keep herself busy—and out of the house—had turned into a not so silent war between them. Only by threatening to move out had Alexa won, but she saw now that she shouldn’t have used that as a threat.
She was as healed as she was ever likely to be, and it was time to go.
“I’m taking some time off from the restaurant,” Alexa said slowly as she skirted the shelves of blooms.
Her mother, both hands holding the now sodden weight of the orchid, turned her head and flashed a smile full of relief.
“Oh, Alexa, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.” Tracy nodded with apparent satisfaction. “I know we’ve had our differing opinions over that job, but I’m so glad that you’re coming around.”
“I’m not quitting.” Alexa had learned early on that the best way to have a differing opinion with her mother was to do it head on. “But I do have something to tell you.”
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Droplets of soil heavy water flew as Tracy whirled, aghast.
“Oh, for the...” Alexa couldn’t keep herself from rolling her eyes, though she knew it would irritate the hell out of her mother. “No. No, I am not pregnant. Though it’s great to know how thrilled you’d be if I was.”
“Don’t be sarcastic, Alexa. It doesn’t suit you.” Tracy pursed her lips before turning back to her work. “Now. What did you have to tell me?”
A snaking tendril of apprehension whipped through Alexa, surprising her with its intensity. It was almost ... foreboding.
But she’d made her choice, so she shook it off and spat it out.
“I’m going on a trip,” she said finally, drawing out the last word ever so slightly, “to Florence.”
Alexa watched her mother closely as she announced her destination, and though she almost missed it, it was there... the slightest stiffening of the spine. The reaction was almost indiscernible, but it was enough to answer Alexa’s unspoken question.
“There’s nothing there for you, Alexa.” As if that reaction hadn’t happened at all, Tracy turned back to her orchids. Alexa watched for a long moment, noting the care with which her mother treated the delicate plants.
Finally, she spoke. “My father was from Florence.”
“Your father is dead.” Tracy cast Alexa a sharp look before visibly forcing herself to relax.
“I know that.” Alexa stepped back, affronted. “I just...”
She shouldn’t have to explain it. She was an adult, and she could go where she pleased, technically. That had never been the way that things ran in this house. She told her mother everything.
Until now, withholding details felt just the same as lying. To counteract the guilt, she decided to ask questions before she could be asked them herself.
“Did we live right in town?” The truth was, she’d always been curious about the small town where her father had grown up. Who wouldn’t be intrigued—and kind of freaked out—by a place that boasted nine county, state and federal prisons, and two private ones? It was kind of creepy. “How did you two meet?”
Tracy had always been closed mouthed about the father that had died when Alexa was a small child, and now was no exception. She pursed her lips and shook her head in response to the questions.
“I know you’re feeling trapped,” Tracy didn’t turn to look at her daughter as she spoke, instead continuing her work with her orchids, “and I also understand why you’re curious about your roots. But Florence is a dreary little tow that runs on the prison’s clock. Go and you’ll be back within a day.”
Alexa opened her mouth to respond, determined—even if nothing came of this supposed family connection, she was planning some time away. It wasn’t all prisons, after all—Florence was a well preserved, historic little town.
But Tracy wasn’t done. “And I’m just not sure how I feel about you driving that far yet. I’ll worry.” Here she did look at Alexa, and though Alexa knew that it was deliberate, the resultant wave of guilt was bright and real.
“I’ll be fine.” Alexa made sure that her voice was firm. Sensing the imminent argument, she decided that retreat was her best option. She headed up to the room from her childhood, sinking
down on the edge of her bed, half braced for her mother to follow her and continue their discussion—locks were not a part of this household.
But Tracy didn’t appear, leaving Alexa alone with her thoughts. As she sat there, looking around the spacious, beautiful room, noting how alien her belongings looked amongst the elegant decor, she knew deep down that something big was about to change.
The answer to so many of her questions lay in Florence. She was sure of it. Though she may not stay there for very long, she wasn’t sure that she was ever coming back here.
* * *
Tracy’s hands shook as she made her way to her room, pausing for a moment when she passed Alexa’s shut door.
Part of her wanted to do everything it took to keep her here, even if that meant tying her down to her bed until she came to her senses.
But she’d learned long ago that people had a will of their own, and there was only so much you could take upon yourself without going crazy.
She was greeted by the faint smell of her own perfume as she pushed through the heavy door. The room was cool and dim, lit only by one skinny ribbon of light that poured through the crack between the heavy curtains.
She stood in the dark, the air seeming to press down on her body. Belatedly, she realized that the pruning shears that normally sat by the sink in her greenhouse were still in her hands.
Her entire body jerked as her hands tightened on the metallic handles. The emotions swelling beneath her skin needed an outlet, and she was seized with the urge to lift those shears, to hack away at her own hair.
A momentary inner war resulted in her setting the blades decisively down on her dresser. She was not a woman given to foolish urges. In fact, she’d given in to one exactly once. That capitulation had resulted in a beautiful daughter, so she could never regret it.
But now that daughter had unknowingly put her in a very bad place.
Tracy had to make some decisions. There were things she’d decided that Alexa never needed to know, but if her daughter was going to Florence, then it was unlikely that that was a coincidence. Something had sparked her interest—something like a memory, perhaps—and that was dangerous.
