You keep on saying "deep" and "deeply." I wish something good would happen on the surface sometime.
SHUTTLE
I can't get over how you guys are my friends. Harold Ryan and Looseleaf Harper are my friends. HAROLD
Our pleasure. SHUTTLE
Eight years you guys were together-through thick and thin. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (104 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD
For seven and a half of those years we were heavily drugged--or we would have been home long before now, believe me. We were saved from starvation by the Lupi-Loopo Indians, who fed us a strange blue soup. SHUTTLE
Blue soup.
HAROLD
It sapped our will--made us peaceful and unenterprising. It was a form of chemical castration. We became two more sleepy Indians. LOOSELEAF
(to PAUL) So, kid--how they hanging? Or don't you say that to a little kid?
HAROLD
He's a man. (to PAUL)
Tell him you're a man.
PAUL
I'm a man. HAROLD
We've got to do something to make this boy's voice change. I wonder if we couldn't get bull balls somewhere, and fry 'em up. (to PAUL) Still miss your mother?
PAUL
(weakly) No.
HAROLD
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (105 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
You're free to go to her, if you want. If you'd rather be a woman and run with the women, just say the word.
SHUTTLE
Are we really going to find out where the elephants go to die? HAROLD
I'd rather go to Viet Nam. SHUTTLE
Would somebody please pass me the catsup? HAROLD
What you say is, "Pass the fucking catsup."
SHUTTLE
Pass the fucking catsup. LOOSELEAF gives it to him. SHUTTLE dumps catsup on his steak.
SHUTTLE
I keep thinking about Africa--and the elephants. LOOSELEAF
I don't think I'll go. HAROLD
Of course you'll go! You're going to fly the helicopter. LOOSELEAF
I dunno. HAROLD
You're so low! Look at that beautiful red meat. You haven't touched it.
LOOSELEAF
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (106 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Sorry. At least you've got a place to come back to. I don't have a place to come back to anymore.
HAROLD
All the more reason to go to Africa. LOOSELEAF
I dunno. You know. (pause)
I used to really love that Alice. Do you know that?
HAROLD
You know her for what she is now-garbage. LOOSELEAF
I dunno. HAROLD
She was always a rotten wife! She was against everything manly you ever wanted to do.
(to SHUTTLE)
He was the most daring test pilot in the country at one time, and his wife made him quit. She made him become a life insurance salesman instead.
SHUTTLE
I'd think any woman worth her salt would be proud to be married to a test pilot. I know I would. LOOSELEAF
She tried to like it. She was a very nervous woman. SHUTTLE
I could tell that at the funeral. (to PAUL) Would you please pass the fucking file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (107 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
catsup again? Was it dangerous testing planes?
LOOSELEAF
I dunno. Who knows? You know-you're up there, and you're in some plane nobody ever flew before. You put her into a dive, and everything starts screaming and shaking, and maybe some pipe breaks and squirts oil or gasoline or hydraulic fluid in your face. You wonder how the hell you ever got in such a mess, and then you pull back on the controls, and you black out for a couple of seconds. When you come to, everything's usually fairly okay--except maybe you threw up all over yourself. It's just another job, but you try and tell Alice that. HAROLD
Insurance! SHUTTLE
You actually sold insurance! LOOSELEAF
Hyena doorbell laughs.
SHUTTLE
What an awful sound! HAROLD
Get used to it. (to PAUL)
Back door, Paul.
PAUL exits to the kitchen.
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (108 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD
(to SHUTTLE) It's possible, of course, that you'll die in Africa.
SHUTTLE
I've considered that. HAROLD
Selling vacuum cleaners isn't the best preparation you could have. SHUTTLE
I just want one true adventure before I die. HAROLD
That can be arranged. PAUL appears at the mouth of the doorway. He has something amazing to announce.
PAUL
Dad?
HAROLD
Who was it?
PAUL
It's Mom. He steps aside. PENELOPE appears. HAROLD and SHUTTLE stand, HAROLD angrily.
LOOSELEAF
(openly, cheerfully) Hi, Penelope. HAROLD
(to LOOSELEAF) Shut up, you ninny!
(to PENELOPE)
You were never to come here again-for any reason whatsoever!
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (109 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PENELOPE
I came for my clothes. HAROLD
Sneaking in the back door. PENELOPE
I rang. It seemed like the proper door for a servile, worthless organism to use. HAROLD
Your clothes are at the city dump by now. Perhaps you can get a map from the Department of Sanitation. PENELOPE
I came for Paul as well. HAROLD
If he wants to go. PENELOPE
You took him to the funeral, I hear. HAROLD
He'd never seen a corpse. He's seen a dozen now. PENELOPE
A dozen? HAROLD
It's a big and busy funeral home.
PENELOPE
(to PAUL) Did you like it, dear?
HAROLD
It isn't a matter of liking. It's a matter of getting used to death-as a perfectly natural thing. Would you mind leaving? No woman file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (110 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
ever walks out on Harold Ryan, and then comes back--for anything.
PENELOPE
Unless she has nerve. HAROLD
More nerve than the doctor, I must admit. He hasn't been home for two days. Has he suddenly lost interest in sleep and color television--and the violin? PENELOPE
He knows you shattered his violin. HAROLD
I'm dying to hear of his reaction. The thrill of smashing something isn't in the smashing, but in the owner's reactions. PENELOPE
He cried. HAROLD
About a broomstick and a cigar box--and the attenuated intestines of an alley cat. PENELOPE
Two hundred years old. HAROLD
He feels awful loss--which was precisely my intention. PENELOPE
(moving toward the violin, and, incidentally, placing herself much closer to SHUTTLE)
He had hoped that someone would be playing it still--two hundred years file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (111 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
from now.
HAROLD
long-term expectations) Hope. He spots the vacuum cleaner, probes it with his toe, asks SHUTTLE with seriousness.
HAROLD
Do you hope with all your heart that someone will be using this vacuum cleaner two hundred years from now? SHUTTLE starts to answer, but stops, supposing that he is being made sport of.
HAROLD
Fifty years?
SHUTTLE
You're making a joke. HAROLD
(not joking) I'm interested in long-term expectations.
SHUTTLE
(flatly, protecting his dignity) It's engineered to last about fifteen years.
HAROLD
(downstage center, addressing the civilized world)
Things. Oh--you silly people and your things. Things, things, things.
PENELOPE
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (112 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
(to SHUTTLE, as
HAROLD reflects
majestically on the emptiness of materialism) You and Harold are friends? SHUTTLE
(revealing how mixed and worried his feelings are)
He's the most wonderful guy I ever met, Penelope. He's the most complicated guy I ever met. I can't believe it, but he's going to take me to Africa with him.
HAROLD
Things. PENELOPE
You feel I've done a dreadful thing--leaving him? SHUTTLE
(almost hypnotized) If I were married to him, I sure wouldn't walk out. HAROLD
(directly to the audience) Never mind the condition of your body and your spirit! Look after your things, your things! PENELOPE
(to LOOSELEAF) And you, Colonel? Let me guess: You don't know.
LOOSELEAF
I dunno. HAROLD
(to the audience)
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (113 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Go live in a safe-deposit box--with your things.
LOOSELEAF
Jesus--I wouldn't want to be married to him. You know? HAROLD
What's this? LOOSELEAF
I wouldn't want to be married to me. We're too crazy. You know? HAROLD
In what way, pray tell? LOOSELEAF
I didn't like that violin thing. That was sad. HAROLD
Tit for tat--as simple as that. LOOSELEAF
You never played a violin. HAROLD
You did? LOOSELEAF
Yeah. I practically forgot. But after you busted that thing, I got to thinking, "Jesus--maybe I'll start the violin again." That didn't just belong to Woodly. That belonged to everybody. Maybe he would have sold it to me, and I could have some fun. After you busted the violin, boy, and Penelope walked out, I thought to myself, "Jesus--who could blame her?" HAROLD
Maybe it's time you got out. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (114 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
LOOSELEAF
Me? HAROLD
You.
LOOSELEAF
Okay.
(pause)
Okay.
HAROLD
You're an imbecile.
LOOSELEAF
I know you think that. HAROLD
Everybody thinks that. LOOSELEAF
Anybody who'd drop an atom bomb on a city has to be pretty dumb. HAROLD
The one direct, decisive, intelligent act of your life! LOOSELEAF
(shaking his head) I don't think so. (pause)
It could have been.
HAROLD
If what? LOOSELEAF
If I hadn't done it. If I'd said to myself, "Screw it. I'm going to let all those people down there live." HAROLD
They were enemies. We were at war. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (115 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
LOOSELEAF
Yeah, Jesus--but wars would be a lot better, I think, if guys would say to themselves sometimes, "Jesus--I'm not going to do that to the enemy. That's too much." You could have been the manufacturer of that violin there, even though you don't know how to make a violin, just by not busting it up. I could have been the father of all those people in Nagasaki, and the mother, too, just by not dropping the bomb. (pause)
I sent 'em to Heaven instead--and I don't think there is one.
HAROLD
Goodbye, Looseleaf. LOOSELEAF walks around and gathers his things.
LOOSELEAF
So long, you guys. PENELOPE
What will you do, Colonel? LOOSELEAF
I dunno. Marry the first whore who's nice to me, I guess. Get a job in a motorcycle shop. So long, you guys. PENELOPE kisses LOOSELEAF. Everybody but HAROLD acknowledges his departure is some way. HAROLD turns his back. LOOSELEAF exits, closes door. Silence.
SHUTTLE
Who's going to fly our helicopter now? HAROLD
(blackly, tautly) What?
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (116 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
SHUTTLE
We got to get another pilot. HAROLD
For what? SHUTTLE
For Africa. HAROLD
Do you really think that Harold Ryan would go to Africa with a vacuum cleaner salesman? SHUTTLE
You invited me. HAROLD
To make an ass of yourself. SHUTTLE
What went wrong? HAROLD
We're ahead of schedule, that's all. You're finding out here what you would have found out in Africa-that you are a rabbit, born to be eaten alive. SHUTTLE
Gee whiz-HAROLD It would have been fun to see you drop your rifle and run the first time an elephant charged us.
SHUTTLE
I wouldn't drop my gun. HAROLD
You're hollow, like a woman. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (117 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
SHUTTLE
I'm smarter than Looseleaf. HAROLD
He can shoot! He can hold his ground! He can attack! You're in your proper profession right now-sucking up dirt for frumpish housewives, closet drunkards every one. SHUTTLE
(close to tears)
How do you know how I'd act in Africa?
HAROLD
Look how you're acting now! This is a moment of truth, and you're almost crying. Slug me! SHUTTLE
You're my buddy. HAROLD
Out! Out! SHUTTLE
No matter what you say to me, I still think you're the greatest guy I ever knew. HAROLD
Out! SHUTTLE
You--you aren't going to have any friends left, if you don't watch out.
HAROLD
Thank God! He propels SHUTTLE out the door and slams it. He faces PENELOPE and PAUL, speaks with malicious calm.
HAROLD
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (118 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Well--what have we here? A family.
PENELOPE
Almost a Christmas scene. HAROLD
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. PENELOPE
Just one favor. HAROLD
Money? There's plenty of that. Mildred got the brewery. You'll probably get the baseball team. PENELOPE
I want you to tell me that you loved me once. HAROLD is about to dismiss this request majestically, but PENELOPE cuts him off with a sharp, dangerous warning.
PENELOPE
I mean it! I must have that, and so must Paul. Tell him that he was conceived in love, even though you hate me now. Tell both of us that somewhere is our lives was love. HAROLD experiments inwardly with responses of various kinds, obviously saying them to himself, directing himself with his hands. Nothing quite satisfies him. HAROLD
Testimonials
of that sort are--are beyond my range. I don't do them well. (sincerely, not