HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
LOOSELEAF
I guess. You're lucky you don't have any old people around here. HAROLD
She was about to get married again. She locked me out of the bedroom last night. LOOSELEAF starts to laugh. HAROLD shuts him up.
HAROLD
What's funny about that? LOOSELEAF
(apologetically) You know me, boy.
PENELOPE enters from the kitchen with a question on her lips.
HAROLD
I should have torn that door off its hinges. Should have scrogged her ears off. Should have broken the bed. (seeing PENELOPE)
What do you want?
(words fail her)
Well?
PENELOPE
I--I was wondering--is there anything you shouldn't eat--because of jungle fever?
HAROLD
I could eat a raw baby crocodile. (turning to LOOSELEAF crassly) The way to get your wife back is in bed. Do such a job on her that she'll be lucky if she can crawl around on all fours. (to PENELOPE)
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PENELOPE exits dumbly, detesting the word "scrog," which she has never heard before.
HAROLD
She had two lovers, by the way. LOOSELEAF starts to laugh again, stops the laugh as HAROLD glowers. LOOSELEAF
Excuse me.
HAROLD
One of them is the doctor, whose weapons are compassion, unselfishness, peacefulness-maudlin concern.
LOOSELEAF
Huh. HAROLD
He and his love are like a retiarius. Do you know what a retiarius is?
LOOSELEAF
He's a kind of gladiator who fights with a knife and a net and doesn't wear anything but a jockstrap. HAROLD
(amazed) How do you know that?
LOOSELEAF
You told me. HAROLD
When? LOOSELEAF
When we were up in the tree so long--with the bats.
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HAROLD
Oh. I'd forgotten. LOOSELEAF
Fourteen times you told me. I counted. HAROLD
Really?
LOOSELEAF
You'd get this funny look in your eyes, and I'd say to myself, "Oh, Jesus--he's going to tell me what a retiarius is again." HAROLD
(acknowledging a flaw in a manly way) Sorry.
PENELOPE enters, is about to speak. HAROLD stops her with a raised finger.
HAROLD
Let me guess--breakfast is served?
PENELOPE
No. HAROLD
What then?
PENELOPE
I do not wish to be scrogged--ever. I never heard that word, but when I heard it, I knew it was one thing I never wanted to have happen to me. HAROLD
That's what you're supposed to say. PENELOPE
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HAROLD
You don't know you want. That's the way God built you! PENELOPE
I will not be scrogged. I remember one time I saw you wrench a hook from the throat of a fish with a pair of pliers, and you promised me that the fish couldn't feel. HAROLD
It couldn't! PENELOPE
I'd like to have the expert opinion of the fish--along with yours. HAROLD
(shaking his head) Fish can't feel. PENELOPE
Well, I can. Some injuries, spiritual or physical, can be excruciating to me. I'm not a silly carhop any more. (an unexpected, minor insight) Maybe you're right about fish. When I was a carhop, I didn't feel much more than a fish would. But I've been sensitized. I have ideas now--and solid information. I know a lot more now--and a lot of it has to do with you.
HAROLD
(sensing danger) Such as?...
PENELOPE
The whole concept of heroism--and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (93 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
its sexual roots.
HAROLD
Tell me about its sexual roots. PENELOPE
It's complicated and I don't want to go into it now, because it's bound to sound insulting--even though nobody means for anybody to be insulted. It's just the truth. HAROLD
I like the truth. I wouldn't be alive today if I weren't one of the biggest fans truth ever had. PENELOPE
Well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there. HAROLD
Go on. PENELOPE
(blurting)
And they have very mixed feelings about women. They hate them in a way. One reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. They can scrog them, as you say-(pause) for revenge.
HAROLD
You learned this in some college course? PENELOPE
I learned a lot of things in file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (94 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
college. Actually--it was Norbert who told me that.
HAROLD
(darkly) The doctor.
PENELOPE
Yes. HAROLD
And what is his most cherished possession?
PENELOPE
(not sensing the drift of the conversation) His most cherished possession? His violin, I guess.
HAROLD
And he keeps it in his apartment? PENELOPE
(still at sea) Yes.
HAROLD
And no one's there now?
PENELOPE
I don't think so. HAROLD
That's too bad. I would rather have him at home--to see what I'm going to do. PENELOPE
(suddenly catching on, sick with fear) What are you going to do? HAROLD
He did his best to destroy my most file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (95 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
precious possession, which is the high opinion women have of me. I'm now going to even that score. I'm going to break in his door and I'm going to smash his violin.
PENELOPE
No you're not! HAROLD
Why not? PENELOPE
Because if you do--I'll leave you. HAROLD
(promptly and emotionlessly) Goodbye. Blackout.
SCENE TWO
SPOTLIGHT comes up on VON KONIGSWALD and WANDA JUNE, dressed as before. They have become close friends.
WANDA JUNE
We have this new club up here in Heaven. VON KONIGSWALD
Yes, we do. WANDA JUNE
We only have two members so far, but it's growing all the time. VON KONIGSWALD
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VON KONIGSWALD
Mozart plays shuffleboard. WANDA JUNE
Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, plays shuffleboard. VON KONIGSWALD
Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard. WANDA JUNE
Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plays shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard. VON KONIGSWALD
It was almost worth the trip--to find out that Jesus Christ in Heaven was just another guy, playing shuffleboard. I like his sense of humor, though--you know
? He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket he wears. You know what it says on the back? "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club." Most people don't get it. Most people think there really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic Club. WANDA JUNE
We're going to have jackets, aren't we? VON KONIGSWALD
You bet! "The Harold Ryan Fan Club." Pink, eh? With a yellow streak up the back. (both laugh)
We got very good tailor shops up here. They'll make you any kind of uniform, any kind of sweatsuit you want. Judas Iscariot--he's got this black jacket with a skull and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (97 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
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crossbones over the heart. He walks around all hunched over, and he never looks anybody in the eye, and written on the back of his jacket are the words, "Go take a flying-WANDA JUNE punches him in the ribs.
VON KONIGSWALD
leap at the moon." MILDRED, HAROLD's third wife, enters. She is voluptuous, blowzy, tough--about forty-five. She has trouble with alcohol. VON KONIGSWALD is expecting her.
VON KONIGSWALD
Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right? MILDRED
I heard you were looking for me. VON KONIGSWALD
You were Harold Ryan's third wife. Right? MILDRED
Yes.
VON KONIGSWALD
You want to join the Harold Ryan Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with a yellow streak up the back? MILDRED
Do I have to? Who's the little girl? WANDA JUNE
Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday cake. I don't really know him. MILDRED
Thought you were another wife, maybe. WANDA JUNE
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I'm only ten years old.
MILDRED
That's what he wanted--a ten-year old wife. He'd come home from a war or a safari, and he'd wind up talking to the little kids. WANDA JUNE
Won't you please join our club? Please? MILDRED
Honey--Alcoholics Anonymous takes all the time I've got--and Harold Ryan is an individual I would rather forget. He drove me to drink. He drove his first two wives to drink.
VON KONIGSWALD
Because he was cruel? MILDRED
(covering WANDA JUNE's little ears) Premature ejaculation.
VON KONIGSWALD
Ach soooooooooo. MILDRED
No grown woman is a fan of premature ejaculation. Harold would come home trumpeting and roaring. He would the kick the furniture with his boots, spit into corners and the fireplace. He would make me presents of stuffed fish and helmets with holes in them. He would tell me that he had now earned the reward that only a woman could give him, and he'd tear off my clothes. He would carry me into the bedroom, telling me to scream file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (99 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
and kick my feet. That was very important to him. I did it. I tried to be a good wife. He told me to imagine a herd of stampeding water buffalo. I couldn't do that, but I pretended I did. It was all over--ten seconds after he'd said the word "buffalo." Then he'd zip up his pants, and go outside, and tell true war stories to the little kids. Any little kids.
VON KONIGSWALD
That is sad. MILDRED
(blankly) Is it?
(pause)
I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things.
VON KONIGSWALD
Ja? MILDRED
Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I was going to say it was all sexual..but everything is sexual...but alcohol.
(making peace sign) Peace.
VON KONIGSWALD WANDA JUNE
(making peace sign) (making peace sign) Peace. Peace. Blackout. SCENE THREE
SILENCE. Darkness.
WOODY WOODPECKER VOICE
Ha ha ha ha ha! file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (100 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
(pistol shot)
You got me, pal.
Silence. A baby cries. Silence. The lights come up.
LOOSELEAF
Go to the funeral? HAROLD
Of course! Not only go to it but go to it in full uniform! Rent a uniform! LOOSELEAF
That's against the law, isn't it? I can't wear a uniform anymore. HAROLD
Wear your uniform and every decoration, and let them despise you, if they dare. LOOSELEAF
Alice would be absolutely tear-ass. HAROLD
When I was a naive young recruit in Spain, I used to wonder why soldiers bayoneted oil paintings, shot the noses off of statues and defecated into grand pianos. I now understand: It was to teach civilians the deepest sort of respect for men in uniform-uncontrollable fear. (raises his glass) To our women. LOOSELEAF
I didn't know we had any women left. HAROLD
The world is teeming with women-ours to enjoy. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (101 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
LOOSELEAF
Every time I start thinking like that I get the clap. Lion doorbell roars.
HAROLD
(going to the door) This could be my next wife. He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries a bouquet of roses.
SHUTTLE
(puzzled by HAROLD) Hello. HAROLD
How are you, honeybunch?
SHUTTLE
Is Penelope in? HAROLD
The posies are for her? SHUTTLE
I wanted to apologize. HAROLD
You've come to the right man. SHUTTLE
I forgot my vacuum cleaner. HAROLD
I forget mine for years on end. SHUTTLE
(suddenly realizing who HAROLD is) Oh my God-(pause; points) And you are Looseleaf Harper.
LOOSELEAF
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Hi.
SHUTTLE faints.
HAROLD
(crowing)
It's what I've dreamed of all my life, Looseleaf! To have a grown man realize who I was--and faint!
(to audience)
End of Act Two.
Blackout.
ACT THREE
SCENE ONE
MILDRED enters drunkenly up aisle, sits precariously on apron of stage and speaks to audience.
MILDRED
Two days later. The afternoon of the day of Looseleaf Harper's mother-in-law's funeral. You got it? Two days later. (pause)
You know what happened in Heaven today? There was a tornado. I'm not kidding you--there was a Goddamn tornado. Tore up fifty-six houses, a dance pavilion and a Ferris wheel. Drove a shuffleboard stick clear through a telephone pole. Nobody got killed. Nobody ever gets killed. They just bounce around a lot. Then they get up-and start playing shuffleboard. (pause)
I never saw a tornado when I was alive, and I grew up in Oklahoma. There's this big, black, funnel shaped cloud. Sounds like a railroad train without the whistle. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (103 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
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I had to come to Heaven to see a thing like that. A lot of people got photographs.
(pause)
After the tornado was over, a man had some film left and he wanted to take pictures of me--to use up the roll. I don't like people who go around taking pictures of everything. Nothing's real to some people unless they've got photographs. (pause)
Two days later--right?
She exits clumsily, the way she came. Silence. Lights come up on the living room, which has become a pigpen. LOOSELEAF, HAROLD, SHUTTLE and PAUL sit around a dinner of nearly raw beefsteak set on the coffee table. LOOSELEAF wears an illfitting uniform,
which he has rented.
LOOSELEAF
I told you the uniform wouldn't help. HAROLD
It helped more than you know. Down deep, people were deeply affected. LOOSELEAF