Hand to Bone, Page 2

  Day 14

  Decided to go to that gathering that gathering of people which previously had been decided against. Walked into the door of the large grey building and looked down at the shoes are the shoes just right for this occasion will they carry me through the door and to that chair to sit down. Looked down at the brown shoes to make sure they are right. Walked past the table with the white cloth and so many beverages to choose from which should one choose. Which beverage might one want to admit drinking when asked by another person what beverage was chosen. Talked to the woman who sits in the office directly adjacent. Talked about the cabinet which must be cleaned out and which has needed to be cleaned for some time. Laughed about this. Looked at the brown hair of this woman down touching shoulders. Shifted while making a remark about the man who spoke earlier. Watched the mouth move the mouth move slowly as the sound comes out of the mouth in high and then low tones as words are formed and then come out through the tongue the mouth all over inside the mouth the words are formed. Imagined how those sounds travel to the ear and into the brain and are there discovered to mean various things. Eventually walked back to the table the white table one must leave this place at some point for one cannot stay until the end one must walk out the door which one came in through walk out the door and down each step until one is out of this place.

  Day 15

  Morning. Morning. Woke from sleep. Touched the eyes. Placed the foot onto the ground for the first time this particular day. Put all the weight onto the feet felt the texture under the feet somewhat soft but not entirely soft. Wished the texture under the feet were softer. Thought about this for several minutes. Water running down over the body. Looking at the face in the mirror. All these activities one performs standing and thinking and looking and remarking on this and then on that. Thought about this beginning of the day and how much time it takes this beginning of the day. Must also remember to bring that paper as one walks out the door into the day. Must remember to also put this bag over the shoulder and must make sure that all one needs is in the bag on the shoulder before stepping out of the door and into the day. Key. Glass. Paper. Parcel. Letter. Pencil. Container. The other key. All the things one must remember before one walks out of the door and into the day. Must remember to pick up that book also, the one which will not be read. Outside then, into the day the sun out and the walk hot why did one decide to walk what other mode of transport might make one more comfortable. All though the day. Walking and thinking and sitting. All though the day through the day all through the day and again this or that conversation. All throughout the day until one can walk back in the other direction to the place where one started.

  Day 16

  Walked outside of this place this place this place that place this one bit of space in which one stands sometimes for only one minute but sometimes for several hours one stands on the feet and stands and stands and stands on the feet. What must one do to move the feet to keep from standing in this one place for several hours. What can one do to stop looking around looking at this leaf on the tree for several minutes and thinking about the shade of green and the texture and the way it hangs so tenuous on the limb what must one do to pull the eyes away from the shade of green to turn the eyes to some other shade of green perhaps that shade over there on the ground. What must one do to pull the feet away the eyes away move the hands the legs any part of the body which is still but would rather be moving. Standing here in this place and looking. Turning the head. Eyes follow around with the head moving the eyes with the head in the same direction forcing the eyes still while the head moves and forces the eyes to look in a different direction. Standing still the legs not moving just the head but not even the eyes the eyes following around and then resting on something else something perhaps red or perhaps yellow or green again anything anything. Thought about moving the feet for quite some time quite a long time thought but did not move the feet. This shade of red over here becomes the focus now perhaps a scrap of red paper a piece of trash some person had left but is now the center of another persons attention.

  Day 17

  Hand. Window. Hair. Bicycle. Door. Lamppost. Mailbox. Brick. Man. Woman. Bicycle. Lunch. Eating. Eating. Food. Mouth. Eating. Eating again. Food into the mouth eating and chewing and eating. Walking. Talking. Chewing. Looking. Touching. Looking chewing touching seeing looking and again looking and again looking bicycle again and man again and woman again and this sidewalk walking on this sidewalk again and seeing again this man this man in that coat that grey coat again and walking again and moving the feet and the hands in motion again and touching the hair again and again that bicycle is it the same bicycle or it is a different one is it different this time than last time. Again hand touching mouth touching brick touching paper touching table touching other hand touching face and touching so many things again again. Water again. Rain again. Voice again. Window again. Again this reflection and again this thought about the reflection and again standing up and again walking toward the door and again touching door again again again moving outside again tree and sun and rain and cloud and brick and white and grey and yellow and red and blue and grey grey again and again walking back again glass again window and another reflection and again looking across and looking straight ahead and looking to the left side and again the left side walking around that woman again the woman holding again that bag that black bag again holding the bag and again wondering what is inside.

  Day 18

  Looked at the back of the shoe of this man for some time. The heel this man must walk on his heel so often for the heel of the shoe was worn with the movement the constant pressure with each step of the foot the shoe against the ground. This man’s shoe. That woman’s hat. Why does that woman wear a hat her hair is long and dark and soft and is now hidden. This man. This woman. This man and this woman on the same street in shoes and in hats and waiting for the bus for another person for something for something which the two perhaps desire. Needed to think about something else. Walked around the corner into that shop the one which is around the corner the one with those objects in the window that always catch the eye. Walked into the shop stepped into the door with the feet and the hands moving both moving walked into the shop and looked at many objects. Understood that there were many things all colors all shapes all textures wanted to touch all these objects with the hands to feel them to feel soft and to feel sharp and to feel grain and sand and shape and red and to feel red and orange and to feel round and square and rectangle. Talked for a moment to the woman at the counter. The woman in the necklace which must have been pearls but not real pearls how could this woman have real pearls hanging around the neck it would seem inappropriate.

  Day 19

  Sat on a bench at that park which is around the corner. Sat for a very long time. Looked to the left and to the right and looked at this person passing by and then that person passing by. Noted that fewer people passed than expected. Considered calling a person some person who might perhaps be available considered calling to ask if perhaps that person might meet one at some place to perhaps drink coffee or perhaps drink tea or perhaps order food which would then be eaten. Moved around moved the body around walking on the grass but not enjoying this for it is cold and the feet and neck and ears are cold. Looked back at the place where one sat for a long time looked back and remarked the perspective from which one must have been seeing this grass on which one now stands. Remarked that the perspective must have been different must have affected how one imagined walking on this green grass. Hungry again. Considered eating. Considered walking to that shop across the street and ordering food and sitting down at a table and putting food into the mouth and putting a drinking glass to the mouth to drink. Stood on the green grass and considered walking instead to that other shop the one which is almost always dense with people talking and eating and drinking and talking and laughing. Considered instead walking out of the park and off the green gras
s and onto the black pavement where the feet would move one after the other just as always they would move until they reach a place which had not before been considered.

  Day 20

  Woke early woke early and the head hurts hurts why does the head hurt there is no reason. Looked at the face in the mirror. The same face in the mirror. Looked at the face at the eyes the purple eyes the eyes which hurt from the light from the constant looking from the constant focus on surrounding objects. Walked out the door. Noise. Noise. Sound. Voice. Wind. Water. Voice. Footstep. Footstep on the ground foot stepping on the ground in time this time in an unknown rhythm in time to an unknown rhythm. The eyes squint to see past the sun which is bright. Walking forward constant forward moving the entire body forward heavy at an even pace still walking heavy forward evenly and still again walking with the feet moving heavy forward. Closing in on that space over there the space in which one will stop moving. Changed direction. Changed direction again. Turn and then turn again. Time passed. More time passed. And more time. And then again time. Lost that piece of paper the one which was needed during the conversation with that woman. The woman asked about the piece of paper where did it go where did the hand lay the paper down where did the hand mistakenly lay down the paper. The small white piece of paper which contains information which a woman needs. Searched for the paper searched under the table and in this basket and around the telephone searched in several offices but could not find the paper where did the hand lay the paper where did the hand lay the paper down.

  Day 21

  Morning. Walk. Desk. Papers. Telephone. Papers. Telephone. Woman. Same woman. And again the same woman. The woman with the long dark hair. Looked out the window of the office for some time how long was it how long did one sit and look outside the window and what was outside the window tree and grass and sidewalk and people outside. Stood up out of the chair. Walked past the grey wall to the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. Walked back out of the bathroom and past the grey wall then sat in the chair and talked on the telephone and touched papers. All day long touched papers. All day long looked at the people outside the window. All day long stood up from the chair and walked and then walked again and then sat back down in the chair. All day long listened to that woman talking she talks so loudly all day what does she talk about why does she talk all day long to whom does she talk and about what one cannot remember about what she talks and to whom. Listened then to a different woman talk. And then listened to a man talk. And then again a woman. And another. Another. Listened to another man what are these people saying the voices can be heard the words can be heard one hears the words magnet and portfolio and travel and wine one hears these words all separated by other words while this man and this woman talk.

  Day 22

  Light above the head. Stared at the light above the head. Imagined this light glowing onto the top of the head shining the hair illuminated glowing light that surrounds the entire body one cannot escape this light which shines in this room and touches every surface except those in shadow. Tried to be in shadow but this light the light shines all around the body on the arm on the hand on the neck on the face and on the other arm, hand, on all fingers. Light on the table light on the books light on that shelf light on those pictures light on the other table light that shines down all over it all. Thought about this light which surrounds and touches. Sat on the chair and looked at all the objects which the light is now touching. Should one turn down the light to see difference should one continue to look at the light in this way should one move objects so they might cast more shadow. Needed to go out. Walked out the door. Walked down the street to the store that store in which one has stood many times. Chose many things and bought many things many things which one needs and some which one does not need. Walking back walking down the street heavy bags in hands the weight of these things heavy in the hands and this weight being felt in the feet as they walk. Shoulders ache with weight pulling down from the hands what does this ache mean it is not a bad ache not one to complain about but an ache perhaps to enjoy for one is carrying many things which one just bought these things which one needed and is now carrying while walking down the street.

  Day 23

  Placed the face into the hands the hands covering the face touching the face all over blocking the eyes covering the lips keeping the mouth closed the mouth closed. No sound. No voice. Voice sound all the sounds which one usually hears are not yet heard. Thought about this silence. Not a profound silence but a quiet rest of silence the quiet sounds are absent the sound of feet on carpet the sound of murmur the sound of breath sound of touch sound of wind sound of light. Yes quiet. Turned to look outside all silence outside through the window the window the walls the doors keep the quiet inside and the sound outside. Wanted to make a sound. Stood to make a slight sound sat to make a slight sound said the word hello to make a slight sound. The silence lasted for some time before others entered and began to talk to breathe to move to touch to walk on the carpet wearing shoes that make sounds. Listened for some time listened to these slight sounds. Needed in the afternoon to return a book. Walked the distance to the library to place the book into the slot to lift the book with the hands and let go of the weight of the book as it falls. The book falls from the fingers and the weight of the book is no longer felt. Turned around away from the library this building which one sees often these bricks which are familiar these windows in which one sees a reflection of trees and street and face.

  Day 24

  Eyes. Blue eyes green eyes brown eyes purple around the eyes which color are the eyes today which color will the eyes appear today haze and grey and cloud and dark before the eyes. Dark and grey and grey and dark so difficult to see very far ahead of where the body stands. Clouds so close above the head pressing down almost on the head and then almost wanting to envelop the body in vapor and cloud and grey. The body is surrounded by heavy air of the day the heavy dark air of the day. Walked outside to meet a man who one has known for some time. Man wearing blue coat man wearing grey scarf man wearing dark glasses man who is tall and who is carrying a small suitcase man who talks and talks man who is the voice which is heard for many hours. Thirsty while this man talks. Swallowed many times while this man talked swallowed dry and then swallowed dry again and then swallowed water to ease this dryness while this man talked. And sometimes the voice responds and sometimes the voice does not respond. Does this man care for the voice the response the words that come out of this mouth does this man want to hear these words these few words which can be heard in succession that come from the mouth that come from the mouth loud and soft and then loud and in time with the thoughts the thoughts which then arrive into the world in these successive words.

  Day 25

  Walked down the street this same street this street lined with shops above which are apartments where many people live. Heard music from a restaurant. Music. Noise. Music which is unpleasant, music which is too loud one should not hear music from inside out here out on the street. Decided to walk to the cemetery which is some distance away. Cemetery. Why does one want to walk move the feet all that way all the distance quite a distance to reach this place where people lay people who no longer live and walk why does one want to visit this place. Out here. Walked on the grass. Walked between this stone and that stone and this name that name all these names and all these numbers names and numbers what does this number indicate about this person what does this name also indicate. Looked at the stones. Looked at the trees. Looked at the fence for some time. Walked around and then out past the fence. Back toward the shop which one must visit for one needs several things from the shop. Several things and things and things and this thing and that and all over objects on which the eyes rest for a moment and then move slightly over to the left to the right to the object directly beside. Thought about the walk for some time remembered the walk for some time later when the head lay down on
the pillow remembered the walk and the stones and the shop and the objects such an evening of pulling thoughts back out of the mind to remember the image and then the next image and then the next the next the next all these still quiet pictures of shops and stones and streets.

  Day 26

  Needed to walk out the door but cold cold cold outside pulled on the jacket but cold and the scarf but cold still cold even before walking out the door what will one do when it is cold when one is outside and the neck the face the hands are cold. Needed to walk out the door. Needed to do this for a long time. Thought about walking out the door touching fingertips to door handle turning door handle with the fingers pulling slightly to open the door and then walking out. Thought about this for some time looking at the door it is white it is smooth it is tall it is large it is thick it is closed all the time when one is inside this place. Lunch again with people sitting at a table sitting staring sitting on this hard wooden chair in this place which is somewhat darkly lit so that the skin of that woman looks darker than it might look outside in the light. Listened. Looked. This plate on the table is white. This plate on the table is full of food which one must think about putting in the mouth. This plate which is resting heavy on the table heavy with food which one will swallow and then which will settle in the stomach settle there will one feel this food settle after it is swallowed will one feel this food once it is inside the body sitting settling inside the stomach. Needed to eat the food what will this woman that man those other people think if the food remains on the plate what will these people ask will they ask why why one does not eat and then what will one say.