Kinard Mythology Anthology, Page 3

  Monkey Man Love

  By Jared Currier

  On mount Olympus, there lives a beautiful girl named Sacagawea the color of her hair is brown and her eyes are blue, the one thing she wants most in her life is to be happy for ever and one thing she enjoys doing is making food. She is happy as a flower in the summer.   Her mom is named Amy and she is the god of food and plants.  The color of her eyes are brown and the color of her hair is brown. One thing Amy wants in her life is to make a lot of food and play with her daughter. One thing she enjoys doing is planting plants. She is sad as a donkey getting abused. The jungle is a dark, scary place. The jungle looks like a lot of leaves and trees and wet soil. The sound is loud and scary. It smells like fresh soil and good leaves and it tastes like dirty water. And the leaves are ruff and wet.  Where are trees that come to life when the king is in trouble?  Monkey man is the king of the jungle. He was half monkey and man he has blue eyes and brown hair, and he is tall.

  One day when monkey man gazed at Sacagawea all day and watching her. He liked her so much he went to Carrot god of all gods he asked him if he could take her and Carrot and monkey man made a deal. So the next day, monkey man commanded his guard the big tree to take her and take her back to the jungle in the jungle monkey man was sitting there waiting for her in the middle of the jungle when the big tree got to the middle of the jungle he put her down and the monkey man came down from his tree she was scared of the jungle. Sacagawea was so beautiful monkey man wanted to marry her, but she did not want to get married to a monkey man.

  As days went by, Amy was so sad she was not making any food. Since there was no food, the mortals were starving. Carrot, the god of all gods, was looking down at all of. Them they were starving, and that he had to do something. He went to the jungle and found Sacagawea so sad and hungry he told monkey man he had to give back Sacagawea. Monkey man refused because Carrot was the strongest god in the world. So, Sacagawea was so happy that before she left monkey man asked her if she wanted to eat anything before she left and all she ate was a piece of pumpkin pie.

  When she got back to her mom, Amy, the best cooker, asked her if she ate anything and she said yes. All I ate was a small piece of pie. Her mom said if you eat any good food from the jungle like a whole pie you will be lost forever in the jungle and never find a way out. But since you ate one small piece you have to stay there for months so she stayed with her mother for three months and stay in the jungle for three months. During her three month stay, she just wanted to get out of the jungle. After three months when she got back, Amy was so happy they lived happy for the rest of their lives until rain fell and the thunder went boom, bam and thunk.

  The Marvelous Creation of Bacon

  By Riley Fitzpatrick

  The hero could hear the horrible squeals of an animal outside. It was very hard to fall asleep with the continuous noise that seemed to grow louder. The wet rain poured down on the house and it crawled down the crevices in the thatched roof. It took many hours to fall asleep, but he eventually slept and dreamed of tomorrow.

  In the Greek city, Knossos, on Crete, the demigod hero Beefus, the son of Hermes (the Greek god of music, animal husbandry, and the sun), tended his cow farm.  He had brown hair and eyes, with a pointy nose. He was a handsome fellow and many beautiful nymphs came to see him every day. He cared most for his cows, for his mother had passed away recently. Many people offered gifts to him because they felt sorry for his loss. It was April in the year 13 B.C. Beef was the favorite food at that time. Beefus was very wealthy and always had customers traveling to his farm. He would soon retire with a mansion in the courtyard of the King Hurled.

  “Come, you cows!” he would yell at his pets.

  “Moo,” the cows returned.

  “Today you will make me stacks of coins!”

  “Moo, moo.”

  On the other side of the island, Porkus paced his pig farm. With the beef industry doing so well, he was very poor. He hardly ever had customers.

  Ares, always searching for trouble, stumbled upon Beefus’ farm and stole a cow. Thinking it would be fun to start a war, he gave the cow to Porkus. Porkus now had a cow and word soon traveled across the entire island. When Beefus found one of his cows missing, he was furious. He had his evil cow army attack Porkus.

  Pokus was ready. His pigs were in a line ready to charge. Porkus didn’t know he had a pigataur, half pig, half man, growing inside him. At that moment, he went into labor.

  “Help!!” he screamed. He was in excruciating pain and gave birth to the pigataur.

  “Charge!!!!” hollered Beefus. The cows ran down the hill towards the farm. The pigatuar crashed through the cows, pummeling them left and right. Cows were soaring everywhere. The smell of blood hung heavy over the field. Beefus soon saw he was not going to survive. He did all he could do: he ran.

  He ran through the village. He pushed down an elderly woman who had a basket made of rough straw, and the bread spilled everywhere. Beefus was not stopping. He made it to the end of the village. He slowed down because his heaving breath sounded like a massive Manticore. The sound of hooves hitting the ground was heard throughout the village. Out of the blue, the pigataur crashed into Beefus and jabbed both horns into his ribs.

  “Aaauuuuuhhhhh!!!!” Beefus cried in agony. His blood splattered on anything within a five-yard radius. The deafening crack of his ribs scared off any animal nearby. He landed with a thud on the cold, hard ground.

  “I see the light. Mother, is that you? I never thought I’d see you again,” Beefus said with tears leaking out of his eyes. He was so emotional, he was hallucinating. He threw up at the sight of his mother’s face. The acid was the most horrible taste. It was a mix between stomach acid and blood. He bit his lip until it was leaking blood like a dripping faucet. He struggled for one final breath. It looked as if there was a halo surrounding his head as he died.

  The pigataur had no emotion. He just crashed into the rotting corpse over and over until he was painted red with sticky blood. Ares saw this and angrily realized the war was over too quickly for his enjoyment. He cursed Porkus with an eternity of being a pig. Meanwhile, the cow army retreated back to their farm.

  Porkus was now a pig in his pig farm eating what he fed his pigs: rotten apples, table scraps, and moldy ears of corn.

  Archimedes came to town and made a pig shredder. He traveled to Porkus’ farm and grabbed a pig. That pig happened to be Porkus. He threw Porkus in the shredder. But because of the curse, Porkus did not die. He survived the shredder, but all his meat was gone--only the bones remained. The meat was cut into sweet strips. Archimedes watched the cleaned bones and saw them moving. The bones ran away into the woods. Archimedes named this meat off of Porkus. This meat was the wonderful “Bone Grease Bacon.” Archimedes realized this was hard to say and then named it “Bacon!” Archimedes was now the hero of the town, because the people quickly loved the bacon.

  “This is wonderful!” said the villagers.

  “The best meat ever!” they agreed.

  “Simply oink-tastic!”  

  Porkus never escaped the curse...or the shredder. He continued to be reincarnated and was continually chopped into wonderful bacon.

  THE END

  The Cheeseburger (Read Riley’s Myth for BK)

  By Jonathan Paraschou

  It had been a year since the gory fight of Beefus, the beef farmer, and Porkus, the pork farmer, which ended in a terrible fate. Most people didn’t know it because he lived in a different village, but Beefus had a younger brother named Cheesus, who raised cows to make cheese. Cheesus had the same features as his older brother, brown hair and brown eyes. Every day, he prayed to the gods to bring his older brother back. Cheesus lived in his brother’s house but nothing had been cleared out. He woke every morning looking at the straw roof. He continued his older brother’s business and tended his older brother’s farm, raised cows and sold the best beef in the land, on top of being wealthy from his brother’s cow farm he was also the
only other family member alive so he got the all inheritance and was now very wealthy. On top of that, he still made money with cheese which he sold.

  One day, Cheesus woke up and found a bottle of a beautifully colored glowing substance. There was a note that said the following, “Pour this on your brother’s grave.” Cheesus was a bit doubtful, but did as it said. He dragged his feet over to his brother’s grave and issued the enlightening substance on it. Nothing happened, so he just trotted back to his brother’s farm and tended to the cows. The next morning he heard a knock at his door. He quickly got dressed and answered. There stood his older brother! Beefus was alive!

  “Brother!” he cried.

  “Why are you in my house?” replied Beefus.

  “Sheesh, you’d think the guy would be happy to be alive again,” Cheesus thought to himself. “I was just tending your farm while you were dead,” said Cheesus.

  “Dead, the last thing I thoroughly remember was that new pork guy taking all my business.” replied Beefus.

  “His memory must have been erased,” Cheesus thought to himself. So he told Beefus what he thought had happened and the story of what he knew of the battle. Beefus thanked him for telling him and let him stay with him for a while. That day, a middle-aged man with a cart came into the village. He said he sold potatoes and made a new tasty food they were called French fries. When Beefus and Cheesus saw him, they glared at him with their brown eyes and he returned their glare with his blue ones. The townspeople made cries of joy after tasting how good this new food was.

  “We must think of a way to get this nonsense out of the village so we can sell our food again,” said Beefus. Cheesus agreed. They thought all night of how to stop him, but eventually they gave up. One night Beefus got a dream. Demeter told him to make a circular lump of meat and grill it. The next morning he did that exact thing and it tasted DELICIOUS like a brand new pastry. The next night he had a dream to put condiments in between bread buns. He did that exact thing and it tasted BETTER! He shared this food with many other people and they adored this new food. Beefus decided on the name hamburgers. That night they celebrated their victory with hamburgers.

  “I’m going to grab a slice of cheese,” said Cheesus.

  “Ok I’ll make another burger,” replied Beefus. On the way back from the kitchen, Cheesus tripped and accidentally dropped the cheese on to hamburger.

  Not knowing cheese was on top of the patty, Beefus put the bun on the burger

  “NOOOOOOO!” roared Cheesus. Beefus took a bite of the burger.

  “This cheese makes the hamburger taste delicious! I shall call it a cheeseburger!” cried Beefus. They told all the townspeople and made a fortune off of it.

  “These are delicious!” cried the townspeople.

  Eventually, the potato man had to leave town because he had no business in this town with his French fries. Cheesus and Beefus thought for a while of how to make more money. “I got it!” said Beefus, and Beefus told Cheesus his plan. They ran into the village as fast as their legs could carry them. The potato man finished packing his cart. “WAIT!” cried Cheesus, the potato man turned. “Your French fries are delicious and so are our hamburgers so why don’t we do a link business! We could make a fortune!” The potato man thought for a bit and agreed they shook hands on it. They did make a fortune off of it, they were richer than kings, and were all friends! The next day Zeus heard of these sandwiches called “Cheeseburgers” and the other delicacy called “French fries” so Zeus came down from Olympus to try them.

  “These are better than the McDonalds’ on Olympus! I’m gonna reward you guys for sure!” replied Zeus

  He loved it so much he made Cheesus, Beefus, and the Potato man now named Potatus the gods of cheeseburgers and French fries and they lived for all eternity.

  The Starting of Death

  By David Gao

  There once was a lackadaisical man named Aurelius. He dwelt on the grand island of Sicily. Since humans lived forever back in ancient times, he thought he could do whatever he wanted all day.

  One day, Aurelius was so ambitious that he desired some of the sun. He wanted a piece of the golden crust of Apollo’s chariot. He knew he couldn’t die, so he could do whatever he wanted to. He asked his friends to find some way to fling him into the sky, not confessing of his ambitions. He didn’t know now, but a cataclysmic event would happen. His friends, Augustus, Blandinus, and Drusus, agreed to only if they could then be launched into the sky also. They planned for the launch upcoming.

  “How can we do it?” inquired Blandinus without thinking.

  “Are you even thinking?” Augustus answered with an air only known to him. Without delay, Blandinus, the shorter but more sturdily built man, threw himself at the taller man. Augustus, surprised by the other man’s actions, was thrown to the ground. With a bloody nose and a black eye, Augustus groaned. Blandinus, filled with glee, picked him up and inserted him into a sack.

  “Useless person!” Blandinus chirped, “Let’s discard him.” They carried the sack with the victim in it and threw it in the distasteful latrina. Suddenly, Drusus shrieked with delight, “I have an idea,” he shrieked, “Let’s use a catapult.”  

  “Great idea,” Blandinus said with such energy that he couldn’t even have used that energy to turn over a leaf.

  “Then why don’t you come with an idea,” Drusus shot back. Blandinus sighed for he had no ideas left. He agreed and they carried on coming up with the plan to build the contraption. Halfway through building, the duo realized that they couldn’t complete the task without one more person. Now they had trouble deciding if they should go back and get Augustus or go and find some random person to replace him. After an elongated debate, they finally determined that they would hopefully be forgiven and get back Augustus.

  At the latrina, they found Augustus lying on the ground, moaning. They helped him up and told him their plan.

  “Sure,” groaned Augustus with a dubious face, “I’ll help.” The men helped him up and began to build their epic contraption. Day after day, they worked diligently and efficiently on the labyrinthine project. The rambunctious hammers banged on and on while the moanings of the men were heard from miles away. One day, they just put on the final screw of the masterpiece.

  “Hallelujah,” Drusus shouted with delight, “My masterpiece is perfected.”

  The other two people immediately objected, “You couldn’t have done it without us.”

  “Okay, okay, our masterpiece.” Drusus said with a cough. They all frolicked to Aurelius to tell him that they were ready for the launch.

  “Gosh, how long did it take you guys,” Aurelius said with a vexed voice.

  “What did you expect,” Blandinus said once again without thinking.  

  “Sooner or later you will be punished for that agile voice of yours,” Aurelius warned,

  “Anyways, let’s get launching.” Aurelius stepped into the contraption putting on the harness. Augustus was nowhere to be seen, but nobody noticed. All of the gears cranked as the contraption built up its potential energy. As the lock snapped in place, the launch was ready to begin. With one push, Drusus launched the great machine with the person into the air.

  “Sic Semper Tyrannis,” Augustus cried. He suddenly appeared. Drusus then realized that he had tied Blandinus onto the appliance. Screams filled the air as the gadget picked up speed and advanced towards the currently rising sun. Now Aurelius was side by side with magnificent Apollo’s golden chariot of the sun. He jumped out of the contraption and leaped toward the chariot. Hanging on to the side, he grabbed a sheet of the golden crust of the chariot and leaped off the chariot head first to get back to the mainland. Apollo, filled with rage, immediately went to Thanatos, the god of death, to request him to open the Doors of Death as Aurelius fell. Thanatos, seeing the mortals’ wrong-doing, agreed and unlocked the beautiful doors. As Aurelius fell to the ground, lifeless, he went to the Underworld to continue his life as a ghost. Thanatos was eve
n more enraged at Blandinus, so without hesitation, he cast Blandinus into the deepest part of Tartarus.

  Now with the Doors of Death open, many people cross the line between life and death. Thanatos controls the Doors of Death and where people enter the world of the dead. Most people have to cross the River Styx to be in the land of the ghosts and they are always greeted by Aurelius, who later changed his name to Charon, who ferries them across to join the rest of the ghosts. After a while, he started to charge people to cross but was bribed to be ferried by a young man, Orpheus, but that is another story.