A Weird Case of Super Goo, Page 3
Kenneth Oppel
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to find a recipe to make myself older again! I should never have dabbled in this stuff! Give me a hand, will you.”
Together, they pored over the ancient pages, sneezing from the dust and squinting to read the tiny, cracked print.
“Here’s one to find water,” said Giles.
“And here’s one that gets rid of warts, corns, and pimples.”
“This one promises to double your money overnight, but you need the ears of a giant Tibetan bat.”
They continued scouring the books, but after an hour they’d found nothing.
“Lots of stuff here to make you younger,” said Aunt Lillian gloomily, “but nothing to make you older. I think we’re out of luck, Giles. It looks like I’m stuck this way forever!”
“Well…I know some people who might be able to help,” said Giles hesitantly.
“You do? Warlocks or witches?”
“Neither. Geniuses.”
“Giles, I’m willing to try anything. Even science.”
With a sigh, Giles walked to the phone and punched in the familiar number. It was picked up on the first ring.
“Tina and Kevin Quark, local geniuses. May I help you?”
“Kevin, it’s Giles. I’ve got a job for you.”
Chapter 7
Call Me Mister
“Now look, this is strictly business,” Giles told Tina and Kevin in their basement workshop. “I want to hire you. That’s all. My Mom will be more than willing to pay your fee. Are we clear on this?”
“Certainly, Barnes,” said Tina. “Or should we call you Mr Barnes?”
“Yes,” he said after a moment’s thought. “I think that would be appropriate. Mr Barnes would be acceptable.”
“Very well. Kevin, remember that. Now then, what can we do for you, Mr Barnes?”
Giles introduced them to Aunt Lillian and filled them in on her super-goo predicament.
“Interesting,” said Tina. “Her mind is totally unchanged. It’s only her body that’s younger.”
“Any ideas?” Giles asked.
Tina was thoughtful for a moment. “Well, the obvious thing would be a brain transfer.”
“A what?” said Aunt Lillian in alarm.
“I could simply remove your brain and put it into the body of an older person.”
“Absolutely not!” yelled Aunt Lillian.
“We’d try to find someone who looked like you,” Tina assured her, “more or less, anyway.”
Aunt Lillian shook her head. “Giles, please tell Dr Frankenstein here that I’m very fond of my own body and have no intention of being parted from it!”
“Fair enough,” said Tina with an impatient sigh. “You are making this awfully difficult, though.”
She picked up a penlight and shone it into one of Aunt Lillian’s eyes.
“Could I at least take a brain sample? Just a small one?”
“That’s it,” said Aunt Lillian. “I’m leaving.”
Giles put his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure Tina and Kevin can come up with something a little less drastic,” he said, turning a stern gaze on Tina.
“We’ve just got to make her older, right?” Kevin said, as if he’d just solved a colossal problem by himself.
“Yes, Kevin, but how?” said Tina.
“Well, everyone says a bad scare can take years off a person’s life.”
“Brilliant, Kevin. So what are we going to do? Follow her around and shout ‘boo!’ every half hour?”
“I guess it’s not very practical.”
“No, it’s not,” said Tina, then fell silent.
“I can’t believe it!” said Giles. “I hired you two, and you can’t solve the problem?”
“Mr Barnes,” said Tina, “please. Rome was not built in a day.”
Kevin nodded in agreement. “Yeah, and some things just take a little time.”
“Kevin,” sighed his sister, “that’s what I just said.”
“Whatever. Give us a day or two, Barnes—I mean, Mr Barnes. The genius business never fails.”
“Yeah? What about the Brain Drainer and my orange hair?”
“The Brain Drainer,” said Tina thoughtfully. “That might be an idea. Now if you’ll excuse us, Mr Barnes, Kevin and I would like to get to work.”
Giles and Aunt Lillian arrived home to find Mrs Barnes tidying up the living room, piling up her sister’s magazines and stray socks and hair clips, emptying ashtrays.
“Oh, here, let me give you a hand with that,” said Aunt Lillian, hurriedly gathering up all her junk. “I’m sorry, Liz. I’ve been awful. I’ve come into your house and messed everything up.”
“No, no…” said Mrs Barnes weakly.
“You don’t have to be polite. I’ve been a real pain, haven’t I?”
“Well, yes,” said Mrs Barnes. “But I’m sorry, too, Lillian. I mean, I know I’m not very nice when you come to stay. I’m not very open-minded about your work. I should try to be more tolerant.”
“You’ve been very tolerant, as a matter of fact. And I’ve completely overstayed my welcome.”
As the two sisters hugged, an ashtray slipped from Aunt Lillian’s hands, dumping soot onto the carpet.
“Where’s the vacuum?” she asked. “I’ll clean it up.”
And in that moment, right before Giles’s eyes, his aunt suddenly looked older—not a lot older, a year or two maybe, but older all the same. Giles blinked, wondering if he was seeing things. It only lasted a moment, and then all at once, she went back to looking young again.
“Wow,” Giles breathed.
“What?” said Aunt Lillian, looking at him strangely.
“I’ve got to make a phone call.”
He rushed upstairs to call the Quarks.
He had a plan.
Chapter 8
Spontaneous Display of Responsibility
“Do I really have to wear this helmet?” Aunt Lillian asked the next morning, patting at all the wires sprouting from her head.
“Yes. It’s to help focus your brainwaves,” said Tina. “Kevin, is the battery fully charged?”
“Brainwaves—you mean like ESP?” Aunt Lillian asked.
“Yes, sort of like that,” said Tina.
Aunt Lillian looked ridiculous with the Brain Drainer strapped to her head and the wires taped all over her arms, legs, hands, and feet. What’s more, she was dressed in her old baggy clothing.
“Giles, can you explain all of this to me, please?”
“Well, yesterday, when you helped Mom clean up, you got a little older, just for a bit. I saw it. And I think it’s because you were acting older. So maybe if you spend a whole day doing grown-up things, you’ll go back to the way you were.”
“We’ve got your whole day planned out,” said Kevin.
“And the Brain Drainer should simply speed things up,” explained Tina. “All you have to do is concentrate, and your brain’s energy will help age your body.”
“That’s why we wanted you to wear your old clothes,” said Giles. “So you could just grow right back into them.”
“It sounds kind of kooky,” said Aunt Lillian.
“You do want to get older, don’t you?” said Giles.
“You bet your socks I do!” she said.
It was first thing in the morning, and Tina and Kevin had come over to Giles’s house for the big experiment. Giles gripped a stopwatch and Tina and Kevin had each brought a clipboard and pen.
“We’re ready to begin, Mr Barnes,” Tina said to Giles. “Kevin, please turn on the Brain Drainer.”
Kevin flicked a switch on the helmet and it started to hum.
“We have ignition,” said Kevin.
Giles watched the second hand on his stopwatch.
“Five…four…three…two…one. Seven-thirty!”
“Breakfast!” Tina shouted, glancing at her clipboard.
They all rushed into the kitchen.
“And remember,” said Giles, “n
o sugar-coated cereal.”
Aunt Lillian hurriedly set the table, made herself two pieces of whole-wheat toast, and cut half a grapefruit. After eating, she cleared away her dirty dishes, loaded them into the dishwasher, and wiped down the tabletop.
“Check!” said Kevin, making a big tick on his clipboard.
“Eight o’clock!” said Giles. “Clean up bedroom.”
They followed Aunt Lillian upstairs to her room and watched as she made the bed, folded her clothes, and tidied up.
“Wow,” said Kevin. “I think it’s working, Barnes.”
Giles peered at Aunt Lillian. He thought she was looking a little older already. But he didn’t want to waste even a second.
“Eight-thirty! Read newspaper!”
They all rushed back downstairs to the living room and observed Aunt Lillian as she read the morning newspaper.
“Remember, no comics!” Kevin said.
“And no turning on the TV,” Giles warned her when he caught her eyes straying.
“All right, all right,” she grumbled. She skimmed the day’s headlines, and then the job listings, circling anything she thought might be right for her.
“Now, the bank!” shouted Giles.
They all got on their bicycles and headed off for the local branch, where Aunt Lillian was to open her very own bank account. The customers and the clerk looked at them all a little strangely (especially Aunt Lillian, whose Brain Drainer was humming quite loudly by now) but Aunt Lillian acted so grown up that there wasn’t much trouble at all.
“Excellent work,” said Tina. “Very grown up indeed.”
When they got back to Giles’s house, Tina stopped them in the driveway.
“Eleven o’clock. Time to rescue cat in tree!”
“Cat in tree?” said Giles. “That’s not on the list!”
“A little surprise,” she said. “I got Kevin to scare it up there earlier this morning.”
Aunt Lillian dutifully clambered up the tree and brought down the quavering cat, which purred at her adoringly as she patted it on the head.
“Roger on the cat rescue,” said Kevin, checking his clipboard. “This is amazing!”
Aunt Lillian was looking like a very grown-up teenager by now.
“Lunchtime!” Giles announced.
“Without any kind of frozen meal,” Kevin added.
Much to Giles’s surprise, Aunt Lillian made them all a very tasty meal of cream of celery soup and tuna-salad sandwiches.
“Great job,” said Tina.
“How am I doing?” panted Aunt Lillian. She was now in her late twenties.
“We’re getting there!” said Giles. “Vacuum car.”
As she was finishing off the car, a little girl riding down the sidewalk on a skateboard fell and skinned her knee. Aunt Lillian immediately rushed over to the whimpering child and patted her scraped knee with a tissue. Then, with a comforting hug, she sent her on her way home to get a Band-Aid.
“Was that on the schedule?” Giles asked Kevin in amazement.
“No,” Kevin whispered back.
“Spontaneous display of responsibility,” said Tina, making a note on her clipboard. “This is very impressive. I think we’re almost there, Mr Barnes.”
The rest of the day sped by in a blur. They made Aunt Lillian listen to a whole Brahms concerto, then recite the news headlines she’d read earlier. They observed her while she figured out her taxes, cleaned the inside of the oven, defrosted the refrigerator. She helped Giles with his homework, spending at least half an hour on French verbs, and then made him an eye-doctor appointment. She typed up her resumé on the computer and sent out job applications.
By now, Aunt Lillian was putting on years by the second, growing back into her own clothing. Her face was not quite so smooth, not quite so round. Her hair was losing some of its curl, getting shorter. It was like watching some kind of time-lapse nature film. Suddenly she was back to her old self.
“Stop!” Giles shouted.
“Cut power!” Tina cried. Kevin rushed over and threw the switch on the Brain Drainer.
Aunt Lillian was looking at her body, examining her hands and arms. Kevin wheeled over a full-length mirror. She slowly removed the helmet.
“Uh-oh,” said Kevin.
“Orange hair!” cried Aunt Lillian.
Tina winced. “I thought I’d ironed out that little glitch.”
“Don’t worry! I love it! What a great bonus!”
“What a relief,” Kevin whispered to Giles. “Some people are very sensitive about orange hair.”
“And you know what else?” Aunt Lillian said, peering at herself in the mirror with a mischievous smile. “I think you stopped me a year or two early.”
“Oh. Well, we can always put you back in the Brain Drainer for another session,” said Tina seriously.
“No, no,” said Aunt Lillian. “I’m very happy with the results. Thank you. You kids could make a fortune with that orange hair thing, by the way.”
“I trust you’re happy with the results, too, Mr Barnes?” Tina asked Giles.
“Look, you don’t have to call me Mr Barnes anymore,” he told the Quarks with a grin.
“Oh. I was kind of starting to like it,” Kevin said.
“You know, Barnes,” said Tina, “I don’t know if you’d be interested, but we’ve still got an opening in the genius business.”
“Having trouble finding willing victims?” he asked.
“Barnes, we’re really sorry about your hair,” Kevin said. “We were pretty mean to laugh at you. But you know what? You’ve started a fad at school! I saw two other kids with orange hair today. It’s going to be big, Barnes, very big—and you started it all!”
“I hope you’ll consider my offer,” Tina said. “Good partners are hard to come by.”
“I don’t have to consider it,” said Giles. “I’ve already decided. I’d like my old job back.”
“Great!” exclaimed Kevin. “And we’ll try not to be so annoying. Promise.”
“Don’t worry,” said Giles. “I’ll learn to live with you.”
Have you read all of the Barnes & the Brains adventures?
Also By Kenneth Oppel
Starclimber
Skybreaker
Airborn
Darkwing
Firewing
Sunwing
Silverwing
Dead Water Zone
The Live-Forever Machine
(For Younger Readers)
The King’s Taster
Peg and the Yeti
Peg and the Whale
Emma’s Emu
A Bad Case of Ghosts
A Strange Case of Magic
A Crazy Case of Robots
An Incredible Case of Dinosaurs
A Creepy Case of Vampires
Copyright
A Weird Case of Super-Goo
Copyright © 1996, 2002 by Firewing Productions Inc.
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EPub Edition © JUNE 2010 ISBN: 978-1-443-40068-8
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