his mahogany voice
drifting down the hall
as he read out loud
anything and everything
he could.
I don’t think I can do this.
I don’t think I can be in here.
I’m never going to read a book,
ever ever ever,
and I’m never coming in here
ever ever ever
again.
Whoa, we are far from done here.
Where are you going?
Ms. J gently touches my elbow,
stopping me
before I can run.
Her hand is warm,
steady,
and for one weird second,
I almost put my hand
on top of her hand
to see if some of that
warm steadiness
might rub off on me.
I swallow the puffs of breath
shooting from my mouth,
choking them down
before they make me so dizzy
I have to sit right here
on the floor.
Hey.
It’s okay.
She’s looking at me hard now,
trying to find answers
to the whys I’m creating.
I let the brightness of her stare
hold my gaze,
fill my eyes.
I don’t blink
just in case
her laser stare
can outshine
my dark memories.
Not as easy as it seems, huh?
She’s still looking at me
like I glitched
and grew two heads
for a second.
My one actual head
wakes up,
says to me:
She’s talking about choosing a book,
dummy.
And, yeah,
there are
a million
a jillion
a bazillion
books in here.
Benicio would have loved
every
single
one.
I breathe.
I breathe.
Over there,
a red-and-white spine
winks
in the light.
I pick it up.
My stomach flutters
as I look over the cover.
It’s like a whisper,
a little gift, maybe
from my brother
who can’t technically
give gifts anymore.
What about this one?
I hold it up,
wave it at her
as a smile
squirms its way
to my face, and
little surprise
giggle bubbles
rise up
up
up
out of the darkness
that was just sinking me
a minute ago.
Ms. J’s face
smushes into
a shriveled-up
pucker,
looking more like a
sourpuss starfish
than anything bright and shiny.
That?
That’s not a book.
What!
Yes it is!
I wave it around.
It’s so beat-up,
the cover almost falls off.
It has all these pages.
And an author.
And there’s words in it.
Everything a book needs!
Plus, look . . .
I point to the shelf.
There are lots and lots of copies,
because duh,
this is the kind of book
kids actually like.
Benita.
No.
Pick a real book.
This is a real book!
Everyone will love it.
Benicio would have loved it, too.
He might have even
just now
showed it to me
if you believe in that kind of thing.
Let me see it.
Her words come out all together,
in a long sigh,
like maybe
I just
poked a hole
in her belly
and all her hopes
and dreams
for me
are leaking
out
pshhhhhhhhhhhhh
all
at
She shakes her head,
but
she says:
Fine.
I nod my head
to show her
her head was doing it wrong.
Fine?
Fine.
But everyone better read.
Out loud.
Or I will choose another book.
A real one.
And that will be that.
Save Ur
Server,
Save Ur
self
A Many Choices Sandbox
Adventure Book
by Tennessee Williamson
It’ll be great,
I say.
And the surprise giggle bubbles
squeak-pop around my words.
It might even have a horse in it.
AND a mouse.
Ms. J stops leaking
all her hopes
and dreams
for me
out of her mouth
in big long sighs
as she laughs
hard
before tossing
a fist bump
my way
and saying,
Girl.
Touché.
JORDAN J
<JORDANJMAGEDDON!!!!>
Ben Y has eleven toes. What?? I know!! Everyone else thinks that was her lie on the first day of class, because she said that was her lie, but I know the truth and not because I see her on the city bus every day and sometimes we even sit next to each other and talk about stuff like building a sky ship in Sandbox and how many fairies you would need to make it fly. I haven’t ever seen her toes on the bus, but I still know her toes were not her lie. How? Because she said the thing about finishing every book she reads and her mouth did this thing where half of it turned down just a teeny tiny bit like when my sister Carolina says she ate her Brussels sprouts but I watch her feed them to Spartacus who immediately barfs them out on the floor because Brussels sprouts are not the best, not because Spartacus is barfing all of her food these days. Also, I ALSO have never read a book to the end either, and I feel like Ben Y and I are kind of in a secret club with each other that is so super secret that a) no one knows about it, including Ben Y, and b) we can’t talk about it or else people will know that I also have never finished reading a book even though I’m twelve years old.
We really really really can’t tell Ms. J (no relation) about this unfinished book situation because she went to library school and used to be a librarian and then decided to teach in a classroom instead of a library or at least that’s what she told us when we all thought being a librarian was her lie but really her lie was she owns three pairs of jeans. She actually owns zero pairs of jeans which is even more shocking than having been a librarian which I guess isn’t that shocking if you think about how much she loves books and wants us to love books all the books forever books books books books big books little books boooooooooooooooorks.
So I don’t know about this reading out loud in class dealio. It feels dicey on like seventeen different levels because, one: reading out loud is worse than reading and nothing is worse than reading. Two: reading can never be as interesting as making an amusement park in Sandbox where trampolines are made of sheep and every time you jump on a sheep you make it poo and the poo falls in a lava pit and catches on fire and the smoke fills a hot-air balloon and you r
ide in the hot-air balloon to the platform in the sky where you can jump off and land back on the sheep trampoline to start over again, or you can swim in the platform pool that is filled with baked beans because baked beans are my favorite.
What was I talking about again? Oh! Right! This book. The thing is, though, when Ms. J was all, Benita, can you come in front of the class please, and make a very special announcement? and Ben Y was all, My name is Ben Y not Benita, here’s the new book, and her face did this sideways cat-smile thing like she knew something we didn’t know, I got super confused because she seemed almost happy about the book and then she showed us the book and I was even more confused because is that even a real book?
It said Save Ur Server, Save Ur Self on the cover in the Sandbox font and Ms. J’s face scrunched up like she had eaten really old baked beans people had been swimming in and Ben B and Javier and me all looked at each other and Ben Y winked really big like a grandma who slips you a candy bar after your mom lets all the breath out of her mouth and says, No more candy, Mother, please.
Wait, so it’s a book about Sandbox and cool, cool, does that count as a real book? Ms. J said no and Ben Y said yes both at the same time and everyone laughed and then Ms. J read the first part out loud to show us how she wants us to do it and she used silly voices and kind of danced around and it made me want to dig a hole in the ground so she could fall into it and be saved from her own self because, holy cats, she was so embarrassing, and THEN she made Ben Y start reading out loud for two minutes and thirty seconds in a row which doesn’t sound like a long time but is actually about twenty years and a million seconds long when you’re reading out loud, a thing I know, now that I had to go second after Ben Y.
Javier shook his head and wouldn’t open his mouth when it was his turn and Ms. J blew snorts of air out of her nose like how a gnu would, or no, not a gnu but one of those other big animals that get mad and breathe hard. Warthog? No. Ms. J is prettier than a warthog. Probably prettier than a gnu, too, but I don’t know what a gnu looks like and also I like to say gnu gnu gnu in my head over and over and now Javier had to move his desk next to Ms. J’s desk and he’s facing the rest of us, even though he’s looking at his notebook and not at us and everyone else had already had a turn reading so we had to skip Javier and start over and Ben Y had to read for ANOTHER twenty years and a million seconds or else we wouldn’t have a total of ten minutes and wouldn’t be able to play Sandbox and Ben Y snorted like a gnu, too, and Javier better watch out because Ben Y is going to trample him she’s so mad.
I guess it’s time to hold up my end of the bargain. Those were the words Ms. J said when she scooched a chair up to the computer in the corner that no one ever uses. Ben B helped her get it all turned on and then there it was! Sandbox in school which was super weird like seeing a tiger at the dentist’s office and then we all realized something at the same time . . . Ms. J has never played! Which duh, but also it’s been so long since any of us was a noob we forgot about SETUP. A name, an avatar, choosing strengths, choosing weaknesses, playing on the noob servers until you have enough gold to level up to real servers, it’s like A LOT. And ALL of us forgot she was going to have to do all of that and none of that is fun to watch and it’s going to take a hundred years if we can only do ten minutes at a time and aaaaaaargh. It would almost be better if she WERE a teacher griefer because then at least she’d know how to play so we could, you know, be ACTUALLY PLAYING!
[fart noise]
According to my mom, happy accidents are the next best thing to small miracles, which is an interesting thing to think about especially right now while I’m wondering if it will be a small miracle or a happy accident if Ms. J EVER gets out of setup, omggggggggg and so Ben B is going to create a server with a password that’s just for all of us in class so we can meet tonight and chat about what to do to make this happy accident or small miracle happen faster because omggggggggg we are all going to die, just wither up into skeletons with beards while we wait for Ms. J to decide if she wants blue hair or pink hair or no hair or maybe she should be a dragon why are there so many choices how did you all choose? Seriously seriously this is why grown-ups should not play video games. Or maybe it’s actually why they don’t play video games? Ooh. Deep thought. Anyway, it is setup 911 over here.
JAVIER
<jajajavier:)>
CHAT
Divergent Dingleberries
Private server created by: BenBee
Password required
Avatar name: BenBee
Password: • • • • •
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0BenwhY ENTERS GAME
0BenwhY: benbee my dude
0BenwhY: divergent dingleberries, rly?
BenBee: what. dingleberry pie is delicious.
0BenwhY: omg, ben b, that’s huckleberry. or blackberry. or mulberry.
0BenwhY: literally ANY other berry
jajajavier:): hey nerds, i mean dingleberries
0BenwhY: HE SPEAKS!!
BenBee: Javier, hey, you found the server.
jajajavier:): of course i did. i’m not Ms. J.
0BenwhY: Har har.
0BenwhY: Dude, seriously, tho
0BenwhY: u threw me under the reading bus today
0BenwhY: super extra ugly nasty not cool at all i want to strangle u what were u thinking
jajajavier:): sorry
jajajavier:): soooo we need to get ms. J out of setup, huh?
jajajavier:): y don’t we just give her homework
jajajavier:): she can finish setup at home on her own
0BenwhY: y do u even care, Javier?
0BenwhY: if u wont read u cant play so . . .
jajajavier:): not reading doesn’t mean i don’t care
jajajavier:): cause im never gonna read out loud. zero percent chance of that.
jajajavier:): but its boring to listen to Ms. J spend 56538562 hours in setup
BenBee: but you nodded. under the tree. when she made us promise. to read.
jajajavier:): i nodded bc if i didn’t, she would’ve said no. i nodded to help u help her help u.
BenBee: but if you don’t read you’ll never get to play.
jajajavier:): i willlll survive
0BenwhY: oh nuh uh u will not survive bc I will make u eat the book if u do that to me again
0BenwhY: and u will have to go to the hospital
0BenwhY: for emergency book removal surgery
0BenwhY: and then I will strangle u
0BenwhY: and then u wont be able to give any more advice
jajajavier:): I’m really sorry, ok. Really.
jajajavier:): but come on, we all know its gonna take 57254735 years to get ms j out of setup
0BenwhY: ugh, I knowwwwwww, and i hate that ur right
BenBee: maybe she doesn’t need her own avatar.
BenBee: maybe she can just play as one of us.
0BenwhY: RU bonkers?????
0BenwhY: ms j? playing as me? HAHAHA.
0BenwhY: that’s not the kind of divergent thinking we need, mr. dingleberry
jajajavier:): no way shes playing as me
jajajavier:): noobs get melted like 4629562895 times
jajajavier:): i’d lose all my gold
BenBee: ok fine, good point, no way i can lose all my gold.
BenBee: this homework idea, hmm.
BenBee: it isn’t terrible, even if no on
e likes jajajavier right now.
jajajavier:): hey! I’m a likeable guy!
jajajavier:): u just have to get to know me
0BenwhY: but u don’t talk
jajajavier:): im talking right now. with my hands. hello, nice to chat with u Ben Y
jajajavier:): what r ur hobbies besides yelling at new kids?
jajajavier:): what r ur favorite snacks besides the souls of ppl who wrong u?
0BenwhY:
BenBee: i like to play Sandbox and eat cheesy puffs.
jajajavier:): same!
0BenwhY: hey! focus! wont she like give us homework if we give her homework?
BenBee: she already gives us homework.
0BenwhY: ah, yes, good point. i forgot bc i never do it
BenBee: maybe one of us can just use her login.
BenBee: finish her setup without her.
0BenwhY: no! benbee! your avatar is you. she has to be her.
0BenwhY: we can’t make her her
0BenwhY: only she can do that
BenBee: fine.
BenBee: looks like its homework then.
jajajavier:): BOOM. who has two thumbs and is a smart dude?
JORDANJMAGEDDON!!!! ENTERS GAME
JORDANJMAGEDDON!!!!: Ben Y?
0BenwhY: omg, shut up, Jordan. i am not a dude.
JORDANJMAGEDDON!!!!:
0BenwhY: i can be a girl with short hair, dingleberry, even with a new name
jajajavier:): omg dude, misgendering people as a joke is the worst. Like, im an idiot & even i know that
0BenwhY: thanks. and don’t kiss up to me. im still mad at u.