FERGUS
Really? Money, land, oxen, none of those? You want another job?
ACTOR
I want to be a hero.
FERGUS
IF I get you one more job...that’s descent, you promise to never come back here again? Even if you screw this up, and I know you will. Do you swear on the river Styx to never come back?
ACTOR
I swear.
FERGUS writes on a few papers.
FERGUS
Done. You are now the sidekick of Heracles.
ACTOR is in shock. HE tries to speak "Heracles", but nothing comes out.
FERGUS
Yeah, you heard me. Heracles. He keeps losing his sidekicks. One for each of his labors, and he’s on his twelfth and most dangerous one. This one is yours. You think you can take it?
ACTOR is still in shock.
FERGUS
I’ll take that for a yes. The papers are filled, and now you need to be on your way. [Beat] Get the hell out of here now.
ACTOR stands up, and nods at FERGUS. FERGUS exits. ACTOR, aside to the audience.
ACTOR
Heracles. Heracles! I get to be sidekick to the greatest hero of them all, Heracles! Hera--[hears something from bartender] No, I don't mean Hercules. I said Heracles, and I meant it [half-beat] I don't care if everyone's calling him by his Roman name nowadays. Everyone calls you "ass face" behind your back, but you don't hear me saying it do you? [half-beat] Can I finish my story? Thank you. [to audience] Jeez. Some people just can't let things go, you know? But back to the story, because we're at the most awesome part. Hercules!
[to bartender] Damn it! Now you have me saying it too. [to himself] Heracles, Heracles, Heracles. [to audience] Heracles is pretty much the most awesome guy in the world. Except for the whole Hera made him go insane and kill his whole family and now he has to finish twelve labors in order to get forgiveness for something he didn't even do. That old thing, you know? But whatever. It's freakin' Heracles we're talking about.
HERACLES enters. HERACLES is the greatest Greek Hero ever, and HIS solemn face and rigid posterior do his reputation justice. If it weren't for HIS unending guilt, HE'd be a pleasure to be around. HERACLES and ACTOR are walking down a cave.
HERACLES
And then I took the dragon Ladon's jaws with my hands, and with but a push, I cracked open the creature's skull, and his brains fell to the ground.
ACTOR
Awesome!
HERACLES
When he died, that is when I grabbed one of the golden life apples of the Hesperides and showed it to King Eurystheus, completing my eleventh labor.
ACTOR
That's so freakin’ cool! [Beat] Hey, Heracles. I have a question for you.
HERACLES
Ask it.
ACTOR
It's not a big problem or anything. I'm not going to react badly if you say yes to this, just so you know, but is it true that every one of your labors usually ended in the death of a sidekick? Each?
HERACLES
Yes. That's true.
ACTOR
And now we're down on our way towards the entrance of Hades to capture Cerberus, the three-headed monster dog of the underworld, possibly the hardest of your labors yet.
HERACLES
Is your bravery leaving you, young man?
ACTOR
No...yes. Yes it is, actually. My bravery well is running a little dry today. Every hero I’ve worked with before has either tried to kill me or not even cared to make sure I’d live through their next fight. You can understand, right?
HERACLES
Then go.
ACTOR
What?
HERACLES
Go. I will not judge you. This is my labor, my duty, and I won't blame you for leaving.
ACTOR
So, I can just leave you here all alone, and you're not going to say anything about it? You'll let me leave? Just like that?
HERACLES
Actor, we must chose our own path in life. Who better to find that path than ourselves? May Zeus shine his favor down upon you, whatever you decide to do.
HERACLES goes to leave, but ACTOR catches up with HIM.
ACTOR
Wait. Wait! Okay, fine, I'll go with you. There's no sense in you dying alone. That's just sad. I might as well keep you company.
HERACLES
Thank you.
ACTOR
You're welcome.
THEY reach the bottom.
SFX: Loud dog barking.
ACTOR hides behind HERACLES.
ACTOR
Holy Uranus’ ball sack! That's Cerberus?! He's huge!
HERACLES
Yes, he is a terrifying beast. Stand back! If you see a weakness, then exploit it. If I die today, I die an honored man.
HERACLES yells and runs at Cerberus. ACTOR stands back and watches.
ACTOR
Oh!..Ow!...Punch him! Punch him in the head! All three of them!...Yeah, like that!...Like that!...No, not like that...Get out from underneath him!...Don't let them bite that!...Ooooooh!....Ouch!...Awwww!...Get up, Heracles! Get up! Come on, man. Lots of people are relying on you. I'm relying on you! Get up!
SFX: Dog growls.
ACTOR
Oh, crap. Nice doggie, nice doggie. I wasn't going to hurt you. Not like that other guy. I promise. I'm a good guy. You believe me, right?
ACTOR whistles to Cerberus.
SFX: Dog barking.
ACTOR falls to HIS knees and starts to whimper.
ACTOR
Oh, please don't kill me. I'll get you anything you want. A doggie treat? A nice, comfy throw pillow? Another dog so you have a lady friend? What do you want? What do you--
ACTOR finds a human leg bone on the ground.
ACTOR
What the hell is this? A leg bone?!
SFX: Happy dog barking.
ACTOR
You're...happy? Why the sudden change of...
ACTOR realizes Cerberus is wanting to play fetch.
ACTOR
You want this, don't you? Good doggie. You good, good doggie. You wanna play fetch? You want to go get it?
ACTOR readies throwing the bone.
Okay, you ready? You ready? Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo get it!
ACTOR throws the bone, and Cerberus goes chasing after it. ACTOR then rushes over to HERACLES.
Heracles! You okay? I thought you were a goner.
HERACLES
No, I am fine. It's just flesh and bone. It doesn't matter. Where did Cerberus go? Did you slay him?
ACTOR
No. I played fetch with him.
HERACLES
Fetch?
ACTOR
Yeah. I threw the bone down that way. Oh crap, he's coming back!
ACTOR hides behind HERACLES.
SFX: Happy dog barks.
HERACLES picks up the bone. HE looks at Cerberus, and then HE pitches the bone as hard as he can. CERBERUS follows the bone and exits.
ACTOR
Holy crap! How hard did you throw that thing?
HERACLES
Hard enough. It will soar past King Eurystheus' kindgom, and Cerberus will follow it. When Eurystheus sees the dog of Hades run past his kindgom, he will know it was my doing. And now my last labor is fulfilled.
ACTOR
Oh. Cool. You're done. You can go home now. We can party together. We're heroes! Woohoo! Hey! I know this place in Arcadia where they have this drink called a Little Green Fairy, where you--
HERACLES
No, I will not go with you.
ACTOR
Okay, we don't have to go to Arcadia. I know this place in Knossos where they serve shots of wine and honey together called Aprhodite's nipples. You just take the drink and--
HERACLES
I am not going anywhere. The only place I
want to be is with my family, and they are down here in the afterlife.
ACTOR
But the only way you can stay here is if you die. [Beat] Hey, what are you thinking, man? Are you going to do something drastic here?
HERACLES
Actor, go back up to the land of the living. Enjoy yourself. Live your life. Mine is finished.
ACTOR
But...but...if you don't go up with me, then no one will know about how I helped you on your twelfth labor. If I try to tell them, they'll call me a liar. I've already burned my bridge with the SAG, and if I go back looking like a failure again, they'll never let me be a hero.
HERACLES
Listen to me. I have been a hero all my life. No one told me to be a hero. I was one.
ACTOR
I bet it didn't hurt to have Zeus as an illegitimate father.
HERACLES
Zeus did not make me who I am. No god can make you greater than you want to become. You are either a hero, or you are not. You, Actor, I can see who you really are. When you realize this too, you will finally be happy. As for me, I will be happy when I am with my family again.
ACTOR
Yeah. Whatever. I guess all that made sense. Say "Hey" to the family for me. I'm off on my way to be called a liar and a coward again. Hooray.
HERACLES
Good travels to you, Actor.
ACTOR
You too. I guess.
ACTOR turns to leave.
HERACLES
Actor!
ACTOR
Yes?
HERACLES
You are a worthy sidekick.
ACTOR
Thanks. You’re a worthy hero.
HERACLES and ACTOR walk away. ACTOR has finished HIS story and returns to the drunk at the bar. HE looks at HIS cup.
[to bartender] Hey, you refilled my glass? Thanks man. You're a good friend.
ACTOR takes a few gulps.
[to audience] So now you know the true story about Actor, the greatest sidekick in all the lands. The drunk who filches drinks from people and lies through his teeth. You don't have to believe my story. No one else does. But I'm going to take those words of advice Heracles gave me, and not give a damn about anyone else's opinion except for my own. I suggest you all do the same thing. You'll live longer and happier. Just like me. [Beat] I'm going to go now. So...later. Thanks for the wine and...whatever.
ACTOR goes to leave, but moves out of the way as someone rushes past HIM.
Watch your step, pal! Some of us are dangerously drunk here [half-beat] What? There's a monstrous man-eating boar running through the streets and eating everyone in sight? Good thing I'm in here, then. My father always said the safest place in the world was in the bottom of a wine barrel [half-beat] Huh? You're looking for a guy named Actor? Why? [half-beat] Yeah, he actually did all those things he said he did. Why you asking? [half-beat] Greatest sidekick in the world, you say? [half-beat] Can he kill the monster? I-I-I suppose he could try. [half-beat] Yes, my name is Actor. You could see though my clever disguise as a wino, could you? [half-beat] And say there's no one else in town brave enough to face it? [to audience] I don't know if I should. It sounds really, really dangerous. I might need some encouragement.
ACTOR motions towards the audience to cheer for HIM.
I could lose my limbs and my life going up against something like that.
Again, HE motions for more cheering.
Only a true hero would have big enough cajones to defeat a giant, monstrous, man-eating boar, am I right?
Again, HE motions for extreme cheering.
Okay, I'll do it! I humbly accept this challenge from the gods. Go out there and tell the people I am coming.
The villager exits.
[To audience] Well, isn't that a mysterious, unforeseen twist of events that no one could have guessed was coming? I guess all that bragging in here paid off. I finally get to show off my mad skills. [Beat] I forgot to ask how big the boar is.
SFX: Loud pig squeal.
Aaaaaand that would be the monster pig I have to chop into bacon bits. Well, a hero’s work is never done. I can’t be laying around while there’s people to save. [to bartender] Keep a cup full for me when I return. [half-beat] No, I’m not going to pay for it. I’m going to kill a monster for you and your family’s safety. I think that deserves a free drink, don’t you? [half-beat] You know what, we’ll settle this when I get back. [half-beat] What do you mean “if” I get back?
SFX: Loud pig squeal.
[to audience] I must away! [to bartender] This isn’t over!
ACTOR exits.
SFX: Loud pig squeal.
ACTOR (OS)
Damn, that’s a big pig. Pig soooooooooooooooooieeeeeeeeeee!
THE END