THESEUS
Cool.
ACTOR
You’re back? And alive? And very naked. What the hell happened to your dress?
THESEUS
I don’t know. Guess a thread got caught on the splintery door when we were forced into here, and it just unraveled and unraveled and unraveled and unraveled—
ACTOR
Do you have the end of the thread?
THESEUS
Yeah. Right here.
THESEUS hands over the thin thread over to ACTOR.
ACTOR
We’re saved! Let’s get out of here.
THESEUS
Not so fast. I’m getting an idea.
ACTOR
What kind of idea?
THESEUS
An idea about the future. The future…of clothes design!
Half-beat.
ACTOR
What?
THESEUS
Just look at this Minotaur here. This is some of the best cow hide I’ve ever seen. I bet someone would pay a fortune to have a dress made out of this.
ACTOR
Are you kidding me?
THESEUS pets the dead Minotaur, even rubbing HIS face against it.
THESEUS
Oh, yeah. That’s money just waiting to be made. Think of all those years of wasting monster hides, when I could have been turning a profit. Heracles had the right idea about that super-lion’s hide, but he didn’t have the determination to sell it at wholesale cost. Think about the money!
ACTOR
I’m going.
ACTOR leaves.
THESEUS
And it doesn’t have to end at dresses. Centaur purses, phoenix feather fans, and tree nymph sandals. We’ll be rich, I tell you! Rich! Riiiiiiiiiiich! [Beat] He’s still it. I better run before he tags me back.
THESEUS runs away.
ACTOR returns, aside to the audience.
ACTOR
I’ll tell you one thing. I was fed up with this whole stupid, egotistical, batshit insane heroes needing sidekicks business. As far as I could tell, the only reason why heroes needed sidekicks was to piss on and feel better about themselves. And I was tired of getting soaked. But…deep down, I still wanted to be a hero. So I went back to the SAG.
ACTOR goes back to the story. FERGUS enters and sits at the table. ACTOR slowly sits down in front of FERGUS.
Uncomfortable Beat.
FERGUS
I’m trying think of what I did to deserve you. I try to pray to all the gods every time I make sacrifices, but I guessed I missed one, ‘cause only a god would send me such a screw up as you!
ACTOR
It’s not my fault this time!
FERGUS
Do you know where they found Theseus? Do you? They found him still in that Labrynth, a week after you left him there, and he had set up a shop selling cowhide boots to skeletons! To skeletons! You know how this makes me look?
ACTOR
[half-beat] Bad?
FERGUS
Yes. Bad. Very, very bad! Do you even want to be a hero, or are you here just to push me over the edge? Because I’ll be honest, it’s not gonna take much more!
ACTOR
I’m sorry.
FERGUS
Oh, he’s sorry. It’s okay, everybody. I’m the joke of the whole SAG, but he apologized. I feel so much better now.
FERGUS lays HIS head on the table.
Beat.
ACTOR
So. You have another job for me, yet?
FERGUS looks up slowly with hate and spite shooting out of HIS eyes. ACTOR smiles.
FERGUS
Yes. Yes, I do. I have the perfect job for you. [laughs maniacally] Yes, the best.
FERGUS writes on some more papers.
ACTOR
Actually, I…I’m not sure I want it.
FERGUS
Huh?
ACTOR
I don’t know. This whole sidekick thing isn’t as cool as I thought it would be. I thought I’d be a hero by now. But it’s just not happening, so I’m gonna go back to my mom’s place and crash there until my dad gets too old to date. Thanks for the help, though.
ACTOR stands up to leave.
FERGUS
No! You can’t!
FERGUS jumps up.
I have the perfect, perfect job for you. Guaranteed to take you to the top.
ACTOR
I don’t know. How good of a job is it?
FERGUS
It’s to die for.
FERGUS chuckles, then laughs, and then laughs out loud. Clueless, ACTOR joins in the laughter.
ACTOR
Well, if you’re so positive about this job, then I guess I’ll take it.
FERGUS
Good man!
ACTOR
Who is it?
FERGUS
You ready for this? [half-beat] Perseus!
ACTOR
You…you’re kidding me!
FERGUS
I kid you not, kid. A spot just opened up, and you’re the perfect fit. What do you think?
ACTOR
I think , hell yeah!
FERGUS
Good.
THEY shake hands.
ACTOR
I won’t let you down…a fourth time.
FERGUS
Uh-huh. Whatever. Just get the hell out of here and go.
ACTOR
Thank you, Mr. Fergus. May Zeus bless you with—
FERGUS
I said get the hell out of here!
ACTOR leaves quickly. FERGUS hears something from the back room.
FERGUS
Huh? Don’t you worry none. There hasn’t been a single man to survive Perseus yet. Our troubles are over. [chuckles]
FERGUS exits. ACTOR reenters, aside to the audience.
ACTOR
A life lesson. When you do some wrong to someone, and then said person wants to shower you with gifts, smell the air because something stinks. On the other hand, I had just been given the best job possible for a sidekick. To be the right hand of Perseus. Oh-ho-ho, my father would jump off a building if you told him his son Actor was the new sidekick of Perseus.
Me and Perseus. Side by side. Fighting evil. Kicking butt and taking names. So…I meet my next hero Perseus, and this guy is awesome. I mean awesome. Left and right, women are throwing themselves at this guy, and sometimes they’d bounce off of him and land on me. Good times all around. And I won’t even start on the free food this guy got. After a few days of fun, it was time to go and kill us a Gorgon. Medusa, to be specific. Before I came, Perseus had got these three old witches to tell him where Medusa lived. So, me and him were off to go and kill the Gorgon. Gangster style. Yeah.
PERSEUS enters with a reflective shield and a sword in hand. PERSEUS is the perfect model for the statue of practically any god. HE’s the guy with the perfect smile, and knows how to make a friend out of any enemy. PERSEUS and ACTOR are walking up a hill.
PERSEUS
Walk faster, Actor. We have a creature in need of slaying.
ACTOR
You…you remembered my name?
PERSEUS
Of course I did. You’re my sidekick. My right hand man. If you’re willing to risk your life for the safety of others, the least I can do for you is learn your name.
ACTOR
That’s what I say. Those other heroes, the ones before you, were all assholes. Jason left me on an island to die, Bellerophon screwed up my back and didn’t even say “thanks”, and Theseus? Really? That guy?
PERSEUS
Yes, I know of them. But although they all have their faults, they are still men of good deeds, and they deserve our respect. Just as I respect you.
ACTOR
You….you’re awesome, man.
PERSEUS
I know. I know.
ACTOR
Hey, I can see the cave from here. You think Medusa’
s in there right now?
PERSEUS
I know she is. Those witches would not dare lie to me.
ACTOR
No, I don’t think anyone could lie to you.
ACTOR, aside to audience.
Okay, okay. I had a little bit of a mancrush. I’m honest enough to admit it.
ACTOR goes back to the story.
PERSEUS
Be careful. Although she never leaves her cave, she might still strike us with an arrow.
ACTOR
Oh, okay. Yeah. Got ya.
ACTOR tiptoes over to the opening of the cave.
PERSEUS
We are here.
ACTOR
I’m ready.
PERSEUS
Here we go.
PERSEUS takes a step and feigns twisting HIS ankle.
PERSEUS
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
ACTOR
What’s wrong?
PERSEUS
I twisted my ankle. Oh, it hurts so much!
ACTOR
Is it bad?
PERSEUS
I’ve never felt a pain like it. I dare say Achilles felt less pain than I do right now.
ACTOR
Put pressure on it. I’ll try to find a doctor.
PERSEUS
No! I can’t let you do that, my friend. I swore to Apollo that I’d kill Medusa today, and today I must do it.
PERSEUS gets on HIS foot and limps.
ACTOR
That looks really bad.
PERSEUS
It’s just flesh and pain. Nothing more. Yet…No, I won’t say it.
ACTOR
What?
PERSEUS
It’s just…I am injured. I am less than one hundred percent. Medusa is a formidable foe, and if I go up against her, I might die. If I was healthy, I could die knowing I gave my best. But with this ankle, I will die humiliated. But I can’t give up, for I have sworn to Apollo, and I cannot anger the gods. What shall I do? What shall I do?
PERSEUS fake cries. ACTOR thinks on it.
All those poor widows and fatherless children, who will protect them now after I am gone? Who? Oh, if only someone could take my place today. Anyone!
ACTOR
I will fight Medusa.
PERSEUS
You? You will fight her? Why?
ACTOR
If I die, then you’ll live to fight another day. The Hero-Sidekick Union lawbook prohibits a Hero from fighting a monster without a properly sanctioned Sidekick. If I am killed, then no big loss. If you’re killed, then who will protect us from Medusa?
PERSEUS
You’re sure of this?
ACTOR
I’ve never been so sure of anything else.
PERSEUS hugs ACTOR.
PERSEUS
I will never forget this, my friend.
I will fight with your honor in my heart, friend.
PERSEUS
For the glory of Greece, I salute you!
THEY salute and then let go. ACTOR enters the cave. However, HE returns right away.
ACTOR
Uhm…
PERSEUS
Yes?
ACTOR
Exactly how do I kill Medusa? I have no idea, but I’m sure you might have one.
PERSEUS
Cut her head off. Without the head, the snake’s body shall die.
ACTOR
Cut off the head. Right. Okay. Thank you, my friend.
PERSEUS
It’s no trouble, my friend.
ACTOR leaves, but then returns.
ACTOR
Uhm…
PERSEUS
Yes?
ACTOR
Is there anything unique about Medusa I should know about? Like, does she spit venom or anything?
PERSEUS
Her stare will turn your body into stone. You must kill her without looking directly at her.
ACTOR
I have to chop her head off without actually looking at her?
PERSEUS
Yes. Also, do not touch her blood. It is poisonous and will kill you.
ACTOR
So I have to chop off her head without looking at her to know where her head is and avoid touching the splatter of blood which is almost certain to splatter in every which way, assuming I do actually cut off her head.
PERSEUS
Yes.
Beat.
ACTOR
Hmm.
PERSEUS
What?
ACTOR
I just…don’t see this happening. I mean, I’ll do it. Don’t worry. I’ll still do it, but this seems like a sure death to me.
PERSEUS
And?
ACTOR
I’d like to, I don’t know, write down my final thoughts. Ponder about the meaning of life for awhile. Sleep with a woman who has more teeth in her mouth than I have fingers.
Beat.
PERSEUS
Are you going to do this or not? My friend. Are you losing courage?
ACTOR
No. Like I said, this is almost absolutely going to kill me, and I just want to enjoy life a little bit before I go in that cave and get turned into a lawn ornament. Eat a fresh quince or a few grapes, read a good piece of parchment, the sleep with a woman thing I mentioned before, go to a nice theatre show—
PERSEUS stops limping and shakes ACTOR.
PERSEUS
Shut up and go in there and do it now! I have a time schedule to keep, and this little swan song of yours is throwing me off track!
ACTOR
You’re not limping anymore.
PERSEUS
What?
ACTOR
Your ankle. You’re not limping on it anymore.
PERSEUS
I’m…I’m…mad and too full of rage to feel the pain anymore.
ACTOR
And somehow this is still too much pain for you to bear through and fight Medusa yourself?
PERSEUS
It hurts like a thousand needles poking me in the eye.
ACTOR
It looks like you’re trying to bullshit me into throwing myself onto the fire so you don’t have to.
PERSEUS
You dare call me a liar?!
ACTOR
I don’t dare anything. Your ankle isn’t hurt.
PERSEUS
I swear it is!
ACTOR
I swear that if you tell me your ankle is actually hurting anymore, I’m going to shove this sword and shield so far up your ass—
PERSEUS
Fine! Whatever! My ankle isn’t actually hurt. I was lying to you.
ACTOR
And why the hell would you do that?
PERSEUS
This is kind of my deal. I get a new sidekick, show him a good time, and then I throw him in this cave to die. He gets an honorable death, I get to live one more day, and everyone’s happy.
ACTOR
Happy? Happy?! You think those statues in there seem happy with their current situation? To hell with this. I’m out.
ACTOR starts to leave.
PERSEUS
You dare leave, and I’ll inform the SAG of your disobedience, and you’ll never get a sidekick job ever again!
ACTOR stops and turns around.
ACTOR
Excuse me?
PERSEUS
I’ll make sure you never get to be a hero.
Beat.
Well fuck you! You know what?
PERSEUS
What?
ACTOR
I am going into that cave. And I’m not going in there flinging my sword around like a blind idiot. I’m going to use my brain on this one.
PERSEUS
Don’t rattle your head too hard. You might smash the pea.
ACTOR
Oh, you think I’m joking, do you? Watch this.
; ACTOR gets up to the cave and polishes the shield.
ACTOR
[to the inside of the cave] I’m a warrior about to risk my life for some dickhead named Perseus, and I’m coming in ready or not!
ACTOR stomps on the ground a few times and then raises the shield into the hole.
SFX: A monstrous scream followed by thunderous sounds and cracking boulders.
ACTOR peaks inside the cave, and then looks at PERSEUS.
ACTOR
Problem solved, bitch. Medusa’s dead.
PERSEUS
How? How did you—
ACTOR
It’s not that hard to figure out. Her stare turns anything into stone. You ever hear of a freakin’ mirror before?
PERSEUS
Is she truly dead?
ACTOR
Clean out your ears. I killed her! She’s dead! You’re welcome.
PERSEUS looks into the cave.
Don’t believe me. Whatever.
PERSEUS looks at ACTOR.
PERSEUS
She’s dead.
ACTOR
Told you.
PERSEUS takes a moment to assess the situation.
PERSEUS
And I’m taking the credit.
ACTOR
You’re what?!
PERSEUS
Think about it. I’m a real hero. I’ve killed hundreds of monsters. Who’ll believe that some little punk like you vanquished something like Medusa? No one will believe you, and SAG will fire you so fast, it’ll make your head spin. You hear me? You hear me?! I’m taking the credit, and there’s nothing you can do about it, sidekick.
Beat.
ACTOR
I’m getting you back.
PERSEUS
[laughing] I’d like to see you try. Farewell, my friend.
PERSEUS exits, laughing.
ACTOR
I’m getting you back, I said! You better watch yourself. When I swear vengeance, people start going down like rats on a sinking boat. I am a hurricane, and I will blow your house down on your head! ON YOUR HEAD!
ACTOR, aside to the audience.
ACTOR
I may not be the strongest man alive. I may not be the best swordsman alive. I may not be the best archer alive. But I know vengeance. I will burn the house down with me in it if it gets me my revenge. I am one crazy mo-fo.
ACTOR puts the sword and shield into the bag and gets FERGUS’ hat out.
So, on to my merry way back to the SAG for a new job. Whooptie-freakin’-doo.
ACTOR goes back to the story. HE is at the SAG sitting on a chair.
HE is agitated, yet satisfied with HIMSELF. FERGUS enters. FERGUS is not satisfied at all.
Long Beat filled with staring and defensive facial expressions.
FERGUS
Let me get this straight. According to you, Perseus was going to sacrifice you to Medusa so he didn’t have to die. Then, you show him up and kill Medusa yourself. That’s when he decides to take the credit and blackmail you into silence.
ACTOR
Yep.
FERGUS
You can’t just shut the hell up and learn your lesson, so you take it to the next level. First, you go to his house and paint in red “Big Legend, Little Sword” on the front wall for the whole town to read.
ACTOR
Mm-hmm.
FERGUS
Second, you get a herd of goats, about thirty of them, to roam into his house and straight into his wardrobe closet. This was right after you had them eat a bucket of extra spicy chili.
ACTOR
Mm-hmm.
FERGUS
Third, you steal all of his wine and pour it into the town’s fountain and call for a ceremonial “wet toga” party day.
ACTOR
Mm-hmm.
FERGUS
Fourth, and the most impressive, you spike Perseus’ drink to get him to fall asleep, and then you tie him upside-down, naked, underneath a donkey. And on that donkey you put a sign that said, “Mind your own business!”
ACTOR
Yes.
FERGUS
That donkey walked that city for two days before someone cut him free. Do you realize that?
ACTOR
I thought I’d get three.
Beat.
FERGUS
Why do you hate me?
ACTOR
I don’t hate you.
FERGUS
I admit I sent you to Perseus knowing he’d probably kill you, but do I deserve all this crap you keep throwing my way? I’m almost willing to throw myself into the pits of Hades just to get away from you. What can I do to get you to leave here and never come back?
Beat.
ACTOR
How about you give me a real sidekick’s job?