COSMO
-the majority of the representatives.
MASTIDIA
Right, right. The majority of the representatives agree on me bill, then they'd rectify the mistake of polluting me bog?
COSMO
And they'd compensate you for any loss and damages you suffered during the transition.
Beat.
MASTIDIA
Naaaah! Ye be sitting in me brew a bit too long for ye good. I'll be fetching a fire spell and pepper salts to cook ye into a magical stone and complete me collection of lawn ornaments.
MASTIDIA Exits.
MASTIDIA (OS)
A people’s country. Hah!
COSMO
Darn. I almost had one.
Beat.
COSMO (CONT.)
Cozy. A little damp.
COSMO tastes the soup in the cauldron.
COSMO (CONT.)
Mmm. Not too bad.
YALENA cautiously enters with sword in hand.
COSMO
Hey, Yalena! You come to save me?
YALENA
Are you okay?
COSMO
More or less. It's good to see you again. You bring anyone with you?
YALENA
I came with Euno and Doris.
COSMO
Whose Doris? A new friend? Where are they?
YALENA
They're...
YALENA looks to see no one behind HER.
YALENA (CONT.)
Hey!
YALENA exits and returns with EUNO and DORIS.
YALENA
Where'd you two run off to?
DORIS
I'm sorry. I'm out of shrooms. It makes me edgy man.
YALENA
[to EUNO] And you?
EUNO
She said there were harpies coming.
YALENA
Shouldn’t you be able to tell if she's lying or not?
EUNO
I should, shouldn't I?
COSMO
Hi, Euno.
EUNO
Prince Cosmo!
EUNO goes to hugh COSMO, but hugs the cauldron.
EUNO (CONT.)
What happened to you?! Has the witch fattened you up to eat you like a roasted hog?
COSMO
No. I'm in a cauldron. She's going to cook me into a stone.
EUNO
Ahhhh.
EUNO tastes the water.
EUNO (CONT.)
You'll be a terrible tasting stone. Too much cumin.
YALENA
Cosmo?
COSMO
Yes?
YALENA
I know this is not the best circumstances to ask this, but...
COSMO
Yes?
YALENA looks at EUNO and DORIS, and DORIS looks away and pulls at EUNO.
YALENA
I…I like you. I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, for goodness sakes, I'm on a mission to save you from a witch in a sewer bog. But you're a prince, and I need to know that me being a servant doesn't matter to you. Does it?
COSMO
Yalena, it never did. I've felt the same way for you since the day I saw you handwashing the royal horse stables after they found those open barrels of castor oil. The way the sun made your hair glow, your eyes lost in your own daydreams, and the smell of lye, hay, and manure, I knew I had to make you mine from that day on.
YALENA
The first time I saw you was when you were dancing around your room wearing your mother's dress and letting the broom lead.
COSMO
I was dancing for you.
YALENA
You were?
COSMO
I knew you were watching.
YALENA
So we can be together? Even if I'm not royalty?
COSMO
Definitely, assuming we survive. Could you help me out?
YALENA
Yes! Okay.
YALENA goes to help COSMO, but THEY end up kissing instead.
EUNO
That's nice.
DORIS
Hmm.
EUNO
What?
DORIS
Nothing. I just thought he was ga-
MASTIDIA (OS)
-Who’s trespassing on me property?!
EUNO and DORIS jump back in fear as YALENA prepares to strike. MASTIDIA enters.
MASTIDIA (CONT.)
Who be ye fools to come to my house uninvited?
DORIS
Who'd come here on purpose, man? Do you even know how bad it smells here, man?
MASTIDIA
It's not be me fault! It be society's.
DORIS
Okay, okay. I can roll with that, man.
MASTIDIA
If yer king had not forced his unfair orders on me and me property, I'd never have done this!
DORIS
ALL are staring at DORIS.
DORIS (CONT.)
What? Oh. Right. Sorry.
MASTIDIA
I'll kill ye all for making me hear such prattel!
MASTIDIA raises HER hands in the air and cackles.
SFX: thunder and wind.
COSMO
She'll kill us all!
EUNO
[to Audience] Maybe.
SFX: thunder and wind.
MASTIDIA cackles again.
MASTIDIA
I shall destroy ye all! Vengeance be mine!
YALENA
But why? What will killing us do? Will it make you happy? Will it make your swamp smell better? Will it change anything other than you? Is this really what you want?
SFX: thunder and wind dies down.
MASTIDIA
I never thought of it that way.
Beat.
DORIS
Why not?
MASTIDIA
I don't know. Me anger's been growing more and more over the years. I never knew where it came from. Guess it started with the stonings, it grew more with the witch burnings, and the sewer dumps was the last straw.
COSMO
What would make you happy? What could wipe away all your pain and make you a good person again?
MASTIDIA
I guess...I guess...
ALL
(to MASTIDIA) What?
MASTIDIA
When I was a wee one
Half me size I am now
Me pop was an outlaw
Me mother, cruel and sour.
ALL
And?
MASTIDIA
I was born with green thumbs
Roses grew from me feet
Begonias round me legs
Sunflowers out me seat.
I'd sell all me flowers
Out of me reed basket
The townspeople loved me
Me life was fully set.
ALL
And?
MASTIDIA
The witchery coven
Chose me for next in line
They gave me this cauldron
And said it was me time.
I was to wield back arts
Cast curses and spread lies
Reap vengance on weak fools
And skin them of their hides.
ALL
And?
MASTIDIA
But me plants never grew
Without me tender love
So I quit witchery
And then push came to-
YALENA quickly stabs MASTIDIA with the Enchanted Damascus Sword. MASTIDIA screams in pain.
SFX: thunder and wind.
MASTIDIA falls down dead.
DORIS
Dud
e, that was awesome!
COSMO
I've never seen anything so scary in my life.
EUNO
I didn't see it at all.
COSMO
Why'd you kill her? In the middle of song?
YALENA
Well! I...you…she...I came here to use this sword, and...and...she was evil! Right?
Beat.
YALENA (CONT.)
Right?
Beat.
COSMO
Her song wasn't that good anyway.
DORIS
Yeah.
EUNO
I don't agree, but now we can go home.
YALENA
I guess that’s good enough for me.
DORIS
Let's go. I gotta get more shrooms before I start feeling normal again.
DORIS and EUNO exit, but COSMO pulls back YALENA for a private moment.
YALENA
What is it Cosmo?
COSMO
May I have this dance?
YALENA calms down.
COSMO (CONT.)
Please?
YALENA gives HER hand and THEY dance around.
COSMO
I like to dance.
I love to dance.
I must move my legs around until I fall.
YALENA
I love to dance.
I live to dance.
My arms will flail around until I’m called
COSMO
To put on the very best show known to man
YALENA
Where no one will ever lose their attention span,
COSMO
Because they’ll be watching the best dancer with a perfect tan.
COSMO
It’ll be the best show known to man.
YALENA
It’ll be the best show known to man.
MASTIDIA starts to move around.
COSMO
Oh my god! She's not dead!
YALENA pulls the sword out of MASTIDIA and repeatedly stabs MASTIDIA.
COSMO (CONT.)
Yes, get her! Stab her! Stab her again!
MASTIDIA falls down dead a second time.
COSMO
You get her?
YALENA
Yes, I think so.
Beat.
COSMO
We can dance later.
YALENA
Good idea.
COSMO and YALENA exit.
END ACT I, SCENE V
ACT I, SCENE VI
Throne Room. LEANDER and HILLARY are sitting silently in THEIR thrones.
Beat.
LEANDER
So...
HILLARY
So...
Beat.
HILLARY
The cow tossing last night were fun.
LEANDER
Yes. The Shmeckles has been practicing.
HILLARY
Must be all the grave digging. You know those morticians.
LEANDER
It's a family business.
Beat.
LEANDER (CONT.)
How long does it take for one lousy scene change?
HILLARY
What?
COSMO enters.
COSMO
Mother!
HILLARY
Cosmo!
HILLARY hugs COSMO.
HILLARY
I was so worried.
COSMO
No need to worry. I'm perfectly fine.
LEANDER holds out a hand for COSMO to shake in a calm, manly fashion.
LEANDER
Son.
COSMO
Father.
YALENA enters.
HILLARY
The servant girl!
YALENA
Yalena.
EUNO enters.
HILLARY
Our personal blind prophet!
EUNO
Where? Oh, me.
DORIS enters.
HILLARY
And our bloodthirsty goblin!
DORIS
Hey.
LEANDER
Wait. We don't have a bloodthirsty goblin.
HILLARY screams, grabs COSMO, and along with LEANDER hide in the corner. HILLARY pushes LEANDER out in front.
HILLARY
Kill it! Kill it!
LEANDER
Don't push me, woman!
LEANDER takes out a pitiful knife and wields it like a sword.
LEANDER (CONT.)
Prepare to die!
COSMO
Wait, wait, wait! She's with me!
LEANDER
It's a she?
DORIS
Hey!
YALENA
She's not dangerous. She's a vegetarian.
LEANDER
A vegi-what-what?
YALENA steals the knife from LEANDER.
YALENA
She doesn't eat meat!
DORIS
Nope.
Beat.
LEANDER
[to DORIS] You're not a liberal, are you?
COSMO
Father!
COSMO pushes pass LEANDER and moves next to YALENA.
COSMO (CONT.)
Stop being so stupid!
LEANDER
What did you call me?!
HILLARY
Cosmo! Don't talk to your father like that!
LEANDER
I'm your king!
COSMO
Not any more!
LEANDER
Why not?
COSMO
I'm getting married!
DORIS
[to EUNO] Can a prince be king after marriage if his dad's still alive?
EUNO
I don't know. This is a fairytale. It doesn’t have to make sense.
HILLARY
You're getting married? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! To who? Where is she? Is she pretty?
COSMO holds YALENA's hand in HIS own.
COSMO
She definitely is.
HILLARY
What's her name? Is she one of your first cousins?
LEANDER
Oh no. Not the help.
HILLARY
The help? You...who...[to YALENA] You?
YALENA
Yes. Me.
COSMO
Yes. Her. Us.
LEANDER
I don't know if I'll stand for this.
HILLARY
Well...
LEANDER
Well what?
HILLARY
I guess this is better than him being alone for the rest of his life.
EUNO
Or the alternative to that.
Beat.
LEANDER
[to YALENA] What's your name again?
YALENA
Yalena.
LEANDER.
Hmph!
LEANDER paces around the room.
LEANDER (CONT.)
[to YALENA] You in love with my son Cosmo? This isn't' some trick to get out of manual labor, is it?
HILLARY
Leander!
LEANDER
No, no. I want to know why she thinks she's worthy of Cosmo.
Beat.
LEANDER
[to YALENA] So?
YALENA
Listening to prophets
Finding new friends
Killing huge monsters
Making amends.
All these I have done
On my long quest
But I found someone
Worth this huge mess
I found you
You found me
I'm the happiest a girl can be.
COSMO and YALENA dance.
COSMO
You found me
I found you
I'm so happy I don't know what to do.
YALENA
Dance with me
Hold my hand
Make my heart fly so
high and never land.
COSMO
Dance with me
Hold me tight
Lay your head down and squeeze with all your might.
COSMO
I'll Never let go
Of you again
Stay close in my arms
Holding my hand.
YALENA
I'll Never let go
Of you again
Stay close in my arms
Holding my hand.
ALL dance; LEANDER with HILLARY, EUNO with DORIS.
ALL
I found you
You found me
I'm the happiest a girl can be.
You found me
I found you
I'm so happy I don't know what to do.
Dance with me
Hold my hand
Make my heart fly so high and never land.
Dance with me
Hold me tight
Lay your head down and squeeze with all your might.
COSMO
I'll Never let go
Of you again
Stay close in my arms
Holding my hand.
YALENA
I'll Never let go
Of you again