EUNO
Light of day.
YALENA
The light of day.
DORIS
The cosmic waves will ride on by
To give you a new kind of high
Connection between the souls
They know who you really are
Like a guiding north star
Handing you life goals.
I know the universe
And I accept this giving curse.
I can't tell what's really real
You should trust what you feel.
DORIS puts the ukulele away.
EUNO
That was beautiful.
YALENA
It really was. I didn't understand all your lyrics, but I felt how pretty they were. You know?
EUNO
What?
DORIS
Thanks.
Beat.
DORIS (CONT.)
I'm gonna pass out now.
DORIS suddenly falls asleep.
YALENA
That's a great idea. Let me try that.
YALENA suddenly falls asleep. EUNO looks at the others, shrugs, and falls asleep too.
Beat.
The Monkey Twins HEBE and STEVE enter. HEBE and STEVE are mischievous, edgy, petty creatures whom barely hold each other as allies. Given the chance, THEY'll steal and cheat anyone possible, and constantly do.
THEY whisper and smack THEMSELVES for awhile and then search the area.
HEBE
[Whispered] Steve.
STEVE is fascinated by a stick of meat.
HEBE
Steve.
STEVE tastes the meat and spits it out. HEBE slaps STEVE.
STEVE
Stop it!
HEBE
You stop it!
STEVE
No! You stop it!
THEY get into a shushing contest, but soon go quiet. THEY argue silently and go back to searching.
STEVE finds the Enchanted Damascus Sword, and HEBE finds the bag of mushrooms.
STEVE
[Whispered] Hebe.
HEBE smells the mushroom.
STEVE
Hebe.
HEBE licks the mushroom and hates the taste. STEVE slaps HEBE.
HEBE
Why you hit me?
STEVE
I find it!
HEBE
You find it?
STEVE
I find it.
HEBE
You find it!
HEBE tries to grab the sword, but STEVE jerks back.
STEVE
No! Mine!
HEBE
No! Mine!
THEY have a tug-o-war with the sword.
STEVE
Mine!
HEBE
Mine!
EUNO wakes up.
EUNO
Who’s there? Who’s there? I know who’s there!
HEBE and STEVE freeze.
EUNO (CONT.)
You...are...a plot device!
EUNO suddenly falls back asleep.
STEVE
What he say?
HEBE
Don't care. Let's go.
STEVE
Go now.
HEBE and STEVE run away.
The morning comes, waking up YALENA and DORIS up. YALENA searches for the sword.
DORIS
Those were some crazy dreams, man. I was running away from a yellow gnome with sharp teeth. I think he wanted to chop me up and make me eat his brown sugar cookies or something. And I was like, "Dude, don't push your baked goods on me! That's fascist!" He said he was a Socialist, but he didn't fool-
YALENA
-Where's the sword?
DORIS looks around.
DORIS
Don't know.
YALENA
Where's the sword?
DORIS
Not so loud, man. Ask Euno.
YALENA
Euno.
EUNO moves a little. YALENA shakes HIM awake.
YALENA (CONT.)
Euno!
EUNO
"I can't watch this whole thing. I really need to use the bathroom. Who makes a musical about fantasy worlds these days anyhow? I can't believe my wife-"
YALENA shakes EUNO again.
YALENA
Euno, wake up!
EUNO
Yes! I'm here. I'm awake. What do you need?
YALENA
Where's the sword?
EUNO
It's stolen.
YALENA
Stolen?! Who stole it?
EUNO
The Monkey Twins.
YALENA
The...are you still asleep?
EUNO
Nope. The Monkey Twins stole the sword. They stole it last night.
DORIS
I know those guys. They owe me money.
YALENA
(to EUNO) Why didn't you stop them?
EUNO
...I'm blind. What do you expect me to do?
DORIS
I know where they live.
YALENA
You do?
DORIS
Yeah. They shack up with this troll named Precious.
Beat.
YALENA
Precious?
DORIS
She's real big. Like, the only reason why I haven't got my money yet, real big.
YALENA
I don't care how big she is. We're getting that sword back now.
DORIS
Now?
YALENA
Yes now!
DORIS
Harsh.
YALENA
Euno, let's go!
EUNO
Are you sure you're ready to fight Precious the Troll? The same troll who ate an entire-
YALENA
-I don't need to know what she's done in the past. I know she has my sword and that's enough. I'm going to go in her house and-
DORIS
-cave. She lives in a cave.
YALENA
Her cave…and get back what's mine!
EUNO
Good for you.
YALENA
Let's go!
THEY all get up and get ready to go. YALENA exits first.
DORIS
[Whispered] I'm not sure about this. Precious is really big.
EUNO
No worries. We have the heroine of this story on our side.
DORIS
I told you, man. That stuff's too harsh for-
YALENA (OS)
Come on!
DORIS and EUNO exit.
END ACT I, SCENE IV
ACT I, SCENE V
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS enter the cave of PRECIOUS. It is dark, foreboding, and adorned with the bones and skins of the dead.
YALENA
[to PRECIOUS] Come on out, you thief holder!
DORIS
Woah! I mean, maybe you should...like, be nicer or something. Precious is really big.
YALENA
Any bigger than that idiot Xander?
DORIS
Well, yeah. Euno tell her. You've seen Precious before, right?
Beat.
DORIS (CONT.)
Oh, right. The blind thing. Sorry.
YALENA
[to Precious] Come on out! I want my sword back now!
HEBE and STEVE sneak up behind DORIS and EUNO near the entrance of the cave.
DORIS
This is a bad idea, man.
STEVE
Bad idea!
HEBE
Bad, bad!
DORIS
It's a trap!
YALENA
The Monkey Twins?!
DORIS
Let's get out of here!
EUNO and DORIS start to run to the other side of the cave until PRECIOUS can be heard.
PRECIOUS is as large as SHE is intimidating and has a reputation of killing first, then e
ating, and then not caring to ask questions later. With every step SHE takes, all fear the resulting earthquakes.
PRECIOUS (OS)
Who dares enter my cave?
YALENA
I do. What exactly do you have to say about it?
PRECIOUS enters.
YALENA
Wow. She is really big.
DORIS
Told you.
PRECIOUS
I will smash you and cook you and eat you all!
HEBE
Smash!
STEVE
Cook!
HEBE
Eat!
EUNO
You all!
Beat.
PRECIOUS
Die!
PRECIOUS move towards YALENA.
YALENA
Wait!
PRECIOUS stops.
HEBE
No wait!
STEVE
Kill, kill!
YALENA
I'm sorry that we've bothered you, Precious. You're obviously a person with very little time on her hands. If we could get our sword back from your roomates, we'll leave immediately and never bother you again.
PRECIOUS
I keep sword!
YALENA
Okay, that's fine. You can have it. What was I thinking? I have more back at home. We'll be on our way now, and you enjoy your new sword.
HEBE and STEVE continue to block the way.
PRECIOUS
No leaving! I kill you all!
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS all scream as PRECIOUS prepares to smash THEM.
SFX: Cell phone ringing.
ALL look at the audience disapprovingly until PRECIOUS pulls out HER cell phone.
PRECIOUS
Oh, it’s mine. Sorry.
PRECIOUS answers the phone.
PRECIOUS (CONT.)
Hello, snuggins. Is my little cuttie bum dressing up for the dance competition?...What?...What?!...But you said you go with me!...No!!!
PRECIOUS stomps on the ground.
PRECIOUS (CONT.)
Yes, I'm mad! I told all my friends I was going with the troll, and now you say you're not going?...You're going with Morline, aren't you?..Don't try to lie to me! You...I...Go and take Morline to the dance and the both of you can get torched by a Lava Yak for all I care. We're over!!!
PRECIOUS hangs up the phone.
Long Beat.
YALENA
Can we go now?
PRECIOUS
Who cares?
STEVE
But what about smash?
HEBE
And cook?
STEVE
And-
PRECIOUS
-I SAID WHO CARES!!!
HEBE and STEVE cower on the ground. PRECIOUS pouts in the corner.
DORIS
Uh, let's...go. Like, now.
DORIS and EUNO start to leave, but YALENA can't ignore PRECIOUS' pain. YALENA sits down by PRECIOUS.
YALENA
So he left you for another woman...troll?
PRECIOUS
Maybe. What do you care?
DORIS motions for EUNO to leave YALENA behind, but YALENA stays.
YALENA
You really like him, don't you?
PRECIOUS
Kind of.
YALENA
He'll come around. And if he doesn't, so what? You're...handsome enough. You'll find someone new.
PRECIOUS
You don't understand. He's going with her because his parents think he can do better than me. I feel so worthless.
YALENA
Why? What does she have that you don't?
PRECIOUS
You want to know what she has that I don’t?
YALENA
Yes.
PRECIOUS
Do you?!
YALENA
Yes!
PRECIOUS
Okay, I’ll tell you!
PRECIOUS
I have a finger bone necklace.
She has four.
I have a griffin pelt coat.
Her's are minotaur.
I can crush a human head
In my hairy hands.
She can do the same thing
But not stain her pants.
I'm sick and tired of Morline
Stealing all my boyfriends
She's ugly and mean
A man troll's dream.
STEVE
She's a-
HEBE
-tramp. She's full of-
STEVE
-crap. She's a-
HEBE
-teaser. She's a-
STEVE
-pleaser.
STEVE
When we see her walking by
We want to punch her lights out
And rip out her spine.
HEBE
When we see her walking by
We want to punch her lights out
And rip out her spine.
PRECIOUS
I wish she would die.
YALENA
Don't worry about Morline
She is nothing new.
Your man is only confused
His parents don't know what's best
Follow your huge heart.
Come out and say you love him
Don't you fall apart.
No one can say how to feel
You love when you're fated to
All your pain will heal
Stop feeling blue.
HEBE
You're a-
STEVE
-catch. You're a-
HEBE
-keeper. You're the-
STEVE
-best. He really-
HEBE
-needs you.
HEBE
Never give up on your guy
Morline can think she has him
But we know just why
STEVE
Never give up on your guy
Morline can think she has him
But we know just why
PRECIOUS
He's only mine.
PRECIOUS
So...ignoring the song, you really think Snotter will come back to me?
YALENA
If you...his name is Snotter? If you tell him how you feel, I don't see how he can say no.
Beat.
PRECIOUS stands up and hugs YALENA
PRECIOUS
Thank you.
YALENA
You're very welcome. Are you going to let us live now?
PRECIOUS
I guess.
DORIS
Yes!
HEBE
No!
STEVE
No!
EUNO
I was never worried.
PRECIOUS
Get out before I eat you.
DORIS starts to leave.
YALENA
Wait.
PRECIOUS
Yes?
YALENA
I need the Enchanted Damascus Sword the Monkey Twins stole from us.
HEBE
No!
STEVE
It's ours!
PRECIOUS
You can have it.
HEBE
What?
STEVE
Why?
PRECIOUS
[to HEBE and STEVE] Because you're driving me insane! "It's mine", "No, it's mine." Now it's no one's. Happy?
HEBE
No.
STEVE
No.
PRECIOUS
Tough.
Beat.
PRECIOUS (CONT.)
(to YALENA) I wasn't kidding about the 'eating you' thing.
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS crowd around near the exit.
YALENA
Now that we have the sword, we can finally save Prince Cosmo.
EUNO
We better. I know the ending to this story, and I'm getting a
nxious.
DORIS
Let's get out of here, man.
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS exit.
HEBE
Unfair!
STEVE
Unfair!
HEBE
It was-
STEVE
-Ours! All-
HEBE
-Ours!
PRECIOUS knocks HEBE and STEVE's heads together and THEY pass out.
PRECIOUS
I said shut up!
Beat.
PRECIOUS (CONT.)
I wonder what monkey stew tastes like.
END ACT I, SCENE V
ACT I, SCENE VI
MASTIDIA's house. It is damp, muggy, and all sorts of unpleasantness perfect for growing mold and bacteria. There is a main door and another door to the magical ingredients storage.
COSMO is sitting patiently in a very large cauldron, and MASTIDIA nearby in deep thought.
MASTIDIA
So...under ye new form of government, I'd petition the ruling of the council of elected representatives, and if I obtained a pre-determined number of signatures on said petition, there'd be a new bill to vote on. If these representatives-