Actor: the Unsung Greek Hero, Page 2
Justin Blasdel
DEION
Sure.
ACTOR hugs DEION.
DEION
I really wish you wouldn’t hug me. [half-beat] And when you fail--
ACTOR
If I fail.
DEION
If you fail, you can always go live with your mother and that asshole Sokerts. I'm sure he'll love your need to prove everyone wrong about everything.
ACTOR
Thank you, Dad. You won't regret this.
DEION
I'm pretty sure I will, but at least this mistake is one I’ll see coming. Not like that bald-headed, fat "philosopher" and his posse of high-class idiots. You know, one day he's going to piss off the wrong person, and when that happens, you can bet your sweet--
ACTOR
Sorry, dad, but I have to go. I'll send you postcards!
DEION
Please don't.
ACTOR
Goodbye!
DEION exits. ACTOR, aside to audience.
ACTOR
And so it began. Well, not the exact way I wanted it to. You heard my dad say he had connections in the Hero Union, right? That wasn't entirely true. He did have connections. Just not the right ones.
ACTOR puts the crown into the bag.
The place is not nearly as grand as ACTOR had imagined it. The walls are cracked, the floor is dirty, and there's some unusual smell that you can't quite put your finger on...its molded cheese! ACTOR looks around.
ACTOR
This is not what I had in mind for the Hero Union. I expected something a little less...”feels like a sewer” atmosphere.
FERGUS enters. HE is an overweight, ill-tempered desk accountant who is simply waiting for the day HE finally dies by natural causes. FERGUS sits on the other side of the table and writes on HIS forms.
FERGUS
What were you expecting? The Parthenon?
ACTOR
No, not that. I just dont--
FERGUS
Sit down!
ACTOR
Okay.
ACTOR sits down.
FERGUS
Name?
ACTOR
What?
FERGUS
Your name? What is it?
ACTOR
Ohhh, my name. I thought you wanted me to guess your name. [half-beat] Never mind. Bad joke.
Beat.
FERGUS
Name?!
ACTOR
It's Actor. Actor.
FERGUS
Not previous occupation. Name.
ACTOR
My name is Actor.
FERGUS
Really? You had some cruel parents, son.
ACTOR
Actually, it's a traditional family name--
FERGUS
Occupation?
ACTOR
I..don't know. I guess prince. My father's King of Phocus. I'd be king too one day, but I have like five illegitimate brothers before me, so I'd have to kill them all before I'd be king, and I have no idea where they all are, and it's just too big a problem to deal with. You know what I'm saying?
Beat.
FERGUS
[Writing; to HIMSELF] Occupation...Comedian.
ACTOR
No, I said--
FERGUS
Comedian!
ACTOR
Okay. I'm good with that.
FERGUS
So, Actor the Comedian, why do you want to be a sidekick?
ACTOR
I don't.
FERGUS
You don't?
ACTOR
No. I want to be a hero.
FERGUS
You? A hero? [snorts] You are a comedian.
ACTOR
I'm telling the truth.
FERGUS
You can't be a hero right away. You have to go through the proper procedures, training colleges, and accreditations. And before all of that, you have to be a sidekick.
ACTOR
Is this not the Hero Union building?
FERGUS
No. It's the Sidekick Alliance Guild.
ACTOR
You mean SAG?
FERGUS
That's what I said.
ACTOR, aside to the audience, shakes HIS head as if to say, “Really?”
ACTOR
Sooooo...what do I have to have in order to be a sidekick?
FERGUS
Nothing.
ACTOR
Oh, good. I already have nothing.
FERGUS
But it helps if you have special talents.
ACTOR
Like what?
FERGUS
I don't know, kid. Are you good with a sword or something?
ACTOR
I'm a wizard when it comes to finding the perfect light angles for an atrium.
Beat.
FERGUS
Can I be honest with you?
ACTOR
Have you been lying to me so far? [half-beat] Sorry, another bad joke. I'm nervous.
FERGUS
You look like the kind of guy who'll fall on his sword ten minutes after you walk out that door. In fact, I'm thinking of putting a bet on that. Us guys at the office have a pool for guys like you. It's called the "Holding an Egg over a Frying Pan" pool. You get what I'm saying?
ACTOR
Look, I want to be a hero. I don't want to be anything else, but if I have to be a sidekick to do it, then that's what I'll do.
FERGUS looks through HIS papers.
FERGUS
Okay. If you really, really want to be in this business, I got a call for new hires. Jason's got this boat called the Argos, and he needs a bunch of men to help him get the Golden Fleece or Silver Pig Skin or something like that. And you'd---
ACTOR
The Jason? The Jason?! When everyone sees me fight beside Jason, they'll have no choice but accept me as a hero. This is great! This is wonderful! I'll be the greatest, strongest, fastest warrior in the entire continent of--
FERGUS
You'll be the cook.
ACTOR
The what?
FERGUS
The cook.
ACTOR
As in the “Cooker of Monsters”?
FERGUS
As in the “Cooker of Fish”. Look, every boat needs a cook, and I don't think those little twig arms you got can row worth a damn. So, you get to be the cook.
ACTOR
Okay. I guess. I mean, at least I'll be on the same boat with Jason. That's something. Is there anything else I can be? Are there any other jobs they need filled?
FERGUS
It says that they need some shark bait.
Beat.
ACTOR
Cook it is, then.
FERGUS
Wonderful. Congratulations. I really feel this is the life for you. Now, sign here. [ACTOR signs] And here. [ACTOR signs] And here. [ACTOR signs].
ACTOR
What'd I just sign?
FERGUS
Legal documents saying we're not responsible if you get maimed or killed or eaten. The normal stuff.
ACTOR
[a little scared] Yay.
FERGUS
Actor, you are now a sidekick. I’m your case worker Fergus, and I—
ACTOR
Hello, Mr. Fergus.
FERGUS
Hello. Like I was saying, I’m your case worker from now on, and I pray to Zeus for your safe return.
FERGUS salutes ACTOR, who salutes HIM back. ACTOR leaves.
FERGUS
[to the back] Hey, Orthrus, put me down for twenty drachma on the new kid for two hours. I have a good feeling about this one.
FERGUS exits, and ACTOR returns. ACTOR, aside to audience.
ACTOR
So, not a hero right away. A little disappointing, but hey, foot in the door, right? Everyone’s gotta start somewhere. I…started as a cook aboard a ship full of people doomed to die
. I’m not complaining. I’m not. I mean, I was a part of the whole “Jason and the Argonauts” crew. I was an Argonaut, and that counts for something. Right? I think it does.
ACTOR gets a very small cooking pot and spoon out of his bag and sits down on one of the chairs.
We had just passed the Symplegades, or “The Clashing Rocks”, and were on our way to save the prophet Phineus, because he could tell us where to find the Golden Fleece. Why were we risking our lives for some expensive goat skin? Something about how Jason needed to prove himself a warrior to some big-headed king, I didn’t really pay attention, but I was along for the ride just the same.
HE moves as if aboard a boat, swaying back and forth. HE stirs the invisible soup in the pot.
[to random sailors] And then I said, “Sir, if you’ve got the Midas touch, then you better use it right now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m paying that much for a sack full of rotten apples, even if I was the underworld king Hades!” [laughs] Yeah, and then he started throwing them at me. I didn’t mind, because they weren’t really that rotten. So as he threw, I picked them up and rubbed off the cow crap and ate them right there in front of him. I said to him, “Who looks like the idiot now?” [laughs] Those were some tasty apples. Hey. Hey.
ACTOR nudges one of the fellow sailors.
Did I tell you the time I met the god Pan? Just saying, it’s true what they say. That guy’s packing a --
ACTOR moves as if the boat has just landed on shore.
ACTOR
Woah, we hit land already? That was a fast trip, wasn’t guys?
JASON (OS)
Be quiet!
JASON enters. JASON’s the kind of guy every guy wants to be and ever woman wants to be with. HE’s like the high school quarterback, and is just as much of a jerk too.
