You have your map for change. I have included in this book all the information and know-how that you need to conquer your social anxiety. The rest is up to you. Apply what you know. There will be roadblocks along the road to success, but you will be able to maneuver around them effectively using the skills and strategies you have learned. Rely on your PMA. Continue to nurture yourself, keeping in mind that one of the most helpful aspects of nurturing is helping yourself to confront difficulties rather than avoid them.
After following this self-help program for twenty-one days, complete the physical symptoms and recurring thought patterns profiles again.
What does your body do when you feel anxious or nervous?
Frequency
Severity
Social Life Interference
1 = Never
1 = No problem at all
1 = Not at all
2 = 2 times a month or less
2 = Minor discomfort but you can manage it
2 = A little
3 = 1 or 2 times a week
3 = Noticeably uncomfortable
3 = Moderately
4 = 3 times a week but not daily
4 = Severe
4 = Significantly
5 = 1 or more times daily
5 = Absolute panic; feels out of control
5 = Severe to the point of incapacity
a) Shortness of breath
b) Accelerated heartbeat
c) Sweating
d) Dizziness or faintness
e) Nausea or abdominal stress
f) Choking
g) Depersonalization—feeling of unreality, being “outside yourself”
h) Tingling or numbness
i) Flushes or chills
j) Voice quivering or shaking
k) Sweaty palms
l) Cold hands
m) Your mind going blank
n) Twitches, tics, or spasms
o) Lump in throat
p) Stuttering
q) Difficulty concentrating
r) Other
Total Scores:
What thoughts recur when you are anxious or nervous?
Frequency
Severity
Social Life Interference
1 = Never
1 = No problem at all
1 = Not at all
2 = 2 times a month or less
2 = Minor discomfort but you can manage it
2 = A little
3 = 1 or 2 times a week
3 = Noticeably uncomfortable
3 = Moderately
4 = 3 times a week but not daily
4 = Severe
4 = Significantly
5 = 1 or more times daily
5 = Absolute panic; feels out of control
5 = Severe to the point of incapacity
a) What will people think of me?
b) Am I good enough?
c) Am I dressed okay?
d) How do I look?
e) I’m going to embarrass myself.
f) People can tell I’m nervous.
g) People can tell what I’m thinking.
h) I’m going to lose control.
i) I’m going to have to run from the room.
j) What will I say?
k) I’m ugly.
l) If they knew me, they wouldn’t like me.
m) I always do the wrong thing.
n) They can see I’m different.
o) They can see I’m lonely.
p) They can see I don’t belong.
q) I can’t.
r) They all have more than I do.
s) I always screw up.
t) I don’t know what to say.
u) Other
Total Scores:
Now, refer back to Chapter 1, where you first used these indexes to chart your current situation. What has changed?
___________________________________________________________________________
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What would you like to improve?
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___________________________________________________________________________
What steps will you take to try to improve these categories?
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In three months, complete the profiles again. Continue to incorporate these self-help strategies into your life-style. Refer back to the book for the techniques that will enable you to make progress. When you are ready for a progress check at three months, complete the profiles below, and compare your answers at the beginning of the book with the answers 21 days into the program and your answers today.
What does your body do when you feel anxious or nervous?
Frequency
Severity
Social Life Interference
1 = Never
1 = No problem at all
1 = Not at all
2 = 2 times a month or less
2 = Minor discomfort but you can manage it
2 = A little
3 = 1 or 2 times a week
3 = Noticeably uncomfortable
3 = Moderately
4 = 3 times a week but not daily
4 = Severe
4 = Significantly
5 = 1 or more times daily
5 = Absolute panic; feels out of control
5 = Severe to the point of incapacity
a) Shortness of breath
b) Accelerated heartbeat
c) Sweating
d) Dizziness or faintness
e) Nausea or abdominal stress
f) Choking
g) Depersonalization—feeling of unreality, being “outside yourself”
h) Tingling or numbness
i) Flushes or chills
j) Voice quivering or shaking
k) Sweaty palms
l) Cold hands
m) Your mind going blank
n) Twitches, tics, or spasms
o) Lump in throat
p) Stuttering
q) Difficulty concentrating
r) Other
Total Scores:
What thoughts recur when you are anxious or nervous?
Frequency
Severity
Social Life Interference
1 = Never
1 = No problem at all
1 = Not at all
2 = 2 times a month or less
2 = Minor discomfort but you can manage it
2 = A little
3 = 1 or 2 times a week
3 = Noticeably uncomfortable
3 = Moderately
4 = 3 times a week but not daily
4 = Severe
4 = Significantly
5 = 1 or more times daily
5 = Absolute panic; feels out of control
5 = Severe to the point of incapacity
a) What will people think of me?
b) Am I good enough?
c) Am I dressed okay?
d) How do I look?
e) I’m going to embarrass myself.
f) People can tell I’m nervous.
g) People can tell what I’m thinking.
h) I’m going to lose control.
i) I’m going to have to run from the room.
j) What will I say?
k) I’m ugly.
l) If they knew me, they wouldn’t like me.
m) I always do the wrong thing.
n) They can see I’m different.
o) They can see I’m lonely.
p) They can see I don’t belong.
q) I can’t.
r) They all have more than I do.
s) I always screw up.
t) I don’t know what to say.
u) Other
Total Scores:
What has changed?
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_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What would you like to improve?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What steps will you take to try to improve these categories?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
By now, you are aware of the ways in which your past social experience has shaped your social self. And you have completed a number of personality profiles to help you to understand what your present situation is. You’ve set some short- and long-term goals to work toward. Let’s take a moment now to look into the distant future.
What do you want your life to be like five years from now?
1. Where do you expect to be living?
2. With whom?
3. How much money will you be making?
4. What will your social life be like?
5. What kind of work will you be doing?
6. What will you be doing for fun and enjoyment?
7. If you don’t control your social anxiety, will you be able to reach these goals?
You can reach these goals if you take responsibility for controlling your anxiety.
When Adam, the anxiety-prone student I introduced you to in Chapter 1, was sixteen, he would spend his free time in his room, playing a home computer baseball game. He had no friends. He stopped going to school. He didn’t know there was any other way to live. His anxiety was controlling him. But Adam was able to regain control, and he eventually graduated from high school and went on to college, where he made many friends of both sexes. Today, not only does he have a steady girlfriend, but he is pursuing a Ph.D. in computer sciences. And most important, the anxious, miserably unhappy sixteen-year-old is now an outgoing, well-adjusted, and happy twenty-one-year-old. It can be done!
Charlie, from Chapter 2, who had been interested in the “hot” young woman with the sports car, eventually developed realistic social expectations. By working on his interactive ability, Charlie developed a higher opinion of himself as a companion. With increased confidence, he was able to venture into the social world. As his self-esteem increased, he started to make more of an effort with his appearance. In time, he was able to develop dating relationships with several women. Career success followed, too, and he is now a fulfilled, productive person.
There are countless examples of individuals of all ages with varying levels of problems who are able to make improvements big and small that lead them forward on the path to self-actualization. Remember, 85 percent of people I surveyed who at one time thought change was not possible now believe it is!
The point is, you are capable of change! Life is what you make of it! Use this self-help program to make it all you want it to be. Don’t spend your life waiting for your luck to change. Make your own good luck by changing the way you respond. Go for it! The rewards are immeasurable.
Index
acquaintances, 36, 37
friends vs., 169–70, 172–73
addiction, 50–51, 248
drug, 240
adolescents, 260, 262
avoidance by, 64–66
dependency of, 53
self-image of, 64
social ability of, 48
adrenaline, 14, 15
“Adult,” as component of personality, 119–22, 167, 183, 212, 256
adults:
avoidance by, 66–67
dependency of, 53
social ability of, 48
agoraphobia, 90–91
alcohol, 128, 238, 240, 260–61
alienation, 264–66
anger:
depression and, 262
expression of, 159–61
answering machines, 76, 169
anxiety, symptoms of, 9–10, 18–19, 107–9, 119, 122–23, 270
blushing or sweating as, 140–41
case studies of, 22–28
frequency of, 20, 23, 24
identification of, 17, 31
interference by, 20–21, 23, 24
mental, 24, 25–26
physical, 13–16, 18, 20, 23
ranking of, 20–22, 23, 24
severity of, 20, 23, 24 see also social anxiety
anxiety attacks, see panic attacks
appearance, physical, 40–41, 44
in job interviews, 222–23, 226–27
self-esteem and, 80
art therapy, 252
assertiveness training, 253
autonomic nervous system, 15
behavior:
acting-out, 109
conditioning of, 12
controlling, 60–61
dependence and, 69–74
enabling, 50–52, 61, 71, 106, 257
nurturing, 60, 109–10
obsessive-compulsive, 10, 27, 28, 89
overprotective, 149, 257
rehearsal of, 136–37, 221, 222–23
rescuing, 51, 60, 61
reversal of, 97–98
social consequences of, 167–68
in social interaction, 33
biofeedback, 125, 128–29, 175, 227
biological depression, 262
blame, 159
blushing, 140, 141, 184
body language, 174–80, 188, 190, 193, 195, 205, 227–28
book clubs, 236, 238
boredom, 176–77
breathing, diaphragmatic, 126–27, 132, 133, 134, 185, 221, 222
“burnt out” stress, 224
careers:
communication skills in, 226–29
competition in, 212–13, 265–66
dependence and, 54
goals for, 9, 99, 115–16, 211
imagery exercise for, 210–14
possibilities for, 211–13
problem solving in, 214, 215–16
self-esteem and, 79, 209
social anxiety and, 213–14, 234
successful, 209–10, 214, 275
time for, 142
transactional analysis and, 120–22
centering techniques, 221
“Child,” as component of personality, 109, 119–22
children:
avoidance by, 61–64, 70–71, 102–5
elective mutism in, 259
gifted, 104
role playing by, 163–64
social ability of, 48–49
social anxiety in, 259, 262, 263
socialization of, 33–34, 147, 171
cities, 264–66
closeness, physical, 179–80
clubs, 32, 236
coaching, internal, 138–39, 222
communication:
emotional, 30, 61–62, 63,
108, 159–61, 242
skills for, 12–13, 224, 225–29
social anxiety and, 223
in workplace, 224, 225–29
compliments, 188, 190
computers, 260, 275
conversation, 17, 44
change of topics in, 189–90
closing of, 195–96
compliments in, 188, 190
in dating, 204–5
“don’ts” for, 194–95
“edges” of, 233–34
empathy in, 193
eye contact in, 174, 177–78, 180, 233
follow-up on, 195, 196–97
guidelines for, 186–96
humor in, 192–93
as information exchange, 188–89
intimacy in, 188, 194–95
listening in, 188, 192
maintenance of, 190–91
nonverbal, 174–80, 188, 190, 193, 195
opinions in, 187, 194
physical closeness in, 179–80
questions in, 181, 187
starting of, 186–87
timing in, 194
tone of voice in, 174
topics of, 187–88 see also telephone conversations
dating, 10, 41
body language in, 174, 179–80, 205
case studies of, 167–70, 171, 174, 179, 242, 245–46, 275
conversation in, 204–5
denial and, 57, 58
dependence and, 243–44
expectations in, 169, 171, 242, 243, 244, 245, 247
free play in, 171, 243
handicaps and, 244
honesty in, 247, 248
imagery exercise for, 208
interactive chemistry in, 166–70, 205
interactive skills for, 198, 275
party lines for, 248–49, 260
personal ads and, 245–47
physical closeness in, 179–80
rejection in, 167–70, 244, 247
role playing and, 165
self-esteem and, 78–79
services for, 242–44
telephone conversations and, 169, 244
in workplace, 205–7
defense mechanisms, 72
denial, 38, 41, 99, 106–7
dependence and, 57–59, 69, 70
friendship and, 58–59
by parents, 50
social anxiety and, 256–57