No Sense And Nonsense, Page 2
Jonathan Antony Strickland
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
I know what when nor where
But if where was when
And when was where
Then that be neither here nor there
They call me Sandy Mudflaps
What's that? That’s not my name!
My name be Randy
You daft foppish Dandy
So cut it out, for your mockery be lame
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
And everything you have ever read is untrue
Except this one statement
I found scribbled on a wall in Gods basement
It read “Remember, all cows should eat grass and go Moo!!!”
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
You should never feed me after midnight
But unlike a gremlin
I be completely without sin
It’s just that it makes me burp, fart and shite
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
My arch enemy is a low down stinking dirty rat
He also hates a guy called Borris Pranger
Who’s apparently a shit-hot Morris-dancer
So technically that means that the enemy of my enemy is a twat!
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
Though I be no malicious Jack the Ripper
In fact I once flashed a whore
But as I did I heard the sirens of the law
And panicked, catching my thingy in my zipper
(NOT NICE!)
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
At last the penultimate verse
It endeth soon
This awful tune
A rhyme so crap that I curse
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
Hold on, hold on…I urge
There’s been a mistake
A penultimate fake
For we carry on with this bloody horrible dirge
They call me Randy Stodgeflaps
And in a way I am glad there is more to be penned
For I have an important thing to say
Upon this dark sullen day
And that is_OH BUGGER, this cannot be_
THE END!
..........
Riddle 5
By: Milthy Swinebuckle
I smell of armpits
Hold my stance like a log
I taste of turnips
And bark like a dog
You should not fight me
Even though I be weak
For what we are about to receive
Is not of what I speak
I stir yellow custard
While waxing my legs
Even though I remain unspoken
I still remember every word I have said
Let terror walk within me
Let death become my soul
Let me drown between twin mountains of flesh
Let me not grow gray and old
And so concludes this riddle
Can you unravel what I see
If you have indeed managed to work it out
Then you’re a better man than me
What is it that I talk of?
ANSWER
(Uifsf jt op botxfs. Jn kvtu tbmljoh cpmmjdlt…ib ib)
..........
And Now for Some of My Quotes!
by: Jonathan Antony Strickland
When your down, your down.
But, when you're up....then you should always keep an eye out for that unexpected kick in the balls that can unnervingly strike at any time.
At least, that's what the drunken man in the mirror told me anyway!
....................
Shit fuck arse bastard bollocks! Bumwipes ninnyhammers stodgy-sniffers crack-plasterers toe-rags! Boobs bums balls bottoms breasts!
And finally I just like to finish with: Farts whiffy-bits stinkers itchy-mongers and crap-pots!
Because sometimes it just needs to be said!
....................
We shouldn't eat meat....blah....blah....blah. Meat is murder....blah bloody blah. WHAT ABOUT THE POOR FORGOTTEN VEGETABLES. WHO GIVES THEM A SECOND THOUGHT. So spare a thought this Christmas, and save a sprout.
....................
Look to the left and apparently you'll see red....Look to the right and apparently you'll see blue...I'm not sure if these two statements are true but the one thing I have learned in my forty years is that if you look down the toilet after eating a particularly nasty curry the night before, then you'll see every politician that this land has to offer!
....................
A step in the right direction can still be the death of an ant....
....................
My only reply to said deity being........shit, arse, fuck, twat, arse shit, bollicks, balls, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucck....fuck....fucking....fuckkkkinggg hellllll...shit, arse and bollicks!.....Please let me into heaven when I eventually pop my clogs....I'm only an atheist shithead because I know you don't exist...but apart from that.....?
( I kind of remember writing this...but I couldn't remember what I'd actually said! Now that I've re-read it I can only conclude that all the greatest prophets throughout history have been nothing but a bunch of slimeball piss-artists like myself and every other wine-guzzling, beer-downing, turps drinking deadbeat...In other words, come Monday, I'm heading straight down the jobcentre to see what prophesying jobs are currently being advertised.)
....................
Which one of you filthy swines just farted?
....................
I know my writing does not follow with the recent wave of erotic fiction that has sprung up, so to make it more appealing to that type of reader I shall have to lie a little about its contents and claim it’s a lot like Fifty Shades of Gray but with extra cocks!!!
....................
You know that poem "if", what a load of crap! Kipling got it wrong! What he should have said was "If you can portray the idea's you get to a sober man (no matter how shit those ideas may be), and keep a straight face. Then you'll be a man MA SON!
....................
I be the king of the idiot's ma lad. Thick as a picture and as pretty as a plank....that's me........Aw wait a minute that should have been as pretty as a picture and as......AH what the fuck! If the shit fits wear it!
....................
HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!
....................
YUM YUM....cheese and onion flavour.... NNNNNNNIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCEEEEEE!!!!!
....................
It's official.....Ikki The Ball-stotter has shagged your wife!
....................
A joint, a joint....my kingdom for a joint!
....................
As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on their looks, sex, race or beliefs. There are only two types of people:
1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with their lives and not bother anybody else.
2_The preachers, the arsholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.
