Everyday Psychopaths, Page 3

Beads of sweat formed on Jasper’s forehead. He was in for his yearly development talk and scared to death to be alone in a small room with his manager, Stephen. Stephen was a psychopath with a split personality who liked to talk in a derogatory voice. Like he spoke to a ten-year old girl and not full-grown men with families. Jasper was sure the upcoming meeting wasn’t going to be any different.

  Not that he had done anything wrong. He had never stolen as much as a paperclip, never been late for work, never screwed up on a task and never uttered a derogatory comment towards a co-worker. He was a spotless employee. But that didn’t mean Stephen saw things the same way. Since the perfectly combed bastard started working there a little less than a year ago, he had scared people shitless with his sudden outbursts, lingering stares, quick and silly team exercises and uncomfortable jokes. He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.

  Nobody liked him.

  The meeting room was, like all meeting rooms except for possibly Google’s, very sparse and dull. Office furniture left no space for imagination and to Jasper the surroundings looked as cold as Stephen’s heart. Stephen on the other hand looked neat in his white shirt and dark blue tie. He was a good-looking psychopath (yes, the world was evil sometimes).

  “Please sit down,” Stephen said with a grin on his face and pointed to an empty chair opposite him.

  Jasper sat down without saying anything. In his hands he held the documentation they were supposed to fill out. Five pages on different job-related things, self-assessment exercises with points for different traits in their characters, descriptions of typical work tasks and other annoying questions. Jasper felt like he was back in school, doing a test and almost having an anxiety attack for not having studied properly. He was never good with being under pressure - stable performance had been his motto through life and he didn’t think it would ever change, no matter how many motivational exercises and team-building events he was forced to do.

  “How are you, Jasper?” A formal courtesy question that had nothing to do with how Jasper felt. It was the icebreaker, but with guys like Stephen the ice was never going to be broken, so why kid ourselves, thought Jasper.

  “I’m fine, I guess.” Jasper tried to find a more comfortable position in his chair. He couldn’t. Whoever constructed office chairs must have had the cunning idea not to make employees too comfortable. He was sure it had something to do with efficiency graphs and painful research on the slouching tendencies of the human mind.

  “How’s family? How’s the kids?” More polite inquiries, more empty phrases. Stephen must have had this on a template somewhere or maybe it was in the book “Empathy for Dummies.”

  “They’re dead,” Jasper felt like saying. But he never said what he felt, so instead he said, “All good.” Going into his wife’s swollen toe or his daughters excellent results in the latest math test, wouldn’t change things at this stage.

  “That’s swell,” said Stephen in a voice that belonged to someone who didn’t care. He gave Jasper a look of...yes what was that look? Amusement, malice or constipation? Jasper pictured his manager breaking out into evil movie villain laughter as soon as he left the room.

  If he would ever leave the room.

  Stephen’s weird look formed into a question, “So...” Stephen said, “What did you learn about yourself doing this exercise?”

  This was the first blow to Jasper. What did he learn about himself? That he despised all kinds of made-up office bullshit taking up important working hours and making everyone feeling like they were 14 again and had been caught smoking on the periphery of the school playground? That he sometimes would rather clean toilet seats with his tongue than work in an office, just NOT to do these things? That he hated being forced to talk in front of other people and write reports full of mumbo jumbo, when he was actually hired to write code? That he was so uncomfortable around his manager he thought of stabbing him with his ballpoint pen?

  He couldn’t say that could he? Or could he?

  “I learned about some strengths and weaknesses I have,” he forced out. It felt like squeezing an inflamed pimple.

  Stephen looked concerned. Maybe he was also thinking that Jasper was more suited to cleaning toilet seats. Had he answered the question wrong? Was there a wrong answer? Or even a right one?

  “Okay....” Stephen said, like Jasper had just said the stupidest thing. “What would you say is your major strength?”

  Jasper gritted his teeth. Major strength? He was good at typing clean and functional code. Was that what the jerk meant?

  “I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to my work,” Jasper said, happy to have found a decent-sounding answer.

  “A perfectionist,” Stephen repeated. On his lips the word seemed to taste of excrement.

  “Yes, I mean it’s important for me to write clean and functional code. I take pride in it.” Jasper felt his confidence was increasing. He had now said two sentences that made sense and should have been to Stephen’s liking.

  Stephen was making some notes and then looked up at Jasper again. “And what would you say is your biggest flaw?”

  Hmm...that one was hard. For doing what the job required, Jasper felt he didn’t have many flaws. He was a solid performer.

  “I don’t know. I don’t like typing reports, I guess.”

  “So you would say your biggest weakness is typing reports?”

  “Yes, I think so.”

  Stephen’s reply came back like a thorny boomerang, “You wouldn’t say you’re a bit of an anti-social person?”

  Anti-social? What was this about? Jasper felt attacked and started to perspire again, this time areas like armpits, scrotum and hands were particularly affected.

  Not waiting for Jasper to reply, Stephen continued. “Everybody knows you’re not the best team player and I’m a bit concerned you didn’t write it down for this exercise.”

  Team player? But I’m not even on a team! Jasper thought to himself. Ninety percent of the time he was on his own, working away, listening to the Grateful Dead. He realized right now he would gratefully have been dead.

  “I don’t really know what you mean?”

  “As you know it’s very important for me that we are a team here. We spend eight hours a day together or more and we need to create this superglue that tie us together and to be frank with you, you’re not helping in this respect. Your commitment and dedication to team events and team-building exercises is pretty much zero. Most of the day you’re sitting there with your headphones on, typing away. Having someone like that breaks the spirit of the team. We need to work together!” Stephen was suddenly animated and worked-up and his previously relatively pleasant tone had gone up a few decibels.

  “But don’t you think I do good work?”

  Stephen was now standing up, leaning his hands on his chair like it was the only way to contain himself. “Yes, you do good work. You are very good at what you do. But in this company, in my team, we look for people who are great. At everything they do! Who commit themselves a hundred percent to the cause! Who come in here with a smile on their face every day and spread a positive energy around!”

  Jasper had feared this meeting, but he didn’t think it would turn this bad and fast. Okay, so he wasn’t interested in getting to know everyone he worked with and he didn’t like saying things he didn’t mean, just to be nice. He came here to support his family and get a paycheck. He took pride in what he did and never screwed up. Apparently, this wasn’t enough. Not since Stephen had joined the boat.

  “I guess I’m just not like that. I prefer focusing on work.” Jasper felt he was sinking through the ground and his voice got lower and lower until he almost sounded like a scared mouse. He wished he had the guts to stand up to bullies like Stephen, but he had never needed them before. He had gotten by fine on his skills.

  “But this is it! Work is also taking part in these things! In being a team player! You can’t just sit there and type and think it’s the only thing require
d of you. You need to come out of your shell!”

  “I can try to be more social, if that’s what you want.” Jasper said and hated himself for it. He was so weak when it came to standing up to people who approved his payroll every month.

  Stephen looked away, disgusted. He took a few steps to the other side of the room and looked to be contemplating things a great deal. Like he was in agony over something.

  Suddenly he sat down again, “You know, this is like an adhesive, no need to linger.”

  Linger? What was he on about? Jasper was becoming more and more confused by Stephen’s behavior. Something was stranger than usual.

  “There is no easy way to say this, but I think it’s simply a good solution for all if we decided to part ways. You know what kind of team I want to build and in my vision you’re kind of like a square-shape fitting into a circle. You’re great in your own way, but I think you can unleash your true potential somewhere else.”

  Jasper felt a sudden sickness in his stomach, like he was about to throw up. “What are you talking about?” he said, “Are you firing me?”

  Stephen looked slightly inconvenienced by this, but soon got back into his stride, “I wouldn’t say we’re letting you go, I would like to say we’re letting you move on. I simply propose a better solution. For you and the company. And we’re going to give you the chance to find new possibilities in a nice way. You only need to work one month instead of the expected two while we look for a replacement, it’s a win-win for everyone.”

  Stephen smiled while Jasper tried to hold back his lunch. He had not felt good about this meeting beforehand, but he could never have imagined being fired! He had a family! Two children to support! And bills to pay! His wife was a schoolteacher and couldn’t support the whole family while he tried to find a new job. This was not a win-win, this was a big and damning LOSE!

  “I...” he stuttered.

  “I had the feeling you don’t like it much here anyway, maybe you will find more like-minded people in another company, in another setting? I’m sure it won’t be hard for you to find another job.”

  “But...I’ve been here for eight years!” Finally Jasper found his voice again. He didn’t feel sick anymore, he felt like attacking Stephen with a blunt object.

  “Yes, I know you’re one of the veterans here. But, as you know, the dinosaurs were around for a helluva long time, but they still died.” Stephen chuckled about what he thought was a clever comment.

  “But you can’t just fire someone like this? I have never failed at my work tasks, never missed a deadline, never been late for work. I don’t see what grounds you’re firing me on.”

  Stephen seemed both disappointed and surprised at this attempt of defense, “I’m not firing you. I’m letting you go, there’s an important distinction. This might be a shock or strike you as unfair, but you know it’s what you really want. You don’t want to struggle to fit in here anymore. You have shown this clearly and now I’m giving you the chance to find something you truly want to be a part of.”

  “You’re not even giving me a warning? It’s just, this is it, all of a sudden?” Now Jasper felt like crying, his energy slowly seeping out of him.

  “Since this is kind of an inevitable end, I don’t see why we need to drag it out. Like I said, you’re a box in a circle. You’re a good developer, but not the star player we’re looking for. It’s as simple as that.” Stephen was starting to get annoyed with the stubborn denial his opponent provided. There was only one winner in this kind of meeting, so he wished Jasper would just lie down and die already. Which meant sign the paper and leave. He had better things to do than to sit in a meeting with a guy who couldn’t see himself in the mirror and say: “It’s time.” People showed very little self-awareness these days, he thought to himself.

  “So...” Jasper said with a quivering lip. The walls of the office were white, but seemed black and closing in on him. He was having problems breathing. “What happens next?”

  “Formalities,” Stephen said and tried to keep a cheerful tone. “I have a paper that I want you to sign. If you want to read it thoroughly first, that’s fine. Just leave it on my desk when you’re ready.”

  Stephen slid a paper across the meeting room table. It was full of letters, but the combination that caught Jasper’s attention was “Termination.” It was such an apt word and captured the essence of what was happening to him wonderfully.

  Stephen rose from the table and stretched out his hand, “Believe me, this was not an easy decision, but like I said, I’m sure it will be beneficial to both parties. We will give you a good send-off on your last week of work, but for now a handshake.” He gave Jasper his friendliest smile and showed a lot of sharp teeth.

  To Jasper the room was suddenly spinning. He didn’t know if his legs would carry him. He rose slowly from his chair and stretched out a sweaty and cold hand towards Stephen. They shook, briefly.

  He took a few steps towards the door and grabbed the handle before something hit him like a thunderbolt.

  It was anger. A tsunami of fury swept through him and instead of turning the handle and opening the door, he turned around. Stephen wore a surprised look on his face.

  “You know what?” Jasper said, “I would like a few more minutes of your time.”

  Stephen didn’t like the look in Jasper’s face. It said C-R-A-Z-Y and he had seen it before upon firing people. People were inherently fucked up and needed a firm hand, he had discovered.

  “Sit down,” Jasper said, his voice now controlled by something deep inside of him. He didn’t recognize it, but he was paralyzed and just had to watch what this other self was going to say.

  Stephen looked at his watch, “You know, I have ten minutes before another meeting, so great if you can make it brief.”

  “Sure,” Jasper said, a malicious twinkle in his eyes. Gone were the fear, anxiety and nausea and left was only hatred for the person in front of him.

  “You know people think you’re a psychopath, don’t you?” Jasper said.

  “What? What are you on about?” Suddenly, Stephen seemed a little bit off track.

  “People talk behind your back all the time. They think you’re a man without emotions, a phony. Ever since you came here last year with your perfect haircut and your shiny teeth, your fake voice and your so called team-building exercises, everybody longed for the day when you would be gone. Because nobody really likes shit like that! Nobody likes complicated talks with weird Freudian questions, bullshit meetings, adult games with the only goal of making people feel like five again so they would be easier to boss around. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not the girl scouts, we’re a company and our purpose is to make money. How do we make money? We sell software to our clients. They don’t care how much of a team we are, they just want a good product.”

  Stephen seemed keen on interrupting, but Jasper waved him off and kept talking.

  “Would I be a better programmer if I completed your self-assessment sheets? No. Would I care more about the company’s welfare if I stood in a circle and recited some corporate vision over and over again? No. Neither would pretty much anyone else here! You should listen to what they say about you and your little games during the coffee breaks. But maybe you’re too full of yourself to hear what is actually going on, maybe you just like to hang out in your little bubble and be Mr. Manager. Or Mini-Hitler, which is what some people call you! You think all your little get-togethers with your make everyone into company-loving team players? No fucking way. They just make us all hate you a teeny bit more every single time.”

  “All we want to do is come here, do good work, drink decent coffee, small-talk with non-psychopath work mates, get a paycheck and go home to our families. That’s all we want to do. Don’t you have a family to go home to? Is that it? Is that the problem? Because there’s obviously some kind of fucking problem!”

  Jasper felt his blood rushing, boiling, spilling over. His hands were shaking from the outburst, none of which he had
ever experienced before in his life. He was suddenly drained of energy.

  He looked over at Stephen, whose eyes had gone almost transparent. The silence that filled the room was suffocating and the tension pounded through the walls, but Stephen sat silent, lost, speechless.

  Jasper just stood there, still shaking. Had he gone too far? Maybe. At this point he couldn’t care. But he couldn’t stay there and wait to be escorted from the building either, after all he still held the termination paper in his hand, he was still fired. Nothing had changed. He gave Stephen one last glance, opened the door and left the room.

  He went to his desk and turned off his computer. His desk mates were oblivious to what he was doing, they all had headphones on and seemed to be studying their computer screens with their usually intense stares.

  Jasper didn’t want to call attention to himself by saying goodbye to people, so he just took his bag, his car keys and left the building.

  When he reached the parking lot he looked at his car, the six-seater he had bought when his second daughter Ella had been born, and made up his mind to leave it there for today. Instead he was going to take a long and refreshing walk home. It didn’t look like it was going to rain, in fact the sun was just behind a cloud and the wind was pushing it ever so slightly.

  He suddenly noticed how light his feet were, like he had lost a lot of weight. Maybe he had, because it had been a very tiresome day. Still, in a way, he felt more energized than he had in a long time.

  And the sun peeked out from the clouds.

  THE END.

  ***

  THE WORST/BEST DAY OF MY LIFE