Operation Earthworm, Page 3

paper hanger.

  The subterranean creep throws a fit and belts me with four fists."Dummkopf!" it says, and then I really get scared as he has got a lop ofhair falling down over one eye and has a black mustache the size of aVenutian four centra stamp over his mouth which is like that of apouting goldfish.

  I get to my feet and grab for a railing, and I see Wurpz and Zahooliheld by two other monsters that look more like beetles than the onestanding beside me.

  "Zo!" the creep with the mustache says. "It is a surprise I talkUniversa? We have radar and telepathometers that give us everything thatis said in the upper world."

  I think back and try not to. In the hermetically sealed cylinder backupstairs among my Americana Spink I have some photographs, Circa 1945.One is of a citizen of old Nazi Germany who was supposed to havecremated himself in a bunker. Papers there record that my forebear,Cyril Spink, had his doubts at the time.

  "I am the Neofeuhrer, Earthman," this creep says. "I will conquer theuniverse."

  "Look," I says, pawing beads of sweat as big as the creep's eyes from mybrow, "have you been testin' atom bombs and worse down here?"

  "Jar."

  "There, I knew Professor Zalpha was off the beam," I yelp at Wurpz."This is what is causin' the earthquakes."

  "Come, schwine," the creep says. "I will show you something. The tomb ofmy ancestor. Then to the museum to show you how he arrived in Subterroin the year 1945. This is the city of Adolfus. Mach schnell! HeilHitler. I am Agrodyte Hitler, grandson of the Liberator."

  The short hairs on the back of my neck start crawling down my spine. Weleave the Mole and walk along a big square paved with a mineral we neversaw upstairs. Thousands of inhabitants of Subterro hiss at us and clicktheir long black fingers. We walk up a long flight of steps and come toa cadaver memorial and on the front there are big letters and numeralsin what looks like bloodstone that says: ADOLPH HITLER. 1981.

  "Jar, Earthmen, mortal enemies of Subterro's hero, you thought he didnot escape, hah? Come, we go to the museum."

  We do. In a glass case is an antique U-boat. "I can't believe it," Isays to Zahooli.

  "Neither do I. We never took off. They have us locked up in the boobyhatch in Metropolita. We went nuts."

  "He escaped in a submarine, bringing three of Nazi Germany's smartestscientists with him. He brought plans showing us he could split theatom. He brought working models." The creep laughs mockingly. "We havecertain elements down here also. Puranium, better than your uranium.And pitchblende Plus Nine. It will power our fleet of submarines thatwill conquer Earth. It is nearly der tag! We will leave through theunderground river that our benefactor found three miles below thesurface of the ocean near Brazil. It spirals down through this earth andempties into Lake Schicklegruber eighty miles from here."

  "And Hitler took one of those Subterro dames as a mate, huh," I says."It figures. He was not human himself."

  I get another cuffing around but I am too punchy already to feelanything. The next thing I know I am in the Subterro clink with Wurpzand Zahooli. D'Ambrosia says maybe we will get released from the straitjackets soon and get shock treatments and find ourselves back inMetropolita in our favorite night spot.

  "We have to be dreamin' this," I keep telling myself. The guard looks inat us and he has little slanting eyes.

  "How did Jap beetles get here?" I ask Wurpz. I shiver. I think of allthe Subterro subs pouring out of a hole under Brazil and sinking allEarthian merchant marines, and shooting guided missiles that will landall over the U.S. They could have rays that would reach up over amillion miles and wash up space traffic.

  Then we get another jolt. They bring us our chow and say it is anglewormand hellgrammite porridge as that is what the Subterro denizens live onmostly. There is a salad made out of what looks like skunk cabbageleaves. We found out later that Hitler's brain trust had made anartificial sun for the Subterrors and they had been given greens for thefirst time and increased in size over a hundred per cent.

  "We have got to escape," I says to my pals.

  "That is easy," Zahooli sniffs. "First we have to break through thewalls here, get to the Mole which can't never move again, and then fightoff maybe six million creeps. We would git reduced to cinders by rayBetsys the minute we hit the street."

  I sigh deeply and reach into my knapsack. I find some lamb stew andtapioca pudding capsules and split them with Zahooli and Wurpz. Then Icome up with a little box and glance at the label. It says, URGOXA'SINSECT POWDER--Contains Radiatol.

  I get up nonchalantly and call the guard to the barred window.Beetlehead sticks his face in close and asks what I want. I empty someof the powder into the palm of my hand and then blow it into his face.The Subterro sentry's eyes cross. His face turns as pale as milk and hecollapses like a camp stool.

  "Eureka!" I yelp. "We are in business, pals."

  I hide the box of bug powder when I hear two other creeps come running.They start yakking in Universa and in bug language both. AgrodyteHitler appears and looks in at us.

  "What happened, Great One?" I ask very politely.

  "We will perform an autopsy," Hitler's grandson says, and turns toanother beetlehead. "Open the door," he says. "I am showing my guestssomething before we exterminate them. Too bad about Voklogoo. Mostlikely a coronary entomothrombosis. Achtung! Raus mitt!"

  "It means get the lead out in old Germanic literature," I says to Wurpzand Zahooli.

  "It is curtains," D'Ambrosia gulps. "In about five minutes we will beresidue."

  The Neofeuhrer is like all egomaniacs before him. He wants to brag. Weget into a Subterro Jetjeep and drive about twenty miles through theunderground countryside to the entrance to a cave guarded by some extratall Subterrors. Hitler the Third leads us into the spelunker'snightmare and we finally come to a big metal door about eighty feet longand twenty feet high.

  Agrodyte pushes a button and the steel door lifts. Then we walk up aflight of steps to the top of a dam and take a gander at a fleet ofsubmarines that makes Earthian pig-boats look like they belonged inantique shops.

  "We will take you for a ride in one," the dictator of Subterro says."After that I will turn you over to the executioner."

  "We need lawyers," Wurpz says.

  We cross a thin gangplank and enter the sub. The lights in it areindirect and are purplish green. Hitler Number Three shows us thetelepathic machine, the radar, and the viso-screen that pictureseverything going on upstairs on Earth, and on Mars, Jupiter and allother planets. There are four other beetleheads on the sub and theycarry disintegrators.

  "These Subterro U-boats," our genial host brags, "can go as fast inreverse as full speed ahead, as the situation warrants. They are alivewith guided missiles no larger than this flashlight I have here, but onewould blow up your Metropolita and leave hardly an ash."

  He looks at me, and then goes on: "We will proceed to the lock that willraise us to the underground river and cruise along its course for a fewhundred miles. It is the treat I should accord such distinguishedvisitors from the outside of Earth, nein?"

  The skipper of the Subterro sub pulls a switch and there is a noise likethree contented cats purring. The metal fish slides along the surface ofthe underground lake and comes to a hole in a big rock ledge.

  We see all this through a monitor which registers the scenery outsidethe sub within a radius of three miles. The sub slides into the side ofthe rock, and then is lifted up to the underground river that winds andwinds upward like a corkscrew to the outlet under Brazil. Every once ina while a blast of air that smells like a dentist's office goes throughthe sub from bow to stern and I ask why.

  "There is such terrific potency to the power we use from our puranium,"Hitler Number Three says, "that we purify the air every few seconds withformula XYB and Three-fifth. The basis of the gas is galena."

  I nudge Wurpz and Zahooli as the Neofeuhrer goes over to converse withhis crew. "It is our big chance," I whisper. "You watch how they runthis tub for the next few minutes. Then when I cough three times you beready
. I do not know how much powder it will take to knock off the bigbug as he is half human. Once I blow this insect powder at the same timeas the purifying blast is to take place, you two be ready to jumpAgrodyte. I noticed that a small purple light flashes on over themonitor just before that stuff turns loose. It is a warning so thebeetleheads can take deep breaths."

  "Sep," D'Ambrosia Zahooli says. "I take back all the insults of the pastfive hours. Shake."

  "I am doin' that already," I says. "We have to work fast while we are inthe underground river."

  We wait. The Neofeuhrer comes walking back to where we are sitting. Thepurple light