The Nocturnal Voice, Page 2

to do with God or blind hatred is irrelevant. These people have such vacant infantile minds, religion and hatred sometimes hold the same meaning for them.

  They reject all knowledge or truth no matter how irrefutable the facts are that prove them. I know it’s because of fear and I get why they do it, don’t get me wrong. They think that if they begin to reason, they’ll suddenly have to see the universe and the people in it for what they really are. A mystery with no answers and no roadmap.

  As Daryl stopped speaking, the group was in utter silence. He chuckled slightly looking at the eyes transfixed on him from everyone in the room. Shaking his head he said,

  “Now you see why I stay quiet about my opinions on life? I kind of rant about it.”

  He shrugged his shoulders and looked at Ali again. She just gave him a warm smile and shrugged her shoulders in almost the same way.

  Daryl now spoke directly to the facilitator slightly lowering his voice to a quiet and almost peaceful tone.

  “Your question was, “What makes me feel alone in this world? The truth is, I am alone in this world! We are all “alone” in this world and that is the reality of the human experience. I found out years back that the trick in life isn’t to stop feeling alone.”

  As he paused and sat quietly in his chair, Ali leaned forward and looked at Daryl with slightly timid eyes.

  “So if the trick isn’t to stop feeling alone, then what is it?”

  He turned to look at her, smiled warmly and said,

  “The trick is not minding.”

  As he finished speaking, the facilitator made some comments and tried to link some points and commonality of Daryl’s statements to the others in the room, and began to ask for some additional feedback from the group.

  Her words were lost to the ears of Ali who found herself completely intrigued with Daryl. She was impressed by his ability to speak so intelligently and sensibly, and was trying to figure out what condition plagued his mind so profoundly that he ended up here.

  The group session soon came to a close and everyone stood up to exit the room and move on to the next activity in their very structured day. As Ali stretched her arms and stood up Daryl asked,

  “So are you ok?”

  “Of course, my leg is fine.”

  Daryl shook his head,

  “No, I can see that. I asked if “you” are ok?”

  She nodded with a half smile and rolled her eyes.

  “So where are you off to next?” she asked.

  “Me? Oh I got my daily morning brunch with the candy man.”

  Ali cocked her head looking confused.

  “I mean the Psychiatrist, you know, the one who gives out all of the pretty pills and potions. I’m sure you’ve met the candy man.”

  A voice from across the room said,

  “Daryl, Ali? Group is over now, let’s move along to your next activity OK?”

  Daryl smiled at Ali.

  “See you later.”

  As he walked through the door and out into the hall, Ali grinned as she heard him whistle a song that she immediately recognized from her childhood called “The Candy Man”.

  When Ali left the room, she knew she didn’t have anything else on her agenda for at least an hour. Downtime could be spent pretty much however they wanted to spend it but patients were not allowed to return to their room and isolate themselves.

  Being with other people or doing creative or social activities was the method of intensive behavioral therapy that worked to break negative cycles of thinking.

  Since she wasn’t feeling particularly creative, she chose to sit down in the day room. The day room was intentionally designed to be bright and inviting and she thought it might distract her considering her current situation in life. Taking a seat near the window, she leaned back into the large cushions of a soft chair. The sun on her skin felt warm and comforting which made her feel very peaceful for the moment.

  That peace was broken shortly afterward by the sound of someone yelling at the top of their lungs from down the hall. It was clear that there was some bizarre incident in progress between a patient and the staff. It ended rather quickly and things became quiet again.

  Ali once again looked out the large window at the green trees and relaxed in the nourishing warmth of the sun.

  She stayed like that for about ten minutes until she heard the sound of someone who walked behind her and took a seat close by.

  She discreetly lifted one of her eyelids to see who it was and was both surprised and pleased seeing Daryl sitting next to her. His hands were clasped and folded across his stomach, and his head was back against the chair with his eyes closed.

  “Well hello, was the candy store closed? That was a quick visit.”

  “No, they were open. They’re always open at this place. By the way, I didn’t want to sneak up on you and thought sitting down and letting you find me was better than scaring the shit out of you. If you want to be alone though that’s cool. I can always go freak out the nurse by staring at her.”

  Ali gave him a warm smile.

  “No, I was just hanging out. Good choice not to surprise me though. I’ve always been jumpy like that and probably would have screamed.

  So did the candy man give you anything good?”

  Daryl chuckled.

  “Oh yeah! He hooked me up with a kilo of Alabama Kush and a case Dove Bars. Are you in?”

  Ali laughed and leaned closer to him saying,

  “You have no idea how much I wish you were telling me the truth. I would be your best friend the rest of the week!”

  Daryl grinned and sat up straight in his hair.

  “Well if that’s the case I wish I was telling the truth. In reality, all I got today was the cold stare, the scripted nods and usual bullshit questions.

  I used to try to break the monotony by joking around with the shrinks. One time I said I was afraid to go back to my room because there was a dragon egg on my pillow that was about to hatch and I was worried about the mother coming back to retrieve her baby.”

  Ali smiled with the anticipation that he would soon say he was kidding, but quickly realized he wasn’t because he shook his head and said.

  “That was not a good idea.”

  She laughed loudly and said,

  “I could see that might be a bit out of place in that setting. What did they say to you?”

  Daryl rolled his eyes.

  “As expected, the doctor maintained an even strain.

  She asked if I would be willing to take her back to my room and show her the egg.”

  He rolled his eyes and added,

  “That’s when I realized that humor in this place is pointless with many of the staff. Not all of them mind you but most. I figure I’m better off showing my personality to only those people who appreciate it. Hopefully I’ll find a few of those people someday.”

  Ali looked down and spoke shyly,

  “I appreciate it.”

  Happy and a bit embarrassed by her comment, he blushed slightly.

  “Wow thanks. That was nice of you to say.”

  Yet in the moment of awkward silence that followed, he felt a bit anxious not knowing what to say next. Then he remembered something from earlier in the day.

  “Oh, speaking of dragon eggs, or dragons I should say. I meant to tell you, I really like your dragon tattoo. They did excellent work. It’s beautiful!”

  She smiled, turned in the chair and pulled her sleeve higher so he could see it more clearly.

  “Really, you like it? Thanks.

  It’s the only tattoo I have but it’s really special to me. I guess it kind of represents me, sort of like a self image that makes me feel stronger when I look at it. It’s, well I’m mean...not really me but…

  Ali shook her head and said,

  Wow that must have sounded messed up and weird to you right?”

  Daryl began to grin and then broke into full laughter.

  “Seriously? Do
you actually think that anything you could possibly say or do in this place would make me see you as weird or twisted?”

  Ali shrugged her shoulders and frowned.

  “Ok, well I guess I see your point.”

  Daryl could see that she wasn’t finding the humor in his last comment.

  “Ali, I hope you know I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. Really, what you said wasn’t weird or messed up at all whether you said it here or anywhere.

  I totally get how you feel about the tattoo. Really.

  I mean for all the shit you’ve been through with people dying around you, when you think of a black dragon, you think of it as strong, resilient, dark, beautiful. That’s a perfect symbol of you.”

  Ali looked in Daryl’s eyes feeling very happy he understood what she’d been trying to say, but within this entire moment of validation, one word took hold of her heart making everything else fade away. Daryl spoke the word “beautiful”

  “He thinks I’m beautiful?” she thought.

  She didn’t have the courage to thank him and point out what he’d said, and even if she did it would have been unnecessary. Daryl was well aware of the fact that he made the comparison. He however, trying to stop any awkwardness said,

  “I have a tattoo.

  It’s the only one I have too.”

  Ali replied in an exited voice.

  “I didn’t notice, where is it? Can you show me?

  Daryl looked around the room.

  “It’s on my back and it’s actually pretty big.

  The thing is, I don’t know how well the staff of the Hotel California here are going to react if I take my shirt off in the day room. Know what I mean?”

  She looked around and saw one of the staff by the door reading a magazine.

  “Just bend forward and pull up your tee-shirt. She won’t see you and if she