house, he tries to place his order through the
trash can.
I’d like two value
meals and a bottle
of …hello? hello?
105
I saw a sign for a pizza place, and I begged Mom
and Dad to let us eat there. But I guess Mom was
trying to save money, because she came prepared.
I packed
healthy
snacks!
SLIPSLIDE
WATER PARK
A half hour later we pulled into a big parking lot,
and I knew exactly where we were.
We were at the Slipslide Water Park, where we
used to go as kids. And I mean lIttle kids.
It’s really a place meant for people Manny’s age.
106
Mom must’ve heard me and Rodrick groan in the
backseat. She said we were gonna have a great
day as a family and it would be the highlight of
our summer vacation.
I have bad memories of the Slipslide Water
Park. One time Grandpa took me there, and he
left me in the waterslide area for practically the
whole day. He said he was gonna go read his
book and he’d meet me there in three hours. But I
didn’t actually go on any slides because of the sign
at the entrance.
UNDER 48”
must be
accompanied
by an adult
I thought you had to be forty-eight years old
to ride, but it turns out the two little lines
next to the number meant “inches.”
107
So I basically wasted my day waiting for Grandpa
to come back and get me, and then we had to leave.
Rodrick has bad memories of the Slipslide Water
Park, too. Last year his band got booked to do
a show on the music stage they have near the
wave pool. Rodrick’s band asked the park people
to set them up with a smoke machine so they could
have some special effects for their show.
But somebody screwed up, and they set Rodrick’s
band up with a BuBBle machine instead.
108
I found out the reason Mom took us to the
water park today: It was half-price for families.
Unfortunately, it looked like just about every
family in the state was there, too.
When we got through the gates, Mom rented a
stroller for Manny. I convinced her to spend a
little more money and rent a double stroller,
because I knew it was gonna be a long day and
I wanted to conserve my energy.
109
Mom parked the stroller near the wave pool, which
was so crowded you could barely even see the water.
After we put on our sunscreen and found a place
to sit, I felt a few raindrops, and then I heard
thunder. Then an announcement came over the
loudspeaker.
Everyone hit the exits and got in their cars. But
with all the people trying to leave at the exact
same time, it was a total traffic jam.
due to lightning, the slipslide water
park is now closed. thank you for
coming, and have a nice day.
Manny tried to entertain everyone by telling jokes.
At first Mom and Dad were encouraging him.
knock knock.
who’s there? your
underwear.
good one,
manny!
ha
ha!
But after a while, Manny’s jokes didn’t even
make sense.
one two free
four five. five
named clive.
We were low on gas, so we had to turn off the
air conditioner and wait for the parking lot to
clear up.
111
Mom said she had a headache, and she went to
the back to lie down. An hour later traffic finally
thinned out, and we got onto the highway.
We stopped for gas, and about forty-five minutes
later we were home. Dad told me to wake Mom up,
but when I looked in the back of the station
wagon, Mom wasn’t there.
For a few minutes nobody knew where she went.
Then we realized the only place she could be was
at the gas station. She must’ve gotten out to use
the bathroom when we stopped, and nobody noticed.
Sure enough, that’s where she was. We were glad
to see her, but I don’t think she was too happy
to see US.
112
closed
oops.
Mom didn’t really say anything on the ride back.
Something tells me she’s had her fill of family
togetherness for a while, and that’s good,
because I have, too.
Sunday
I really wish we didn’t go on that trip yesterday,
because if we stayed home, my fish would still be alive.
Before we left for our trip I fed my fish, and Mom
said I should feed Rodrick’s fish, too. Rodrick’s fish
was in a bowl on top of the refrigerator, and I’m
pretty sure Rodrick hadn’t fed his fish or cleaned
the bowl once.
113
I think Rodrick’s fish was living off of the algae
growing on the glass.
chew
chew
When Mom saw Rodrick’s bowl, she thought it
was disgusting. So she took his fish and put it in
my bowl.
dump
When we got home from the water park, I
went straight to the kitchen to feed my fish.
But he was gone, and it wasn’t a big mystery
what happened to him.
114
I didn’t even have time to feel sad about it,
because today was Father’s Day and we all had to
get in the car and go up to Grandpa’s for brunch.
I’ll tell you this: If I’m ever a dad, you’re not
gonna see me dressing up in a shirt and tie and
going to Leisure Towers on Father’s Day. I’m
gonna go off by myself and have some FuN. But
Mom said she thought it would be good for the
three generations of Heffley men to be together.
I guess I must’ve been picking at my food,
because Dad asked me what was wrong. I told him
I was bummed out because my fish died. Dad said
he didn’t really know what to say because he’d
never had a pet die before.
115
He said he used to have a dog named Nutty when he
was a kid, but Nutty ran away to a butterfly farm.
I’ve heard Dad tell this same story about Nutty
and the butterfly farm a million times, but I didn’t
wanna be rude and cut him off.
Then Grandpa spoke up and said he had a “confession”
to make. He said that Nutty didn’t actually run away
to a butterfly farm. Grandpa said what ReAllY
happened was that he accidentally ran over the dog
when he was backing his car out of the driveway.
was that
frank’s
skateboard?
116
Grandpa said he made up the butterfly farm story
so he didn’t have to tell Dad the truth, but that
now they could have a good laugh over it.
But Dad was mAD. He told us to get in the car,
and he left Grandpa with the bill for brunch. Dad
didn’t say anything on the way home. He just
dropped us off at the house and drove away.
screech
Dad was gone for a long time, and I was starting
to think maybe he was gonna just take the rest of
the day for himself. But he showed up an hour
later carrying a big cardboard box.
117
Dad put the box on the floor, and believe it or
not, there was a DoG in there.
Mom didn’t seem too thrilled that Dad went out
and bought a dog without checking with her first.
I don’t think Dad has ever even bought a pair
of pants for himself without getting Mom’s ok
beforehand. But I think she could see that Dad
was happy, so she let him keep it.
At dinner Mom said we should come up with a name
for the dog.
118
I wanted to name it something cool like Shredder or
Ripjaw, but Mom said my ideas were too “violent.”
Manny’s ideas were a whole lot worse, though. He
wanted to name the dog an animal name like
Elephant or Zebra.
zeeb
for
short!
Rodrick liked the animal name idea, and he said we
should call the dog Turtle.
turd for
short.
Mom said we should call the dog Sweetheart. I
thought that was a really terrible idea, because
the dog is a boy, not a girl.
119
But before any of us could fight it, Dad agreed
with Mom’s idea.
sweetie
for short!
wag
wag
I think Dad was willing to go with anything Mom
came up with if it meant he didn’t have to take
the dog back. But something tells me Uncle Joe
would not approve of our dog’s name.
Dad told Rodrick he should go to the mall to buy
a bowl and get the dog’s name printed on it, and
here’s what Rodrick came back with —
sweaty
120
I guess that’s what you get when you send the
worst speller in the family off to do your errands.
Wednesday
I was really happy when we got our dog at first,
but now I’m starting to have second thoughts.
The dog’s actually been driving me crazy. A few
nights ago a commercial came on tv, and it
showed some gophers popping in and out of their
holes. Sweetie seemed pretty interested in that, so
Dad said —
where are the
gophers, sweetie?
where are they, boy?
That got Sweetie all riled up, and he started
barking at the tv.
121
Now Sweetie barks at the tV constantly,
and the only thing that gets him to stop is when
the commercial with the gophers comes back on.
bark
bark
bark
bark
But what really bugs me about the dog is that he
likes to sleep in my bed, and I’m afraid he’ll bite
my hand off if I try to move him.
grrrrrr
And he doesn’t just sleep in my bed. He sleeps
right smack in the middle.
122
Dad comes in my room at 7:00 every morning to
take Sweetie out. But I guess me and the dog
have something in common, because he doesn’t like
getting out of bed in the morning, either. So Dad
turns the lights on and off to try to make the
dog wake up.
come on, sweetie.
get up get up get
up get up get up.
flick
flick
flick
zzzz
zzzz
123
Yesterday Dad couldn’t get Sweetie to go outside,
so he tried something new. He went to the front
of the house and rang the doorbell, which made
the dog shoot out of bed like a rocket.
The only problem was, he used my face as a
launching pad.
ding dong
bark
bark
bark
bark
It must’ve been raining outside this morning, because
when Sweetie came back in he was shivering and
soaking wet. Then he tried to get under the covers
with me to get warm. Luckily, the muddy hand has
given me a lot of practice with this sort of thing,
so I was able to keep him out.
124
dig
dig
dig
Thursday
This morning Dad wasn’t able to get the dog out
of my bed no matter WHAt he tried. So he went
to work, and about an hour later Sweetie woke me
up to take him outside. I wrapped myself in my
blanket and then let the dog out the front door
and waited for him to do his business. But Sweetie
decided to make a run for it, and I had to chase
after him.
125
You know, I was actually having a pretty decent
summer until Sweetie came along. He’s ruining the
two things that are the most important to me:
television and sleep.
And you know how Dad is always getting on my
case about lying around all day? Well, Sweetie is
twice as bad as me, but Dad’s CRAZY about
that dog.
I don’t think the feeling is mutual, though. Dad
is always trying to get the dog to give him a kiss
on the nose, but Sweetie won’t do it.
wriggle
squirm
126
I can kind of understand why the dog doesnt
like Dad.
The only person Sweetie really likes is Mom, even
though she barely pays him any attention. And I
can tell that’s starting to drive Dad a little nuts.
Shiver
shiver
get down,
sweetie!
whimper
whimper
127
I think Sweetie is just more of a ladies’ man. So I
guess that’s something else we have in common.
July
Saturday
Last night I was working on a new comic to
replace “Li’l Cutie.” I figured there would be a lot
of competition for the open slot, so I wanted to
come up with something that really stood out. I
made up this comic called “Hey, People!” that’s
sort of like a half cartoon, half advice column. I
figure I can use it to make the world a better
place, or at least a better place for me.
um…let’s
see…I
guess…
hmm…
when ordering from a fast-food
restaurant, try to decide what
you want before you get to the
front of the line.
128
my toenail was so
ingrown, it took
the doctor an hour
to dig it out!
when in public, kindly refrain
from discussing details of your
recent surgery.
I figured since Dad reads the comics, I might as well
write a few that were specifically targeted at him.
sha
after you’re done with your
shower, please rinse your hair
off the soap!
I would’ve written a bunch of comics last night,
but Sweetie was driving me crazy and I couldn’t
concentrate.
While I was drawing, the dog was sitting on my
pillow licking his paws and his tail, and he was
really getting into it.
slork
slork
Whenever Sweetie does that, I have to remember
to flip the pillow over when I go to bed. Last
night I forgot, and when I lay down I put my
head right on the wet spot.
Speaking of licking, Sweetie finally kissed Dad
last night. It’s probably because Dad had potato
chips on his breath, and I think dogs have an
automatic response to that sort of thing.
130
lick
I didn’t have the heart to tell Dad that Sweetie
had just spent the past half hour on my pillow
licking his rear end.
Anyway, I’m hoping I can write a few more
comics tonight, because I’m not gonna be able to
get any work done tomorrow. Tomorrow’s the
Fourth of July, and Mom is making the whole
family go to the town pool.
I tried to get out of it, mostly because I want
to make it through the summer without having to
walk past the shower guys. But I think Mom’s
still hoping to have one perfect family day this
summer, so there’s no use fighting it.
131
Monday
My Fourth of July started out pretty rough. When
I got to the pool, I tried to get through the
locker room as quickly as I could. But the shower
guys were really chatty, and they didn’t make it
easy on me.
hey, greg, how’s
the family?
patrons
must
shower
before
entering
pool
Then Mom told me she left her sunglasses out in
the car, so I had to go BACk through the
shower area to the parking lot. I wore Mom’s
sunglasses on the return trip to make it clear I