Rodrick for that.
78
Mom and Dad got Rodrick a cell phone last year,
and he racked up a bill for three hundred dollars in
the first month. Most of that was from Rodrick
calling Mom and Dad from his room in the basement
to ask them to turn the heat up.
So the only thing I’m asking for this year is a
deluxe leather recliner. My Uncle Charlie has one,
and he practically lIVes in that thing.
79
The main reason I want my own recliner is because
if I had one, I wouldn’t have to go up to my
room after watching tv late at night. I could
just sleep right in the chair.
Plus, these recliners have all sorts of features, like a
neck massager and adjustable firmness and stuff like
that. I figure I could use the “vibrate” feature to
make Dad’s lectures a lot more tolerable.
and you really
need to stop
leaving your
dirty clothes in
the bathroom!
vrmmmm
The only reason I’d ever need to get up is to
go to the bathroom. But maybe I should just
wait until next year to ask for a recliner,
because I bet they’ll have that taken care of
in the new model.
80
ahhhhhh!
flush
Thursday
I asked Mom to take me back to Bombshells
Beauty Salon again today, even though I didn’t
really need a haircut. I just felt like catching up
on the town gossip.
hiiiiiiiiiiiii, greggggggg!
beauty
n
Annette, my hairstylist, said she heard from a lady
who knows Mrs. Jefferson that me and Rowley had
a falling out.
81
Apparently, Rowley’s “heartbroken” because I didn’t
invite him to my birthday party. Well, if Rowley’s
upset, you wouldn’t know it from looking at him.
Every time I see Rowley, he’s palling around with
his dad. So the way it looks to me, he’s already
got himself a new best friend.
I just wanna say I think it stinks that Rowley
gets to go to the country club even though he
still owes money on that fruit smoothie bill.
Unfortunately, Rowley’s chummy relationship with
his dad is starting to affect my life. Mom says
the way Rowley and his dad hang out together is
“neat” and that me and Dad should go fishing or
play catch in the front yard or something.
82
But the thing is, me and Dad just aren’t cut out
for that kind of father-son stuff. The last time
Mom tried to get me and Dad to do something
like that together, it ended with me having to
pull him out of Rappahannock Creek.
duck!
duck!
where?
where?
Mom won’t let it go, though. She says she wants
to see more “affection” between Dad and us boys.
And that’s created some really awkward moments.
mom says I
need to hug
you guys.
chips
83
Friday
Today I was watching tv, minding my own
business, when I heard a knock at the front
door. Mom said there was a “friend” there to
see me, so I thought it must be Rowley coming
to apologize.
But it wasn’t Rowley. It was fregley.
hello,
friend!
After I recovered from my initial shock, I
slammed the door shut. I started to panic because
I didn’t know what Fregley was doing at my
front door. After a few minutes went by, I
looked out the side window, and Fregley was
still standing there.
84
I knew I had to take drastic measures, so I
went to the kitchen to call the cops. But Mom
stopped me before I could finish dialing 911.
Mom said she invited Fregley over. She said I’ve
seemed “lonely” ever since I had that fight with
Rowley, and she thought she’d set up a “playdate”
with Fregley.
85
See, this is why I should never tell Mom about
my personal business. This Fregley thing was a
I’ve heard that a vampire can’t come inside your
house unless you invite him in, and I’ll bet it’s
the same kind of deal with Fregley.
mind if i
borrow some
flour?
sure, it’s back
in the kitch—
hey, wait a
second!
So now I’ve got two things to worry about:
the muddy hand and Fregley. And if I had to
choose the one to get me first, I’d take the
muddy hand in a heartbeat.
86
why don’t you
go outside
and play with
fregley?
i think
fregley
might be
naked.
Saturday
Today was my birthday, and I guess things went
more or less like I expected. The relatives started
showing up around 1:00. I asked Mom to invite as
many people as possible so I could maximize my gift
potential, and I got a pretty good turnout.
gifts go on
the dining
room table.
87
I like to cut to the chase on my birthday and
get right to the gifts, so I told everyone to
gather in the living room.
I took my time with the cards, just like Mom
asked. It was a little painful, but I got a good
haul, so it was worth it.
A special greeting
And a “how do you do?”
For a special nephew —
By golly, that’s you!
Happy
Birthday!
aunt Brenda
wow, aunt
brenda,
this is
really
neat!
when I saw it
in the store,
I knew it was
just perfect!
Unfortunately, as soon as I collected my
checks, Mom confiscated the money to pay off
Mr. Jefferson.
Pluck
88
Then I moved on to the wrapped presents, but
there weren’t a whole lot of those. The first
gift, from Mom and Dad, was small and heavy,
which I thought was a good sign. But I was
still pretty shocked when I opened it.
When I looked more closely, I found out it
wasn’t an ordinary cell phone. It was called a
“Ladybug.” The phone didn’t have a keypad on it or
anything. It only had two buttons: one to call home
and one for emergencies. So it’s pretty much useless.
89
All my other gifts were clothes and other stuff I
didn’t really need. I was still hoping I might get
that recliner, but once I realized there weren’t
any places Mom and Dad could be hiding a giant
leather chair, I gave up looking.
Then Mom told everyone it was time to go into the
dining room to have some cake. Unfortunately, Uncle
Joe’s dog, Killer, had beaten us to it.
chomp
gobble
slurp
I was hoping Mom would go out and get me a new
cake, but she just took a knife and cut away the
parts the dog didn’t touch.
90
Mom cut me a big piece, but by that point I
wasn’t really in the mood for cake. Especially not
with Killer throwing up little birthday candles
under the table.
Sunday
I guess Mom must’ve felt bad about how my birthday
went down, because today she said we could go to
the mall and get a “makeup gift.”
Mom took Manny and Rodrick along for the ride,
and she said they could each pick out something,
too, which is totally unfair, because it wasn’t
tHeIR birthday yesterday.
91
We walked around the mall for a while and ended
up in a pet store. I was hoping we could pool our
money to buy a dog, but Rodrick seemed to be
interested in a different kind of pet.
Mom handed us each a five-dollar bill and told us
we could buy whatever we wanted, but five bucks
doesn’t exactly get you very far in a pet store. I
finally settled on this really cool angelfish that’s
all different colors.
92
Rodrick picked out a fish, too. I don’t know
what kind it was, but the reason Rodrick chose
it was because the label on the tank said the fish
was “aggressive.”
Manny spent HIs five bucks on fish food. At
first I thought it was because he wanted to
feed the fish that me and Rodrick bought, but
by the time we got home, Manny had eaten
half the canister.
Monday
This is the first time I’ve had my very own
pet, and I’m kind of getting into it. I feed
my fish three times a day, and I keep his bowl
really clean.
93
I even bought a journal so I could keep track of
everything my fish does during the day. I have
to admit, though, I’m starting to have a little
trouble filling up the pages.
I asked Mom and Dad if we could buy one of
those aquariums and get a ton of fish to keep
my little guy company. But Dad said that
aquariums cost money and maybe I could ask for
one for Christmas.
See, this is what stinks about being a kid. You
only get two shots at getting stuff you want,
and that’s on Christmas and your birthday. And
then when one of those days Does come, your
parents mess things up and buy you a Ladybug.
94
If I had my own money, I could just buy
whatever I wanted and not have to embarrass
myself every time I needed to rent a video game
or buy a piece of candy or something.
Anyway, I’ve always known that I’ll eventually
be rich and famous, but I’m starting to get a
little concerned that it hasn’t happened yet. I
figured I’d at least have my own reality tv
show by now.
Last night I was watching one of those television
shows where a nanny lives with a family for a
week and then tells them all the ways they’re
screwing up.
exit
95
Well, I don’t know if the woman had to go to
some special nanny school or something, but that’s
the kind of job I was BoRN to do.
I just need to figure out how to get myself in
line for that job when the nanny retires.
your house is a wreck, your kids
have no manners, and…hey, mr.
johnson, you’re not going out
in that shirt, are you?
A few years ago I started collecting my personal
mementos, like book reports and old toys and
stuff like that, because when my museum opens I
wanna make sure it’s packed with interesting
things from my life.
96
can we get a
discount for our
three-month-old?
sorry, no
exceptions!
Greg
entrance
admission $20
tips
the
greg heffley
experience
But I don’t keep anything like lollipop sticks
that have my saliva on them because, believe me,
I do Not need to be cloned.
we need
money.
When I’m famous, I’m gonna have to make some
life changes.
97
I’ll probably have to fly in private jets, because
if I fly on regular planes, I’ll get really annoyed
when people in the back try to mooch off my
first-class bathroom.
the bathroom in
the back is full,
and little timmy
really has to—
hey, whoa,
whoa!
first class
only
vacant
Another thing famous people have to deal with is
that their younger siblings end up getting famous
just because they’re related.
The
manny
show
98
My closest brush with fame so far was when Mom
signed me up for a modeling job a few years ago.
I think her idea was to get pictures of me in
clothes catalogues or something like that.
But the only thing they used my picture for was
this stupid medical book, and I’ve been trying to
live it down ever since.
Your Child
and
constipation
by Marion Locke, PhD
Tuesday
I spent the afternoon playing video games and
catching up on the Sunday comics.
99
I turned to the back page, and there was an ad
where “Li’l Cutie“ usually is.
Wanna be on the
funny pages?
We’re looking for a talented
cartoonist to write and draw
a one-panel comic to replace
“Li’l Cuite.” Can you tickle
our funny bone?
Cartoons featuring animals or pets will not be considered.
Man, I’ve been waiting forever for an
opportunity like this. I had a comic in my school
paper once, but this is a chance to hit the BIG time.
The ad said they weren’t accepting any animal
comic strips, and I think I know why. There’s
this comic about a dog called “Precious Poochie,”
and it’s been running for about fifty years.
The guy who wrote it died a long time ago, but
they’re still recycling his old comics.
100
I don’t know if they’re funny or not because, to
be honest with you, most of them don’t even make
sense to a person my age.
precious
poochie
I just can’t
seem…
to figger
out…
what’s all
the fuss…
over these
here…
new-
fangled…
phonograph
devices!
Anyway, the newspaper has tried to get rid of
that comic a bunch of times, but whenever they
try to cancel it all the “Precious Poochie” fans come
out of the woodwork and make a big stink. I
guess people think of this cartoon dog as their
own pet or something.
101
The last time they tried to cancel “Precious Poochie,”
four busloads of senior citizens from Leisure Towers
showed up at the newspaper offices downtown and
didn’t leave until they got their way.
Saturday
Mom was acting extra-cheery this morning, and I
could tell she had something up her sleeve.
At 10:00 she said we all needed to get in the
station wagon, and when I asked her where we
were going, she said it was a “surprise.”
102
I noticed Mom had packed sunscreen and bathing
suits and stuff in the back of the station wagon, so
I thought we must be headed for the beach.
But when I asked her if I was right, Mom said the
place we were going was better than the beach.
Wherever we were going, it was taking a long time
to get there. And it wasn’t that fun being stuck
in the backseat with Rodrick and Manny.
103
Manny was sitting in between me and Rodrick on
the hump. At one point Rodrick decided to tell
Manny the hump was the worst seat in the car
because it was the smallest and least comfortable.
Well, that totally set Manny off.
Eventually, Mom and Dad got sick of Manny’s
crying. Mom said I had to take a turn on the
hump because I’m the second youngest and it
was “only fair.” So every time Dad ran over a
pothole, my head hit the roof of the car.
104
At about 2:00 I was getting really hungry, so
I asked if we could stop for some fast food. Dad
wouldn’t pull over, because he said the people at
fast-food restaurants are “idiots.”
Well, I know why he thinks that. Every time
Dad goes to the fried chicken place over near our