sharp on his bumper.
But Dad said he didn’t want to “junk up” his new
car. At first I was disappointed, but I guess
I could kind of understand where he was coming
from. My family doesn’t have anything that’s really
nice, and when Dad came home from the dealership
with a sporty car, I was pretty surprised.
heh,
heh.
Mom wasn’t happy that Dad picked out a car
without talking it through with her, though.
81
She said the car looked “flashy” and that since
it only had two doors, it wasn’t “practical” for
a family of five. But Dad said it was the car he
wanted, and he kept it.
After I talked to Dad, I didn’t know what to
do with my bumper sticker, so I just ended up
giving it to Manny and telling him he could put it
on his wagon or something.
But Manny turned right around and put it smack
in the middle of Dad’s driver’s-side door.
82
I freaked out because I knew Dad was gonna
think I was the one who put it there. I tried
to peel it off, but they must use superglue on the
backs of those things. So I got some soap and
water and tried to SCRUB it off.
scrub
scrub
But after twenty minutes of scrubbing, I’d barely
made a dent.
My child is the
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
and I’m MIGHTY PROUD!
I started looking for different cleaning supplies
in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, and I
found some steel wool pads that looked like they
might do the trick.
83
Those things work pretty good on the pots and
pans, so I figured they were worth a try on the
car since it was metal, too.
Sure enough, the steel wool made the bumper
sticker come off the car as easy as pie.
scrub
scrub
In fact, it was so easy that I kind of got
carried away. I used the steel wool pads to scrape
off the bugs and bird poop, too. I figured Dad
would be pretty happy I was cleaning his car for
free. But when I rinsed the car off with the
hose, I got a huge surprise.
84
The steel wool didn’t just scrape the bumper
sticker and bugs off the car. It scraped the
PAINT off, too.
I panicked and started filling in the bare spots
with a permanent marker. But the area where the
bumper sticker had been was too big, so I wrote
a note in Mom’s handwriting and taped it over
that spot.
Hi, honey!
Hope you have a great day!
P.S. Why not leave this note
on your car so you can read
it again tomorrow?
85
I thought the note might buy me a few days,
but Dad uncovered the big area in no time flat.
Dad was really mad at me, but Mom came to my
defense. She said everyone makes mistakes and
that the important thing is that I learn my
lesson and move on.
I owe Mom for that one. She calmed Dad down
and I didn’t even get grounded.
Dad took the car to the dealer to see how much
it would be to get the paint touched up.
86
The dealer told him it was gonna cost a lot of
money because it was a custom paint job.
Mom told Dad this was a “sign” that it was a
mistake to get a fancy car in the first place and
that he should just trade it in for a used minivan
instead. So that’s what he did.
The funny thing is that the minivan already had
a Student of the Week sticker on the bumper
from the previous owners. But Dad didn’t seem to
appreciate the humor in that.
Sunday
Our family usually goes to church at 9:00 a.m.,
but today we went to the folk service at 11:00.
87
The folk service has a different kind of music
than the regular one, and there’s a band that
plays guitars and stuff like that. Last week
Mom convinced Rodrick to join the folk group
because she got a flyer saying they were looking
for a “percussionist.”
I think Rodrick imagined he was gonna get to
play his drums in church, so he signed up.
But it turns out the folk group was looking for
someone to play HAND percussion instruments, like
the tambourine and castanets.
88
Rodrick tried his best to look cool up there in the
front of the church today, but it’s really hard to
pull that off when you’ve got a pair of maracas in
your hands.
I can totally relate to getting duped into joining
something without knowing all the details. Last year
Mom told me I should join the church’s Pre-Teen
Club, but then I found out they were really lax
about who qualified as a “pre-teen.”
pre-teen club
No
Grown-ups
Allowed
Pre-Teens
rule
89
Every year our church does this thing called the
“Giving Tree,” where people in need put their
requests in envelopes and hang them on the
tree. Then a family picks a random envelope, and
whatever it says inside is what they’re supposed
to buy.
adult male requests
a scarf and a pair
of gloves.
As far as I know, there aren’t any rules about
who’s allowed to put a request on the Giving Tree,
so I decided to try my luck and fill out a form of
my own.
But something told me Mom and Dad wouldn’t
approve, so I made sure it couldn’t be traced
back to me.
90
Juvenile male requests cash, as much
as you are willing to donate. Please
leave the money in an unmarked
envelope under the recycling bin
behind the church.
P.S. Make sure you’re not followed.
Monday
This year at school they taped off a bunch of
tables in the cafeteria so kids with nut allergies
could eat in a separate section. I think it’s great
the school did that, but it means there’s a lot less
room for the rest of us to sit.
NUT-FREE
ZONE
I’m not sure anyone at my school is actually
allergic to nuts, though, because for the first two
months of this year the tables in the taped-off
area were completely empty.
91
But I guess Ricardo Freedman liked the idea of
all that elbow room, because today he plopped
himself down in the middle of the Nut-Free Zone
and ate two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
he brought from home.
CHEW
CHEW
Today we had a general assembly, and everyone
was all excited because they told us we were gonna
get to watch a movie. But it was just one of those
educational films
about healthy eating.
the
nutritionauts
vs. the
greasy grimelicks
92
I know I need to eat healthier, but if you
take fast food out of my diet I’m in big
trouble, because I’m probably something like
95% chicken nugget.
The school has really been cracking down on junk
food in the cafeteria. Last week they replaced
the soda machine with a bottled water machine,
but if they’re gonna charge a dollar for a bottle
of water, they should probably think of a better
place to put it.
Healthy Choices,
Healthy Bodies!
The school also got rid of a bunch of menu items,
like hot dogs and pizza, and replaced them with
healthier stuff.
93
They even replaced french fries with a new item
called “Extreme Sports Stix,” but it took everyone
about five seconds to figure out that Extreme
Sports Stix are just sliced carrots.
EXTREME
SPORTS STIX
I usually bring a bagged lunch to school, but the
one thing I would always buy from the cafeteria
was a chocolate chip cookie. Last week, though,
the chocolate chip cookies were replaced by oatmeal
raisin cookies. I still buy them, but I eat around
the raisins, which is a lot of work.
NIBBLE
NIBBLE
I can’t tell you HOW many times I’ve bitten
into an oatmeal raisin cookie thinking it was
chocolate chip.
94
I have a theory that oatmeal raisin cookies were
invented as a practical joke a long time ago and
that they were never actually meant to be eaten.
spoo!
Most of the kids at school aren’t too bothered by
all the menu changes, but the thing that really
set people off was when they took away the
energy drinks.
ROWDY
RIOT
95
The reason the school stopped selling Rowdy Riot
was because teachers were complaining that the
red dye was making kids hyperactive. And if you
walked into my classroom after lunch, you’d see
what they were talking about.
tap tap
tap tap
rap
rap
rap
blbb
blbb
blbb
blbb
blbb
But when they stopped selling Rowdy Riot, people
who were used to drinking three or four cans a
day were totally unprepared to go cold turkey.
In fact, some kids ended up having to go down
to the nurse’s office because they had the shakes
from withdrawal.
The school wouldn’t bring Rowdy Riot back no
matter HOW much people complained. But the
other day, Leon Goodson snuck in a backpack full
of Rowdy Riot he’d brought from home and sold
cans for three bucks a pop.
96
At recess a few kids who’d bought Rowdy Riot
from Leon ducked behind the school and slurped
down their drinks where no one could see them.
slurp
glug
glug
glug
glug
But one of the recess monitors, Mrs. Lahey, got
suspicious and went back there to see what was
going on.
AHA!
psbltsh
97
Mrs. Lahey told everyone they had to pour out
their drinks immediately or she’d report them to
the principal.
glug
glug
glug
glug
glug
splash
But the second she was gone, the kids took
off their shoes and sopped up the puddles with
their socks.
sop
pat pat
squeeze
98
Tuesday
One of the reasons the school has been getting
on us about our eating habits is because the
Presidential Fitness Test is coming up, where they
measure you on all sorts of stuff, like how many
sit-ups and chin-ups you can do.
Last year our school was in the bottom 10% in
the country, and I guess the school is trying to
do anything they can to turn that around.
(gasp)
(wheeze)
Grown-ups say there’s a big problem with kids
in our generation being out of shape because
they don’t exercise enough, but I don’t think
taking away our playground equipment is really
helping matters.
99
In one part of the Presidential Fitness Test,
they check to see how many push-ups you can do
in a row. The girls in our class did better than
the boys, but that’s only because the girls get to
do an easier kind of push-up.
The boys have to keep their whole body straight
and go all the way to the floor and then all the
way back up again.
But the girls get to let their knees touch the
ground, so they have a HUGE advantage.
100
Not all the girls were happy that they got to
do easier push-ups than the boys, though. In
fact, a couple of girls signed a petition saying
they demanded to do the same kind of push-ups
I’m pretty sure I know where they got that idea.
In Social Studies we’re learning about different
ways people throughout history have protested to
change things they weren’t happy about.
tea
tea
tea
sploosh
101
I think the girls were expecting a big fight out
of Mr. Underwood, but he just told them they
could do regular push-ups if they felt like it. So
now we’re all in the same boat.
I thought that petition thing was a good idea,
though. I figured us boys should be allowed to
do the easy push-ups if we want, so I wrote a
petition and tried to get signatures.
But I got a bad feeling when I saw the group
of guys who wanted to sign my petition, and I
decided to just drop the whole thing.
102
A couple of weeks ago we had to do sit-ups
during Phys Ed, but I got cramps and asked
Mr. Underwood if I could just do the rest of
my sit-ups as homework. He said that was OK,
but he wanted proof that I did them.
So the next morning I got some of Mom’s mascara
and drew a six-pack of abs on my stomach. Then I
made sure I had my shirt off when Mr. Underwood
walked through the locker room.
The next thing I knew, though, I had a
bunch of copycats, and the following day half
the guys in my class showed up with their OWN
fake six-packs.
103
But some of those guys were REALLY awful
makeup artists.
Still, I think we had Mr. Underwood fooled. At
least until we got sweaty and the mascara ran.
Wednesday
For the past few days I’ve been g
etting alerts
on my Net Kritterz account, and if I don’t get
some Kritterz Kash soon, I could have a problem
on my hands.
104
MOOD METER
GREGORY’S
LITTLE
FRIEND IS
FEELING:
AGITATED
I asked Mom if she could just float me a few
bucks so I could get my pet’s Mood Meter back to
“Calm,” but she wouldn’t budge.
Then she said I shouldn’t expect her to give me
money to buy Christmas presents for the family
this year, either. She said I’m at the age where
I need to be spending my own money so that my
gifts “mean” something.
Usually Mom gives me twenty dollars to spend on
presents and I do all my shopping at the Holiday
Bazaar at school. It’s great because I can get all
my Christmas shopping done in one shot and the
stuff at the Bazaar is dirt cheap.
105
So I always come away with a little money I can
spend on myself.
manny
HO HO
HO!
dad
rodrick
soothing
BATH SALTS
mom
I usually spend most of my money at the
concession stand. They have the most delicious
chicken drumsticks I’ve ever tasted, but they
have a really goofy name and you feel stupid
ordering them.
could i get some
of those chicken
leg thingies?
you mean
drummies?
drummies
if that’s what
you call them.
whatever.
106
I don’t know how I’m gonna scrape together
enough money to buy everyone a present. Basically,
there are two times a year when I can count
on getting spending money, and that’s on my
birthday and Christmas.
I’m just glad my birthday’s a few months away
from Christmas so I get separate gifts for
BOTH. I feel bad for people who have their
birthday right around the holidays, because it
gets lumped together with Christmas and they