I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of
Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.
When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at
the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a
device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.
What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a
Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's
breakfast staining the pages.
Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your
Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as
much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Jeff Kinney
January
New Year’s Day
You know how you’re supposed to come up with a
list of “resolutions” at the beginning of the year
to try to make yourself a better person?
Well, the problem is, it’s not easy for me to think
of ways to improve myself, because I’m already
pretty much one of the best people I know.
So this year my resolution is to try and help
other people improve. But the thing I’m
finding out is that some people don’t really
appreciate it when you’re trying to be helpful.
I think you should
work on chewing
your potato chips
more quietly.
chew
chew
One thing I noticed right off the bat is that
the people in my family are doing a lousy job
sticking to their New Year’s resolutions.
Mom said she was gonna start going to the
gym today, but she spent the whole afternoon
watching TV.
And Dad said he was gonna go on a strict diet,
but after dinner I caught him out in the
garage, stuffing his face with brownies.
Slork
Slork
Even my little brother, Manny, couldn’t stick
with his resolution.
2
This morning he told everyone that he’s a “big boy”
and he’s giving up his pacifier for good. Then he
threw his favorite binkie in the trash.
Clap
clap
Clap
clap
Well, that New Year’s resolution didn’t even
last a full minute.
suck
suck
suck
The only person in my family who didn’t come up
with a resolution is my older brother, Rodrick,
and that’s a pity because his list should be about
a mile and a half long.
3
So I decided to come up with a program to help
Rodrick be a better person. I called my plan
“Three Strikes and You’re Out.” The basic idea
was that every time I saw Rodrick messing up,
I’d mark a little “X” on his chart.
Well, Rodrick got all three strikes before I even
had a chance to decide what “You’re Out” meant.
punch
punch
punch
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I should just
bag my resolution, too. It’s a lot of work, and
so far I haven’t really made any progress.
Besides, after I reminded Mom for like the billionth
time to stop chewing her potato chips so loud, she
made a really good point. She said, “Everyone
can’t be as perfect as You, Gregory.” And
from what I’ve seen so far, I think she’s right.
4
Thursday
Dad is giving this diet thing another try, and
that’s bad news for me. He’s gone about three
days without eating any chocolate, and he’s been
super cranky.
The other day, after Dad woke me up and told
me to get ready for school, I accidentally fell
back asleep. Believe me, that’s the last time I’ll
make that mistake.
Wake up!!!
yank
Part of the problem is that Dad always wakes me
up before Mom’s out of the shower, so I know
that I still have like ten more minutes before I
need to get out of bed for real.
5
Yesterday I came up with a pretty good way to
get some extra sleep time without making Dad
mad. After he woke me up, I took all of my
blankets down the hall with me and waited outside
the bathroom for my turn in the shower.
Then I lay down right on top of the heater vent.
And when the furnace was blowing, the experience
was even Better than being in bed.
AAAAAAAH!
FWOOSH
The problem was, the heat only stayed on for
about five minutes at a time. So when the furnace
wasn’t running, I was just lying there on this
cold piece of metal.
CHATTER
CHATTER
CHATTER
6
This morning, while I was waiting for Mom to be
done with her shower, I remembered someone gave
her a bathrobe for Christmas. So I went into her
closet and got it.
Let me just say that was one of the smartest
moves I’ve ever made. Wearing that thing was like
being wrapped in a big, fluffy towel that just came
out of the dryer.
In fact, I liked it so much, I even wore it
after my shower. I think Dad might’ve been
jealous he didn’t come up with the robe idea first,
because when I came to the kitchen table, he
seemed extra-grumpy.
Mornin’!
7
I tell you, women have the right idea with this
bathrobe thing. Now I’m wondering what
else I’m missing out on.
I just wish I had asked for my own bathrobe
for Christmas, because I’m sure Mom is gonna
make me give hers back.
I struck out on gifts again this year. I knew I
was in for a rough day when I came downstairs
on Christmas morning and the only presents in
my stocking were a stick of deodorant and a
“travel dictionary.”
I guess once you’re in middle school, grown-ups
decide you’re too old for toys or anything that’s
actually fun.
8
But then they still expect you to be all excited
when you open the lame gifts they get you.
It’ll help you
get a jump-start
on Algebra!
Math
is
rad
Most of my gifts this year were books or clothes.
The closest thing I got to a toy was a present
from Uncle Charlie.
When I unwrapped Uncle Charlie’s gift, I didn’t
even know what it was supposed to be. It was
this big plastic ri
ng with a net attached to it.
9
Uncle Charlie explained that it was a “Laundry
Hoop” for my bedroom. He said I was supposed
to hang the Laundry Hoop on the back of my
door and it would make putting away my dirty
clothes “fun.”
Toss
At first I thought it was a joke, but then I
realized Uncle Charlie was serious. So I had to
explain to him that I don’t actually Do my
own laundry.
10
I told him I just throw my dirty clothes on
the floor, and Mom picks them up and takes
them downstairs to the laundry room.
Then a few days later, everything comes back
to me in nice, folded piles.
I told Uncle Charlie he should just return the
Laundry Hoop and give me cash so I could buy
something I’d actually use.
That’s when Mom spoke up. She told Uncle
Charlie she thought the Laundry Hoop was a
great idea.
11
Then she said that from now on I’d be doing my
own laundry. So basically, it ends up that
Uncle Charlie got me a chore for Christmas.
It really stinks that I got such crummy gifts
this year. I put in a lot of effort buttering
people up for the past few months, and I
thought it would pay off on Christmas.
Now that I’m responsible for my own laundry, I
guess I’m kind of glad I got a bunch of clothes.
I might actually make it through the whole school
year before I run out of clean stuff to wear.
12
Monday
When me and Rowley got to our bus stop today,
of paper taped to our street sign, and it said
that, effective today, our bus route was “rezoned.”
And what that means is now we have to walk
to school.
Well, I’d like to talk to the genius who came up
with that idea, because our street is almost a
quarter of a mile from the school.
Me and Rowley had to run to make it to school
on time today. And what really stunk was
when our regular bus passed us by and it was full
of kids from Whirley Street, the neighborhood
right next to ours.
13
The Whirley Street kids made monkey noises when
they passed us, which was really annoying because
that’s exactly what we used to do when we
passed them.
Ooh ooh!
eee eee!
pant
pant
I’ll tell you one reason it’s a bad idea to make
kids walk to school. These days, teachers give you
so much homework that, with all the books and
papers you have to carry home, your backpack
ends up weighing like a hundred pounds.
And if you want to see what kind of an effect
that has on kids over time, all you have to do is
look at Rodrick and some of his friends.
14
Speaking of teenagers, Dad scored a pretty
big victory today. The baddest teenager in our
neighborhood is this kid named Lenwood Heath,
and he’s kind of like Dad’s archenemy. Dad has
probably called the cops on Lenwood Heath about
fifty times.
Dag nab you
rotten
teenagers!
clang
I guess Lenwood’s parents got sick of his act,
because they sent him off to military academy.
15
You’d think that would’ve made Dad pretty
happy, but I don’t think he’ll be satisfied until
every teenager on the planet gets sent off to
juvenile hall or Alcatraz or something. And that
includes Rodrick.
Yesterday Mom and Dad gave Rodrick some money
to buy books so he could study for the sats, but
Rodrick spent the money on a tattoo instead.
LÖDED
DIPER
I’ve still got a little time before I turn into a
teenager. But the minute I do, I guarantee you
Dad will be looking for the first chance to ship
me out.
Monday
For the past week or so, Manny has been getting
out of bed every night and coming downstairs.
16
Instead of putting him right back to bed, Mom
lets Manny sit with us and watch TV.
Hi!
It’s really not fair, because when Manny is with
us, I’m not allowed to watch any of the shows
I like.
All I can say is, when I was a kid there wasn’t
any of this “getting out of bed” stuff. I did it
once or twice, but Dad put a stop to it real quick.
There was this book Dad used to read to me every
night called “The Giving Tree.” It was a really
good book, but the back of it had a picture of
the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
17
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a
pirate than a guy who should be writing books
for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked
me out, because one night after I got out of bed,
Dad said —
If you get out of
bed again tonight,
you’ll probably
run into shel
silverstein in the
Hallway.
The giving tree
18
That really did the trick. Ever since then, I
still don’t get out of bed at night, even if I
really need to use the bathroom.
I don’t think Mom and Dad read Manny any
Shel Silverstein books, which probably explains why
he keeps getting up after they put him to bed.
I’ve heard some of the stories Mom and Dad read
to Manny, and let me just say that the people
who write these books really have a racket going.
First of all, there are hardly any words in them,
write one.
Silly bear yawning,
silly bear sad.
Silly bear sleeping,
silly bear glad!
The End.
19
I told Mom what I thought of Manny’s books,
and she said that if they were so easy to write,
then I should try writing one myself.
So that’s exactly what I did. Trust me, it wasn’t
hard, either. All you have to do is make up a
character with a snappy name, and then make
sure the character learns a lesson at the end of
the book.
Now all I need to do is mail this thing off to
a publisher and wait for the money to start
rolling in.
Wise Up,
Mr. Shropsharp!
by Greg Heffley
20
Once upon a
time there was
this man named
Mr. Shropsharp
who thought all
these crazy
thoughts.
I don’t know
much, but I do
know one thing:
Polar Bears are
some useless
animals.
One day Mr.
Shrop
sharp took
a ride in his car.
Here I
go…
But then…
oops.
And
then…
Mr. Shropsharp, you would
have drowned, but luckily
tobuk here was sitting on
an iceberg, and he saved
your life.
And
so…
Before, I said that Polar
Bears are some useless
animals, but now I can see
that not every Polar Bear
is so useless after all.
THE END
See what I mean? The only thing I noticed
after I finished the book was that I forgot to
make it rhyme. But the publisher is gonna have
to pay me extra if they want that.
22
Saturday
Well, after spending the last two weeks walking
to school, I was really looking forward to kicking
back and doing nothing for two days.
The problem with watching TV on a Saturday is
that the only thing that’s on is bowling or golf.
Plus, the sun comes through our sliding glass window,
and you can barely see the TV screen anyway.
That’s a
spare,
dave!
Today I wanted to change the channel, but
the remote was on top of the coffee table. I
was all comfortable, with my bowl of cereal in my
lap, so I really didn’t want to get up.
23
I tried using the Force to make the remote
levitate to me, even though I’ve tried it a million
times before and it’s never worked once. Today I
tried for about fifteen minutes and concentrated
really hard, but no luck. I just wish I’d
known that Dad was standing right behind me
the whole time.
UNH… UNH…
UNH… UNH…
Dad told me I was gonna have to go outside
and get some exercise. I told Dad I exercise
all the time and just this morning I used
the bench press he got me.
But I should have come up with something more
believable, because it was pretty obvious that
wasn’t true.
24
See, the reason Dad is on my case about exercise