Everything Sucks #3, Family Nonsense, Page 2

large creature came from.

  Silas can't pry her eyes away from the terrifying spectacle. She slowly retreats, feeling behind her for the corner of the house. A few more steps forward and she'd have been exposed, standing in a soft pool of porch light  from the front of the house. As she creeps cautiously backward, she can't help noticing an odd detail. The creature doesn't seem interested in the animal's flesh. Instead, it stays latched onto the throat. Drinking? Silas wonders. The corner of the house has yet to come within reach. Nothing to hide behind yet.

  The creature drops its spent prey and walks casually toward the house. Silas's feet freeze to the spot, her heart pounding like a death metal drummer. Suddenly, the creature comes to an abrupt stop and snarls, "Son of a bitch!"

  Silas gasps. She realizes now is the time to give up creeping and run for her life, but as the thing draws closer, it calls out (in a much more familiar voice) "Silas, darlin', is that you?"

  Silas crouches into a ball as the unmistakable form of her Aunt Bina steps before her.

  "I'm not gonna hurtchya, sweetheart," she says, her voice full of empathy and kindness. "C'mon, get up. We gotta talk."

  Silas stands up, still lost for words.

  Bina reaches out cautiously and takes a hold of her hands. Silas allows the contact without protest. "Oh you poor thing." Aunt Bina mutters. "Let’s get you back to the house, first of all. I'll put a kettle on for tea, and when Fred gets back, we'll all have a chat. Okay?"

  "Where is Uncle Fred?" Asks Silas, only somewhat calmer as she allows herself to be guided toward the front porch.

  "Out hunting, hun. Like you saw me do."

  Silas can't think of anything to say in response.

  Aunt Bina fills a kettle with water from the tap with absolute nonchalance, as if they'd just come back from church. Silas stares at her, and thinks about the events of the last few minutes, and it dawns on her. She can't help but laugh. "You and Uncle Fred are actual Vampires, aren't you? Actual Dracula-type Vampires!" What's next? She thinks. Mummies? The Invisible Man? Etta won't believe this!

  When Fred gets back, they all sit down at the kitchen table. Silas hardly touched her tea as she gets a crash-course on Life As A Vampire.

  She learns Uncle Fred and Aunt Bina claim to be distant relatives when they contact out-of-town branches of the Weston's rather large family Tree. Cousins thrice removed, Aunts or Uncles of imaginary relatives ("Oh, your great, great, great grandpa had a sister, you didn't know? We have the papers." Yeah, turns out modern Vampires forge, like, a crud ton of paperwork to get by these days.) Seems like a lot of work just to keep tabs on descendants as far as Silas is concerned, but, as her Uncle Fed says, "family means a lot to us".

  In-town branches of the family have been aware of Fred and Bina's "special circumstances" since way back, and they're protective of their Vampires (which mystifies the hell out of Silas, but with so much new information spinning in her head, she decides that explanation can wait). Anyhow, her Aunt and Uncle can always rely on the locals not to spill the beans when folks like Silas's Dad come to visit.

  She tries to remember the first time they visited Uncle Fred and Aunt Bina. She was a little girl. Now that she thinks about it, they'd made the trip up in fall when the weather was cold, wet, and dreary. The perfect excuse not to go outside much. Genius.

  Silas asks if anyone has ever left town and started yapping about the truth.

  "A few times." Says Uncle Fred. But funny enough, no one believes them. I mean, the occasional tabloid writer shows up--"

  "Oh my God, please tell me you don't eat them!" cries Silas, all her words running together. She's afraid she may not like the answer.

  Aunt Bina gives her an amused aren't you just adorable look and strokes her hair. "No, sweetie. We all just laugh 'em outta town."

  They also explain how "aging" is managed. Blood Fasting makes 'em look older, the longer the fast they older they look, and gorging reverses the process. So much strategy. So much work. They don't seem to mind it, but Silas is pretty sure she'd go nuts. Make it a week, tops, before hurling herself on a stake.

  Silas finally reaches her Education Threshold and calls it a night. She expects to be awake until dawn. Instead she sleeps like a baby. Weird.

  Telling Etta is one hell of a letdown. Etta laughs, calls her "my little joker," and won't even entertain the idea of real Vampires. Silas can't tell her to watch them and see for herself, either, because by now she understands the rules of ghost . . .ness? Ghosthood? Ghostism?

  Anyhow, Etta is her maternal great grandmother. No blood relation to Fred or Bina. Silas learned from Etta years ago that she can only see or talk to people in her bloodline. Everyone else she understands to exist, but she can't see, hear, or communicate with them. It's why genuine mediums are so rarely helpful. The only ghosts communicating with them--EVER--are the ones with whom they share a blood bond. This makes no sense to Silas. Go back far enough and almost everyone's related to everyone else, so she figures there must be a shelf life on that whole blood thing. A set amount of distance from the source beyond which the ability to communicate goes away. Something. It does strike her as interesting though; how with both Vampires and Ghost/Person communication, blood plays such a vital role.

  The point is, Etta thinks Silas's "My Aunt and Uncle Are Vampires" story is hilarious. Silas spends some time trying to convince her deceased ancestor she's not kidding, but the effort goes nowhere. Etta adores Silas's gory wit, and that's that. Once Silas gives up, they spend an hour or so chatting about her pre-job jitters, then she heads downstairs for breakfast.

  Over breakfast (amazing veggie omelet’s) Silas asks Aunt Bina if she's ever met anyone who could talk to the  dead.

  "Oh, all that stuff is a big pile of horse crap!"

  Silas doesn't even try to say otherwise. She just nods.

  After breakfast, Silas holds a weird-looking umbrella for Aunt Bina as they make their way to the stables. Today she's going to learn basic grooming and shoeing skills. She hopes to learn quickly. Etta is always so proud when Silas does well. It's a big day.

   

   

   

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  Books and Series by R. Smith

  Pop Culture Sucks, Manifesto Of A Vampire

  Everything Sucks Series

  Knights Of Albion

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