What if Only Adam Bit the Apple?, Page 2

spoke: "You remember that tree in the center of the Garden, don't you?"

  "You mean the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil?" Adam replied.

  "Yes, that's the one," said the Serpent. "Both you and Eve need to eat of it. Then you both will have great wisdom. You will be as smart as God. You will be as smart as I am. You will even have the knowledge of both good and evil."

  Adam had a feeling that something was now terribly wrong. He had a gut feeling that he was about to fall into a trap. He couldn't shake it. "But God said if we eat of it, we will surely die. I don't want to die."

  "You will not surely die," said the Serpent. "God only told you that because he likes to rule over you. He's on a power trip. I suspect He has problems with low self-esteem. He doesn't want you to be as smart as He is."

  "Really?" said Adam. "I really never thought of it that way. But still, I feel like something is terribly wrong."

  "That's called resistance," said the Serpent. "But once you get past it and do what you need to do, you will feel much better. You don't want to continue living like this, do you?"

  "I guess not," said Adam. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

  Adam continued to feel uncomfortable as he walked home. When he got home, he went straight for his bong. And, after a few bong hits, he felt just fine and was able to get a good night's sleep.

  The next morning, Adam woke up late—it was just before noon. He woke up groggy and somewhat disoriented. "You must have really been tired," said Eve; "I didn't want to wake you."

  "Anyway," she continued, "the Serpent has been here since early this morning. He says there's something he wants to tell us. I don't know what it's about."

  Just then, the Serpent appeared on the scene: "Good morning. Or should I say afternoon? In any case, it's a beautiful day. Time to make a fresh start."

  "A fresh start, what do you mean?" said Eve.

  Before the Serpent could answer, Adam spoke up: "Eve, we need to do something about our marriage. We're always fighting and I just want things to be good like they were when you first arrived. I've been talking to the Serpent and he has agreed to help us with our issues. You have to admit, we do need some help."

  "I'm uncomfortable too, but maybe we should first just go to God."

  "No way," said Adam. "We need someone we can both feel comfortable with and trust. We need someone who is accepting and nonjudgmental. We need someone who can help us find our own way."

  Eve had also been warned about the Serpent. But she was always careful not to offend. That was just the way she was. "I don't know," said Eve. "I'd have to think about that."

  Eve's effort to be diplomatic did not set well with Adam. He stormed out of the meeting in frustration.

  The Serpent was more composed: "Whenever you're ready," he said. "I'd like to help if I can."

  Eve brought the issue to God early in the morning the next day and was again warned not to trust the Serpent. And she resolved then and there that she would not. And this resolve only added to the tension with Adam.

  As time went by, Adam's frustration became more and more intense. And he needed more and more 'herbs' to calm him down. One day, after again arguing with Eve, he flew into a rage: "I don't know what to do with you. You're impossible! The Serpent was right. I do need to be smarter. And I know just how to get wisdom!"

  "How?" said Eve. Adam did not answer. But she could tell from the look on his face that he was about to do something drastic.

  Adam headed straight to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. So determined was he in his resolve that he wouldn't even stop to talk with the Serpent.

  As he approached the tree, there was a strange appeal that he felt. His rage subsided and was replaced with amazement and delight. The tree was beautiful. And the fruit, well, it was unique and captivating. There was a sweet aroma that lifted up his soul. So captivating was the experience that he forgot all about Eve. This was going to be an experience of pure delight. Adam, as if in a trance, selected one of the delectable fruits and ate of it. The taste was sweet, in a strange sort of way, and Adam reveled in the experience; it reminded him of the amazement and delight he experienced when he first tried out his new bong.

  After a few minutes, however, that joy began to fade. And it was soon replaced by a feeling of dread: What had he done?

  Adam did get smarter. For the first time in his life, he realized he was naked. And now that he was smarter, he also realized that God was all powerful and that he was in big trouble! So much for the joy of wisdom.

  Adam again became angry. Looking into the water of a nearby pond, he saw a reflection that was disconcerting to say the least: He was naked and angry. He felt ridiculous.

  Adam no longer wanted to walk around naked. He first tried to make a garment out of palm fronds, but that was itchy and sometimes he got stuck with the thorns. Then he tried to make a garment out of fig leaves sewn together with vines. That would sort of work, until one of the leaves would get caught by the briers. First the leaves would tear and soon he was again naked and would have to start all over again. "Can't anything ever go right anymore?"

  Adam arrived back at the camp wearing his fig leaf garment. Eve took a double take; she couldn't believe what see was seeing. "Adam?"

  "Oh, hi. Let's just say its been a rough day."

  "Why do you have fig leaves wrapped around you? Have you been doing drugs again?"

  "I don't want to walk around naked," said Adam.

  "What's naked? What in the world is going on? I can't believe what I am seeing!"

  Just then, God arrived on the scene and had some questions for Adam. "Why are you now covered with fig leaves?" asked the Lord.

  "I didn't want to be naked," said Adam.

  "Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat of it?"

  "There was just too much tension between me and the woman. I ate of the tree so I could get smart, so we could get along better. So we could both serve you better."

  "Really?" said the Lord. "Tell me more."

  "I didn't want to disobey you. But the Serpent said I needed to be smarter and that by eating of the tree I would be. So I did."

  Now the Serpent was watching all this and could hardly hide from God: "Come over here," the Lord commanded. And so he did.

  "Anything to say?" asked the Lord.

  "Nope," replied the Serpent.

  Then the Lord pronounced judgement: "Adam, because you ate of the tree which I commanded you not to eat of it, your strength shall be withered. The woman will now rule over you for all the days of your life. Furthermore, I have decreed that there will now be a monthly terror. Every month, there will come a time when you will fear the woman. You will quake with fear and plead for mercy as the monthly terror approaches. And this will be a reminder to you and your descendants that you should have feared the Lord."

  Then the Lord addressed Eve: "Because you have been faithful, you will increase in strength. Women will now rule over men. Women will rule over all creation, over the birds of the air and the fish or the sea—all that I have created. Nevertheless, because you and the man are of one flesh, both of you will have to leave the Garden of Eden. And, just as he will now have to toil in order to eat, so will you."

  And then an amazing thing happened: Eve grew a full foot taller. And now, there were new muscles bulging all over her body. She now had the body of a warrior. It was as though she had been working out with weights for years. At the same time, Adam shrank about 6 inches and became noticeably thinner. It was hard to see any muscles anywhere. Adam looked up to his now muscular wife and didn't know what to say.

  Then the Lord said to the Serpent: "Because you have enticed the man to eat of the tree which I commanded him not to eat of it, you shall eat dust all the days of your life. You shall no longer walk, but rather shall now crawl on your belly; you will slither on the ground."

  The Lord provided animal skins as a covering for the man and the woman. And they were escorted
out of the Garden of Eden. And an angel with a flaming sword stood guard so that neither of them could ever return.