preserve the other person’s self esteem 216–18, 257
set the context 211–13, 257
so-how-do-you-think-it’s-going approach 211–12
feedback, toxic 133–49
decontaminating 135–9, 251–2
learning to re-focus 143–6, 252
objective valuation 139–42
viewing from a different perspective 142–3, 252
writing about 127
feedback landmines and pitfalls 221–4, 258
arguing like two lawyers 222
defensive-aggressive reaction 223–4
disappearing in to the specifics 221–2
landmines feedback boomerang 222–3
feedback sandwich 212–13
fight or flight 14, 135, 227
focus, and flexibility 37–8
focus on what you can change 163–6, 254
Frankfurt, Harry 175–6
Frankl, Viktor 122, 262
Fredrickson, Barbara 102, 103, 104
frontal cortex 11, 136, 181
gambling game experiment 226–7
Gavin’s story 261–4
Ghengis, Khan 1
Gilbert, Daniel 154
Glaxo 65–6
Gulf of Mexico oil spill 58
Haidt, Jonathan 126, 201, 236
Hayward, Tony 58
helplessness 90, 93, 219–20, 263
herding ancestry 36
‘heroic achievement’ approach 7–8
high achievers 5, 167
Holmes, Kelly 122
honour, culture of 36–7
inaccuracies, correcting when the storm has passed 58–60, 244
individual interests 173–4
in-group see Core Group
inner cave dweller 8–10, 239
desire for fairness 85, 181, 182–3
and the guide 10–12, 43, 239
innate anxiety and pessimism 14, 15, 153
loss-aversion 116
meaning making 26, 27
and the toxic boss 86–7
and toxic feedback 136–7, 143–4
universalising 111, 216
urge to settle scores 35–8, 60, 241–2
intelligence, and success 4
interest-driven communication 50, 243
‘internal’ vs. ‘external’ people 113–14
I-choose game 131
I-speak 177–8, 215
Johnson, Gary 35
joy-of-gain motivation 116, 119, 173
Jujitsu communication 39–74
junk food 229
Karageorghis, Costas 116–17
kasbah salesmen 64
kindness 104, 200, 202
Kleiner, Art 184–5
Lancaster, Simon 52–3
language, interest-driven vs. position-driven 178–9
learnt self-efficacy 166–7
Leone, Alvaro-Pascual 70
Levinson, Harry 207
limbic system 11, 136–7
Loehr, Jim 227, 229
Loftus, Elizabeth 157
McAdams, Dan 123
McCullough, Michael 147
McKee, Robert 54–6, 89, 222
meaning, looking for 12–15, 183, 239, 240
meditation 233
exercise 234–5
memory
as agent of confidence 70
and negative thoughts 26–7, 144
mentors 95–7, 247
MilanLab 162
and body 20, 225–31, 258
bulletproof 7–15
mind reading error 27–9, 78, 189, 241
mindfulness 3, 21, 24, 25–7, 159, 162–3, 233–5, 259, 262
with toxic bosses 77, 87
and toxic feedback 133, 137, 138
mindset, changing 17–38
mistakes
decontaminating 150–2, 252
learning from 160–3
nobody noticed 29–31, 241
Mongol silk shirts 1–2, 5, 225
Monty Python 63
mood, triggering memories 26
motivation
fear-of-less 115–6, 122, 173
intrinsic and extrinsic 116–17
joy-of-gain 116, 119, 173
and success 4
movement, and state of mind 225–6
muscle memory 42
muscles
stretching 227–9
thinking and feeling with 226–7
Myers Briggs Type Indicator 216
Nankini, Ranjit 35
Negativity Bias 172
‘new-information-approach’ 89
Nicholas, Peter 67, 68–70, 71, 72, 100, 106, 107, 108, 109, 130, 138, 226, 227
Nixon, Richard 41
Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan 232, 236
Non-Zero-Sum-Game 172, 173
openness 103–4
optimism 112, 123
‘credible’ in stories 124–5, 262
and success 112
three attributions 112
options, creating 90–2
ostracism
dealing with 190–2
ignore the ignoring 191, 255
of team leaders 170–1, 187–99
Ouelette, Suzanne Kobasa 93
Oxford Mindfulness Centre 233–4
oxytocin 202
Oyebode, Femi 127–8
pauses and silence 43–5, 242
penalty-taking example 115–16
Pennebaker, Jamie 125–6
performance management myth 207–8
‘permission to be’ statement 210
persistence 118–19
perspective 199–203, 256
persuasion, three ways of 55–6
pessimists 111–12, 114
inner cave dweller 14, 15, 153
phobias 166–7
Pinker, Steven 9, 10
politics 169–70
avoiding being a martyr 180–4, 255
being okay with 171–3, 254
engaging in as survival technique 173–5
positive character traits, after trauma 199
positive psychology 3, 102–6, 147
positive self-talk 21–3, 240, 263
‘positivity ratio’ 104
post-traumatic growth 200–1, 264
post-traumatic stress disorder 199–200
power of three 57
powerful poses 230–1
PowerPoint 55, 66
praise
feedback sandwich 212–13
and self-confidence 218
presentations
creating allies 74
preparing for 72
treating as performances 65–8, 244
see also audiences
probability 109–10
psychological well-being 7, 8, 125, 202, 225, 233
questions, ‘thought behind’ 47–9, 242–3
randomness 109
rapport 209–10
breaks in 88–9, 209
reciprocity 64–5, 217, 244
recovery plans 165–6
recovery rituals 227, 229
Rees, Tim 151, 219–20
reflecting 45–7, 59, 242
Reivich, Karen 95, 167
rejection 97–131
relaxation 67–8
active and passive 229
stretching 68, 227–9
report writing 66
resilience 4, 5
and intrinsic motivation 116
and ‘not-down-to-me’ 114
reaching for support 95
and self-efficacy 167
and social contact 235–6
strengthening before you need it 100–1, 248
stock-take your strengths 105–6
and visualising a prize 122
and your story 124
respect, as rigid rule (culture of respect) 31–2, 35
‘reversal of fortune’ 128
Ricard, Matthieu 37, 193–4
Ric
hards, Kristi 121–2
rigid rules (must-always, should always) 31–2
changing into flexible preferences 32–4, 37, 79, 92, 182, 210, 241
‘I must always be liked’ 210
‘life must always be fair’ 85, 181–2
‘my boss should like me’ 78–9
rock bottom 118–21, 250
Roddick, Anita 119
Rowling, J.K. 118, 119
rumination vs. distraction 231–3, 259
Sanders, ‘Colonel’ Harland (of KFC) 120
self-efficacy 166–7, 263
self-esteem 106, 136, 209–10
preserving when giving feedback 216–19, 257
protective reactions 223–4
self-scrutiny, banishing 29–31
Silver, Amy 17, 67, 182
Simpsons Movie, The 129
social contact 181, 235–7, 259
social pain 8, 146–7, 183
‘soft vests’ 2
‘solution-focus’ 119
Southern United States, honour culture 36–7
specific-or-universal’ test 111–13, 249
specifics, insisting on 51–2, 243
sports psychology 116–17, 151, 161, 162, 163–5, 218
spotlight effect 30
‘starting-from-zero’ thought experiment 119–20
stock-take your strengths 105–6, 248, 263–4
stories (general), using when under attack 54–6, 243
stories (your story)
being in the cave 128–30, 152, 251, 262
making your mistakes part of 158
standing in the future 130–1, 251
understanding 4
what’s your story? 123–5, 251
straight-talking, and bullshit 176–80
stress
and lack of control 90–2
physical toll 225
and social pain 146–7
stress, coping with
distraction vs. rumination 233
mindful activities 235
social contact 236
‘The Three Cs’ 93–4
stress hormones see cortisol
success
achieving something small to achieve something big 166–8, 254
‘advocate-for-your-success’ 105–6, 120, 248, 263
defining in the face of politics 181, 183
and individual differences 4–5
and optimism 112
and probability 109–10
staircase metaphor 121
and tenacity 109
and withstanding rejection 118
t’ai chi 227, 228
Taleb, Nassim Nicholas 109
‘talent’ myth 4–5
teams and groups
amplification of attitude and feelings 187–8, 192
challenge your assumptions 187–9
focus on individuals 194–7, 256
focus on the positives 197–9, 256
have the confidence to be vulnerable 192–4, 255–6
you don’t need to be in with the in-crowd 184–7, 255
television watching 229
temporary-versus-permanence test 81, 82, 112, 249–50, 264
tenacity 109
testosterone 69, 70, 71, 137, 146, 151, 230, 231
thinking
‘about-me’ error 78, 262
‘all-or-nothing’ to ‘both-and’ 155–6, 253
distortions 14–15, 17–18, 120, 151, 181, 240
mind-reading error 27–9m 78, 189, 241
problem-focused vs. goal focused 82
with our body 226–7
third-party technique 196, 256
Thought Stopping 23
thoughts
accepting and letting go 24–5, 240
dispassionate observation 20, 137–8, 158
externalising 95
(incident–)thought–emotion–behaviour cycle 18–21, 188–9
recognizing negative 25–6, 240
ruminating on 232
‘sled-run’ effect on the brain 70–1
watching them drift 138
Three Cs (commitment, control and challenge) 93–4, 166, 247
Threshold 3, 208
‘too-late’ thinking distortion 120
toxic bosses 75–96
create options 90–2, 247
deflate the drama 86–90, 246
don’t let their problems become your problem 76–80, 245
making them into customers 81–4, 246
your control over 93–5, 247
toxic feedback see feedback
toxic incidents 7–8
amplification 14
decontaminating 15
incident–thought–emotion–behaviour 18–21
trauma
benefits putting into words 125
and perspective 199–201
UFO picture 13
Ungar, Michael 235–6
visualisations 121–3, 228, 250
Vogler, Christopher 128–9, 152
vulnerability, showing 192–4, 255–6
wanting and needing 115–18, 250
Watergate scandal 41
‘why-not-a-zero’ question 198–9
Williams, Kip 8, 190, 191
Williams, Mark 26, 233–4
‘wiser-you’ 25, 44, 156, 157–8
writing things down 174, 181, 264
being honest 126–8
benefits of 125–6, 251
creating narratives 123–5
feedback evaluation 140–2
letters to yourself from the future 101
yoga 227
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Be Bulletproof was very much a collaborative effort. We would like to thank all of those who have generously contributed their time, insight, wisdom and humour: our colleagues at Threshold, Dr Amy Silver, Peter Nicholas, Helen Ayres and Occupational Psychologist Luckwinder Goulsbra; Diane Smith for support with copy; and, for their expertise in sport and performance psychology, Julie Douglas from Loughborough University, Dr Tim Rees, Exeter University, Misha Botting, SportScotland Institute of Sport, and Dr Costas Karageorghis, Brunel University.
We would also like to thank Femi Oyebode, Professor and Head of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Birmingham, for his expertise on the subject or the healing effect of stories, and similarly Professor Dan McAdams, Department Chair of Clinical Psychology and Personality Psychology at Northwestern University.
Thanks, too, to Hollywood screenwriter and writing coach, Robert McKee, for his exceptional authority on the power of story, and to Christopher Vogler, particularly for his expertise in the area of the ‘Hero’s Journey’ and being ‘in the cave’. Similarly we extend our gratitude to Simon Lancaster, leading speech writer, for sharing his tips learnt from working with many leading politicians about communicating under pressure.
Finally, we thank Professor Mark Williams, of the Oxford Mindfulness Centre, University of Oxford, and Professor Kip Williams, for his groundbreaking work in the field of Ostracism and Social Pain.
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