37. Practise switching on emotions
Switching on positive emotions, especially after a knock-back, is not always easy but you can learn to get better and better at it with practice
Using certain thoughts as levers will improve your feelings of optimism and positivity
In your mind do an audit of everything you can be grateful for right now. Include the big stuff and the tiny stuff
On your list of gratitude choose an item on which to dwell
Become aware of your mood changing as you do so
38. Do a stock-take of your strengths …
Bulletproof people regularly de-catastrophise by doing a stocktake of their successes
No success is too small to add to the stock-take
Alternatively, list every success, no matter how small, that you have had on the left-hand side of a piece of paper; on the right-hand side, list the personal strength or attribute that each success evidences
39. Use the advocate-for-your-success exercise
Imagine that you have hired a lawyer to work for you
The job of this lawyer is to seek out and present every possible shred of evidence as to why you should succeed
Make a list
Read through it
Become aware of your mood and energy as you read through it
40. Keep separating the facts from the story
It’s natural to look for interpretation and meaning – but it isn’t always helpful
The facts are what happened, but the story is what we make them mean
Bulletproof people are clear not to confuse fiction with fact
41. Don’t make ‘no’ mean more than it does
We tend to apply our own logic to happenings that are, in reality, pretty random
Tenacity in the face of rejection is a major predictor of success
Bulletproof people don’t make a rejection mean more than it does – they maintain their objectivity
42. Apply the specific-or-universal test
Optimists tend to be more successful than pessimists, and your inner cave dweller is a natural pessimist
Remember to check your underlying assumptions
We often universalise: ‘everyone’, ‘no one’, ‘always’ or ‘never’. Is this actually true?
Remind yourself that a failure, rejection or setback is likely to be specific to that situation
43. Apply the ‘down-to-me’ versus ‘not-down-to-me’ test …
Bulletproof people ask the ‘down-to-me?’ versus ‘not-down-to-me?’ questions when they experience a setback to understand what has really happened
If something was unsuccessful, was it really down to you? Is it really something about you that cannot be changed?
Remind yourself that the answer to at least one – and probably both – of the questions above is likely to be ‘no’
44. Apply the temporary-versus-permanent test
When you are going through a tough time, it probably feels as though things will always be this way
Remind yourself that the tough time that you are going through is almost certainly temporary
Things will change
45. Want it – don’t need it
When we need something, our mind tends to focus on the cost of failure
The emotional impact of losing something is twice as great as that of gaining it
You can want something very much – that’s a healthy form of motivation – but let go of needing it. Whatever the outcome you want, you don’t need it. You can still be a healthy, happy individual, even if it does not happen
Focus on ‘learning’ or ‘process’ goals rather than the outcome. What are the things that will contribute to achieving your goal that are entirely within your influence? Focus on perfecting these one step at a time
46. Imagine starting again from ‘rock bottom’
Think like someone who is starting from zero – everything to gain, nothing to lose
If you were starting from zero, what personal attributes or strengths can you point to that indicate you should succeed?
Bulletproof people are able to generate a sense of renewal and can therefore tap into its source of optimistic energy
47. Use visualisations
Visualise your success as waiting for you on the landing of a staircase, with your rejections being the steps between each landing
Use visualisations to refocus your attention away from unhelpful thoughts towards more supportive ones
On a journey where you need extra resilience to deal with rejection, visualise a worthwhile prize at the end
48. What’s your story? Write it down – put it into words
The power of story helps bulletproof people get through tough periods
Stories capture our imagination, providing coherence and sense-making
Bulletproof people are able to write down a credibly optimistic outcome for their personal story, and clarity increases the likelihood of success
Those who open up and put their traumas into sense-making words recover better than those who don’t
Use the power of words to think things through
49. It’s okay to be in the cave
Remember, like the protagonist of any great story, it is likely that you will spend some time in ‘the cave’
The cave represents the lowest, darkest point in your journey
Remind yourself that like others you’ll come through it, more bulletproof than ever
50. Stand in the future to see things clearly
Our minds are better at thinking imaginatively if we’re in the future looking back as opposed to standing in the present and trying to imagine a way forward
Bulletproof people are able to tell a great story of their journey by imagining themselves in the future when things have worked out successfully
51. Decontaminate criticism by evaluating it objectively
Feedback: some is useful, some is harmless and some is downright toxic
You can’t control the feedback you get, but can control what you categorise as ‘helpful’ and ‘unhelpful’
Bulletproof people put themselves in charge of what they keep and what they discard
You do not have control over the feedback you receive, but remember you do have control over how you evaluate its usefulness, i.e. what to learn from and what to discard
52. View the situation from a different perspective
We never know another person’s intentions in a situation
You can take a view on what a person’s motivations might have been, but always acknowledge the large scope for error
Remember, other people are fallible under pressure – just like us
53. Learn to re-focus your mind
When we get a knock-back, the feeling in our stomach is created by an important neural function – ‘Something is amiss. Better watch out!’
We can’t easily choose what not to think about, but we can choose where to focus our attention
Focus on positive life incidents – even very small ones. This gives you inner strength in tough times
Re-run positive memories in your mind like a movie
Practise turning up the contrast, volume, colour or brightness
54. Identify the benefits of a situation
‘Benefit finding’ is the bulletproof person’s silver lining, which brings insight, new opportunities, etc., following a non-physical assault
If it helps, imagine yourself in the future; challenge yourself to think of every possible benefit that may have arisen out of the tough time that you are going through
55. Decontaminate your mistakes
Reframe and describe the incident, taking the toxic, negative emotions out of it
Note your emotions alongside the facts
Be honest and don’t try to exculpate yourself or shirk your responsibility; describe what happened and how you feel as a result of it
56. De-catastrophise
Catastrophising is a common t
hinking trap that makes incidents hurt us more than they should
Bulletproof people step back from catastrophising, objectively weigh their scenarios and identify what is a credibly optimistic outcome from a situation (one that is both positive and believable)
57. Switch from ‘all-or-nothing’ to ‘both-and’ thinking
Bulletproof people know when they are applying ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking, and change their approach
Don’t extrapolate rules from one incident to cover all situations
Remind yourself that if you have made a mistake it does not mean you have blown everything
Ask ‘Can both this and that be true at the same time?’
You can both slip up and succeed in your goals
58. Describe in factual and neutral terms
Learn to imagine the objective ‘wiser-you’ alongside yourself giving a calm, dispassionate assessment of the situation
Work with the ‘wiser-you’ to remove the heat and toxicity from difficult situations
Describe what happened in purely factual and neutral terms
59. Name the emotion
Bulletproof people know how to train their inner cave dweller by putting their emotions into words
Name the emotion. Try this format: This is what happened (describing in factual and neutral terms); this is how I feel (describing the emotions)
Then add the three vital modifying phrases: ‘About this’ (because it’s specific); ‘right now’ (because it’s temporary); ‘but I’m basically okay’ (because you are)
Re-read the sentence and become aware of how you feel as you do so
60. Focus on what you can change
Set aside the emotional story that seems to want to accompany any failure or setback
View bouncing back as a project; simply identify the things that you can improve upon – things that are directly within your control
Differentiate realistically between what you can affect and what you can’t when it comes to achieving success
Set yourself process goals, that is, goals related to the effort and input that you can control, not outcome goals (in other words, results which you can’t control)
Praise yourself for achieving these goals, and give yourself plenty of small rewards along the way
61. Achieve something small in order to achieve something big
The best way to achieve a big success is to get in the ‘success habit’ by achieving some smaller successes first
First set yourself some more modest and readily achievable goals
Dwell in the feeling and enjoy the success, then set yourself some relatively more stretching goals.
62. Be okay with politics – recognise it for what it is
Politics is mostly defensive. It is about people protecting their own interests
We only see a situation as politics when we’re caught on the wrong side of it; otherwise we say, ‘It’s just the way we are’
Nobody is plotting your downfall – you don’t figure large enough on their radar
Beware of judging too fast, over-emphasising threats or too readily polarising situations as friend or foe. Stand back from the situation, and avoid seeing everything as black and white or good and bad
63. Learn to cut through bullshit
Like office politics, bullshit arises when people create a pretence that we don’t have individual needs
Bulletproof people use straight-talking conversations wisely to cut through bullshit
Pick straight-talking conversations wisely
Use ‘I-speak’, not ‘you-speak’, in your straight-talking conversations
Use ‘interest-driven’, not ‘position-driven’, language
Be honest about your interest but focus on addressing the other person’s interest
64. Reject the martyr syndrome
Corporations might be run by adults, but they aren’t always fair
Bulletproof people avoid being a victim or a martyr to politics
Define success as achieving your higher goals rather than winning at the politics
65. Remember: you don’t need to be in with the in-crowd
Organisations typically evolve into a small group of insiders and a larger group of outsiders
Bulletproof people treat the core group just like a boss, i.e. simply as another customer
You can be respected and valued by the core group without ever trying to enter it
66. Ignore ignoring – and focus on a few good friends
Be objective and remind yourself that it won’t last for ever
Choose a few key relationships and go for quality rather than quantity
Ignore the ignoring – act like the person you want to be treated as
67. Have the confidence to be vulnerable
Vulnerability is disarming – to express it requires strength and confidence
Bulletproof people always remember to ask an adversary for help and advice
68. Divide and influence – it’s better to focus on changing individuals rather than the whole group
It’s far more effective to focus on individual group members for one-to-one conversations
Trying to change team attitudes? Avoid getting the whole team together to do it – collectively, attitudes get amplified and become more entrenched
Bulletproof people avoid reinforcing common group identity in adversarial situations
69. Disarm others with ‘third-party’ compliments
Pay compliments via a third party to win over your adversaries
Make compliments specific and relevant to the individual
Ask advice from your adversaries
Reciprocity and compliments work
70. Focus on what’s working … not on what’s bust
Focus on the positives and not the negatives
Think about what works and learn from it rather than what doesn’t work
Use the why-not-a-zero question, instead of the why-not-a-ten question. Ask others to rate how good a situation is from zero to ten, and then enquire about all of the reasons why the rating was not a zero
71. Borrow some perspective … and get elevated
Bring these to mind when you want to be bulletproof and see how you can learn from them
Who or what are you going to remind yourself of when you want to get a sense of proportion or do the right thing?
72. Give yourself permission to be straight and direct
We avoid honest-feedback conversations with others because we dislike being out of rapport and we are hard-wired to be liked
Being flexible about our need to be liked and be in rapport makes us more effective
Before a straight-talking conversation, remind yourself what you give yourself ‘permission to be’
Remind yourself: I prefer to be liked, but I’m okay if sometimes I’m not liked for a bit
73. Set the context clearly
Start an honest-feedback conversation by setting out the context clearly
Praise generously and authentically, but never as a Trojan horse for criticism
74. Describe the gap
When you give feedback, simply approach it as describing a gap
Point out that the gap is the thing that the two of you will work together to close
Ask a question to show that you are ready and willing to listen – keep it brief, broad and open
75. Always preserve the other person’s self-esteem
Do not criticise – or make assumptions about – the other person’s disposition or character
Stick to talking about the behaviour as you see it
Be prepared to assure the other person at any time that he or she is not under attack
Remind the other person why it feels so important to you to have this conversation – the commitment to a common interest
76. Be clear about what you are asking for
If you have a clear picture in your head of what ‘good’ looks like, be prepared to describe it to the other person
Think of it this way: if the two of you were looking at a screen into the future, what would you want to see actually happening on that screen?
Focus on specific aspects of improvement that are within the other person’s sphere of control or influence
77. Navigate the landmines and pitfalls when giving feedback
Don’t get bogged down in the detail of a specific incident
Refer to the incident and then swiftly move on to the fact that you see it as a pattern and that the pattern has an effect
If you are stuck arguing over evidence, state subjectively how you feel
Agree to listen to feedback in a separate conversation provided that you feel you have been heard and understood
78. Bulletproof your mind through your body
Be prepared for the physical strain that being under fire can have on your body
Keep making healthy choices about diet, exercise and relaxation when under fire
Take regular and frequent short breaks, ideally combined with some gentle physical activity
79. Fake it until you make it
Strike a high-power pose for a couple of seconds if you want to boost your feelings of competitiveness and confidence
Become aware of your physical posture and the effects that it is likely to be having on your levels of testosterone or cortisol
80. Distraction is preferable to rumination
If you find that you’re endlessly turning a problem over in your mind that means you’re ruminating on it
Actively distract yourself from this rumination
Focus instead on practical solutions – and then make a conscious effort to implement them
81. Become more mindful
Meditation improves physical well-being by increasing blood flow and reducing blood pressure
Practise being in the moment, focusing only on the sounds and sights around you
Distraction is better that rumination: read a book, cook, go for a walk, go to the cinema or the theatre
82. Use the power of social contact
Social contact makes us stronger
Consciously appreciate people close to you
Maximise your social contact even when you are not initially in the mood – you will be surprised by the effect it can have
EPILOGUE