But this time when you take part in these familiar pastimes, make sure that you’re focusing on them. Try to avoid letting your mind drift back to the conflict you’re involved in, the injustice you’ve suffered or the attack that’s been made upon you. Whenever your mind wanders, bring it back to the activity – focus on every aspect, every word and every detail of the film or play. If you’re shopping or going for a country walk, really see, hear, and breathe in what’s around you. Imagine you’re in the book you’re reading or really savour the touch and smell of the food you’re cooking. It’s great to do this anyway, but particularly when you really need to switch off.
Summary
Meditation improves physical well-being by increasing blood flow and reducing blood pressure
Practise being in the moment, focusing only on the sounds and sights around you
Distraction is better that rumination: read a book, cook, go for a walk, go to the cinema or the theatre
Use the power of social contact
Dr Michael Ungar is Killam Professor of Social Work at Dalhousie University, Halifax, in Canada. He is a world expert on resilience among young people. Many of those with whom he has worked have suffered severe deprivation in their lives, but the many elements that have provided them with their powers of resilience are relevant to adults working in the corporate world.
One of these is: relationships and social connections. Young people who can rely on strong networks of family and friends are far more resilient that those who don’t have these networks. ‘This is also important for another element of resilience – establishing your identity and finding your place,’ says Dr Ungar. His research has shown that reminding yourself of your social networks helps with bringing about a sense of cohesion and belonging, which is essential for resilience.
Seeing friends and spending time with family also helps when dealing with the stress of being under fire at work, which is an experience that can be compared with bereavement in terms of the stress it causes within an individual. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt writes: ‘Adversity doesn’t just separate the fair-weather friends from the true; it strengthens relationships and it opens people’s hearts to one another.’62 Professor Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, an expert on bereavement at Yale University, conducted research into the effects on people of losing a loved one; many of those in the study reported a greater appreciation of other people in their lives.
‘I’m really not in the mood,’ or ‘Sorry, I’m just no fun at the moment’ might be the immediate response when friends or family ask to see you when you’re feeling under attack or going through a tough time at work, but, as we’ve seen, that immediate response is usually not the best one in these circumstances. You don’t need to be the life and soul of the party, but getting out and tapping into social and familial networks will help you to become more bulletproof. Above all, the human is a social animal; that’s one of the things that makes us exceptional.
Becoming bulletproof requires a change in thinking and, like most things worth learning, it takes a little time and effort, but the good news is that the benefits from using even a few tools from the bulletproof toolbox are obvious almost immediately. When these tools are practised, they become habitual responses to workplace ‘attack’ situations – those that are anticipated as well as those that are not.
When we feel psychologically bulletproof, our confidence expands, relationships improve, judgement and creativity are enhanced and our leadership qualities manifest.
Summary
Social contact makes us stronger
Consciously appreciate people close to you
Maximise your social contact even when you are not initially in the mood – you will be surprised by the effect that it can have
CHAPTER 11
THE BULLETPROOF TOOLKIT – 82 WAYS TO BE BULLETPROOF
1. Become aware of your inner cave dweller
Remember that the legacy of our evolutionary past is always with us
The instinctive responses that evolved because they kept our ancestors alive may have been excellent back then, but they are not always so useful today
2. Learn to guide your cave dweller
The cave dweller reminds us of the sheer power of our automatic responses to situations – listen out for him
Practise calming and quietening your inner cave dweller. Become aware of how you learn to make better choices even in the heat of the moment
3. Be aware of your mind seeking patterns and stories in events
The mind seeks out consistent themes and patterns because it tries to create meaning for us. As natural ‘meaning-makers’, we frequently make things mean more than they do. When we suffer setbacks, failures or assaults we tend to interpret these things as part of a pattern. We expect them to become repeated
Bulletproof people become aware of unhelpful patterns of thought and challenge them
They remind themselves that incidents that have happened do not determine what is likely to happen in the future
4. Challenge your thinking distortions
How we think about things affects the way we feel
The way we feel drives what we do and affects the outcomes we get, and not always for the better
Bulletproof people develop the habit of choosing how to think about an incident or situation
5. Ask ‘What am I making this mean?’
Asking, ‘What am I making this mean?’ helps us to challenge our distortions and understand our thinking errors
Bulletproof people are able to reframe their thoughts and take out the inevitable distortions
6. Positive self-talk
Accept that you’re facing a challenge – don’t deny it
Become aware of draining, weakening self-talk (‘I can’t’) – and drop it
Find a phrase that is honest but positive, such as ‘I can’, and say it to yourself
7. Don’t suppress thoughts – practise letting go
Stepping ‘outside yourself’ and being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important in becoming bulletproof
Developing a calm self-awareness is an essential life skill for bulletproof people
Imagine the ‘wiser-you’, standing alongside yourself and seeing your thoughts and feelings with a bit of objective distance
8. Recognise negative thoughts – let them drift, don’t fight them
See them for what they are: a point of view, and not some objective truth
Observe them dispassionately and watch them float past you
9. Stop mind reading
One of the most common thinking traps is mind reading
Even when we are convinced that we know what is in another’s mind, we are often wrong
Mind reading is not the same as putting yourself in other people’s shoes
Don’t waste time and energy mind reading
10. Remember … nobody noticed …
Bulletproof people know that when they make a mistake most people don’t notice
Bulletproof people liberate themselves from potentially embarrassing situations: ‘Hey! No one is looking at me’
Remember, even a Barry Manilow T-shirt flies under most people’s radar
11. Modify your rigid rules into flexible preferences
The rules we define about ourselves help us to create the sense of a consistent self, but we lose effectiveness when our personal rules become too rigid
Bulletproof people don’t maintain must-always and should-always rigid rules
Bulletproof people develop flexible preferences: ‘If that doesn’t happen, I’m okay’; ‘I prefer to … but I’m okay if …’
Bulletproof people are like flexible trees, swaying in the harshest wind but never losing their firm rooting
12. Don’t let your cave dweller pick your fights
Bulletproof people pick their battles wisely
They recognise that while their inner cave dweller has th
e urge to settle a score or avenge a slight, they are capable of choosing a wiser and more beneficial course of action
Bulletproof people calm and guide their inner cave dweller in order to make the wisest choices
Let the small stuff go, fight only the important battles and fight them with guile, and with a calm focus
13. Turn criticisms around
Wrong-foot your opponent by not defending an attack
Take breath and a pause, and then move on to what you want to talk about
Phrases like ‘I need to consider what gave you that impression’ make you sound proactive but emphasise the fact that it is an impression only
14. Use pauses and silence to your advantage
Pause and breathe
Do not be scared to allow a moment of silence before you respond
Take a moment to note how you feel during a confrontational conversation
Identify the thoughts that are leading to these emotions
Remind yourself that your thoughts and emotions are not accurate dispassionate ‘truths’ about the situation
15. ‘Reflect’ before responding
Reflect back to the other person what they have said (and how they feel), without putting any spin on it
Develop rapport – make it clear that you understand and share their concerns
Make a personal reference wherever possible
16. Ask for the ‘thought behind the question’
Before you answer a question, consider the thought behind it. This is the issue that the questioner is really concerned about
Make sure that your answer to the question addresses this thought, or else use a question in return to tease out more details
17. Shift the focus on to the other person’s underlying interest
Do not take up a position
Enquire about the other person’s underlying interest
Shift the focus on to the desire to meet common interests
18. Insist on specifics
Take the sting out of hostile comments by asking for specific details
Politely but firmly drill down to find exactly what the questioner is concerned about
Once you’ve identified these precise concerns, explain how you’ll act on them
If someone suggests that they doubt your competence to deliver something, don’t immediately defend – ask specifically what would allay their concerns
19. Show that you share the same values
Match and reflect the emotions of your audience
Show that you have the same values as your audience
Then explain what action you’re going to take
20. Use stories in communication when under attack
Use the power of stories to take your audience on a journey with you
Having a problem solved, a question answered or a challenge overcome will keep them on board and help persuade them
21. Place an issue into a context that works for you
Aim to put an argument or an issue into context
Pan back from the issue in question to look at the whole organisation or the whole sector or even the state of the country
Explore the extremes – and then show why you’ve opted for your choice, which is the best of both worlds
22. Correct inaccuracies when the storm has passed
Don’t correct an inaccuracy during the heat of the moment – wait until emotions are more stable
When you do correct an inaccuracy acknowledge that you in no way diminish the underlying issues and the feelings caused
23. Show concern for your assailant
Showing concern for the person who might be seen to be attacking is often more effective than counter-attack
Suggest that an assault on you may stem from you assailant having difficulties or being under pressure elsewhere
24. Outflank your opponent’s point of view
Establish rapport by listening and reflecting concerns
Once you are in rapport, play back the other person’s issue or concern, but make a point of overstating it
If your best option is to apologise, it is better to over-apologise than risk being seen to under-apologise
25. Use the principle of reciprocity
Giving ground over a small issue and accepting a point that is obviously of concern to your opponent establishes a rapport that improves communication and helps you win the bigger battle
Your adversary is likely to reciprocate with a larger gesture in your favour
26. Treat presentations like a performance
Remember – those nerves are there to help you, to improve your performance, and not to make life more difficult
Become aware of your body gearing up for a performance, and remind yourself to welcome the sensation
Use physical stretches and preparation to relax mind and body like any athlete would before a performance
Visualise the butterflies in your stomach lining up in formation, as if they mean business
27. Practise drawing on different levels of confidence
You have the full range of levels of confidence within you
Become aware of what you are like at each level and practise moving between them
Think of moments when you were at a ‘level 10’ and play the movie in your head whenever it helps
Sometimes you’ll be aware of a drop in confidence. Remind yourself that that’s fine
Take a breath and imagine yourself ‘breathing in’ a higher level of confidence
28. Create an ally among your audience in advance
If you have a meeting or presentation coming up with a tough group, contact one individual from that group in advance
Point out how much you respect this person’s opinion
Ask his or her advice as to the best way to approach the meeting or presentation
This will flatter the individual and give him or her a perceived stake in your success
29. Don’t let your boss’s problem become your problem
Bosses aren’t exceptionally virtuous or malevolent – they’re actually fallible humans with all the usual insecurities
It’s unlikely you loom as large on your boss’s radar as you assume – it’s unlikely that your boss’s behaviour is intentionally directed at you
Don’t waste time hoping for your boss to change – it’s easier for you to change your behaviour than for you to change your boss’s
Remember, you almost certainly have higher emotional intelligence than your boss, therefore you are the one who is best placed to navigate the relationship
30. Make your boss a customer
Your boss is first and foremost a customer; knowing this implies a healthy distance
Your boss is transient; you need to navigate this relationship until you can move on
Bulletproof people put themselves in the driving seat by creating options for themselves
Identify the extent of control and influence you have and use it to the maximum
31. Remember life may not be fair, but you can live with it
People often end in a dead end by being determined to satisfy their innate desire for fairness
A strong belief in fairness can often lead to unproductive behaviours
When ‘It’s not fair’, calm your inner cave dweller. Bulletproof people say, ‘I’m okay and can live with it’
32. Deflate the drama
Avoid drawing attention to your boss’s behaviour – avoid becoming an emotionally high-maintenance employee
In conversation with a toxic boss, take a deep, easy breath before responding
Puncture a person’s silence ploy by drawing attention to it – ‘Are you still there?’
Bulletproof people minimise any sense of drama by keeping their tone adult and businesslike
Bulletproof people don’t take on the role another person is nudging them to play – they know how to break the rapport
If you want to change your boss’s mind about something,
don’t suggest that her initial judgement was wrong; instead suggest that the situation has changed or new information has come to light
33. Create options
Stress at work is often accompanied by feelings of helplessness as confidence falls and our focus narrows
Stress comes less from job demands and more from the lack of control we have when delivering against those job demands
To reduce stress and become more resilient, consider how to increase your own control, freedom and latitude to make decisions – create new options for yourself
Create leverage with your boss’s boss
Like any good supplier, you should always be looking out for more fruitful and productive customers
You do not need to use them – just having them empowers you
34. Use the three Cs: control, challenge and commitment
You have power over the way you think about and relate to your boss
Challenge yourself to identify any aspects, large or small, in the current situation over which you have control – and take action O Consider dealing with them to be a challenge and an opportunity rather than a hopeless task
If you are under pressure do not reduce your commitment. Increase your commitment to your work
Don’t let the problems you’re experiencing with them damage your relationships with others
35. Find a mentor
Bulletproof people are more resilient and have no concerns about reaching out for support when they need it
Having a mentor has been shown to be extremely effective, even when the mentor does not do a great deal
Bulletproof people externalise their thoughts by describing them to another person – even imaginary – to gain perspective and make better choices
Find a mentor – even an imaginary one
36. Teach yourself to be resilient before you need it
Resilience can be learnt – you can develop and strengthen it
Bulletproof people strengthen their resilience before they have a knock-back
Imagine yourself in the future: write yourself a ‘worth-it’ letter from you in the future to you in the present, explaining why sticking at it was worth it