It Only Happens in the Movies, Page 26

  I giggled, and it set Dougie off. And soon, as the night grew later, we stopped being two messed-up siblings dealing with the horrors of our parents’ divorce, and seeped back into being a brother and sister, staying up too late and taking the piss out of each other.

  And, in that moment, I didn’t feel alone. I felt so full of love that, at 3 a.m., I fell asleep the moment my head met my pillow.

  The course of finding true love cannot run smoothly. Hero and heroine can never simply meet, get along, kiss and The End.

  Nope.

  We need an OBSTACLE for them to overcome before they’re allowed to disappear into the sunset. This usually involves one of them messing up in some way, about seventy per cent into the movie. To make the audience think they’re not going to make it.

  However, these big mistakes can’t be too big. The audience still has to root for the couple. So they make “cute” mistakes, like lying, but only for a really plausible reason. Or freaking out about the strength of their feelings and going cold, but not in a too harsh, unforgivable way. Then, of course, this minor misunderstanding can be sorted out at the ninety-five per cent mark, allowing for the big finish.

  PS: Most of these big mistakes in romance films could be resolved if the couple only had a freakin’ conversation. But for reasons unknown, lovers in films seem incapable of sitting down and having it out over a cup of tea.

  The winter sun shone directly into my eyes, rousing me from my uneasy sleep.

  I’d not closed my curtains before collapsing into bed. So, at around eight, I blinked awake, moaned and shoved my head under my pillow.

  It took about ten seconds to remember everything that had happened.

  It crashed through my skull like a burst water pipe, spilling everywhere. The smashing sound of china, the scissors on Mum’s wrist, Dad’s quiet voice saying, “I choose her.” And, you know what? Maybe it was a good idea to spend the day running away from zombies. I felt like I needed to pummel the shock and grief out of my system. I still didn’t have a message from Harry though and it pissed me off. I could guess why – he’d just got too wasted too quickly. I’d been dating him long enough now to know how quickly he could fling himself into oblivion. But he wasn’t to know what had happened last night and I couldn’t handle being pissed off at him on top of everything else. I tiptoed to the bathroom, not hearing any stirrings from Mum or Dougie, peed, washed, then returned to my room to dig out some running stuff. Still no message from Harry. But I’d see him soon enough and he could smile with his teeth and pull my head into his armpit and tell me he’d missed me and complain about being hungover and everything could be golden and normal for a day.

  Audrey: You still on for today? Or you dying? X

  It took a while to find my proper trainers. They’d lain abandoned at the bottom of my cupboard since the end of Year Eleven and compulsory PE lessons. I was also lacking in the jogging bottom department. But I shoved on some leggings, a T-shirt and hoodie and spent some time scraping all my long hair into a ponytail. Even though the run was advertised as “only” 3k and “fun”, I was still slightly concerned about Harry’s and my physical abilities. I hadn’t worked up a sweat doing anything other than, well, unspeakable things with Harry for about two years. And Harry smoked, drank, took drugs, and I’d only seen him eat one piece of fruit during our entire courtship. In short, we were going to get caught by zombies very early.

  If we even got there on time… It was almost nine and the race started at ten. I was about to call Harry, wondering how much he’d hate me if I woke him, when my phone went off. It was him.

  “Audrey?” He sounded like a bear. A bear with a cold that had been up all night screaming karaoke.

  I broke into a smile. It was so nice to hear his voice after everything. “Speaking.”

  He coughed violently for a few seconds, his voice even hoarser when he was back on the line. “You okay? You didn’t come last night?”

  “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later. You are still on for today, right?”

  “What? Yeah. Of course.” More coughing. “Umm, when is it?”

  “In an hour.”

  “Shit. Okay. I’ll be round in fifteen minutes, I guess.”

  He hung up before I had a chance to ask how last night had gone. Puzzled, I shrugged and put my phone in my hoodie pocket, and crept downstairs to have a small breakfast. The state of downstairs still shook me up a bit. It would be harder for Mum when she saw it for the first time and I felt a stab of guilt for running off today. But mostly I just felt relieved that Dougie was there, that it wasn’t just down to me. I put the mugs from last night into the dishwasher and plucked a banana off the bunch – finding some glass shards I’d missed the night before. I swept them into a paper towel and shoved them in the bin. Then I took the banana and went to wait for Harry on the wall.

  It was another gorgeous day with a hint of spring lacing the air. I didn’t even feel that cold. I ate my fruit and checked my phone. Nine twenty-five. We were really pushing it. Just as I considered firing off a trying-not-to-nag message, I heard the revving engine of Tad’s car. Harry pulled up in front, and my first sense that something was wrong was that he didn’t turn to smile hello. He just stared right ahead out of the windscreen. Not even pulling the handbrake up. I shoved my banana peel into the wheelie bin and climbed into the car. There was no music playing. More weirdness.

  “Hey, you made it,” I said brightly, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. “You ready to be chased by zombies?”

  “Hey. Yeah, it should be good.” He didn’t turn, didn’t smile. Just pulled into first gear and started three-point turning.

  He looked like utter shit. Not even his handsomeness could carve through what looked like one hunky-dory of a hangover. He’d stuffed his hair into his beanie, stubble littered his chin, his eyes were more slit than eye, his skin all grey and sallow. And he…well…smelled a little. And not in his regular gorgeous way. More a stale sweetness that made my nose wrinkle.

  “Harry, are you okay?”

  “Me? What? Oh yeah, I’m fine. Drank too much. You all right?”

  I squirmed in my seat, annoyed he had only asked now. “Well, no, not really. About last night…”

  He did turn to me then. “What about it?”

  “Well, it’s nothing.” I squirmed in my seat. Had he not seen my message? “Well it isn’t. It’s just, Mum went a bit crazy. It was quite intense. She ended up in hospital.”

  A curious collection of emotions crossed Harry’s grey face, none of which I could figure out. He gulped, he flinched, his hands tightened on the wheel. He focused on the road.

  “Shit, Audrey. Is she okay? Are you okay?”

  “Umm, she’s all right. Dougie’s with her. I’m all right. I tried ringing you…” I let it trail there, not sure how naggy it would come across if I finished the sentence. Harry had sped us through town now and we were out in country lanes. I saw my first Zombie Run! This way sign – all red stop signs and garish font. I would’ve felt excited if I didn’t feel conflicted by Harry’s response.

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I…er…well, Rob made me do absinthe the moment we arrived. It was…I was…”

  I tried to smile. “Probably not in a fit state to be doing a 3k run this morning then.”

  A short burst of laughter. “Ha! No. But it will be fun.” He smiled, but his eyes winced as he did. He reached out and patted my knee, which made me feel much worse rather than better.

  I was trying not to feel pissy about his reaction. Trying not to judge his response to my mum news. But I wasn’t impressed. He’d not asked any more questions, wanted any more detail. I mean, it wasn’t like I was expecting him to be a professional therapist or something but still…he didn’t seem fussed. My mum had gone to hospital! We slowed into a line of traffic and men in yellow reflective jackets appeared to direct us all into some muddy field. Everyone in the surrounding cars looked ten million times healthier than us – suited up in Lycra and all gl
owy of face. Harry muttered and grumbled and didn’t really look at me as we were guided into a parking space. Then he pulled up the handbrake and was up and out, leaving me to scramble after him.

  “Harry? Something is up.”

  He kept walking, not looking at me. “What? No! It’s just, doesn’t it start soon?”

  I took his hand and he turned and gave me his wince-smile again, making me want to let go. We funnelled into a crowd of other latecomers. Everyone else seemed to be in big groups, mostly men, all taking the piss out of each other and joking about how long they’d last. There were fake body parts strewn around the field and dangling from trees, dramatic signs everywhere.

  CONTAGION ZONE – DO NOT ENTER.

  Loud eerie music blasted from speakers set up in the trees. It was everything I’d hoped it would be, everything I’d thought Harry would love. But his face was still grim and unresponsive. So I let go of his hand and walked to the side of the people river, crossing my arms, waiting for him to realize and follow me. Which he did.

  “What’s up?” No eye contact.

  “I’m not going any further until you tell me what the hell is going on,” I said. “We just passed an actual burned-out car and you’re not even excited. Tell me.”

  He looked over my shoulder and I thought, Oh God, something bad has happened, but then he took a deep breath and finally, finally made eye contact.

  “Audrey, I’m sorry.” He smiled. And this time most of his face was involved. “I’m just really, really hanging. Please, don’t be angry. I’m not being off, I’m just trying really hard not to vomit.”

  His smile always made me smile back. “Is that all?”

  He nodded. “Yes, that’s all. Honestly. It’s just whenever I open my mouth, I get scared I’m going to legit puke.”

  “Harry we’re about to run 3k. We’re about to get CHASED for 3k.”

  “I’m trying to pretend that isn’t happening.”

  Just then a huge siren went off, startling everyone. “EVACUATION HAS BEGUN, EVACUATION HAS BEGUN. WE ARE NOT SAFE, I REPEAT, WE ARE NOT SAFE. GET TO THE MEETING AREA STAT.”

  Everyone cheered, whooped, some people screamed. Harry and I met eyes again and both giggled.

  “I don’t think this is something you’re going to be able to ignore,” I told him.

  “Argh, come here.” He pulled me in for a hug and it was everything I needed. I smushed my face right into him, even if he did smell a bit, feeling better, whole. Then he turned and whispered in my ear, all dramatically, “If I fall, you have to go on without me, Audrey. Leave me behind, okay? If you love me, you’ll live. For me. Live for me.”

  I laughed, clicking into the joke. “I can’t live without you,” I said in a hysterical female voice. “I’d rather zombies eat my brains than live even one day without you.”

  Harry’s body shook with laughter. “We’ll make it through, Audrey. The zombies may have being undead on their side, and super-speed, and, well, the function organizers have probably hired professional runners but…our love…our love can help us beat them.”

  And, just like that, things were okay again. The siren blared louder and Harry flung his arm around me casually and we walked to the starting point where hundreds of runners were gathered, looking expectantly at a giant TV screen.

  “We need to register,” I said, and Harry steered us to this little tent, splattered in fake blood. There was no queue, just a harassed-looking woman dressed in one of those plastic forensic suits, playing on her phone. “Oh,” she said, when she saw us. She coughed. “I mean, you’re late. The evacuation is about to begin.” Her voice was deliberately over-the-top, and I couldn’t help but judge her obvious lack of acting talent.

  “Sorry,” I said. “But we’re here.”

  “Give me your names. You may just make it to the boat in time.”

  She ran through a list, before finding our names and crossing them off in pencil. She handed us numbered stickers to attach to our fronts as well as five coloured scarves which she told us to tuck into our trousers. Then, in her normal voice she said, “Toilets are around the back. Be quick if you need to go, it really is about to start.”

  We emerged from the tent into the bright sunlight. “Do you need the…” I began to ask Harry, but deafening music started and the face of an actor dressed as a politician appeared on the giant screen. The whole field went nuts. People cheering or booing. Harry grabbed my hand in excitement and pulled me forward to get a better view.

  “Hello? Hello? Are you receiving me?” The actor on the screen said and everyone cheered, while I winced. “Okay, let’s hope so. There’s no easy way to put this, folks. Parliament has fallen. The zombies have breached the walls. The Prime Minister is dead.” Everyone cheered at that. Some macho guy next to me, made entirely of protein powder, laughed and said, “I wish.”

  The actor coughed. “We’ve arranged evacuation for survivors. Boats to the Isle of Wight leave in an hour. For safety reasons, they will leave with or without us. You’ve got to make your way through the woods to get there. It’s okay, it’s clear. We checked, we’re going to be fine, everyone. Bravery comes when you most need it…” Just then a zombie appeared to the side of the screen and launched himself at the man. More screams and cheering.

  Harry turned to me and said, “This. This is the best thing ever!”

  The actor clambered at the screen and yelled, “THEY’VE BREACHED THE WOODS. THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…” And then he was pulled out of shot again and the camera was splattered with blood. The screen turned to fuzz and everyone around us went ballistic.

  “My hangover just vanished.” Harry pulled me in to nuzzle my neck. “Why do I have such an amazing girlfriend who takes me to such perfect things?”

  I smiled. “Shh, we’re missing the instructions.”

  A bossy lady in an official-looking costume walked under the screen and started explaining the rules through a loudspeaker.

  “There will be many paths through the woods to the finish line. Some longer than others. There is no right or wrong way. Though there are some ways that are more…infected than others.” Everyone cheered again. “Choose carefully.”

  “Oh God, I am worried about legitimately having to run,” I said to Harry, pulling my body further into him. Craving close contact after his weird mood. “I can only run lines.”

  He kissed my forehead and hugged me back. “We’ll stick together. It will be fine. It will be fun!”

  The lady barked out further instructions. “You have five tags attached to you. The zombies will try and snatch these off you. The aim is to get to the finish line without losing all your tags. If you do lose them, the woods are full of supervisors wearing yellow jackets. Find them, and they’ll escort you to the losers’ area.”

  Everyone booed.

  They’d started to shuffle us towards an inflatable starting arch. People were half listening, half going over their game plans with friends, some stretching their legs and arms. My phone buzzed, the vibrate pulsing through my hoodie.

  “Bollocks. I forgot to leave my phone in the car. Do you think I can run with it okay in my pocket?” I asked Harry, who kept a protective arm around me as they squidged us in closer.

  “Are you ready?” the lady yelled. Everyone whooped, the energy floating off the crowd like vapour clouds.

  “Maybe it’s Mum.” I pulled my phone out and unlocked the screen. An unknown number.

  Then my heart fell out.

  Harry and I got together last night. I thought you should know. Rosie.

  The screen blurred as nausea raced through my shaking hands, plummeting through my stomach. My face drained of blood.

  No.

  No no no no no no no no no.

  Harry’s voice.

  “Hey? Audrey? What’s wrong?”

  No.

  No no no no no no.

  The nausea felt sour, like my insides were pickled. My face flushed with heat. I couldn’t…couldn’t…


  “READY? TEN, NINE, EIGHT…”

  I made myself look at Harry, whose face was arranged into puzzlement. Concern even. I could hardly bear to look at him. Everything hurt, and yet everything was numb at the same time. I held up my phone. Watched his face as he read the message. Watched as his mouth fell open, eyes bulged.

  “Audrey, it’s not what it looks like. Audrey! Audrey.”

  I was turning away. Looking for an exit but we were crammed right in with the runners, excitedly counting along, waiting for the gun. I’d already been shot. I was bleeding out on the muddy grass.

  “What the hell does it look like then?” I snapped back, part of me floating above myself, thinking what a clichéd line that was. That I was acting in a bad movie. “While I watched my mum go to hospital, you were fucking someone else. What else does it look like?”

  “Please, Audrey. I can explain.” Oh God, this really was a bad movie.

  “GO!” A gun fired and the crowd rushed forward, pushing us along, euphoria and excitement blending with the shock and horror falling off me in chunks. I let myself get jostled along to the side, trying to lose Harry.

  We got together last night…

  Last night, while my mum bled onto our floorboards, smashed all our belongings, trashed our house, held a blade to her wrist. While I desperately tried to clean up a spill that just kept spilling…he was…he was…

  I was at the side, runners streaming past me like a herd of gazelles. I saw Harry’s hat bob and weave through them, his face desperate, eyes searching for me. I’m not sure why I waited for him but he got through, people swearing at him as he bumped into them. I crossed my arms. The tears not here yet. The shock still too raw.

  “Audrey!”

  I shook my head, shrugged him off as he tried to grip my shoulders. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

  “Please. Let’s go somewhere.”

  “That’s why you didn’t pick up your phone last night, isn’t it?” Things fell into place. Puzzle pieces of a painful jigsaw assembled themselves in the air.