Do Anything I Shall Comment

Do Anything, I Shall comment

  ****

  By Hiranya Borah

  Copyright 2017 Hiranya Borah

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  Preface

  This book is only for laugh, no offence please. The ebook is written out of cheer imagination; no link with any living or dead person. If you find any resemblance with any character living or dead with any of the characters of the book, it is nothing but a coincidence only. Hope my readers will like the book.

  Thanks to my readers and friends and above all my family for their constant support to write something usual and unusual. I love them all.

  Author

  Chapter I: You Marry, My comment

  A few years ago, a 59 year old senior officer married a 30 year old spinster after death of his first wife.

  The reactions of the male officers at least ten years' junior in service and age:

  ‘Oh, what an example he has set for us! He convinced us that we should not be disheartened in reaching the age of fifty, we have also bright future! Only luck should be on our side!’

  The reactions of some of the female officers at least ten years' junior in service and age:‘He might be after us also. Anyway we are safe now!’

  The reactions of some of other female officers at least ten years' junior in service and age:’Humlog kiya mor gayi thi? (Are we dead horse for him?) Poor blind fellow!’

  Those female officers and officials who were between 30 and 49, they commented, ‘we respected this fellow like our own father (elder brother), but he came out to be a man with roving eyes. Now, we understand why he was so sweet with us in his talking. Had he not been our senior, we would not have gone to his room even when we were in dire straits!’

  However, some of them were not that adverse about his marriage, ‘We heard some of the old men are very good in ---. He may be also very good ---.’

  A serious young lady might have told, ‘Do you still think he is doing the right thing? I would have used my shoes on his face had he approached me!’

  ‘That is why he had not approached you.’ There might by some giggles.

  A young lady officer of 25 working under him asked a senior lady, ‘Should I go to his room alone? Will you accompany me to his room, whenever I have to visit his room in future?’

  Finally, comment from his earlier boss (retired ten years ago): ‘What a lucky fellow! We are still looking at the same 65 year old vintage car, neither I can drive, nor anybody is willing to drive, not sure even about the engine whether it can be ignited or not!’ No, it was not the ultimate comment. The ultimate comment came from a friend of this officerbefore his wife.

  A friend of the senior officer commented on his marriage before his wife, ‘When his wife died, I was the first man to reach his home with a poker face. I did not find any word to console him for few minutes. Finally, when I tried to console him, he told me that death and life are in the hands of God. Then for one hour, he consoled me as if my wife (you) had died, not his wife. I was a fool who could not understand underlying meaning of his consolation. Actually, he was telling me, within a few days you will cry for your hard luck and you people will start envying me forever for my good luck!’

  Chapter II: You Passed, My comment

  The moment result of board examination is declared, we ponder how many our near and dear candidates have appeared in that examination. Near and dear includes your relative, your colleagues, friends and neighbours.

  Then if you are of my age (55), you may ask your spouse to help you out in completing list of candidates, as at my age you are likely to forget someone’s name. Once you complete the list, you will look for the mobile and start dialling to the candidates or to their parents one by one. If any name is missing in the contact list, you will ask your father/ mother/ spouse/ son/ daughter/ brother/sister to give the number so that you can know the result of that paricular candidate. If none can provide the number, you may telephone to a common relative/ friend to know the number. Once you are able to know the result of the candidate, how you will react? Some reactions are listed below:

  You are a father and your children already passed that examination few years ago. The candidate’s result is better than your children’s result.

  On telephone, ‘Oh, that is great! All the best to him/her. God bless him/her.’ After disconnecting you will tell to your wife, ‘So and so got so much percentage. Now a days marks are given liberally, otherwise how this dumb fellow can get more marks than ---!’

  You are a mother and your children already passed that examination few years ago. The candidate’s result is better than your children’s result. On telephone, ‘Oh, is it! Our brother/sister/ friend’s (take a name) son/daughter, got--- marks (that must be more than the candidate’s marks). All the best to him/her. God bless him/her.’

  After disconnecting the telephone, you will tell to your husband, ‘He/she got so much percentage. Now a days marks are given liberally. Otherwise how he/she can get so much marks!’

  If however, that fellow gets less marks, then either a father or mother, you may repeat the marks of your children and try to boost up the moral of the candidate by saying, ‘Marks are not everything in life.’

  After disconnecting the telephone, you will tell to your spouse, ‘He/she got so much percentage. He/ she does not deserve more. His/ her parent had never learnt how to look after their children properly!’

  The young ones are normally do not react like the way the elderly are reacting before and behind the candidate or his/her parent. But definitely all of your cousins will telephone you to know your result, some of them may telephone you for the first time in his/her life.

  Chapter III: Beauty of Spouse, My comment

  If your wife is beautiful, every relative, every friend, boss and subordinates are bound to give some comments. If she is not beautiful, then people around you are so happy that they will give weird comments. Let us enjoy some of those comments:

  If your wife is beautiful, both male and female elderly relatives, ‘We have to find a beautiful girl for our son. If we cannot find a more beautiful girl than this one, at least she should be as beautiful as this girl. Otherwise, we are going to lose prestige in front other relatives of us!’

  If your wife is beautiful, your male friends will comment in front of you, ‘How could you find such a beautiful lady as your wife!’

  In mind or in your absence they will say, ‘How a dumb man like – can manage to get such a beautiful lady. Hope a divorce does not take place within a short time!’

  Or in the extreme case, some of them will comment, ‘We should try our luck on this lady as she is likely to cheat this dumb fellow!’

  Your female friends will say in front of you, ‘Soooo sweet. She is very beautiful!

  Behind you and your wife they may say, ‘What beauty? She is having one inch make-up! In reality she may be looked like a monkey!’

  Your boss will only lick his lips without giving any audible comment.

  Your subordinates will compliment you on your face and in the back they will say, ‘The beautiful girl decides to marry the job, not the old hack. She might be forced to do that! Poor girl!’

  If she is not beautiful, then people around you are so happy that they will give these types of comments in your absence without giving any audible comment in front of you.

  All elderly relatives, ‘She might have brought huge amount of money wit
h her. Actually his father had sold his son! We shall never do that to our son for money.’

  Later on you will come to know that they are also in search of a lady with huge amount of dowry, hopefully little better looked than your wife.

  Your female friends will say in front of you, ‘She is very graceful.’

  Behind you and your wife, they will say, ‘What an ugly lady? Even with one inch make-up she looks horrible! Without makeup she can compete with a monkey only!’

  Your boss will be very happy as he knows that you will not mind to sit late in the office and you will be ready to go on tour for more than 25 days in a month.

  Your subordinates will be extremely unhappy as they fear that you will not mind to sit late in the office and you will insist them also to sit late in the office. But they will also have some sadistic pleasure for the obvious reason.

  For a handsome husband, a wife is not worried about the comments, but worried about her lady friends who use to encircle her husband like honey-bees.

  She may be most comfortable with an odd-looking husband. But now time has changed. Even an odd looking husband with a fat salary is on heavy demand in the market of re-marriage!

  You (male) cannot hide your beautiful wife from your friends, but you (female) can hide his salary slip from your friends.

  Comments on husband hardly matter to a wife so long he behaves like Doberman who is a ‘one master dog’ who is ferocious for others but behaves like a pussy-cat before his master (wife in this case).

  Chapter IV: Your Son’s Marriage, My comment

  Comments on your daughter in law will be similar as that of comments on your wife few decades ago, depending on how much she is beautiful or she is not that beautiful.

  However, on your son’s marriage, a few more comments will be given in front of you and in the back.

  If the party is good, in front, everybody will praise you for such a wonderful party and in the back they will say, ‘Blatant show of black money! Expectations for others will also go up. This creates social tension’ and so on.

  If the party is not as per expectation, in front, none will comment for such a lack-lustre party and in the back they will say, ‘What you can expect more from a miser like him! He kept all his money for his son whatever cash he got as dowry! He should not have called so many people, if he cannot provide proper food and drinks to the guests!’

  Chapter V: Marriageable Daughter, My comment

  If despite of your best efforts you cannot find a suitable boy for your only daughter, all your relatives and friends will ask, ‘Are you not taking any interest in your daughter’s marriage? Time will pass and your daughter will remain un-married.’

  Or

  ‘When we are going to attend your daughter’s marriage? You do not want to give a party; is not it?’

  These are the statements they will make before you to make you feel that you are a hopeless father.

  In the back they will say, if your daughter is not working but beautiful, ‘He is looking for a boy with high income. Who on the earth, with good position will marry a girl without income, even if she is beautiful!’

  If your daughter is not very beautiful and does not have a regular income, ‘He is looking for a boy with high income with good look for that ugly girl. Who on the earth, with good position will marry an ugly girl even without income! They must be in fools’paradise!’

  If your daughter is very beautiful and has a regular income, may be high also, ‘Both father and daughter are very proud. They do not want to compromise on any accounts, including income of the boy, family of the boy and look of the boy. The girl will never get a boy in this life.’

  Some may also accuse, ‘He is not interested in her marriage. He is enjoying her salary!’

  The ladies who are known to your wife will give some comments to your wife which may shatter her heart. In turn your wife will accuse you, ‘For last thirty years, I knew that you are a worthless husband. Now I realized that you are also the most worthless father in the world.’

  Luckily in the urban areas, no neighbour will bother to ask you any question on any matters including marriage of your child. In most of the cases, they will not care even to know about the lady who is residing with you is your wife or sister or even daughter. Viva, urban life of India!

  Chapter VI: Do Anything, I Shall comment

  Whatever, you do, I shall comment before you and behind you. Suppose you donate Rupees one hundred thousand to an orphanage, I shall tell you in front of you, ‘You have done a wonderful job!

  Behind you I shall comment, ‘He has reduced the burden of black money!’

  If your son gets a job, I shall say, ‘When I shall get sweets?’

  Behind you, I shall say, ‘He must have bribed a hefty amount to the employer to get the job.’

  So try to do something before me, I shall have two comments to make; one before you and another one behind you. What do you think of me? Huh!

  The author is a Government servant and a man of vivid experiences derived from his official postings across the country, travels across India and numerous visits outside India. He is presently placed at New Delhi.

  His earlier publications are:

  1. Random Thoughts through a Coloured Prism

  2. Dilemma of a Young Mind

  3. Funny Statistics and Serious Statisticians

  4. Melody of Fragrance

  5. Akhadya

  6. Few Cities through the Lens of Hiranya Borah

  7. Guilt: Gift of Winter Spring

  8. Beautiful Ghost

  9. Great Fighters: Grace of God

  10. All Blurred

  11. Putting kids to sleep

  12. How to become unpopular

  13. Soulmates

  14. My grumpy Face

  15. Love and Worries

  16. Discussion of own Birth: A Taboo

  17. Interview

  18. Indecent Love Affairs

  19. My Fair Lady

  20. Waiting time

  21. Two Stories

  22. My Mother: Dashami Borah

  23. Parineeta

  24. Manorama

  25. Unwanted

  26. First Attempt

  27. A father

  28. The Portrait

  29. Snapped Thread

  30. Only He Knows

  31. The Stupid Mother

  32. The Same Old Story

  33. The Old Scoundrel

  34. Third Attempt

  35. Some of my First Days and First Nights

  36. Snubbed Twice

  37. Have You Met the God

  38. Frequent Flier

  39. Messiah

  40. Forgive and Forget

  41. To Win or to lose

  42. Call Girl

  43. Beyond Blood Relation

  44. Lady with a Black Car

  45. My wife

  46. Complete Woman

  47. Diwali Gift

  48. Romance with a Lady

  49. Open Heart Surgery

  50. My First Love

  51. Replacement

  52. Pebbles on My Way Home

  53. My First Bengali Book

  54. Murder Mystery

  55. Niharika

  56. Swapping

  57. Make a Habit to Thank God

  58. Killing of a Bird

  59. The Hero

  60. Fantasy versus Reality

  61. The Party

  62. Road Rage

  63. Death of a Friend

  64. Cannot Live with Memory Only

  65. None Cares for Me

  66. A Tribute to My Guru

  67. Two Professionals

  68. The Choice

  69. The Elusive Spouse

  70. First Encounter with A P

  71. Plane Crash

  72. Plane Crash Part-II

  73. Plane Crash Part-III

  74. Abducted

  75. A Bag of Currency

  76. Suitable Groom

  77. Head Hunters


  78. My Dear Sister

  79. Selection While Waiting at the Airport

  80. Oh Shit

  81. Perverse

  82. He Got Back His Wife

  83. Beautiful Faces

  84. Elder Sister

  85. Good Morning

  86. Prey

  87. Pass on your Death to Someone Else

  88. Colour of Holi

  89. Why blame others

  90. A Forbidden Issue

  91. Hat-trick of Failures

  92. Agony of Writers

  93. Contrasts

  94. Three Directors

  95. An Unusual Love Affair

  96. Birth Day

  97. Do not Tell Anyone

  98. Anupama

  99. Late By Ten Years

  100. Murder in a Foreign City

  101. Strange Life

  102. I love You Darling

  103. Falsehood

  104. Lady in the Park

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