If the guy is obviously guilty, can we just skip the trial and send him straight to prison under early admission?
Si reus manifesto sit in culpa, sitne fas nos quaestionem praetereuntes condemnatum in carcerem confestim conicere per admissionem subitariam?
If the gloves don’t fit, do we have to acquit?
Si digitalia non congruant manibus, sitne nobis necesse reum absolvere?
Does the jury room have a minibar?
Estne cubiculum deliberationis instructum cistula potionum spirituosarum?
I believe the minimum award in civil cases should be one million dollars, but if you lose, you get the electric chair
Mea sententia, causam privatam obtinenti ut minimum decies centena milia Ioachimicorum addici debent, at de perdente supplicium ultimum in electrica sella sumendum est
I plan to find everyone not guilty by reason of I am extremely pissed off
In animo mihi est, iracundiae meae maximae causa, quemque reum absolvere de crimine
But in a larger sense, can any of us say that we are truly innocent?
Quod autem ad res universas attinet, ecquis nostrum dicere potest se vere innocentem esse?
No, no! It was me! It was me all along! I did it! I did it and I’m glad! Ha-ha, just kidding.
Minime! Non est! Ego fui! Semper ego! Ego facinus feci! Atque gaudeo me fecisse! Hahahae! Tantummodo iocabar.
Stealth Latin—
SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS
What you say in Latin
What you say it means
What it really means
Stupra fascino volanti torum pistrinum provolventem.
You never cease to amaze me with your deeply insightful remarks.
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
Quin futuis uxorem tuam foedam?
Why doesn’t everyone recognize your genius?
Why don’t you go screw your ugly wife?
Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in confinium gulae cacare.
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your constructive criticism.
I’d like to rip off your head and take a dump in the hole.
Mande merdam et morere.
Keep up the good work.
Eat shit and die.
Propudium parcissimum.
I’ll get the check.
You cheap bastard.
Carrus exsecrabilis est! Venditor te irrumavit!
What a great car! You got a heck of a deal!
What a piece of shit! You got taken to the cleaners!
Aspice hanc supellectilem vilem. Quale gurgustium est.
Fabulous house—I love your taste.
Look at this cheesy crap. What a dump.
Rotaturne capitulum huius, virus exspuens viride?
Well, now, really, isn’t that the cutest baby you’ve ever seen?
Does its head spin around and spit green slime?
Speciem scurrae habes. Spectaculum petauristarum bestiarumque nescieGam adesse.
Dynamite outfit! It really looks good on you.
You look like a clown. I didn’t know the circus was in town.
Your boyfriend is a great guy. No wonder you’ve been keeping him to yourself.
He’s a total moron. Somewhere there’s a village missing its idiot.
Amica tua est originis extraterrestrialis. Si fortuna tibi faveat, cum astronavem suam ista refecerit, a terra tuaque vita discedet tam cito quam fulmen ascendit.
Your girlfriend is a knockout. Talent, beauty, brains—she has it all.
She’s a space alien. If you’re lucky, when she gets her flying saucer fixed, she’ll be out of here and out of your life in a flash.
Stealth Latin for Golfers—
SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS IN LUSU CALEDONIO
Quod fustuarium!
Nice swing!
What a hack!
Salaputium fortunatum!
Great shot!
You lucky fuckhead.
Seligatur clava imprudenter
Be the right club.
Be the wrong club.
Pilula, curre in harenariam et defode te.
Hurry up ball, get some air! Be there!
Get in that bunker and bury.
Vola! Aberra! Egredere praeter terminos!
Stop! Hit something! Stay in play!
Go! Get lost, ball! Go out of bounds!
Immerge te in aquam!
Stay dry!
Get wet!
Decurre ab area leni in gramen densum!
Sit down! Bite!
Run off the green into the rough!
Transili puteolum!
Go in the hole!
Lip out!
Euax!
Aww, too bad!
Hurray!
Bad Latin, the Dirty Dozen—
SERMO LATINUS IMPUDICUS: DUODECIM OBSCENA
asshole
culus, i m.; podex, podicis, m.
balls to be blown & to blow
coleus, i m.; irrumo, irrumare fello, fellare; ligurio, ire; (verpam) comedo, esse, edi, estum
to bugger butt
pedico, are clunis, is m. & f. (clunes, ium); natis, is f. (nates, ium); puta, ae f.
cock
capulus, i m.; cauda, ae f.; cicer, is n.; clavus, i m.; cucumis, eris m.; falcula, ae f.; fascinum, i n.; gladius, i m.; hasta, ae f.; membrum, i n.; mentula, ae f.; peculium, i n.; radix, icis f.; rutabulum, i n.; sicula, ae f.; telum, i n.; verpa, ae f.; vomer, eris m.
cunt
fart, to fart
crepitus, us. m.: strepitus, us m.; crepo, crepare, crepui, crepitum; pedo, pedere, pepedi, peditum; strepito, are
to fuck
concumbo, concumbere, concubui, concubitum; futuo, futuere, futui, fututum
to jerk off
frico, fricare, fricui, frictum (fricatum); percieo, ire, ivi, itum; sollicito, are; tero, terere, trivi, tritum; tracto, tractare
piss, to piss
urina, ae f.; meio, meiere, mixi, mictum; mingo, mingere, minxi, minctum
shit, to shit
fimus, i m. & fimus, i n.; merda, ae f.; stercus, oris n.; caco, are
Contents
Author’s Note
Preface PRAEFATIO pry-FAH-tih-oh
I Lingua Latina Tironibus Beginning Latin
Narratiuncula—A LITTLE STORY
Latin Aptitude Test—PROBATIO LATINITATIS
Romulus and Remus Jokes—ROMULI REMIQUE IOCULARIA
The Legion of Superheroes—LEGIO HEROUM MAXIMORUM
T-shirt Slogans—TITULI TUNICALES
Bumper Stickers—TITULI CURRULES
Reality TV—SPECTACULA TELEVISORIA VERI SIMILIA
Hardball Talk Shows—DISCEPTATIONES TUMULTUOSAE
Ultimate Sports—LUDI EXTRAORDINARII
Trash Talk in the Colosseum—CONTUMELIA IN AMPHITHEATRO FLAVIO
Spring Break—FERIAE VERNALES
Country Music Favorites—MUSICA RUSTICA FAVORABILISSIMA
Chilling Out—SERMO OTIOSORUM
Graffiti—INSCRIPTIONES LATRINALES
Road Rage—IRA IN VIA
Air Rage—IRA IN AËRE
Warning Labels—SCHEDAE MONITORIAE
II Lingua Latina Media Intermediate Latin
Caesar’s PowerPoint Presentation—CAESAR TIBI PROPOSITA MAXIMI MOMENTI PRAEFERT
Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars DECEM OPTIMAE RATIONUM CUR IN AEVO CAESARUM VIVERE IUCUNDIUS ESSET
That Old-Time Religion—ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA
Mob Banter—CAVILLATIO SODALIUM
New Age Discourse—SERMO NEOMYSTICUS
Hollywood Latin—SERMO LATINUS ACUIFOLIIS
Sushi Bar Chitchat—SERMO IN TABERNA IAPONICA PULPAMENTORUM INCOCTORUM MARINORUM
Computer Language—SERMO LATINUS COMPUTATORIUS
Car Talk—DISCEPTATIO DE CURRIBUS
B.
S.—BUBULUM STERCUS
Small Talk during a Colonoscopy—COLLOCUTIO INTER COLONOSCOPIAM
Medical Confab—CONFABULATIO CUM MEDICO
Homeland Security—SALUS PATRIAE
Useful Phrases for Barbarian Evildoers—LOCUTIONES UTILES MALEFACTORIBUS BARBARIS
Game Boy Chatter—HORTAMINA PUERORUM LUDENTIUM ENCHIRIDIIS LUSORIIS
Modern Vatican Latin—SERMO LATINUS HODIERNUS IN VATICANO
Learned Latin for Lovers—SERMO LATINUS DOCTUS AMATORIBUS
Classical Kiss-offs—VALEDICTIONES ANTIQUAE
III Sermo Latinus Eruditus Advanced Latin
Useful Syntax—SYNTAXIS UTILIS
You Know You May Be a Roman If . . . SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI . . .
Restaurant ’Tude—BILIS IN POPINA
Winespeak—DICTA ARBITRI VINI
The Bestseller List—TABULA LIBRORUM VENDIBILISSIMORUM
Latin for Trekkies—SERMO LATINUS SECTATORIBUS PEREGRINATIONIS ASTRALIS
Attack Ads—PRAECONIUM PROCAX CANDIDATORUM
Business Latin—SERMO LATINUS NEGOTIALIS
Furat Emptor—LET THE BUYER GO MAD
Jury Duty—OFFICIUM IUDICIALE
Stealth Latin—SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS
Stealth Latin for Golfers—SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS IN LUSU CALEDONIO
Bad Latin, the Dirty Dozen—SERMO LATINUS IMPUDICUS: DUODECIM OBSCENA
GOTHAM BOOKS
Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2
Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand
Published by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First electronic edition, December 2004
Copyright © Henry Beard, 2004
All rights reserved
Illustrations copyright © James Sherman, 2004
Gotham Books and the skyscraper logo are trademarks of
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
MSR ISBN 0-7865-5369-3
AEB ISBN 0-7865-5370-7
Set in Dante MT and Trajan
Designed by Sabrina Bowers
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.
Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.
www.penguin.com