Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane
Classical Kiss-offs—
VALEDICTIONES ANTIQUAE
Kiss my basilisk
Basia basiliscum meum
Bite my zither
Morde citharam meam
Lick my licorice stick
Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum
Suck my aqueduct
Suge meum aquaeductum
Tune my lap trumpet
Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero
Lollipop my toga lizard
Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit
Lip-read my trouser scroll
Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi
III
Sermo Latinus Eruditus
Advanced Latin
Useful Syntax—
SYNTAXIS UTILIS
IMPERATIVE
Futue te ipsum
Go fuck yourself
IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT
Utinam tete futueres
Would that you would go fuck yourself
FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION
I fututum te ipsum
Go in order to fuck yourself
INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB
Te oportet futuere tete
It behooves you to go fuck yourself
PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC
Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es
It is required of you to go fuck yourself
POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE
Velim te futuas
I should like you to fuck yourself
SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE
Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum
I beseech you to fuck yourself
GENITIVE OF PURPOSE
I tete futuendi gratia
Go for the sake of fucking yourself
FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID
Si te futuas, gaudeam
If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice
FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID
Se te futueris gaudebo
If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice
PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
Si te futueres, gauderem
If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing
PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem
If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced
FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD
Tete fututure, te saluto
You who are about to go fuck yourself, I salute you
FUTURE IMPERATIVE
Tete futuito
ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE
Te fututo, gaudeo
You having been fucked, I rejoice
You Know You May Be a Roman If . . .
SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI . . .
. . . you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb
. . . saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris
. . . you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes
. . . credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios
. . . you can eat and have sex at the same time
. . . simul cenare et futuere possis
. . . you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight
. . . umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis
. . . you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep
. . . nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio
. . . your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt
. . . discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis
. . . you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves
. . . quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus
. . . you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other
. . . possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae
. . . you compliment the chef by throwing up
. . . coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes
. . . you have a personal poisoner on your staff
. . . unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius
. . . the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves
. . . numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis
. . . your idea of a party animal is a goat
. . . animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum
. . . your car has sword blades welded to its wheels
. . . habeas currum falcatum
. . . there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath
. . . plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti
. . . you think it would be really cool to be Greek
. . . putes esse lepidissimum Graecari
. . . you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl
. . . domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem
. . . you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic
. . . numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum
Restaurant ’Tude—
BILIS IN POPINA
My name is Sir—I’ll be your customer tonight
Nomen mihi est Dominus—hodie vobiscum cenabo
My sign is, I sign the check
Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham
The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something
De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam
If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?
Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?
Exactly how fresh is that pepper?
Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?
Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?
Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?
This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa
Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus
My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school
Summam coquo laudem tribuo—imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit
No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote
Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet
I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel
In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat
I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends
Zago, zagas, zagat
Winespeak—
DICTA ARBITRI VINI
It’s an intense chalky white marked by overtones of turpentine and lead, with a bright, long-lasting finish
Vinum peralbum cretosum est, resinam terebinthinam et cerussam redolens, nec sine polimine nitido durabili
It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him
Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis
immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui
It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking
Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat
* It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.
** My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.
The Bestseller List—
TABULA LIBRORUM VENDIBILISSIMORUM
Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget by Vitruvius
Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit
Toujours, Gaul by Julius Caesar
Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit
Eat Right—for that Lean and Hungry Look! by Cassius
Edi Recte—ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino
Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less by Cato the Elder
Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit
Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout by Mark Antony
De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit
Letters to My Cat by Pliny the Younger
Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit
What Color is Your Catapult? by Frontinus
Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit
Oracles Say the Darnedest Things by Livy
Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit
Entrail Reading for Dummies by Cicero
Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero
Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece by Virgil
E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit
Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet by Apicius
Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit
Latin for Trekkies—
SERMO LATINUS SECTATORIBUS PEREGRINATIONIS ASTRALIS
Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!
Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!
We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent
Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat
Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.
Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.
It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.
Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.
We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.
Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.
We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.
In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.
We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!
Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!
To be continued . . .
Narratio resumetur . . .
Attack Ads—
PRAECONIUM PROCAX CANDIDATORUM
Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis
Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills
Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt
* Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
** Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts
Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts
Dicite competitori meo vos obstare proposito suo ferendi legem quae cogat ludos Dominicales conducere paedicatores otiosos bilingues narcomaniacos
Business Latin—
SERMO LATINUS NEGOTIALIS
I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that anything I might say would be a bald-faced lie
Recuso reverenter ne respondeam, quia quicquid dicam id sit mendacium impudens
It wasn’t all done with smoke and mirrors—there were some bells and whistles, too
Non solum fumo speculisque, sed etiam tintinnabulis fistulisque factum est
It wasn’t really a loss, it was a loan, which of course shows up as a profit
Non vero damnum erat sed mutuum, quod scilicet in rationibus existimatur lucrum
I was out of the loop, but I distinctly remember asking if it passed the smell test
Consilii particeps non eram, tamen memini clare me rogare num id insidias oleret
Due to an alien abduction, I have no recollection of anything else during that particular period of time
Quod raptus sum a transaetheriis, omnia quae evenerunt illo tempore de memoria mea exciderunt
I only sold my stock because a gypsy fortune-teller told me it was an unlucky month for any company with a vowel in its name
Omnes partes meas vendidi tantummodo eo, quod Aegyptia sortilega mihi dixit mensem infaustum esse cuiquam societati quae vocalem in nomine habet
Plus which, I needed cash to buy a condominium for my daughter’s hamster
Mihi autem pecunia opus erat ad domicilium emendum criceto filiae meae
I mistook the shredder for a Xerox machine
Discissorem esse Xerographium perperam putavi
Look, let me off the hook and I will rat out every single person in the whole company
Age, da mihi veniam ac impunitatem, deferam unumquemque hominum in societate
Furat Emptor—
LET THE BUYER GO MAD
Ministerium consultatorium rerum technicarum tibi gratias agit quod vocavisti
Thank you for calling tech support
Verisimile est te haudquaquam intellegere quod dicimus; quid enim?
You probably don’t understand a word we’re saying; but so what?
Vocatum tuum nullius momenti putamus eumque neglegemus in ordine
Your call is of no interest to us and will be ignored in the order it was received
Fieri potest ut vocatum tuum subauscultemus vel transcribamus animi causa
Your call may be monitored or recorded to provide us with entertainment
Omnes auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant
All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy
Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam
Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days
Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias
Press one to hear irritating music
Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias
Press two to hear a busy signal
Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias
Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension
Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris
Press four to be immediately disconnected
Sit iucundus tibi dies
Have a nice day
Jury Duty—
OFFICIUM IUDICIALE
I’m hopelessly prejudiced—everyone in this court looks like a criminal, including the judge
Opinionem praeiudicatam immutabilem habeo—omnes in hac basilica mihi videri nefarios esse, praetore non excepto
No fair! Just last month I served as a hooded judge on a secret military tribunal, but they made me promise not to tell.
Iniquum est! Modo proximo mense officio iudicis cucullati functus sum in tribunali clandestino militari tamen coactus sum iurare me de eo taciturum.
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
Iuro sollemniter me dicturum verum, totum verum, nihil praeter verum, ita me iuvet, iuvet Rhonda
I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
Credo me posse diiudicare utrum quis nocens an innocens sit modo eum spectando
* I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
** I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
*** If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
Si lis valde dubia sit, sententiis iuratorum paribus, liceatne nos nummum iactare, “caput aut navem” enuntiantes?