The Disappearing Girl, Page 2

  “No, but she hinted I was grossly overweight and would remain single forever because of it,” I said.

  “Your mother has issues.” Brittany shook her head emphatically as she propped open the heavy aluminum door of the townhouse. I coasted by her carrying one of my suitcases and headed up the two flights of steps with Brittany following me. “Besides, you look amazing,” she said. “You’ve definitely lost weight; I can see it in your face. Great job, Kayla.”

  I bristled at the compliment. I’d always found it exceedingly strange how easily girls judged and shared their assessments of one another’s weight. But I couldn’t claim to be one of the innocents; I’d stood by with my friends, listening while they dissected who had lost and gained weight over summer vacations.

  Brittany’s comment made me question how I’d looked before. Had I needed to lose weight? Is that why Brittany felt inclined to congratulate me on the weight loss? My paranoia set in and I wondered whether I had blinders on before and hadn’t seen how heavy I’d become.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled as I unlocked my room and rolled the suitcase inside. My single was tiny, just enough room for my twin bed, desk, dresser, and nightstand. There was also a small closet where I was able to fit most of my clothing. A bathroom and kitchen in the common area was shared with the three other girls on the floor.

  Brittany stood in the doorway. “How’s your schedule? Did you get all the classes you wanted?”

  I nodded. Most of the classes in my junior year were focused on the core courses I needed for graduation. I was majoring in journalism and looking to land a position on the campus newspaper, but nothing had opened up. In the meantime, I’d been publishing web articles to build a portfolio I could use after graduation. The pay wasn’t bad and the topics were easy to research. My mother didn’t think I was cutthroat enough to be a journalist, and I sometimes wondered if she had a point. My passion lied in sharing human-interest stories.

  I asked, “What about you?”

  Brittany was an elementary education major and would spend most of the semester student teaching. She wasn’t exactly thrilled over the development since it would cut into her late-night partying. Besides frequenting fraternity parties, Brittany’s twenty-first birthday in November allowed her access to the bars on and around campus. She had joked that she had a countdown clock for my upcoming birthday.

  “Yes, I’ve received my student teaching assignment. I’ll be working with third-graders; kids are still pretty cute at that age, so I’m happy. Once they hit fourth and fifth grade, they begin to get whiny and annoying.”

  It was good to be home, I thought, as we caught up on what was going on in our lives. Maybe I could forget about winter vacation and get in shape the old-fashioned way. I had free access to a fitness center on campus, and I was certain I could find plenty of low-calorie foods to choose from at the school eateries. I knew I couldn’t eat with abandon like before.

  Although the compliments about my weight loss were off-putting, it was nice to be told I looked good. I’d never needed the validation before, but experiencing a taste of it made me crave it. I would use my perfectionist tendencies to turn my body into something beautiful.

  Chapter Three

  My head was pounding the next day as I picked up my textbooks from the campus store. Brittany and I stayed up until after two in the morning, participating in a gossip fest. The twins had arrived a few hours after I had settled in, and we got caught up with them. Danielle and Jessica were charming girls from Maryland, both amazing field hockey players. I found it very surprising the way they turned into savage beasts on the field, considering their normally laid-back personalities.

  Brittany had picked up subs and bags of chips around midnight from the Wawa five minutes away from the campus. Although I’d made a pledge to eat healthier, it was hard to resist the temptation once the food was in front of me. It took all my resolve to not eat it, and I went to bed hungry. I decided to skip breakfast as well and instead set off for the bookstore to get everything I needed for my classes, which would be starting the next day.

  My messenger bag was laden with newly purchased textbooks as I cut through the Student Center. The Student Center had a large atrium in the middle, with couches and tables where people could study between classes. The Student Center was the central building on campus and housed the bookstore, information desk, computer lab, and a sandwich shop. Student groups and vendors usually had tables set up along the walkways. Since it was the first week of classes, the building was overcrowded.

  As I walked toward the exit, a figure carrying a clipboard stepped into my pathway. I let out an annoyed breath and I knew I was in for a lengthy spiel. Getting accosted by overzealous vendors in the Student Center was commonplace.

  “Hi there.” The soft voice was male, with a deep timbre. I lifted my gaze to meet his and found a pair of electric blue eyes twinkling in my direction. His hair was medium brown, with lighter blond streaks that looked to come naturally from the sun. He had a mussed hairstyle going on that may have been unintentional, or could have meant he spent twenty minutes in front of the mirror to perfect the look. Since he stood a full head above my five-foot-three, his chin was tilted down to look at me.

  “Good morning, would you be interested in signing up for a student MasterCard?”

  I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t surprising he was chosen for that particular job. A man as gorgeous as he was would have the girls lining up around the block to sign up for a new credit card. “No thanks.”

  I went to sidestep him and he shot me a disarming smile. His smile was sexy, without any traces of smarminess. I found myself staring at his lips as he spoke.

  “You get a free t-shirt and a coffee mug for just filling out the application.”

  “And in exchange I get a card with an outrageous twenty-five percent APR? I think I’ll pass,” I said dryly.

  His smile grew bigger. “You can cut up the card if you get approved. You don’t have to use it.”

  “I don’t think I could withstand the temptation.”

  He looked amused by my response. “I’m Cameron.”

  My pulse picked up and I was startled by my instantaneous attraction to him. A guy hadn’t excited me in a long time. I’d had a few casual dates since I went away to college, but nothing that gave me the butterflies I was suddenly experiencing.

  At my silence, he remarked, “Not telling me your name?”

  “It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like credit card sales reps.” I smiled shyly at him to reduce the sting of my words. I was awkward when it came to flirtatious banter. I always envied how easily it came to Brittany and Tami.

  He laughed heartily. “A blanket judgment, but interesting to know.”

  I reached for the clipboard he was holding and he handed me a pen. I could feel his eyes on me as I scribbled my answers in the different fields. If I didn’t know better, I would guess he was scoping me out. I talked myself out of that notion, figuring he was using some sort of sales tactic to get me to sign up. His commission was most likely dependent on how many naïve girls he charmed into filling out applications.

  Once I finished, I held out the clipboard to him. He set it aside and I took the offered bag containing my free t-shirt and mug. “Thanks,” I said, and I turned to go.

  “I’ll be here all week if you feel like stopping back,” he called as I took a few steps away from him.

  I dared a look back. His gray, button-down shirt was tailored exactly to his body and I could make out the ridges of his lean, muscular frame. His hands were stuck inside the pockets of his black pants and he had tilted back on his heels. I wanted to express an interest, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My head was a mess and it wasn’t a good time to get romantically involved with anyone.

  I waved to him before hurrying away. Cameron had thrown me off balance. I was the girl who faded in the background, not the one who attracted sexy strangers. My past dates had the same personality I perceived in myself:
They were quiet homebodies, more interested in their academic futures than in being social and going to parties. I assumed Cameron was the type of guy that demanded attention, his looks and personality easily overshadowing anyone else in his vicinity.

  My self-confidence was at an all-time low. I’d cast myself in the role of a chubby plain Jane, and the categorization stuck, despite my friends telling me over and over again how pretty they thought I was. I needed to discover a way to feel better about myself.

  As I passed the sandwich shop, I stopped in and bought only an apple and an orange, despite not having anything substantial to eat since the previous afternoon. I reasoned if I lost more weight, maybe I’d feel comfortable again in my own skin. My rationalizations, born out of insecurity, had taken over, and they would guide my every decision going forward.

  Chapter Four

  Thoughts of food consumed me, but every bite I took was torture. Guilt gnawed at me and took away any enjoyment I had over the taste of food. I designed convoluted food challenges to help me stave off hunger and offered up the chance to give myself a congratulatory pat on the back once I completed them. For one day, I vowed to eat only raw vegetables. Another day, I committed to skipping breakfast and lunch and only eating dinner. I had fast days, where I didn’t eat anything solid, surviving on water and Diet Coke.

  Each meal was carefully planned out in my head. I took my meals alone, blowing off invitations to join Brittany, Danielle, or Jessica for lunch or dinner. Instead, I ate alone in my room, taking small bites, trying to make the tiny amounts of food last as long as possible. I could make a slice of bread last as long as a three-course meal.

  My first week of classes was hazy. The low amount of calories I was consuming affected my concentration, and I found myself rereading portions of my texts several times until I was finally able to grasp things. My writing assignments lacked finesse, and I had to do heavy revisions to get my work up to par.

  However, my reward for the strict diet was the number on the scale. I purchased a scale from a local pharmacy and weighed myself every morning without a stitch of clothing on. By Friday, I’d lost four more pounds. It was all the motivation I needed to keep up with my eating pattern.

  “Bella!” a voice called as I searched the bookstore for a supplemental text I needed for a desktop publishing class I was taking. “Hey Bella!” The voice sounded closer and more insistent. I spun toward the source and found myself face to face with Cameron.

  Cameron’s expression was inscrutable. “Bella Swan, right?”

  A blond girl standing next to me browsing the bookshelves looked at Cameron, then at me, and started chuckling. She shook her head in disbelief and disappeared down the next aisle.

  “I’m guessing you read my credit card application,” I said. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear nervously. I had mixed feelings about seeing him again, as thrilled as I was apprehensive.

  “Sorry, I was curious.” He leaned closer to me. “I didn’t lift your number off of it though; I’m not a total creeper.”

  My heart pounded as he moved into my personal space. He was wearing a blue shirt and it brought out the vibrant color of his eyes. His scent reached me, and I had the sudden urge to move closer to him and deeply breathe in his clean, masculine smell.

  “That’s not my name,” I said and I turned back to face the wall of textbooks.

  “Ah,” he said, “You put a fake name on the application.”

  “I told you I didn’t want another credit card,” I reminded him. “Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I figured you would’ve recognized the name I used.”

  “Maybe I should ask you to return the t-shirt and mug then.”

  I turned to him and was again disarmed by the dazzling smile he was giving me. He was putting me at ease, and I liked the sensation. “Sure, you can take back your cheap, oversized t-shirt and dollar-store mug.”

  He laughed. “How about you keep them, as long as you give me your real name?”

  “Deal,” I replied. “It’s Kayla.”

  “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Cameron chided. “So what year are you?”

  “I’m a junior.” I found the book I was looking for and removed it from the shelf. As I faced Cameron, I tapped my foot to release my nervous energy. “Today is your last day working here, right?”

  It was something of a relief to know he would no longer be in the Student Center. I wasn’t certain about how to process the unexpected attraction I felt toward him. My mind had a hard time believing Cameron would be flirting with me.

  “Yes, then on to harass more students at other campuses into signing up for credit cards.” He shrugged. “It’s a crap job, but the best I could get since I graduated last year.”

  My curiosity was piqued. “Where did you graduate from?”

  “I have a business degree from Rutgers. My goal is to have my own business one day, but this gig pays the bills in the meantime.” He fell in step next to me as I walked toward the register. “What’s your major?”

  “Journalism. I’m not sure what type of company I want to work for yet, but I’m hoping to line up an internship for the summer.”

  Cameron waited next to me as I paid for my book. When I went toward the exit, I remarked, “Shouldn’t you be manning your table?”

  He looked nonplussed. “I’m taking a break.” He took a sip from the water bottle he was holding, drawing attention to his lips. It had been months since I’d been kissed, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to feel his mouth on mine. His lips appeared soft and inviting, and I imagined him to be an expert kisser.

  He caught me watching him and I glanced away. I mumbled, “Well, it was nice to meet you.”

  “I only live five minutes from here. Would you want to get together sometime?”

  Yes, a part of me screamed. Why wouldn’t I want to go out with someone undeniably gorgeous, who also seemed interested in me? Yet my fears made me hesitate, and I stood in front of him silently. I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s attention. I was fat and plain, and I suspected that instead of being truly attracted to me, Cameron had an ulterior motive. At times like that, it sucked being inside my head.

  “That’s probably not a good idea,” I said, without meeting his eyes.

  “Oh, okay.” I thought I heard defeat in his tone. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “No, it’s just I’m not interested in dating anyone right now.”

  When I made eye contact with him again, I could see in his expression he wasn’t sure how to reply to that statement. After a second’s pause, he suggested, “We could get together casually, hang out as friends if it makes you more comfortable.”

  “Umm…” I awkwardly said. I didn’t know how to respond to his persistence. Was he not used to being turned down? It wouldn’t surprise me; girls didn’t say no to guys like Cameron. I considered his ego might be bruised since I wasn’t champing at the bit to go out with him.

  He pulled a business card from his back pocket and held it out before I could finish replying. “This has my cell phone number on it. If you want, give me a call sometime. No pressure.”

  My fingers brushed his when I removed the card from his outstretched hand. I tucked it into my purse. I stared at his shoes and hoped for the growing awkwardness to pass.

  “It was good to meet you, Kayla.” His tone was soft and intimate. “I hope you’ll give me a call.”

  “Bye Cameron,” I said.

  With hesitation, he walked back toward his stand. I studied him and saw several girls’ heads turn as he maneuvered across the building’s atrium. His strides were purposeful, and he didn’t seem to notice the attention he garnered. I envied his confidence.

  After only two brief meetings, Cameron left a lasting impression upon me. I liked him, but my emotions were too raw. It felt like all of my feelings were being amplified, and if I experienced heartache, it would cut me too deeply. It was safer not to take the risk.

  Chapter Five

&
nbsp; By the next week, I’d lost a total of eleven pounds. My clothing was getting looser and my features appeared leaner. My cheekbones were more pronounced and my chin more defined. I had hoped the weight loss would chase away the melancholy inside me. My expectations were if I was leaner, I’d suddenly feel comfortable in my own skin. I wondered if I would ever be happy inside my own body.

  My dieting was extreme and left me with little energy most days. I found myself sleeping longer and was glad for the respite. The longer I was unconscious, the less time I had to focus on food. During my waking hours, it was all I could think about. I could feel my attention fading in class while I planned what I’d be permitted to eat for that particular day.

  At night, I longed for the binge eating of Christmas break. But scarfing down a lot of food and vomiting proved difficult while living in close quarters with three other girls. The communal atmosphere of our dorm meant we had our doors open most of the time. It made it challenging to sneakily consume copious amounts of food and then vomit it back up. When my roommates were scarce, I was able to make an exception to my own rule.

  Brittany grew impatient with me one night and coerced me into going to dinner with her. My excuses for bowing out of dinner were getting weaker, and she stood her ground until I finally relented. Under her watchful eyes, I couldn’t have my typical meal of either plain vegetables or fruit. Since Brittany was twenty-one, her new favorite place to eat was The Court. It was the only restaurant on campus to serve beer. The menu was made up of mostly fried foods.

  Once we settled in, Brittany ordered a Miller Lite, and I opted for a Diet Coke, Brittany started. “I can’t wait until your birthday. Only ten days away!”

  The plan was to go bar hopping with Brittany, Jessica, and Danielle. Brittany was good friends with several guys in one of the campus fraternities and had also invited them along. I would’ve been looking forward to a night out if I hadn’t been obsessing over how many calories were in alcoholic drinks. I had come to the conclusion that a rum and Diet Coke would be my best bet for the night, since it only had a hundred calories per serving.