For answers, for reasons why I’m falling
That’s all an orbit is: it’s falling.
Did you know in a vacuum
A parachute would be useless?
Ella, you’re a sweet girl.
Brother, I promise this is the last time.
ACRYLIC
Michael’s fingers
All bones and skin
Scraped knuckles
Raw, chewed fingertips like
Maybe a rat nibbled at him
While he was passed out somewhere.
There’s dirt under his nails
As though he’s been buried alive.
I paint it on a tiny canvas
In garish Fauvist colors
Trying to inject life
Into his corpse-like flesh.
LACE
Marika wants a push-up bra
But her mom won’t buy her one
I’m
Not
Too
Young
She says
I don’t disagree
Only the store that sells
Bras for small-titted teens
Is also where
Genie works.
Hi, Marika!
She says
When we find her
Among the fronds of pink
And lace.
Hi, Ella, she adds
Quickly
Her eyes averted
As though even to greet me
Is a lie.
She wants to buy a bra, I say
And Marika glares at me
Because she prefers
To speak for herself.
Genie, the queen of glares
Doesn’t notice
She only gasps
How fun!
Can I help you choose?
And they roll off.
When it’s time to fit
Marika waves me away
And lets the expert dress her.
And the two of them
In the accessible fitting room
Giggle and squeal.
While I panic.
PANIC
And I mean panic
Cold sweat
Hot flush
I clutch a rack
Of thongs
And try to blink
Away the black
Gathering at the edge
Of my vision.
Would you like to sit?
Genie’s colleague says
And offers a baroque chair
I slump there like a bug
Dying on a rosebud.
When Marika surfaces
I help her get out her money
And the cashier rings up her two bras
One white, one black.
Genie kisses Marika’s cheek
And doesn’t say another word
To me before she
Disappears.
INTUITION
A few stores later Marika stops
What
Is
Wrong?
Nothing, I say and pretend to look
At the kind of shoes I’d never wear.
Lie
To
S-O-M-E-O-N-E
Else
Not
Me
It’s private, I finally come up with
Marika manages a doubtful look
And types
I
Am
A
Good
L-I-S-T-E-N-E-R
But I have nothing to say.
A VACUUM
I can’t complain to her of all people
A girl who can barely move or speak
Marika might listen but she would never understand
No word exists to encompass what is wrong. I know I’m
Obnoxious. I know I upset people. I get
That. I really do though sometimes I’m not sure
How it happens. It’s not that I don’t care for people. Obviously
I do. I try to anyway. I try to see the sadness in them and
Not judge their unwillingness or inability to see the
Goodness, the worth, in the vacuum of space in me.
But hurts like mine are easily hidden behind laughter or
Under ugly ill-fitting clothes or artwork
Too obscene to display in public.
Trying to tell Marika what lurks in the dark
Recesses of me is more than confession, it’s
Asking her for absolution for my
Stupidity. As though her forgiveness might undo the
Heresy of me in a vintage bikini.
EMPTY HOUSE
I come home to a note.
Obviously, Mom has forgotten
About cell phones.
Again.
Don’t worry. Your sister is fine.
They took her to hospital.
Dad and I are driving up there.
Everything is fine. Don’t worry.
There are pizzas in the freezer.
We’ll call later.
Don’t worry.
Don’t worry
Like worry can be turned on
And off like a TV
And after pacing for two hours
And eating every chocolate chip in the house
I call Samir, who comes over
To worry with me
Until our bodies overtake our minds.
A SONNET TO ENDINGS
The darkest part of night is when I plan
Outlining words, excuses and remorse
I’ll try to spare his feelings if I can
I don’t know how without more lies. Of course
There will be tears; most likely they’ll be mine
But I deserve the punishment. I guess
I made this bed myself and now it’s time
To lie in it and hope to convalesce.
My love was complicated but sincere
As much as it is possible to hold
Two boys. But I should face my biggest fear
Alone. It’s not so much about the cold
Unfeeling world as MY unfeeling heart
That elevates capriciousness to art.
IT’S LONELY IN THE DARK
For no specific reason
My heart starts to race
In the dark.
Samir sleeps beside me
A little smile on his face.
Somewhere in New York
His brother sleeps
Next to his beloved
And Kayli sleeps, I hope
With the nebulizer mask
And Mom sleeps in a chair
And Dad, knowing him
Is asleep in the car.
And David sleeps
Maybe.
The whole world slumbers
Unaware of all the things
I’d never say.
ANOTHER SECRET
On
My
Birthday
Kayli pushed me
Down the basement stairs
We called her Michaela then
Back when we were both cherubs
Kayli
Shoved
Me
Because I turned ten
And got my ears pierced
Two tiny green peridot studs
For making it into double digits.
She
Cried
When
I couldn’t stand
Get up, get up, get up
And I swore I would never tell
And I didn’t tell, I only said I fell
I
Never
Told
What part of it hurt the most
That she pushed me and called me fat
How her envy had poisoned her that instant
And turned her feathered bright white wings to ash.
My
Little
Sister
I was proud of thos
e earrings
Turning them, wincing and diligent until
The day Mom said my ears were nicely healed
I pulled them out and I threw them down the drain.
WATERCOLORS
Mom’s hand
Flat, facing me
As if to say
STOP TALKING
And Dad’s hand
Flat, facing me
As if to say
Just let me finish this
I dig through my craft box
And decorate each hand
With a tiny peridot sequin
In the center of the palm.
I recognize them
Too late
As those hands
That ward off evil.
Samir has one
Hanging in his kitchen
He told me what they’re called
But I forget.
EPIPHANY
What if this is true:
Everything bad that happens
Is really my fault?
SHORTNESS OF BREATH
At last my phone rings.
Yo, it’s me, Kayli says
Way to let the parentals freak out.
Why didn’t you stop them?
Now I’m stuck here
In this backwoods chop shop
While someone decides
If I have pneumonia.
Pneumonia?
I don’t have freaking pneumonia
It’s a cold, Mom, a chesty cold.
This is ridiculous.
They don’t want me to
Make the drive home.
They talked about using “Child Flight”
Child Flight?! How embarrassing.
How are you anyway?
Beside me, Samir stirs
And opens his eyes.
I’m fine, I say
My hand over his mouth.
When are you coming back?
Who knows?
Mom? When can we go?
Tomorrow or the next day.
They’re not letting me go back to camp.
I don’t really care though
Because Parker has turned into
A fart-sucking douche face.
Mom! It’s a private conversation
With my sister.
What happened? What did he do?
I’ll tell you later
Mom’s still listening
Well? You are!
I should go. Love you, Rah Rah
Don’t forget to eat
And you know
Use condoms.
Mom! Chill. I’m joking.
Later, loser. No. Wait.
I’M the loser.
PLAYING GROWN-UP
We spend the day together
Quiet as a married couple
Who have amicably
Run out of things to say.
The words I planned dissolve
Under his warm hand
On the curve of my back
In the sunshine
The day rises and falls
Like a last breath.
Toes touching
I read a fat newspaper
While Samir kills zombies
And when it seems the time
Will never be right
David calls.
THE SEARCH
Samir drives
His earlier cordial silence
Replaced with sulk
To be fair it is
After midnight
And three hours
Into a tour
Of the shitty parts of town
Searching for someone
Samir doesn’t know
Who is the brother of
Someone he does who
Is kind of my other
Boyfriend.
He looks just like David
Only skinny
I tell Samir
All I get is a grunt
As he gazes through the windshield
At a group of goth girls
Wreathed with smoke
Thank you for helping me
I try and he gives
My knee a pat.
I’m at the park
A text from David reads
Be careful, I text back
And direct Samir to a corner
Where everyone knows
The tweakers hang out
Meth? Samir asks
Why would anyone do it?
He’s sad, I guess
What does he have
To be sad about?
ADDICTION
What do any of us
Have to be sad about?
Except that feeling of
Waking up from a dream
And realizing everything
We thought was real
Is fantasy?
These skin and bones
These wraiths stripped
Off all that artifice
Freed the coyote in them
Became moonlight
And hunger in the
Moment dwelling
Visionaries who see
Only with their eyes.
The world is not
A nice place I tell Samir
As though he doesn’t know.
THE END OF TIME
Is that him? Samir asks
Of a tall shadow
Near the park entrance.
I can see it’s David
But a moment of Michael
Washes over him like
A projected ghostly
Skeleton.
Anything?
David asks as we join him
And accepts our answer
With stoic resignation.
He’s probably just sleeping it off somewhere
Samir says
To fill the silence
To reassure.
But David’s phone rings
And everything good
Evaporates.
PERSEVERATION
Is he dead?
David says
I slide my arms
Around his waist
And hold tight
Is he dead?
Samir hangs his head
His own brother
A swirling cloud
Around him
Is he dead?
My breath reaches
Across the plains
to Kayli’s damp lungs
Filling them.
Is he dead?
No, I'm not coming
To the hospital
Until you tell me
If he's dead.
IS HE DEAD?
And Michael’s gravity
Pulls us both down
Knees to concrete far
Too heavy for me
TICKING AWAY
Time
Takes no prisoners
Trailing behind
Samir’s car like a
Slipstream mist.
Not enough time
To gather the bits
Of David sufficiently
To get him to
What’s left of his
Family.
We need more time
To capture the tears
Even Samir is crying
Wiping his eyes
As he drives blind in
The dark damp streets
Slower than time.
I’ve run out of time
David kisses me
In the backseat
Smothering sobs
On my lips. Stop
I whisper, stop this
You don’t know
What you’re doing.
This time
Samir pulls the hand brake
And yanks David’s collar
Dude, calm down
She said stop.
Their eyes meet
And the look they share
Tells me my time
Has come.
HOW NOT TO SAY GOODBYE
The rest of
the drive drowns
In one of those silences that suffocate.
David curls up against the door
Trembling, his face tucked into
The crook of his elbow.
Samir stares at the road
Lips parted in a protest
An accusation or
Condemnation
That has yet to find the words.
His eyes are as dry
As my mouth.
The white light of the ER entrance
Silhouettes the tall shape
Of an uncle or father
That gathers David as
I step out of the car.
You must be Ella, the shape says.
Not a father then
Since David’s father knows me
All too well.
Is Michael dead?
I say, because David was never able to
Speak the words.
The shadow speaks for him.
Yes, I’m afraid he is.
STATE OF NOT BEING
Yes I’m still thinking of myself
I’m turning away
Afraid to watch whoever this is as
He leads David into a world where Michael
Is no more
PARKED
Just tell me this one thing
Have you been with him all along?
Since that day on your stairs?
Since you told me he was just a friend?
Come inside, come upstairs with me, please
Do you think that’s how it works?
Is that what you think of me?
That I’ll forget what just happened
If you take off all your clothes?
Please just let me try to explain, please
What possible explanation could there be?
We have been together like man and wife.
You told me, repeatedly, that you love me.
Is this what you call love?
I do love you. I promise you, that’s true
It’s a sin, what we have done together,
I should marry you and make it right
But how can I trust you ever again?
You’re completely crazy! Why would you do this?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
EXIT
He reaches past me
And pushes open my door
Everything he wanted to say
He has said.
I plead from the sidewalk
Please, Samir
You’re in no state
To drive.
Close the door
He says
And when I do
He drives
Slowly
Away.
LIES
Every time I told him
David is just a friend
Every time I told David
Samir and I are over
Every lie I told