To support this experiment
To entertain myself
Throbs in my brain
Every person I care about
Floats before my eyes
Like a video game
Played by God and me.
He smites them. I hurt them.
The points add up.
Smite. Michael dies.
Hurt. Samir cries.
Smite. Kayli’s lungs.
Hurt. David’s trust.
Smite. Marika’s brain.
Hurt. Puffy’s portrait.
Smite. Charlotte dies.
Hurt. Mom believes my lies.
Smite. We lose baby Gabriel.
Hurt. I try to seduce one of Dad’s students.
And all the people I just want to hurt.
I’m jealous of Kayli
I hate Genie for what she did
I hate all those car-wash girls
And school, and teachers and principals
And those bitches in junior high
And Samir’s family and God
And the one I hate the most of all:
Me.
Chapter Ten
Indiscreet
REASON
Sometimes
When people speak
To me of God my eyes
Fill with tears of loss.
As though they are talking
About some kid who died young
From drugs or guns.
As though someone I loved
Who I once thought loved me too
Was an illusion.
How can I mourn him
The imaginary friend
Who was never real?
MOM’S BATHROOM
Last Christmas
I found her in here
Unconscious
In a puddle of blood
And vomit
That’s not something
You easily forget.
The white tiles shine
No evidence is left
I scrubbed this floor
Until my fingers ached
And stung from bleach
But the image remains
Like permanent marker
Scrawled graffiti
In my brain.
Tucked behind her closet
It has no windows
And if I close the door
I can imagine I’m
Flying through space
Alone past the heliopause
Outside the influence
Of the sun, somewhere
Not even comets live.
WHEN KAYLI IS HERSELF
A warm hand rests on my shoulder
And for an ecstatic moment I think
I left the mudroom door unlocked
And Samir has silently crawled in
With me
But it’s not Samir, the thin wrist wears
A hospital bracelet and has pink painted nails.
Kayli’s long lashes rest on shining cheeks
It’s hot up here, she says without opening
Her eyes
I slip my arms around her and squeeze
Until she calls me an incestuous lesbian
But she squeezes back, smelling rank
And medicinal. She’s sweaty too—we both
Are
I wouldn’t believe the sun rose again
The world kept turning and orbiting
As though today was just another day but
Above the open skylight the sky is glowing
Blue
Like nothing dreadful happened last night
Wheezing, Kayli leans back and thoughtfully
Considers the state of my unplucked eyebrows
Where’s Samir? is just the first of her
Questions.
SISTERLY ADVICE
You should tell Mom
Is what Kayli says
After I have confessed
Almost everything
About Samir and David.
(I don’t mention the car wash.
She can’t know about that.
The official story is still that it was “great fun.”)
Poor David
She says about Michael
Were you sleeping with him too?
I shake my head and suffer
As Kayli’s questions get
More and more
Indiscreet.
She always could
Make me reveal anything
She wants to know
Everything.
I spew out monotone
Salacious details
And sad ones
While she listens
Entranced.
I keep talking
I don’t want to stop
I want her to listen
Forever
To never leave this room
To never leave me
Because she is
My best friend
Maybe the only friend
I have left.
What happened with Parker?
I ask when I run out of my own tragedy
He mutated, Kayli says
And I wait for the rest of the story.
Don’t tell Mom, okay?
We made this plan to sneak away
And, you know, do it
But I changed my mind
And he got all pissy.
Then he said I was a slut
Which is, HELLO, illogical
But everyone believed it.
What an asshole!
I thought he was supposed to be a Christian
Newsflash, Rah Rah
Christians can be douchebags.
And she stares at my slanted ceiling
Tears dripping into her ears
Reminding me
She’s human too.
LIFE GOES ON
Marika barely waits for her mother to leave
Before typing quickly
What
Is
W r o n g?
David’s brother died of an overdose, I say
And she doesn’t even spell out
A strong specific word
She just hits a button
Bad
Bad
Bad
And then
Sorry.
What
Happened?
And so I
Tell her the whole
Sordid story too
Like I can’t keep the words inside
How I used them both
And betrayed them
For no good reason.
She falls silent
Not her good silence
But a reproachful
Judgmental one
And we spend the day like that
Me wondering
If I’ve lost her too.
TEXTS TO SAMIR
Talk to me.
Forgive me.
My mind isn’t right. I AM crazy.
I love you. Please answer me.
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I lost control of my life.
I’m so sorry.
Until finally Marika grabs my phone from my hand.
She’s surprisingly fast at texting.
This is Marika. Ella has been crying all day. It’s getting
annoying. Pls reply.
To which Samir texts back:
Will call 2night. Late.
ON THE OTHER HAND
All texts to David
Are revised, then deleted
And nothing is sent.
EPIC
Marika bends her head
Over her iPad typing
Ignoring me
My feet get numb
In the kiddy pool
Marika made it clear
I
Don’t
Want
To
Swim
Which is how I know
She’s really mad at me
Norma
lly she loves it.
Marika types
And children stare
And fretful mothers
Pull them away
Shielding them
From their own rudeness
As though it’s a disease.
Marika frowns with concentration
Her tanned fingers thrumming
And I suspect her composition
Might be aimed at me.
MARIKA’S WISDOM
I used to throw tantrums
When I was little
It was torture
Learning to speak
And Mom would say:
“You have to name your pain.”
Name your pain, Ella.
Mom would say:
“It’s easier to run from a lion
Than some shadow in the dark.”
I’m not mad at you.
If you can’t talk to me,
Talk to someone.
Please.
CROSSHAIRS
Now I feel like
I am walking around
With rifle crosshairs
On the entire world
Well maybe not a rifle
It’s not that I want
To shoot someone
Apart from myself
Occasionally
Only now I look at Mom
And Kayli painting her toenails
Ms. Sagal and Dad
And ask myself
Is this the person I can talk to?
But I have an excuse for each of them
I have caused them enough pain
Or they have their own problems
Or maybe I’m scared of
How bad I would feel
If they can’t hide the fact
That they don’t really care.
PENCIL
It’s painstaking work
Carefully rendering
In lethally sharp pencil
Every detail
Of Marika’s speech app
With her gnarled hand
Curled finger pressing on the word
BAD
In the corner
Barely visible
A tendril of black
Lace.
EGGS AND OTHER ROUND OBJECTS
To my surprise
Sarah emails
We’re going to Michael’s funeral
Mom thought you might like to come
I know how weird it can be
In an unfamiliar place
I was freaking out at Genie’s mom’s funeral
All those creepy flowers.
Have you spoken to David?
He won’t answer his phone
Or return my texts
I guess we’ll see him there
I hope he’s okay
The service is at six tomorrow
We’ll pick you up at five
After we can go to his house
And do the shiva thing
Mom can explain it
I’ll grab you something on the way
From the kosher deli, egg salad
Or bagels, something round
Did you know Michael very well?
I went to his bar mitzvah.
What a messed-up world.
THE END
Samir calls
As promised
Close to midnight.
We cry
And he says
I can’t do this anymore.
He adds
We can’t stay
Friends. That’s bullshit.
You
Are not
A good friend.
My heart is
Torn in pieces
My soul is corrupted
You
Did this
You ruined me.
I listen
To his rage
His heartbreak and
I do
Not dare
To disagree.
MIDNIGHT
As quietly as I can
I slip my bicycle
Out the garage side door.
No helmet
The night wind blows
My wrinkled cotton dress
Around my knees
I stay on the sidewalk
For safety. I want to arrive
At my destination alive
The address from research papers
In Dad’s study.
Ella?
Kieran says
What are you doing here?
Wanna go for a walk?
I say
We tuck my bike
In his hallway
And head out
Into the dark.
Kieran lights a joint
And we pass it back and forth
As we walk around the lake
Better?
He says
Flicking the butt into the water.
You seemed a little tense before
I heard about your boyfriend’s brother
That’s too bad.
He’s not my boyfriend
I say
Yeah, says Kieran
Does he know that?
WHAT DOES HE KNOW?
All I’ve ever done is toy with David
Like a cat with a crippled mouse.
All I’ve done is evade questions
I’ve avoided moments where
Feelings are discussed
Focused on other things
Myself mainly
My anxieties
My stupid plan
My selfishness.
My shame
Makes me stumble
I sit on the curb.
Whoa, are you okay?
Kieran asks
Not really, I say.
I search his face
Hoping maybe he’s the one
Who will listen to the whole
Sad and sorry tale
And tell me what to do
But undergrad degree or no
He’s just a stoned boy
Looking down my dress
And I don’t even like him.
Though I let him kiss me
Later in his front hall
His smoky sour tongue
Flops in my mouth
Like a rancid fish
I’d gag if I could be bothered.
And when I put a stop to it
He holds the door
While I push my bicycle out
And doesn’t say, “I’ll call you”
Or any other platitude
For that anyway
I’m grateful.
And more I suppose
Because he’s shown me
Something important
About me
That I didn’t know I knew.
This:
At least I don’t hate myself enough
To have sex with a guy like him.
INVISIBLE
The on-ramp is quiet
But for occasional trucks
Rumbling like distant thunder
The gas station emits
Weak and sickly
Zombie light
I lock my bike
And turn down into the dark
Staring at the spot
The hidey-hole between
Two Dumpsters wondering
What magnet held me there
I would like to shake that girl
And ask her why it matters
Why she cared so much
She waited in the dark
For something to happen
Almost as if she wanted it
To be broken down beaten
Left for dead but no one even
Noticed she was there.
MOONLIGHT
By the time
I reach the deep scrub
My bare legs feel flayed.
I’d raise my head
And howl at the moon
But I don’t need to.
She appears
&nb
sp; Damp fur and coiled muscles
Ready to flee
To leap back into her dark
Primitive past.
I would like to think
She was drawn by our moonlight bond
But it’s more likely the hotdog
I’ve placed on the ground between us.
I’ve been thinking about you, I say
She snuffles as she gobbles my gift.
Ignoring me
I swear I think
She even rolls her eyes.
How do you tolerate all this?
I ask, looking around
At the highway, the on-ramp
The gas station
The Dumpsters
The truckers, the taxi drivers
Unbuckling.
How do you stay you?
How do you not lie down
On the road and let a truck
Crush the wild out of you?
Surely you of all creatures
Must be weighed down
By the hypocrisy
The betrayal of a God
Who gave you a perfect world
Then populated it with
Imperfection
Personified
Who plowed and
Paved your
Paradise.
She licks ketchup from her maw
Yellow teeth, pink gums
And stares back
Low growling
All coyote, she has
Nothing to say to my
Irrelevance
But her tail disappearing
In the long grass.
Tell me what to do!
I call after her
At first only the cool
Night wind
Replies.
But then
From the dark
She howls
Twice as though
Begrudgingly
She’s giving me
Her best advice.
TORN
The synagogue is packed
Sarah and I stand at the back.
Apparently David has hardly said a word
To anyone since it happened,
Sarah whispers
As the rabbi says things in Hebrew
And English things that are meant
To console.
In the front row David
Towers above his mother
Even with slumped shoulders
His head hanging down.
His lawyer father
Stands gray wool and stiff
On the other side.
No one for him to
Prosecute here but God
And I’m surprised to find
I can forgive him for
The near ruination he inflicted
On me and Samir last year
I wonder if this is God’s punishment
For his self-serving hubris.
The thought makes my heart
Flicker like a faulty light
One of those ones that
Makes the whole string fail