Barbarian King

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  Barbarian King

  by

  Frank B. Thompson, III

  This is a work of fiction. All the characters, organizations and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously.

  Copyright © 2015, 2017 Frank B. Thompson, III

  All rights reserved.

  Printed in the United States of America

  ISBN-13: 978-1546789734

  ISBN-10: 1546789731

  One of the most bizarre tales ever put to paper—the story of a barbarian swashbuckler, a woman of rare beauty and a weird marble city inhabited by the most peculiar race ever spawned.

  Acknowledgements

  Special thanks to our Democrat President, the Democrat Party, the works of Robert E. Howard of Conan the Cimmerian fame; L. Frank Baum for The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and Charles Dodgson for his Alice's Adventures In Wonderland; these all helped form the foundation for this bizarre tale: a tale of high adventure, of witchcraft and a lot of primordial sex. My thanks also goes out to Pig Latin, so that the true characters of this novel may remain obscure to the less industrious; and in case you forgot words beginning with a vowel like: ‘A E I O U’ simply have the word ‘WAY’ appended to the tail end. Words starting with a consonant, however, have all consonant letters up to the first vowel moved to the back followed by ‘AY.’ Good luck with deciphering the characters’ names.

  All-Star Cast

  BamaOay - The Hero of this tale, he is also widely referred to by the following names and titles: Barbarian King, the President, King of the Jackasses, B’jackass, B’jagoff, and Master.

  IllaryHay of the Clinton Clan - Love interest of our hero and considered by most knuckleheads on ‘the left’ to be a hot looking broad. IllaryHay is referred to by many names including: Big Foot and ScrowSucka, for reasons you will discover later in this yarn.

  Nancy ElosiPay - Considered by most ‘snow flakes’ to be an all-time, mental giant for liberalism; Nancy plays the part of the Barbarian’s part-time squeeze and sex play toy, and is referred to as Pile Driver, She Devil and Bam Bam throughout this book.

  Harry EidRay - Another intellectual leviathan from ‘the left,’ his nickname is “B.O.”

  Albert OreGay - Progressive fruitcake who dreamed up the scam of carbon offset credits, his name in this tale is “Stinker,” which often causes a little confusion when both he and Harry B.O. get together.

  IllyBay Clinton - Before BamaOay, IllyBay was the figurehead of the Democrat Party and often referred to as a bubble-nose sex addict, a whoremonger and teenybopper molester by those of us on ‘the right.’

  Walter OnkiteCray - Departed demigod whose claim to progressive fame was the helping lose the only war the country has ever lost - Vietnam. In this fable Walter is known as Moonbeam, the chieftain and local witchdoctor. He is also lucky to be married to the next character, Moose Breath.

  Barbara AltersWay - An actor, I mean actress, whose career spanned far too many years on the media stage; she is called Moose Breath and is often mistaken for a man.

  Oprah InfreyWay - Supporting cast member who plays a small part as a primitive science scientist for the Bermuda Times; she is one of the geniuses who helps discover the doorway to another dimension, a doorway both BamaOay and Illaryhay mysteriously disappear through.

  Saul Alinskyway - Grand Imperial Poobah and communist saint, Saul is also the well known author of the Democrat Party playbook Rules for Radicals and is widely referred to as the “Pointy-Hatted Fairy,” “Dummkopf Wizard,” and “Master Baiter” in this fable.

  Jimmy ArvilleCay - Another remarkable genius of ‘the left,’ whose speech is a combination of redneck, trailer trash and University of Alabama dialects all rolled up into a near unintelligible collage of speech that only a portion of the Democrat Party can understand. Jimmy is often mistaken for the character Gollum of Lord of the Rings, hence his name in the tale: “Ig’Nollum,” which is short for ‘Ignorant Gollum.’ Ig’Nollum plays the part of baggage porter and part time political consultant for BamaOay the Barbarian.

  Diane AwyerSay - One of the only hot looking babes on ‘the left,’ she is called “Nut Goblet” and is Moose Breath’s mother...go figure.

  John EwartStay - A supporting cast member who, like Ig’Nollum, only warrants the role of baggage handler; John is often mistaken as intelligent by uneducated twenty-something snowflakes in, or just out of college. John does not have a real name in the book, but he is called things like “numb nuts,” “stupid,” and “dick head” most of the time.

  Bill AherMay - Another brilliant stooge of ‘the left,’ Bill also only warrants a role as luggage porter and is called names like “rat catcher,” “imbecile dork,” and “stupid man rat.”

  Al ArptonShay - A blockheaded warrior of the Big Hoot’Shaland clan, Al plays a short part in the story where he gets his head dashed-in by the hero of this tale. Al’s name is “Goo Goo.”

  Prologue

  Know oh reader that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities of times long past and the years of the rise of the Sons of Anarchy there was an Age undreamed of when shining kingdoms lay disappearing across the world like sandcastles beneath rising waves. . . Sicily, parts of Turkey, the Greek Isles; France with its fair-haired damsels and spires of bat haunted belfries; parts of Spain with its historic ruins; Hungry that once bordered on the pastoral lands of the subcontinent Africa; Iran with its bearded women; the Phoenician Islands whose men wore diamonds and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom to remain afloat of all was America reigning supreme in the gleaming west. Hither came BamaOay the President, black haired, sullen eyed, a law diploma in hand; a thief, a plunderer, a slayer of all that was not ‘fair and nice’ with titanic voice and not-so-small ears to tread the hallowed halls of the marble capitol under the cleats of his black and white-tasseled Oxford golf shoes.

  The Barbarian King, this historic fiction now begins!

  The Final Battle

  “What do I know of cultured ways, the gilt, the craft and the lie? I who was born in a naked land...the subtle tongue, the sophist guile, when they fail me, as they often do, my large headed driver sings to ring of clattering heads.”

  BamaOay, the Barbarian King

  The aura was just whitening in the east when the Barbarian King drew up his horde of warriors in the mouth of the Valley of Endora where the high pitched wailing of women ululating came to ear. His battle cry could be heard echoing near and far around the valley.

  This valley was flanked by low rolling hills and the floor of a grassland plain. On the eastern extremity of the valley his horde held its position awaiting the order to pounce. His grand mob was drawn up in two loose formations at the narrow head of the vale. They numbered in the hundreds and had come from every part of the land. Assembled were the Little Hoot’Shalanders from the northern regions, the Big Hoot’Shalanders from the middle regions, and even the Midi-Hoot’Shalanders from the southern extremities of the primitive kingdom; clans who all had three important things in common: their banners bore the emblem of a male donkey, a jackass, they were all largely people eaters, and their leader was known as the “Barbarian King.”

  BamaOay’s first group was made up half-naked, most with teeth missing, aboriginal sissies who could well have passed for modern-day journalists. You know, those overeducated poltroons, sissies and misfits...the oddballs most of us noticed growing up in school. Those who always said the most unusual things, had the weirdest views, dressed in the oddest of ways and were usually on the school newspaper. Those who were perpetually calling someone a bully, those who were forever getting caught doing unusual things to themselves in the bathroom stalls. Fruits that made up the news industr
y with degrees from so-called institutions of higher learning, but were really nothing more than training camps for the like-minded. They were tribal rejects and halfwits, those who longed for a place to hide, a group who resembled a sanctimonious minority who made little sense outside of trying to create mischief for the rest of their tribesmen. Those kinds of sissies made up the first group of the Barbarian’s mob and unbeknownst them they were simply there to act as cannon fodder in the upcoming battle. This cowardly group had come to believe their fearless leader when he had told them they would be the ones to change the outcome of this day in the same way they sought to impose their odd beliefs and opinions on everyone else. BamaOay had said their lifetime of experience in using the power of words to manipulate the inane would work on the enemy, so long as they believed in the power of those words over the stones and pointy sticks their enemy were certain to use. They were given the picture that they would and could succeed in teaching the enemy a lesson this day, that they were not just namby pambies who were forever ending up on the wrong side of everything; not just wimps who always made virtuous some inconsequential, perceived injustice. The words that ultimately made the difference, however, for most of them was BamaOay’s promise that the enemy would never lay a glove on them, that the second phalanx of muscled, hairy, sinewy fighters would