Billy Whiskers: The Autobiography of a Goat

  Produced by Brian Janes, Sankar Viswanathan, and the OnlineDistributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

  "LOOK HERE, THAT IS MY GOAT!"]

  BILLY WHISKERS

  THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A GOAT

  by

  Frances Trego Montgomery

  Illustrated by W. H. Fry

  Saalfield Publishing Company,

  Akron, Ohio,

  1902.

  * * * * *

  CONTENTS

  MR. WAGNER BUYS A GOAT

  BILLY WHISKERS MAKES TROUBLE

  BILLY AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN

  BILLY GIVES THE BOYS A DUCKING IN THE MILL POND

  BILLY'S ADVENTURES IN TOWN

  BILLY HAS A RIDE IN THE POLICE PATROL WAGON

  BILLY JOINS THE FIRE PATROL

  BILLY AND NANNY GET INTO MISCHIEF

  BILLY AND NANNY ARE MARRIED

  BILLY AS A PERFORMER IN THE CIRCUS

  BILLY AND THE SNAKES

  WHAT BILLY DID ON SUNDAY

  WHAT BILLY DID ON MONDAY

  WHAT BILLY DID ON TUESDAY

  WHAT BILLY DID ON WEDNESDAY

  WHAT BILLY DID ON THURSDAY

  WHAT BILLY DID ON FRIDAY

  BILLY FINDS NANNY

  * * * * *

  ILLUSTRATIONS

  "LOOK HERE, THAT IS MY GOAT!" _Frontispiece_

  IN TWO MINUTES, HE HAD SENT THE DOG FLYING OVER THE FENCE.

  THE ITALIAN WAS SO HORRIFIED AND DISMAYED TO SEE WHAT HADHAPPENED THAT HE FORGOT WHAT LITTLE ENGLISH HE KNEW.

  THIS CALLED FORTH A SHOUT OF GLEE FROM THE POLICEMEN WHO WERELOOKING OVER THE FENCE.

  THE FARMER STOPPED TO SEE WHAT ALL THE ROW WAS ABOUT.

  "OH, MY! LOOK AT THIS QUEER-LOOKING GOAT WITH THREE HORNS. DON'THE LOOK FIERCE?"

  * * * * *

  _Mr. Wagner Buys a Goat_

  Mr. Wagner lived about two miles from a small town, and hethought it would be nice for his boys to have a little goat cart,so they could drive into town for mail and do errands for thefamily.

  Without saying anything to his family, he appeared one eveningleading a nice, docile looking, long-bearded Billy goat, hitchedto a beautiful new red wagon.

  Of course, the boys were wild with delight, and their motherdisgusted, for she predicted that he would be more bother than hewas worth, and would eat up all the things in the garden. Theyanswered her that they would take good care that he never gotloose, and that no wrong would happen, if she would only letthem keep the goat. So with many misgivings she gave her consent,and Billy was led to the stable behaving like a lamb.

  The boys christened him Billy Whiskers immediately, on account ofhis long white beard. It being a warm night, they tied him near ashed, so if it rained he could go under it for protection, andgiving him some grass and a bucket of water, they went to bed todream of the fun they were going to have the next day with BillyWhiskers.

  It was five hours later when Billy awakened from his first longsleep, and feeling refreshed, thought he would take a lookaround. It was bright moonlight, and as all the lights were outin the house, he knew he would not be disturbed, for when he wentto a new place he did not like to be interfered with when he madehis first explorations, and he always preferred making them atnight, and alone. You will no doubt think that he could notexplore much, tied to a short rope, but if you think the ropemade any difference you do not know the ways of an educated goat,and Billy had no Kindergarten education either, but a regularHigh School training in that respect.

  He turned, and taking the rope in his mouth as he had done manytimes before, he quietly and peacefully chewed it until it fellapart, and then with a kick of his heels, and a wink at thehouse, he went toward the garden. From this direction the eveningbreeze was wafting to his nostrils sweet odors of dew-sprinkledlettuce and tender beet tops.

  He ate up all the lettuce, or at least all the choice heads, andwhat beets he did not eat, he stepped on. Then he walked acrossthe flower beds, and trampled down all the flowers, in a shortcut to the pump, for he was getting thirsty.

  On his way to the pump he thought he saw a man coming down theroad, so he hurried along and went up on the veranda of the houseto stand in the shadow until the man went by, for he knew thatmen often interfere with a goat's pleasure, even if it is only amoonlight stroll.

  The man having passed, he walked around the veranda trying everynow and then to look in at the window to see what kind of a househis new master had. At last he came to the front door and hecould not help trying to taste the bell knob, it looked so muchlike a knob of salt in the moonlight. To be sure he knew that itwas not salt, but it did look so good to eat, and he had ofteneaten things before that were not down on the diet list of agoat, so he took another chew but, horrors! what was that! Therewas a terrible ringing and clanging in the house,--it soundedlike a fire bell; and the next minute Mr. Wagner stuck his headout of the window and wanted to know who was there. Of coursethere was no answer, and Billy stood as still as possible tolisten and see what Mr. Wagner would do next; then he walked tothe edge of the porch, and heard Mr. Wagner say, "Who is there?Can't you answer, or are you deaf and dumb, or drunk?"

  Still no response, and Billy walked back and gave another lick atthe bell, which immediately gave another loud ring. Mr. Wagnerdrew his head in, and Billy heard him say, "I'll come down andbreak your stupid head for you, wakening people up this time ofthe night!" When Billy heard this, he thought that it was time togo, so he scooted around the house, and went and laid down by hisrope, just as if he were still tied and had not stirred a peg.

  Mr. Wagner opened the door, and finding no one there, walkedaround the house holding a candle over his head to see if somedrunken tramp had not rung the bell. He thought that he heardsteps on the veranda as he came to the door, but no one was insight only Billy Whiskers, apparently asleep by the shed.

  "Hello! Billy old fellow, how are you getting along? Seen anyonearound here lately?"

  But Billy only blinked and laughed in his skin to see Mr. Wagnerprancing around in his night-shirt, with the tallow from thecandle dropping on his bald head.

  Mr. Wagner went in and was about to get into bed, when he thoughthe saw in the moonlight a figure come out of the shed and gotoward the house. The moon went under a cloud just at that minuteand was hid from sight, so he kept still, straining his eyes tosee and his ears to hear. He heard the chain rattle on the bucketat the well.

  "Oh! ho!" he thought, "the tramp thinks that I have gone to bed,and that he will get a drink, and then prowl around some more.Well, we will see. I will just get my shot gun and fire a shot toscare him, if he does not answer."

  So grabbing his gun, which always stood by the window loaded foruse, he called out again:

  "Who is there? Speak, or I'll shoot!"

  As the words left his mouth, an object started on a run from thewell, and Mr. Wagner fired, not stopping to see what it was, butsupposing it to be a man. Just then the moon sailed from underthe cloud, and there in the moonlight lay poor Billy Whiskersstunned and nearly frightened to death with a flesh wound in hisside. When Mr. Wagner saw what he had done, and that it was onlythe goat, he pulled down the window, and went to bed, too mad toeven go to see if the goat was dead or not.

  The next morning Billy was as lively as ever, only a little faintfrom loss of blood and rather subdued. The children bathed hiswo
und with witch hazel, and after a good breakfast, he was aswell as ever, and ready for play or work.

  Of course Mrs. Wagner said, "I told you so," several times, onlyvarying it with, "Yes, you just wait and see, that goat will getinto more trouble than he is worth, just see if he won't."

  When she said this, she did not know of the midnight meal off hernice lettuce he had had in the garden.

  Billy did not get into much mischief during the remainder of theday, except chewing up the dish-rags which were hung on the lilacbush to dry, and all the flowers off the oleander.

  The next day was his unlucky day, maybe because it was Friday. Ithappened in this way, Mr. Wagner had some extra nice strawberries,which he had taken special pains to pick and fix up, intending tosend them to a friend in town. He told the boys that they couldtake the goat cart and drive into town, with the berries and somenice lettuce for his friend, and get the mail on the way back.

  The boys were delighted at the prospect of driving Billy in thenew cart. They packed the things in nicely, and hitching Billyup, drove out of the lane in fine style, on a fast trot.Everything went well until half-way to town, when Jimmy Brownsicked his dog on the goat, and then the trouble commenced.

  IN TWO MINUTES, HE HAD SENT THE DOG FLYING OVERTHE FENCE.]

  Billy Whiskers made a plunge for the dog, missed him, but gavethe cart a quick jerk, which spilled the boys and the berries outin great shape, and then the scrimmage began. The boys went forJimmy Brown, and the goat for the dog, dragging the overturnedcart with him, and in two minutes, he had sent the dog flyingover the fence, with his sharp horns. He then proceeded to walkquietly back to where the strawberries and lettuce were lying inthe road, and commenced eating them, as if nothing had happenedat all. All this time the boys were pulling each other's hair,and rolling over in the dust, in a regular pitched battle. Billyhaving eaten all he cared for, walked off and lay down in theshade to rest, still dragging the cart after him. He was justlosing himself in sleep, when he was jerked to his feet in ahurry; the cart was straightened; and before he knew what he wasabout, he was being driven toward home as fast as his legs couldgo, and from the conversation he learned that they had takentheir departure so hurriedly because they had seen Jimmy's bigbrother coming down the road, and they did not care to stop andfight him too. Arriving at home, with dirty, bloody faces;clothes torn, and no letter of thanks from the people the berrieshad been sent to, the boys were afraid to go in so they decidedthat the best plan would be to cry and howl and limp, as if theywere nearly dead, to excite their mother's sympathy; so that shewould be too frightened to scold them. They made the small holeslarger in their clothes, rubbed a little more dirt on theirfaces, and squeezed a little more blood out of their scratches;and screaming at the top of their voices, they drove into thelane. The ruse was a success, for first came Kate, the cook, tosee what was the matter; then John, the hired man; and lastmother and father, from out of the garden where they had beenexamining the damages which Billy had done two nights before.

  All mother said was, "That goat has to be sold, Silas Wagner, Itold you that trouble would come when you brought that longwhiskered animal home."

  And the next day the goat was sold.