Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen, Page 2

  "I showed th' pome to Father Kelly," continued Mr. Dooley.

  "What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "He said," Mr. Dooley replied, "that I cud write as good a wan mesilf;an' he took th' stub iv a pencil, an' wrote this. Lemme see--Ah! hereit is:--

  'Whin he shows as seekin' frindship with paws that're thrust in thine, That is th' time iv pearl, that is th' thruce iv th' line.

  'Collarless, coatless, hatless, askin' a dhrink at th' bar, Me Uncle Mike, the Fenyan, he tells it near and far,

  'Over an' over th' story: 'Beware iv th' gran' flimflam, There is no thruce with Gazabo, th' line that looks like a lamb.'

  "That's a good pome, too," said Mr. Dooley; "an' I'm goin' to sind itto th' nex' meetin' iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'liance."

  LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.

  "I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Lord Char-lesBeresford is in our mist, as Hogan says."

  "An' who th' divvle's he?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "He's a Watherford man," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed his fatherwell,--a markess be thrade, an' a fine man. Char-les wint to seaearly; but he's now in th' plastherin' business,--cemintin' th''liance iv th' United States an' England. I'll thank ye to laugh atme joke, Mr. Hinnissy, an' not be standin' there lookin' like aChinny-man in a sthreet-car."

  "I don't know what ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy, softly.

  "Lord Charles Beresford is a sort iv advance agent iv th' White Man'sBurden Thrajeedy Company,--two little Evas, four hundherd millyonTopsies, six hundherd millyon Uncle Toms. He's billin' the' counthryf'r th' threeyumphial tour iv th' Monsther Aggregation. Nawthin' canstop it. Blood is thicker than wather; an' together, ar-rm in ar-rm,we'll spread th' light iv civilization fr'm wan end iv th' wurruld toth' other, no matther what you an' Schwartzmeister say, Hinnissy.

  "Be hivins, I like th' way me kinsmen acrost th' sea, as th' pa-aperssay, threat us. 'Ye whelps,' says Lord Char-les Beresford an' RoodyardKipling an' Tiddy Rosenfelt an' th' other Anglo-Saxons. 'Foolish an'frivolous people, cheap but thrue-hearted an' insincere cousins,' theysays. ''Tis little ye know about annything. Ye ar-re a disgrace tohumanity. Ye love th' dollar betther thin ye love annything but twodollars. Ye ar-re savage, but inthrestin'. Ye misname our titles. Yeuse th' crool Krag-Jorgensen instead iv th' ca'm an' penethratin'Lee-Metford. Ye kiss ye'er heroes, an' give thim wurruk to do. Wesmash in their hats, an' illivate thim to th' peerage. Ye havedesthroyed our language. Ye ar-re rapidly convartin' our ancesthralpalaces into dwellin'-houses. Ye'er morals are loose, ye'er dhrinksar-re enervatin' but pleasant, an' ye talk through ye'er noses. Year-re mussy at th' table, an' ye have no religion. But ye ar-re whelpsiv th' ol' line. Those iv ye that ar-re not our brothers-in-law wewelcome as brothers. Ye annoy us so much ye must be mimbers iv our ownfam'ly. Th' same people that is washed occasionally be th' Mississippias it rowls majistic along th' imperyal States iv Oheeho an' Duluth,wathrin' th' fertyle plains iv Wyoming an' Mattsachusetts, is to befound airnin' a livin' on th' short but far more dirtier Thames. Wehave th' same lithrachoor. Ye r-read our Shakspere so we can'tundherstand it; an' we r-read ye'er aspirin' authors, Poe an' Lowellan' Ol' Sleuth th' Detective. We ar-re not onfamilyar with ye'erinthrestin' histhry. We ar-re as pr-roud as ye are iv th' achievementsiv Gin'ral Shafter an' Gin'ral Coxey. Ye'er ambass'dures have alwaysbeen kindly received; an', whether they taught us how to dhraw to abusted flush or wept on our collars or recited original pothry to us,we had a brotherly feelin' for thim that med us say, "Poor fellows,they're doin' th' best they can." 'So,' says they, 'come to ourar-ams, an' together we'll go out an' conquer th' wurruld.'

  "An' we're goin' to do it, Hinnissy. Th' rayciption that this heresintimint has rayceived fr'm ivry wan that has a son in colledge isalmost tumulchuse. We feel like a long-lost brother that's beensettin' outside in th' cold f'r a week, an' is now ast in tosupper--an' sarched at th' dure f'r deadly weepins. We'll have to setup sthraight an' mind our manners. No tuckin' our napkins down ourthroats or dhrinkin' out iv th' saucer or kickin' our boots off undherthe table. No reachin' f'r annything, but 'Mah, will ye kindly passth' Ph'lippeens?' or 'No, thank ye, pah, help ye'ersilf first.'

  "An' will we stay in? Faith, I dinnaw. We feel kindly to each other;but it looks to me like, th' first up in th' mornin', th' first awaywith th' valu'bles."

  "I'll niver come in," protested Mr. Hennessy, stoutly.

  "No more ye will, ye rebelyous omadhon," said Mr. Dooley. "An' 'twasthinkin' iv you an' th' likes iv you an' Schwartzmeister an' th' likesiv him that med me wondher. If th' 'liance got into a war withGarmany, an' some wan was to start a rough-an'-tumble in Ireland aboutiliction time, I wondher wud th' cimint hold!"

  HANGING ALDERMEN.

  Chicago is always on the point of hanging some one and quartering himand boiling him in hot pitch, and assuring him that he has lost therespect of all honorable men. Rumors of a characteristic agitation hadcome faintly up Archey Road, and Mr. Hennessy had heard of it.

  "I hear they're goin' to hang th' aldhermen," he said. "If they thryit on Willum J. O'Brien, they'd betther bombard him first. I'd hate tobe th' man that 'd be called to roll with him to his doom. He cud lickth' whole Civic Featheration."

  "I believe ye," said Mr. Dooley. "He's a powerful man. But I hearthere is, as ye say, what th' pa-apers 'd call a movement on fut f'rto dec'rate Chris'mas threes with aldhermen, an' 'tis wan that oughtto be encouraged. Nawthin' cud be happyer, as Hogan says, thin th'thought iv cillybratin' th' season be sthringin' up some iv th'fathers iv th' city where th' childher cud see thim. But I'm afraid,Hinnissy, that you an' me won't see it. 'Twill all be over soon, an'Willum J. O'Brien 'll go by with his head just as near his shouldersas iver. 'Tis har-rd to hang an aldherman, annyhow. Ye'd have tosuspind most iv thim be th' waist.

  "Man an' boy, I've been in this town forty year an' more; an' divvleth' aldherman have I see hanged yet, though I've sthrained th' eyesout iv me head watchin' f'r wan iv thim to be histed anny pleasantmornin'. They've been goin' to hang thim wan week an' presintin' thimwith a dimon' star th' next iver since th' year iv th' big wind, an'there's jus' as manny iv thim an' jus' as big robbers as iver therewas.

  "An' why shud they hang thim, Hinnissy? Why shud they? I'm an honestman mesilf, as men go. Ye might have ye'er watch, if ye had wan, onthat bar f'r a year, an' I'd niver touch it. It wudden't be worth mewhile. I'm an honest man. I pay me taxes, whin Tim Ryan isn't assessorwith Grogan's boy on th' books. I do me jooty; an' I believe in th'polis foorce, though not in polismen. That's diff'rent. But honest asI am, between you an' me, if I was an aldherman, I wudden't say, behivins, I think I'd stand firm; but--well, if some wan come to me an'said, 'Dooley, here's fifty thousan' dollars f'r ye'er vote to betrayth' sacred inthrests iv Chicago,' I'd go to Father Kelly an' ask th'prayers iv th' congregation.

  "'Tis not, Hinnissy, that this man Yerkuss goes up to an aldherman an'says out sthraight, 'Here, Bill, take this bundle, an' be an infamiousscoundhrel.' That's th' way th' man in Mitchigan Avnoo sees it, but'tis not sthraight. D'ye mind Dochney that was wanst aldherman here?Ye don't. Well, I do. He ran a little conthractin' business down beHalsted Sthreet 'Twas him built th' big shed f'r th' ice comp'ny. Hewas a fine man an' a sthrong wan. He begun his political career belickin' a plasthrer be th' name iv Egan, a man that had th' CountyClare thrip an' was thought to be th' akel iv anny man in town. Fr'mthat he growed till he bate near ivry man he knew, an' become verypop'lar, so that he was sint to th' council. Now Dochney was an honestan' sober man whin he wint in; but wan day a man come up to him, an'says he, 'Ye know that ordhnance Schwartz inthrajooced?' 'I do,' saysDochney, 'an I'm again it. 'Tis a swindle,' he says. "Well,' says th'la-ad, 'they'se five thousan' in it f'r ye,' he says. They had to pryDochney off iv him. Th' nex' day a man he knowed well come to Dochney,an' says he, 'That's a fine ordhnance iv Schwartz.' 'It is, likehell,' says Dochney. ''Tis a plain swindle,' he says. ''Tis a goodthing f'r th' comp'nies,' says this man; 'but look what they've donef'r th' city,' he says, 'an think,' h
e says, 'iv th' widdies an'orphans,' he says, 'that has their har-rd-earned coin invisted,' hesays. An' a tear rolled down his cheek. 'I'm an orphan mesilf,' saysDochney; 'an' as f'r th' widdies, anny healthy widdy with sthreet-carstock ought to be ashamed iv hersilf if she's a widdy long,' he says.An' th' man wint away.

  "Now Dochney thought he'd put th' five thousan' out iv his mind, buthe hadn't. He'd on'y laid it by, an' ivry time he closed his eyes hethought iv it. 'Twas a shame to give th' comp'nies what they wanted,but th' five thousan' was a lot iv money. 'Twud lift th' morgedge.'Twud clane up th' notes on th' new conthract. 'Twud buy a new dhressf'r Mrs. Dochney. He begun to feel sorrowful f'r th' widdies an'orphans. 'Poor things!' says he to himsilf, says he. 'Poor things, howthey must suffer!' he says; 'an' I need th' money. Th' sthreet-carcomp'nies is robbers,' he says; 'but 'tis thrue they've built up th'city,' he says, 'an th' money 'd come in handy,' he says. 'No wan 'd behurted, annyhow,' he says; 'an', sure, it ain't a bribe f'r to takemoney f'r doin' something ye want to do, annyhow,' he says. 'Fivethousan' widdies an' orphans,' he says; an' he wint to sleep.

  "That was th' way he felt whin he wint down to see ol' Simpson torenew his notes, an' Simpson settled it. 'Dochney,' he says, 'I wishtye'd pay up,' he says. 'I need th' money,' he says. 'I'm afraid th'council won't pass th' Schwartz ordhnance,' he says; 'an' it manesmuch to me,' he says. 'Be th' way,' he says, 'how're ye goin' to voteon that ordhnance?' he says. 'I dinnaw,' says Dochney. 'Well,' saysSimpson (Dochney tol' me this himsilf), 'whin ye find out, come an'see me about th' notes,' he says. An' Dochney wint to th' meetin';an', whin his name was called, he hollered 'Aye,' so loud a chunk ivplaster fell out iv th' ceilin' an' stove in th' head iv a rayformaldherman."

  "Did they hang him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Faith, they did not," said Mr. Dooley. "He begun missin' his jooty atwanst. Aldhermen always do that after th' first few weeks. 'Ye gotye'er money,' says Father Kelly; 'an' much good may it do ye,' hesays. 'Well,' says Dochney, 'I'd be a long time prayin' mesilf intofive thousan',' he says. An' he become leader in th' council. Th' las'ordhnance he inthrojooced was wan establishin' a license f'r churches,an' compellin' thim to keep their fr-ront dure closed an' th' blindsdrawn on Sundah. He was expelled fr'm th' St. Vincent de Pauls, an'ilicted a director iv a bank th' same day.

  "Now, Hinnissy, that there man niver knowed he was bribed--th' firsttime. Th' second time he knew. He ast f'r it. An' I wudden't hangDochney. I wudden't if I was sthrong enough. But some day I'm goin' tolet me temper r-run away with me, an' get a comity together, an' goout an' hang ivry dam widdy an' orphan between th' rollin' mills an'th' foundlin's' home. If it wasn't f'r thim raypechious crathers,they'd be no boodle annywhere."

  "Well, don't forget Simpson," said Mr. Hennessy.

  "I won't," said Mr. Dooley, "I won't."

  THE GRIP.

  Mr. Dooley was discovered making a seasonable beverage, consisting ofone part syrup, two parts quinine, and fifteen parts strong waters.

  "What's the matter?" asked Mr. McKenna.

  "I have th' lah gr-rip," said Mr. Dooley, blowing his nose and wipinghis eyes. "Bad cess to it! Oh, me poor back! I feels as if a dhray hadrun over it. Did ye iver have it? Ye did not? Well, ye're lucky. Ye'rea lucky man.

  "I wint to McGuire's wake las' week. They gave him a dacint sind-off.No porther. An' himsilf looked natural, as fine a corpse as iver Gavinlayed out. Gavin tould me so himsilf. He was as proud iv McGuire as ifhe owned him. Fetched half th' town in to look at him, an' give ivrywan iv thim cards. He near frightened ol' man Dugan into a faint.'Misther Dugan, how old a-are ye?' 'Sivinty-five, thanks be,' saysDugan. 'Thin,' says Gavin, 'take wan iv me cards,' he says. 'I hopeye'll not forget me,' he says.

  "'Twas there I got th' lah grip. Lastewise, it is me opinion iv it,though th' docthor said I swallowed a bug. It don't seem right, Jawn,f'r th' McGuires is a clane fam'ly; but th' docthor said a bug gotinto me system. 'What sort iv bug?' says I. 'A lah grip bug,' he says.'Ye have Mickrobes in ye'er lungs,' he says. 'What's thim?' says I.'Thim's th' lah grip bugs,' says he. 'Ye took wan in, an' warmed it,'he says; 'an' it has growed an' multiplied till ye'er system does befull iv' thim,' he says, 'millions iv thim,' he says, 'marchin' an'counthermarchin' through ye.' 'Glory be to the saints!' says I. 'Had Ibetter swallow some insect powdher?' I says. 'Some iv thim in me headhas a fallin' out, an' is throwin' bricks.' 'Foolish man,' says he.'Go to bed,' he says, 'an' lave thim alone,' he says, 'Whin they findwho they're in,' he says, 'they'll quit ye.'

  "So I wint to bed, an' waited while th' Mickrobes had fun with me.Mondah all iv thim was quite but thim in me stummick. They stayed uplate dhrinkin' an' carousin' an' dancin' jigs till wurruds come upbetween th' Kerry Mickrobes an' thim fr'm Wexford; an' th' whole partywint over to me left lung, where they cud get th' air, an' had it out.Th' nex' day th' little Mickrobes made a toboggan slide iv me spine;an' manetime some Mickrobes that was wurkin' f'r th' tilliphonecomp'ny got it in their heads that me legs was poles, an' put on theirspikes an' climbed all night long.

  "They was tired out th' nex' day till about five o'clock, whin thimthat was in me head begin flushin' out th' rooms; an' I knew there wasgoin' to be doin's in th' top flat. What did thim Mickrobes do butinvite all th' other Mickrobes in f'r th' ev'nin'. They all come. Oh,by gar, they was not wan iv them stayed away. At six o'clock theybegin to move fr'm me shins to me throat. They come in platoons an'squads an' dhroves. Some iv thirn brought along brass bands, an' morethin wan hundherd thousand iv thim dhruv through me pipes on dhrays. Athrolley line was started up me back, an' ivry car run into awagon-load iv scrap iron at th' base iv me skull.

  "Th' Mickrobes in me head must 've done thimsilves proud. Ivry fewminyits th' kids 'd be sint out with th' can, an' I'd say to mesilf:'There they go, carryin' th' thrade to Schwartzmeister's because I'msick an' can't wait on thim.' I was daffy, Jawn, d'ye mind. Th' likesiv me fillin' a pitcher f'r a little boy-bug! Such dhreams! An' theyhad a game iv forty-fives; an' there was wan Mickrobe that larned toplay th' game in th' County Tipp'rary, where 'tis played on stone, an'ivry time he led thrumps he'd like to knock me head off. 'Whose thrickis that?' says th' Tipp'rary Mickrobe. ''Tis mine,' says th'red-headed Mickrobe fr'm th' County Roscommon. They tipped over th'chairs an' tables: an', in less time thin it takes to tell, th' wholeparty was at it. They'd been a hurlin' game in th' back iv me skull,an' th' young folks was dancin' breakdowns an' havin' leppin' matchesin me forehead; but they all stopped to mix in. Oh, 'twas a grandshindig--tin millions iv men, women, an' childher rowlin' on th'flure, hands an' feet goin', ice-picks an' hurlin' sticks, clubs,brickbats, an' beer kags flyin' in th' air! How manny iv thim was kiltI niver knew; f'r I wint as daft as a hen, an' dhreamt iv organizin' aMickrobe Campaign Club that 'd sweep th' prim'ries, an' maybe go acrostan' free Ireland. Whin I woke up, me legs was as weak as a day oldbaby's, an' me poor head impty as a cobbler's purse. I want no more ivthim. Give me anny bug fr'm a cockroach to an aygle save an' exciptthim West iv Ireland Fenians, th' Mickrobes."

  LEXOW.

  "This here wave iv rayform," said Mr. Dooley, "this here wave ivrayform, Jawn, mind ye, that's sweepin' over th' counthry, mind ye,now, Jawn, is raisin' th' divvle, I see be th' pa-apers. I've seenwaves iv rayform before, Jawn. Whin th' people iv this counthry getswurruked up, there's no stoppin' thim. They'll not dhraw breath untilivry man that took a dollar iv a bribe is sent down th' r-road. Thimthat takes two goes on th' comity iv th' wave iv rayform.

  "It sthruck th' r-road las' week. Darcey, th' new polisman on th' bate,comes in here ivry night f'r to study spellin' an' figgers. I thinkthey'll throw him down, whin he goes to be examined. Wan iv th' wildla-ads down be th' slough hit him with a brick wanst, an' he ain't beenable to do fractions since. Thin he's got inflammathry rheumatismenough to burn a barn, an' he can't turn a page without makin' ye thinkhe's goin' to lose a thumb. He's got wife an' childher, an' he's on inyears; but he's a polisman, an' he's got to be rayformed. I tell himall I can. He didn't know where St. Pethersburg was
till I tould him itwas th' capital iv Sweden. They'll not give him th' boots on thatthere question. Ye bet ye'er life they won't, Jawn.

  "I seen th' aldherman go by yisterdah; an' he'd shook his dimon 'stud,an' he looked as poor as a dhrayman. He's rayformed. Th' littleDutchman that was ilicted to th' legislachure says he will stay home.Says I, 'Why?' Says he, 'There's nawthin' in it.' He's rayformed. Th'wather inspictor, that used to take a dhrink an' a seegar an' reportme two pipes less thin I have, turned me in las' week f'r a gardenhose an' a ploonge bath. He's rayformed. Th' wave iv rayform hassthruck, an' we're all goin' around now with rubbers on.

  "They've organized th' Ar-rchey Road Lexow Sodality, an' 'tis th' waninstitootion that Father Kelly up west iv th' bridge 'll duck his headto. All th' best citizens is in it. Th' best citizens is thim that th'statue iv limitations was made f'r. Barrister Hogan tol' me--an' adacint man, but give to dhrink--that, whin a man cud hide behind th'statue iv limitations, he was all r-right. I niver seen it. Is thatth' wan on th' lake front? No, tubby sure, tubby sure. No wan 'd hidebehind that.

  "Th' Ar-rchey Road Lexow Sodality is composed iv none but square men.They all have th' coin, Jawn. A man that's broke can't be square. He'sgot too much to do payin' taxes. If I had a million, divvle th' stepwould I step to confession. I'd make th' soggarth come an' confess tome. They say that th' sthreets iv Hivin was paved with goold. I'll betye tin to wan that with all th' square men that goes there ivry yearthey have ilecloth down now."