Mr. Dooley Says

  Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and thePG Online Distributed Proofreading Team

  Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

  BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR,""MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC.

  NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

  CONTENTS

  PAGEDIVORCE 1

  GLORY 14

  WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25

  THE BACHELOR TAX 40

  THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50

  PANICS 67

  OCEAN TRAVEL 78

  WORK 89

  DRUGS 100

  A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106

  THE ARMY CANTEEN 110

  THINGS SPIRITUAL 123

  BOOKS 134

  THE TARIFF 144

  THE BIG FINE 158

  EXPERT TESTIMONY 168

  THE CALL OF THE WILD 180

  THE JAPANESE SCARE 193

  THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204

  TURKISH POLITICS 214

  VACATIONS 227

  Mr. DOOLEY SAYS

  DIVORCE

  "Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a DivoorceCongress."

  "What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxurysupplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin amarrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go onlivin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way somemornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at eachother over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he hasth' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Renoin ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wudfind throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No,sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river.There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize,an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pallbearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timpraryhusband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an'dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th'neighbors are agin it.

  "But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoomarredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' anonhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' newan' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th'jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride.

  "Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about wasassembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's atur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'yto be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border.There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossiblef'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There'sno regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'rdivoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman canbe freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wearsCongress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name backbecause his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup.

  "In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe hisboots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye canbe divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint.Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' partiesdhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' otherdoes, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sickheadaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he giveher, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society ivth' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get adivoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he hasless. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibilityiv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' sametime. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy.

  "But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A man thatwants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour ivour gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may wantto do it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart.

  "It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws oughtto be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shudbe th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply begoin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th'lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd gofarther. Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I'd let annyman escape be jumpin' th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I wasr-runnin' this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th' grip, writea note to his wife that afther thinkin' it over f'r forty years he hadmade up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge withth' mother iv so manny iv his childher, an' go out to return no more.

  "I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what Ir-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappilymated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver intheir thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-rebeyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifullyrelease thim.

  "Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' aboutth' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filledwith tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was afireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th'daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyalgulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein'promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full ivMonongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because ivth' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to bedenied. Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid.

  "F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twintyyears an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to besupported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th'desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked hisway to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' OilCan, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th'diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large moneyan' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'dwished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a callf'r six o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th'roundhouse on time.

  "But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf asthough he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw himon a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He wasreceived with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew thecombynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kingsiv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest buttasteful dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagneinto which th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iverread about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'yhotels, night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New Yorkye read about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cudfall on his bald but youthful head.

  "An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful tosay that th' lady to whom our fri
nd was tied f'r life had not kept pacewith him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' takenwhat Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their booklarnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th'childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv businessthin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th'throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into hisoffice.

  "A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to readabout, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to tell yethat th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he use towhistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. It's no aisything to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate th' hair withanother. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper classes in New Yorkshe was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their tastes was decidedlydissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he carrid th' wash pitcherdown to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, while she dandled th' baby an'fried th' round steak at th' same time. That day was past. She hadn'tgot to th' pint where she cud dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv hernose. Th' passin' years had impaired all possible foundations f'r a newcrop iv hair. Sometimes conversation lagged.

  "Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successfulexthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. Gough. Shegot her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was there f'r this joyntintelleck an' this household tyrant to talk about? No wondher he pined.Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin bein' compelled to set down ivrymonth or two an' chat about a new tooth that Hiven had just sint to afam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was that all. She give him no rest. Time an'time again she asked him was he comin' home that night. She tortured hisproud spirit be recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th'window iv th' room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so faras to dhraw on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives--theirtears. One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seenher. Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim thisgr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise whinhe didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin th' Gr-reatFi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' Judge to sthrikeoff th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a divoorce.

  "I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said Mr.Hennessy.

  "Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether does th'parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's marrid he'smarrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand in th' grab-bagan' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money back.

  "'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye talkin'about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two people in th'wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was there iver afrindship that was annything more thin a kind iv suspension bridgebetween quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv life,' says he, 'we leapfr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv th' best-timpered men in th'wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest ivmortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' same house with Saint Jerome,' hesays, 'an' there'd be at laste wan day in th' month whin I'd answer hislast wurrd be slammin' th' dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally afightin' an quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don'talways turn away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th'throuble about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wanthat made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, I'dniver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye had a badmouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' partnership because ye'ara cantankerous old villain that no wan cud get on with,' he says. 'Ifpeople knew they cudden't get away fr'm each other they'd settle down tolife, just as I detarmined to like coal smoke whin I found th'collection wasn't big enough to put a new chimbley in th' parish house.I've acchally got to like it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition ivhuman life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've gotto endure it,' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this,that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved overbreakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an'he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoonthey're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a poor gintlemanan' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her anger into rubbin'th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor gintleman aises his bemurdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be th' time night comesar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to go home annyhow, an'it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm misjudged, an' he puts apound iv candy into his coat pocket an' goes home an' finds herstandin' at th' dure with a white apron on an' some new ruching ar-roundher neck,' he says.

  "An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions."

  "I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly think?"

  "I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced I'd letthim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' childher. They'dlarn thim to behave."