Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War

  Mr. DOOLEY

  IN PEACE AND IN WAR

  BostonSmall, Maynard & Company1899

  Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago JournalCopyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company

  First Edition (10,000 copies) November, 1898Second Edition (10,000 copies) December, 1898Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, 1899

  Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A.

  TO W.H. TURNER

  PREFACE.

  Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly cityto the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunityto call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two--that is tosay, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far fromthe polis station--lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy.

  There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turnedback from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road,have nearly exhausted the original population,--not driven them out asthey drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears,but edged them out with the more biting weapons of moderncivilization,--overworked and under-eaten them into more languidsurroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blastfurnaces of the rolling-mill.

  But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the ArcheyRoad. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland,from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisyElizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisitevariations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with thedifference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders andsulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also youcan see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and theother fetes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened byAmerican usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. Onthe eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookiesplay thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that MalachiDempsey was called "by the other people," and disappeared west of thetracks, and never came back.

  A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple liketh' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whinth' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butlerwr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' allye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon'stud. An' 'tis so."

  The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed,encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrainedfrom the immoral pursuit of office.

  The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the worldare these friends of Mr. Dooley,--knowing and innocent; moral, butgiving no heed at all to patented political moralities.

  Among them lives and prospers the traveller, archaeologist, historian,social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has notbeen out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads thenewspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all theyprint for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against hislogic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterruptedby the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passingshow, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to thedesensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm.

  "There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rcheyRoad," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th'sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is thatgr-reat ye can't think."

  He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for hehas mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leadinga prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that heowns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on hislicense. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr.Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight,an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five." Mr. Dooley says Mr.Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark,"I'm old enough to know betther." He has served his country withdistinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of hisprecinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk ofnominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he waspersonally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of thecentral committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a manof Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the politicalsituation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he hasresolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His earlyexperience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics," hesays, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an'pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, "AsShakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward.'"

  An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few ofthe more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. Forpermission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due toMr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago _Journal_, and to Mr. Dooley'sconstant friend, Mr. H.H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago _Evening Post_.

  F. P. D.

  CONTENTS.

  MR. DOOLEY IN WAR PAGE

  ON DIPLOMACY 1

  ON WAR PREPARATIONS 6

  ON FITZ-HUGH LEE 10

  ON MULES AND OTHERS 14

  ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE 20

  ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS 25

  ON STRATEGY 30

  ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION 34

  ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY 39

  ON THE PHILIPPINES 43

  ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY 48

  ON THE ANGLO-SAXON 53

  ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT 58

  ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES 63

  ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET 68

  ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW 73

  ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT 77

  ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY 81

  ON THE HERO IN POLITICS 87

  MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE

  ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 95

  ON GOLD-SEEKING 100

  ON BOOKS 105

  ON REFORM CANDIDATES 111

  ON PATERNAL DUTY 118

  ON CRIMINALS 124

  ON A PLOT 130

  ON THE NEW WOMAN 136

  ON EXPERT TESTIMONY 141

  ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN 146

  ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL 152

  ON THE NECESS
ITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH 158

  ON THE POWER OF LOVE 165

  ON THE VICTORIAN ERA 170

  ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION 175

  ON POLITICAL PARADES 181

  ON CHARITY 187

  ON NANSEN 192

  ON A POPULIST CONVENTION 197

  ON A FAMILY REUNION 202

  ON A FAMOUS WEDDING 208

  ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY 213

  ON ORATORY IN POLITICS 218

  ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 223

  ON ANARCHISTS 229

  ON THE DREYFUS CASE 234

  ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE 239

  ON THE INDIAN WAR 245

  ON GOLF 249

  ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER 255

  MR. DOOLEY IN WAR

  ON DIPLOMACY.

  "I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, thishere Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him.A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ardsthat ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's beenthrough manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic,where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads,'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat.F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he'stackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'mMitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tailpockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up againGladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,--hisname's got away from me,--an' he's done thim all.

  "Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without acustomer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seizeth' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes ama-an fr'm th' counthry,--a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in hishand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to getout iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larnednot to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn'toffer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got sohe can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a backsummersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon.They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back toCanton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot timehe's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer Housebarber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.

  "An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ardsidly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner ivhis eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f'r th'law that has a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Cantonthinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes hecan't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to hischest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye seeit ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent.He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make himlook foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whinit comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' countson him till his ar-rm is sore."

  "Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr.Hennessy.

  "Lord knows," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it didwith two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headedman be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden'sgrove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-anwurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave mehave some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shellivry time.' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' hewint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell asplain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he leftth' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all ivO'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r todecide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in.'An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'dlost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was hisgame. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid itover to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thimmatcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rdye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis comear-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds."

  ON WAR PREPARATIONS

  "Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"

  "Splendid, thank ye," said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rtthrob with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard."

  "Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"

  "Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wanhundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'm th' Gussie, with tinthousand cannons hurlin' projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd poundssivinteen miles. Winsdah night a second ar-rmy iv injineers, miners,plumbers, an' lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four hundherd an'eighty thousand men, ar-rmed with death-dealin' canned goods, washurried to Havana to storm th' city.

  "Thursdah mornin' three thousand full rigimints iv r-rough r-riders swumtheir hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a spirited battlecaptured th' Rainy Christiny golf links, two up an' hell to play, an'will hold thim again all comers. Th' same afthernoon th' reg'larcavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mountedmen, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J., and departed on their earned ivdeath amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind atChickamaha. These cav'lry'll co-operate with Commodore Schlow; an' whinhe desthroys th' Spanish fleet, as he does ivry Sundah an' holy dayexcept in Lent, an' finds out where they ar-re an' desthroys thim,afther batterin' down th' forts where they ar-re con-cealed so that hecan't see thim, but thinks they ar-re on their way f'r to fight CousinGeorge Dooley, th' cav'lry will make a dash back to Tampa, where Gin'ralMiles is preparin' to desthroy th' Spanish at wan blow,--an' he's th'boy to blow.

  "The gin'ral arrived th' other day, fully prepared f'r th' bloody wurrukiv war. He had his intire fam'ly with him. He r-rode recklessly intocamp, mounted on a superb specyal ca-ar. As himsilf an' Uncle MikeMiles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years,dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheersbe eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'rtheir counthry. Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful that no news isallowed to go out; but I have it fr'm th' specyal corryspondint ivMesilf, Clancy th' Butcher, Mike Casey, an' th' City Direchtry thatGin'ral Miles instantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where he made hisplans f'r cr-rushin' th' Spanyards at wan blow. He will equip th' ar-rmywith blow-guns at wanst. His uniforms ar-re comin' down in specyal steelprotected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where they've been kept f'r ayear. He has ordhered out th' gold resarve f'r to equip his staff,numberin' eight thousan' men, manny iv whom ar-re clubmen; an', as soonas he can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush th' Spanish with wanblow. Th' purpose iv
th' gin'ral is to permit no delay. Decisive actionis demanded be th' people. An', whin th' hot air masheens has been sintto th' front, Gin'ral Miles will strike wan blow that'll be th' damdestblow since th' year iv th' big wind in Ireland.

  "Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions in th' cabinet; but they don't amount tonawthin'. Th' Sicrety iv War is in favor iv sawin' th' Spanish ar-rmyinto two-be-four joists. Th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury has a scheme f'rroonin' thim be lindin' thim money. Th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wants to suethim befure th' Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've heerd that th'Prisident is arrangin' a knee dhrill, with th' idee iv prayin' th'villyans to th' divvil. But these diff'rences don't count. We're all wanpeople, an' we look to Gin'ral Miles to desthroy th' Spanish with wanblow. Whin it comes, trees will be lifted out be th' roots. MorroCastle'll cave in, an' th' air'll be full iv Spanish whiskers. A longblow, a sthrong blow, an' a blow all together."

  "We're a gr-reat people," said Mr. Hennessy, earnestly.

  "We ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "We ar-re that. An' th' best iv it is, weknow we ar-re."

  ON FITZ-HUGH LEE.

  "Iv coorse, he's Irish," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' Fitz-Hughs an' th'McHughs an' th' McKeoughs is not far apart. I have a cousin be th' nameiv McKeough, an' like as not th' gin'ral is a relation iv mine."

  "If I was you, I'd write him an' see," said Mr. Hennessy. "He's agr-reat ma-an."

  "He is so," said Mr. Dooley. "He is that. Wan iv th' gr-reatest. An' whyshudden't he be with thim two names? They'se pothry in both iv thim.Fitz-Hugh Lee! Did ye iver see a pitcher iv him? A fat ma-an, with ahead like a football an' a neck big enough to pump blood into his brainan' keep it fr'm starvin'. White-haired an' r-red-faced. Th' kind ivma-an that can get mad in ivry vein in his body. Whin he's hot, I bet yehis face looks like a fire in a furniture facthry. Whin a ma-an goespale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife in th' back. But, whin he flamesup so that th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look out f'r hand an'feet an' head an' coupling pins an' rapid-firin' guns. Fitz can be ca'mwhin they'se annything to be ca'm about, but he can't wait. If he was awaiter, he'd be wurrukin' at th' thrade. Look at th' jaw iv him! It'slike a paving block.