Glimpses, Page 2

  “We aren’t.”

  “Good. But I got this, thinking it would fill the space that you had emptied.”

  “Please don’t.”

  “But it can’t. You’re the best thing I’ve got going for me right now, and I don’t want to throw that away. I don’t want to throw us away. And I don’t want to drink us away either.”

  “I’m sorry, Shaun.”

  “I’m the one who should be sorry.”

  “No, I should know better than to listen to what Jon says about you.”

  “He’s your brother. He loves you, and he thinks he’s just doing what’s best for you. And maybe he’s right about some things.”

  “No, he’s not.”

  “I could do something more with my life.”

  “Why? Because Jon thinks so?”

  “No.”

  “Why then?”

  “Because I think you deserve something more.”

  * * *

  Mike was holding his head in his hands when I went back into the waiting room.

  I sat down beside him and ran my hand along his back.

  “Mike, what happened? Did his doctor come out?”

  He shook his head.

  “I can’t lose him, Harleigh.”

  “You aren’t going to lose him.”

  “What’s taking so long? What are they doing to him?”

  “Jon’s coming. He’s flying down.”

  “What?”

  “Jon’s going to come. He’s gonna be OK.”

  “What did Jon say?”

  “He’s going to catch the first flight he can. And we have to stay strong; we have to stay strong for Shaun.”

  * * *

  During the summer, Shaun helped coach a Little League team. One Saturday, Jimmy Mason took a big swing and somehow connected with Shaun’s head instead of the ball.

  I was there. I remembered all the blood.

  I drove him to the hospital as he held a towel against his face.

  “It figures the first time the kid made contact, it would be with me instead of with the ball.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m OK. Have I ever told you how much I hate the sight of blood?”

  “If you’re going to be sick, please roll down the window.”

  I squeezed his knee.

  “So you’re gonna take care of me right, Harleigh?”

  “This is a very serious injury. It will require nonstop supervision.”

  “Nonstop supervision — I like the sound of that.”

  We checked him in at the emergency room. Then I went back with him as the doctor stitched him up.

  He never let go of my hand.

  * * *

  Mike was holding my hand when Shaun’s doctor came into the waiting room.

  Dr. Matthews sat down beside us.

  “Are you Shaun Parker’s family?”

  Mike spoke.

  “Yes, we’re his family. Is he…”

  The doctor’s eyes looked tired.

  “He pulled through. I don’t know how, but he did.”

  After that, nothing else seemed relevant. My tears started to fall.

  “But it’s still going to be touch and go for a while. He’s not in the clear yet.”

  I knew he was going to be just fine. Mike wanted the doctor to say this.

  “But he’s gonna be just fine, right? Eventually he’ll be just fine, right?”

  “I wish I could tell you that, but I can’t. We’re going to have to take this slow. But like I said, these next couple hours are going to be critical.”

  Through the tears, some words managed to escape.

  “Can we see him?”

  The doctor nodded.

  * * *

  My parents were killed in a car accident when I was five.

  I don’t really remember much about them, only what my brothers have told me.

  But I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room the night it happened.

  Jon was home from college for winter break.

  He couldn’t get in touch with our grandma so he piled Greg, Noah, Drew and me into the car.

  We didn’t know what was happening.

  Only later did we find out our dad had died instantly. Our mom only made it for a couple hours after they got her to the hospital.

  In my Smurf pajamas, I sat in the waiting room on Greg’s lap.

  I can still see the doctor coming into the waiting room.

  And I’ll never forget the look on his face when he saw the five of us.

  * * *

  I went into Shaun’s room first while Mike stayed outside and talked to his doctor.

  I didn’t need to hear, I didn’t want to hear all that technical jargon of what was wrong with him. I just needed, I just wanted to hold his hand.

  He didn’t look like Shaun, like my Shaun lying in that bed with tubes and machines all hooked up to him.

  I wiped my eyes as I took his hand.

  I kissed his warm skin.

  “Hey, cutie.

  “You’re gonna be just fine.

  “I know you are.

  “You wouldn’t leave me.

  “I know you wouldn’t.”

  I looked at the liquid from the IV slowly dripping into him.

  “I’m sorry, Shaun.

  “I was scared.

  “But I love you so much.

  “And I know you know that.

  “And I know you’re gonna wake up and be just fine.

  “I love you so much.”

  I held his hand as I watched the lines on the machine, telling me that his heart was still beating.

  * * *

  One night we were on Shaun’s porch looking at the stars.

  He pointed at the sky.

  “Back in the day when I was a Boy Scout, I used to know all these constellations and stuff.”

  “Back in the day?”

  I laughed.

  “Are you making fun of me, Harleigh?”

  He reached over to tickle me.

  I shook my head.

  “Me make fun of you? Never.”

  He stood up and extended his hand to me.

  “Do you hear it?” I shook my head. “They’re playing our song.”

  I stood up and wrapped my arms around him.

  We were dancing; we were barely moving.

  “Hey, Harleigh.”

  “Hey what?”

  He kissed the top of my head.

  “Nothing.”

  “Come on, Shaun, tell me.”

  “Harleigh…”

  His arms wrapped even tighter around me.

  “Yes…”

  “I love you.”

  I kissed him.

  “I love you, too.”

  “No, I really love you.”

  “I really love you, Shaun.”

  “No, Harleigh, I’m so totally and completely in love with you.”

  I buried my head in his chest.

  I could feel his heart racing.

  I knew he meant it.

  * * *

  I don’t know how long I stood there holding his hand, watching him.

  I heard Mike come in the room.

  “Harleigh, why don’t you take a break? I’ll stay with him for a little bit.”

  Reluctantly I let go of his hand.

  “Did you talk some more with his doctor, Mike?”

  “A little bit.”

  “And?”

  “It’s not good.”

  “He’s gonna be fine, Mike.”

  Mike’s arms wrapped around me.

  “It doesn’t even look like him, Harleigh.”

  I looked back over at the bed.

  “No, he doesn’t. But he’s still the Shaun I love.”

  * * *

  It was my birthday.

  And I was in the front of the room, going over that week’s spelling words with my second-grade class.

  Tommy Campbell raised his hand.

  “Miss Murphy
, can I go to the bathroom, PLEEEEASE?”

  “Yes, Tommy, but don’t forget to take the hall pass with you.”

  Tommy came back in a couple minutes with a happy birthday balloon.

  “I found this for you.”

  They all giggled; the little girls were squealing.

  “Tommy, where did you get that?”

  He pointed out the door.

  “Out there.”

  I went out into the hallway. There was Shaun.

  “Shaun, what are you doing here?”

  “Happy Birthday.”

  “Shaun, what are you doing here?”

  “I came to wish you a happy birthday.”

  “But we’re going out tonight.”

  “But we’re having a little party for you now.”

  “Party?”

  He opened the door to my room.

  My entire class was huddled in the front of the room around a table of cupcakes.

  “Happy Birthday, Miss Murphy!!!!!”

  Then they all started to sing — even Shaun.

  As we ate cupcakes, they each gave me a card they had made in art class. Rose was the art teacher and had helped coordinate this little party.

  Shaun also had connections at the school now, through some of his mom’s old friends. They had been so excited to see him at the holiday party, so excited to see the man he had become.

  Shaun just smiled as he looked like a giant sitting in a little chair.

  The little girls were hanging all over him as usual. They loved him.

  I loved him.

  * * *

  I stood outside the room and watched them.

  Mike was falling apart. But he was trying so hard to remain strong.

  For Shaun. For me.

  He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and saw me out of the corner of his eye.

  He waved for me to come in.

  “How’re you doing, Mike?”

  He just nodded.

  “He’s just my little brother.”

  “It’s OK.”

  “He’s got all these tubes and machines everywhere. And there’s nothing I can do.”

  “I know, Mike.”

  “There’s nothing we can do.”

  “We’ll be here until there is something we can do.”

  I saw the tears streaming down his face but pretended not to.

  “I used to beat up on him pretty good when we were little.”

  Shaun never talked much about when he was younger.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  Mike tried to smile.

  “I gave him a really nice shiner the day before his first-grade class picture. Our mom was so mad.”

  “He never told me that.”

  “But I would never let anything happen to him. I’d never let anything happen to him.”

  * * *

  For our one-year anniversary, Shaun bought tickets for a play I wanted to see.

  I knew he didn’t want to go. Going meant wearing a tie.

  But he did it for me.

  He was walking me to my apartment after the play.

  “You know, that was kind of fun. It was good, I mean.”

  I smiled and wrapped my arm around his.

  “Thank you, Shaun.”

  “For what?”

  “For tonight.”

  “Happy anniversary, Harleigh.”

  “Happy anniversary, Shaun.”

  “I’m glad you liked the play.”

  “You knew I would.”

  “Yeah, I did. I’m good like that.”

  “Hey, Shaun.”

  “Hey what?”

  “I’m glad I found you.”

  “I should be the one saying that to you, Harleigh. You could have anybody.”

  “No, I couldn’t, but that doesn’t matter because I only want you.”

  “Good because you’re stuck with me.”

  “Good because you’re stuck with me, Shaun.”

  “I can deal with that.”

  * * *

  It was early evening.

  Mike and I sat on opposite sides of Shaun’s bed.

  We were waiting.

  I must have fallen asleep for a couple minutes because I awoke to Jon’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Harleigh, wake up.”

  I looked up at him and started to cry.

  “Come on, why don’t we go get something to eat?”

  We said goodbye to Mike and went down to the cafeteria.

  “How’s he doing, Harleigh?”

  “I don’t know. Not good I guess.”

  “What did his doctor say?”

  “I couldn’t understand.”

  “You don’t know what he said at all?”

  “The first couple hours were going to be critical. Jon, he’s not going to die, is he?”

  “I hope not. I’ll talk to his doctor if it’s OK with Mike. Have you been home?”

  “Not since they brought him in.”

  “What happened?”

  “He was in an accident.”

  Before he even asked, I answered him.

  “No, Jon, he wasn’t drunk.”

  “Harleigh…”

  “We had a huge fight. And I shouldn’t have let him leave.”

  “This isn’t your fault.”

  “I knew that he was upset when he left.”

  “Harleigh, you need to get some sleep. You need to be strong for him.”

  “I can’t sleep unless I know he’s gonna be OK.”

  “I’ll talk to Mike and his doctor.”

  * * *

  Shaun and I were still in the “just friends” stage when I told him about my parents.

  Usually I never told anyone. But I felt comfortable telling him.

  He was looking at the pictures I had of my brothers.

  “I can’t believe you survived growing up with four older brothers.”

  “It was pretty traumatizing at times.”

  “Are you close with all of them?”

  “Pretty much. But Noah and Greg and I are probably the closest.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  “Why?”

  I knew there were so many ways I could answer this question without telling him.

  But I wanted to tell him.

  “My parents were killed in a wreck when I was little.”

  I didn’t give him a chance to say anything.

  “And after that, Greg and Noah and Drew and I went to live with our grandma. Jon was already in college. My grandma died when I was about 15, and Noah and I went to live with Greg.”

  “Harleigh, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s OK.”

  “I shouldn’t… I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s OK.”

  I smiled.

  “I guess that explains why they’re so protective of me.”

  He wrapped his arms around me.

  And I didn’t want him to let go.

  * * *

  Jon went to talk to Shaun’s doctor – after Mike had given them the all clear. Mike went home to take a shower.

  And I was back at his bedside, holding his hand.

  “Jon’s here.

  “He’s gonna talk to your doctor.

  “I know you’ll wake up when you’re ready.

  “But I hope it’s soon.

  “I don’t really like seeing you like this.”

  I looked at his face, expressionless.

  “I miss seeing you smile.

  “Or hearing you laugh.

  “Or just watching you.”

  I touched one of his swollen cheeks.

  “So I lied to you, Shaun.

  “I’ve thought about marrying you probably every day for the last year.

  “Rose is going to help me design my dress.

  “And we’re gonna get married outside by the lake.

  “If that’s OK with you.

  “I shouldn’t have lied to you, Shaun; I shouldn’t have lie
d to you.”

  * * *

  I was up at Greg’s one Saturday afternoon.

  He had gotten out a box of our parents’ wedding photos.

  “She looks so beautiful, Greg.”

  “You look just like her.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Just like her, Harleigh. You’ve even got some of her mannerisms.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “Like how you bite your nails, how your laugh is more of a giggle than an actual laugh.”

  “I wish that I would have gotten to grow up with them, had them there for everything, you know, really have gotten to know them.”

  “They would be so proud of you, Harleigh, and everything you’ve done.”

  “Greg…”

  “What?”

  “Do you think they would like Shaun?”

  “I think they would love him.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, and maybe they even had a little something to do with your finding him.”

  * * *

  I was still holding his hand when Jon came back.

  “You should talk to him, too.”

  His voice made me jump.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, he can feel you. It’s good for him to know you’re here.”

  “So what did his doctor say?”

  “A bunch of technical jargon.”

  He tried to smile.

  “He’s got some serious internal damage, Harleigh.”

  “But he’s gonna be OK, right?”

  “His heart when they were operating.”

  “But it’s working now. Jon…”

  “Even if he does wake up, he might not be OK. It’s hard to tell what kind of damage there is.”

  “I don’t care. I still love him.”

  Jon took me in his arms.

  “I know you do.”

  “I love him so much, Jon.”

  “I’m gonna stay here for a while and keep an eye on things.”

  On me. On Shaun.

  * * *

  Noah was my brother closest in age to me. He was the brother I always got along the best with, the brother I could tell anything to.

  He came to visit after Shaun and I had been dating for a little more than a year.

  I was helping Noah gather his stuff up the night before he was leaving.

  “So how serious is it, Harleigh?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “Yeah, I love him.”

  “He’s a good guy.”

  “That’s not what Jon thinks.”

  “What does Jon know?”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Harleigh, just because he has some big medical degree doesn’t mean he’s a relationship expert or a character expert.”

  “I know, but…”

  “I think Shaun’s perfect for you. He treats you well. He makes you smile, makes you happy. What more can a person want?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s right. So leave the medical stuff to Jon and stick with Shaun.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Drew and I would be really bummed if you broke up with him.”

  * * *

  I took the next week off from work and spent it at the hospital with Shaun.

  Mike and I would take turns sitting with him, waiting for something to change.

  Nothing ever did.

  Sometimes Jon would come in and sit with me. Sometimes he would talk with Shaun’s doctor or nurses.

  I never asked him any questions; the look on his face gave the answers away.