“Val—”
AfanfareoftrumpetscutKarioff.Loudjazzmusicbegantoplayandan emceeannouncedKriseewastakingthestage.ValpunchedKari’sarmlightly.
“Yousoooohavetowatchher.Sheisamazingoutthere.”
Sheopenedherroutinebycartwheelingontothestage,revealingshedidn’t haveanypantiesbeneathherplaidskirt.Karibitdownonherlipasshe watched.Valhadtakenhertoashowlikethisonce.Karihadmadeitthrough thefirstgirlbeforesheranfortheexits.Shefeltanevengreaterneedtorun awaynowassheimaginedherselfuptherelater.Therewasnowayshecould takeoffherclothesinfrontofeventhesefewgawkingstrangers,letalonea packedhouse.
AsKriseethrustherhipsatthemenbythestageandtheytossedbillsback ather,Valshookherhead.“Allthecheapskatesshowupintheafternoon.You
havetowaituntillaterforthehighrollers.Butitisgreatpractice.Helpsto keepyouinshape.Plus,everylittlebithelpspaythebills,youknow?”
“Val,Ican’tdothat,”Karisaid,gesturingtoKriseeonstage,whoatthe momentwasunbuttoningherwhiteblousevery,veryslowly.
“Whynot?”
“Youknowwhynot.It’swrong.”
“Gee,don’tbesuchaprude,Kari.Ifitwerereallywrongtherewouldbea lawagainstit.”
“Yeah,right,”Karigrumbled.Therewouldn’tbealaw,notwithTai makingthoselaws.“Howcanyouletyourselfgetgropedbyabunchof strangers?”
“It’snotthatbad.Alltheycandoistouchyourboobies.Anythingelseand theygetthrownout.”
“Idon’twantanystrangerstotouchmyboobieseither.”
“Whynot?Lookhowcutetheyare.Notlikethosemosquitobitesyou usedtohave.”
“Youthoughtmybreastsweresmall?”
“Justateensybit.”
“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”
“Wellit’snotlikeIhadanyroomtocomplain.YourememberhowI lookedbackthen?Thoseawfulfreckles.Andthathair!Ilookedlikesucha tomboybackthen.”
“So?Whatwaswrongwiththat?”
“Areyoukidding?Lookatmenow!EverywhereIgo,menstopandlook atme.Theyopendoorsforme.Theyletmecutinline.Theybuymedrinks.
Noonedidthatbefore.”
“Sothat’swhyyou’redoingit?Forperks?”
“Thosearefringebenefits.”Valgesturedtothestage.“Mostnightsthe moneyisreallygood.Alotmorethanyoucanmakebeingasecretary.”
“Allyouhavetodoiswhoreyourselfouttoabunchofhornyguys,right?”
“Well,excuuuuseme,MissHighandMighty,butagirl’sgottoeat.And shop.JustyesterdayIsawtheprettiestshoesatMason’s—”
“Damnit,Val,whyareyouactinglikethis?Whatdidhedotoyou?”
“Allhedidwasmakemepretty.”
“There’smoretoitthanthat.You’renotyouanymore.It’slikeyou’rea strangernow.”
“Well,you’restillajudgmentalbitch.SoIguessthatevensthingsout.”
Valstoodupandthencrossedherarmsbeneathheramplebreasts.“Breakaleg uptheretonight.I’llbewatching.”
***
Seveno’clockcamemuchtooquickly.AsMissKilgorehadsaidearlier, theygaveKariarulerandapairoflenslessglassestogowithhernaughty teachercostume.Valwatchedthesepreparationswithasmugsneer,asifshe couldn’twaitforKaritofallonherface.KriseewastheonewhogaveKaritips onwhattodoandnotdo.
“Don’tdotoomuchforyourfirstshow.Justtrytogoouttherewithout breakingyourneck.”
“Orthrowingup,”Desireeaddedassheputonhermakeup.“Thatwill definitelygiveyouablackmark.”
“Ablackmark?”
“Don’tworryaboutit,”Kriseesaid.“Justgooutthereanddoyourbest.”
“I’lltry.”
Karitoddledoutofthedressingroomonherspikeheels.Shetriednotto thinkthattwelvehoursagoshehadbeenametertallandheavierthanshewas now.Allshehadtodowasgooutonstage,undress,shakearoundalittle,and thengoback.ThatwouldshowValshewasn’tjustajudgmentalbitch.
Sheheldontothislastthoughtassheheardtheemceesayherstagename.
Shetookadeepbreathtotryandsteadyherself.Itwastimetodothis.
Sheknewbetterthantodoanycartwheels.Insteadshewalkedoutslowly ontothestage,hereyesdownatherfeettomakesureshedidn’tfall.Evenover themusicblaringfromspeakersbyherears,shecouldhearthewhistlesand catcalls.Withanotherdeepbreath,shetookafewstepsforward,tothecenterof thestage.
Onlythendidshelookup.AsValhadsaid,therewerealotmorepeoplein theplacenow,probablysincemostofficeshadclosed.Shesawalotofmenstill insuits,somestillevenwearingtheirties.Therewereothersinmorerelaxed clothes.Theyrangedfromtheirlateteenstoafewwhohadtobepushing seventy.Thecommondenominatorwasthewaytheywereallstaringatherwith predatoryeyes.
KarihadseenthatlookbeforeinTai’sofficewhenhe’dtriedtoseduceher.
Shehadfoughtagainsthimthenandkeptfightingevenafterhe’dmadehera littlekidandthenaweeperson.Thatwastheotherpartofthereasonhe’dsent herhere,soshewouldhavetofinallysurrenderhervirtue.Lookingaroundthe room,sheimaginedallthosepredatoryeyeswerereallyhiseyes.
“I’msorry,”Karimumbled.Thenwithtearsinhereyessheranfromthe stage.Shecollapsedintoaheapbackstage,herheadpressedtothewall.She
supposedthemysteriousBrunowouldbeatherintosubmissionnow.
InsteaditwasValwhowrappedherarmsaroundKari.SherockedKari backandforthandwhispered,“It’sallright,sweetie.It’sfinenow.”Afterafew minutes,ValhelpedKaritoherfeet.“Comeon,I’lltakeyouhome.”
WhenKarigottoherfeet,shesawarollofflabbulgingfrombeneaththe hemofherwhiteblouse.Sheputahandtothisrollonlytoseeablackhash markonthebackofherlefthand.“What’sthis?Whathappenedtome?”
“We’lltalkaboutitathome.Comeon.”
Chapter11
Thoughshehadn’tbeenabletoboilwater,Valhadalwayscontributedto thedomesticchoresaroundtheirplacebydoingmostofthecleaning.Thathad beenheridea,asshe’dfoundKari’sstandardsnotuptothoseofmilitary barracks.Whenevershecamebackfromthebase,thesecondthingValwould do—aftermakinglovetoKari—wastotidyuptheirhousefromtoptobottom.
SoitcameassomewhatofasurprisewhenValopenedthedoortoher apartmentandKarisawtheplacewasapigsty.Therewereclothesand magazinesthrownalloverthelivingroom:onthefloor,thecouch,thecoffee table,andevenabradanglingfromtheceilingfan.Mixedwiththesewere ancientboxesoftakeoutnoodlesandbottlesofsoda.
“Whathappenedhere?”Kariasked.
“Oh,I’vebeenmeaningtoclean,butI’vejustbeensoooobusy,you know?”
“Iguess.”
ValdidpushsomeoftheclothesandmagazinesfromthecouchsoKari couldsitdown.“Youhungry?Igotsomenoodlesinthefridge.Icanheatthem backupinajiff.”
“Nothanks.”
“Well,I’mgoingtoatleastgetabottleofsoda.Youthirsty?Thoselights aresoooohot.SometimesIthinkI’mgoingtodieofheatstrokeupthere.”
“Justsomewaterwouldbefine.”
Valsetaglassofwaterdowninfrontofheronthecoffeet
ableandthensat down.ShemotionedtothemarkonKari’shand.“Ididn’twanttotellyou aboutthat.Ithoughtyou’dfreakoutwhenyoufoundout.”
“Foundoutwhat?”
“It’skindofanincentiveprogram.Youdogoodonstageandyougettobe youngerandprettier.”Valtookherhairfromitsponytailandtosseditfor emphasis.“WhenIfirststartedattheclubIwasalmostthirtyandreallypasty andchubbierandmyhairwasshort.Imean,Iwasn’tmuchtolookat.Itwas betterthanbeforebutnotbymuch,youknow?”
“Youwerealwayspretty,Val.”
“Notalways.”BeforeKaricouldpressfordetails,Valcontinued,“Sothe
blackmarksareforifyoudon’tdogoodoutthere.Eachmarkyouget,yougeta littleolderanduglier.Notthatyou’reugly,atleastnotyet.Yougetafewmore ofthoseandyou’llhavetogooutwithabagoveryourhead.”
“I’drathergetoldanduglythangooutthereagain.”
“Don’ttalklikethat!Onceyougetfiveblackmarks,yougetdemotedtoa waitress.Andwhenyougetten—”
Valdidn’tsayanything,soKaripromptedher,“Whathappensthen?”
“Thenyougetputoutonthestreet.”
“Wellthat’sfine.It’sbetterthanworkinginthatclub.”
“No!Youdon’tgetit.Idon’tmeanlikeabumoranything.Imeanasa prostitute.”ValtookKari’shandandgaveitasqueeze.“Iknowyoudon’twant togetnakedforstrangers,butonstageisalotbetterthaninthebackofsome guy’scar,wherehecandoanythingtoyou.”
“Areyouspeakingfromexperience?”
“No,butI’veheardthestories.Someofthemevenendup,youknow, dead.”
Karilookeddownatthefloor.OnceagainTaihadhertrapped.Shewould havetobeawhore,onewayortheother.PerhapsValwasrightthatitwouldbe bettertobeawhoreonstage,inacontrolledenvironment,thanonthestreet, whereanythingcould—andprobablywould—happentoher.
“Howmanyblackmarksdoyouhave?”sheaskedVal.
“Noneanymore.IgotacouplewhenIstarted.ThenKriseetoldmethe samethingI’mtellingyou.It’sreallynotabadlifeonceyougetusedtoit.I mean,Iknowmyplaceisn’talottolookat,butit’sbetterthanbeingonthe street,right?”
“Maybe.”KariturnedtolookValintheeye.“Howdidyougethereto startwith?Whatdidhedotoyou?”
“Kari—”
“Please,Val,Ineedtoknow.”
Valstaredatherforamomentandthensighed.“Allright,hereitis.”
***
Afteryouleft,Ispentafewmoredaysinthatroomasababy.Noone cametochangemydiaperorgivemeanyfoodoranything.Iwasgettingsoooo hungryandstinky.Imean,likeeverythingfromthewaistdownwasgettingall soreandred.IthurteverytimeImoved.Mytummywasrumblingallthetime andmythroatwassoooodryIcouldbarelyswallowanymore.
ButIwasstillgoingtokeepfighting.MostlybecauseIwasmadatyou.I mean,atthewayyou’djustleftmetheretosuffer.Ithoughtatfirstyou’dcome back,butwhenyoudidn’t,Ifiguredyoumusthavebeggedhimtogobackto
preschoolorwhatever.Iwasn’tgoingtodothat,though.Iwasgoingtokeep fightingtothebitterend,justlikethey’dtaughtustodoinbootcampandstuff.
ItfinallygottothepointIcouldn’tkeepmyeyesopen.Icouldn’tmove anymore.Istartedhavingthesehallucinations,hearingvoicesandstuff.Mostly yourvoice.Youkeptsayinghowmuchyoulovedmeandallthatstuffandhow youwantedmetostaywithyou.
Iwasprobablygoingtodieinafewminuteswhenhefinallycameintoget me.HecarriedmeintothisnurseryandNannyJenewashedmybottomand changedmydiaperandgavemeabottle.Sheputmeinacribforafewhoursto rest.
WhenIopenedmyeyes,Taiwasbythecrib.HeaskedmeifIwantedto gobackintothestudioornot.IfIapologizedthenhe’dmakemeatoddleragain andIcouldgobacktopreschooltolearntobeagoodgirl.IfIdidn’tI’dgo backtothestudioandhe’dletnaturetakeitscoursethistime.
Iwasstilltootiredtotalk,soIansweredhimbythrowingupalloverhim.
HisfacegotsooooredandhelookedsoooomadIthoughtforsurehe’dbreak meinhalfrightthen.Ithinkhewasgoingto,butthenhegotcontrolofhimself.
Hesmiledatmeandhesaid,“IthinkIhaveabetteridea.”
ThenextthingIknew,Iwasinthisreallydarkroom.Itriedtomove,butI wasstilltooweak,oratleastthat’swhatIthought.Thensomeoneturnedthe lightonandIsawwhatwasreallygoingon.
Iwassoooofat!Idon’tmeanlikewhenyouwereakid,either.Imeanlike Iwasonaking-sizebedandItookupthewholethingbymyself.That’swhyI couldn’tmove,becauseIwastoofattomove.ThisguynamedLonncamein withabucketandaspongeonastick.Hesaiditwasalmosttimefortheshow.
AtfirstIthoughtmaybetheshowwashimgivingmeabath.Ittooka reallylongtimeforthatbecausehehadtogetunderalltheserollsoffat.Itwas sogrossIalmostthrewupagainrightthen.Afterhegotdonewiththebuckethe tookoutsomescissors.Ithoughthewasgoingtocutmyhair,buthestarted cuttingaroundmyneck.
See,thatwastheotherthing.NotonlywasIafatlady,butIwasabearded fatlady.Itwasn’tashortbeardeither;itwentdowntowherevermyheartwas.
Itwasreallyfulltoo,justlikeaman’sbeard.
Anyway,onceLonnwasdone,hekissedmeonthecheekandtoldmeit wastime.Iwantedtoaskforwhatbutthenhepulledthecurtainbythewalland allthislightfloodedtheroom.Icouldn’tseeanythingforaminute.ThenIhear peoplegaspingandlaughingandstuff.MyeyesclearedupenoughandIfinally gotmyheadtoturnalittlesoIcouldseeallthesepeoplegawkingatme.
AndthenIheardthebarkershoutingforpeopletosteprightupandcome
seetheWorld’sFattestBeardedLady.That’swhoIwas.Iwasacircusfreak.
Ithoughtbeingababywasbadenough,butthiswasworse.Imean,people thinkbabiesarecute,eventheuglyones.TheWorld’sFattestBeardedLadyno onethinksiscute.Theyjustlaughatyouandthrowstuff.Somepeoplethrew coins,butmostpeoplejustthrewwhateverfoodtheyhadhandy:popcorn,corn dogs,elephantears,andevenslicesofpizza.Thatwastheact,besidesmejust lyingthere:LonnwouldfeedmeinfrontofthemlikeIwassomekindof animal.Ididn’treallywantto,butIwassoooohungryandreally,whatchoice didIhave?
Thiswassoooomuchmorehumiliatingthanbeinginthatdancestudiowith adirtydiaper.ImeanIstillhadadirtydiaperbecauseIcouldn’tgetoffthebed tousethebathroom.LonnwouldchangemycatheterandpoopbagonceIfilled itup,soIwasprettymuchlikeababy—areally,reallybigbaby.Imeansoooo bigittookeightbig,strongguystocarrymewhenthecircuslefttown.
Idon’tmeantomakeLonnsoundlikeabadguybecausehewasn’t.He didn’twanttoembarrassme,buthedidn’thavemuchchoiceeither.Imean,it’s notlikethere’smuchotherworkfortheWorld’sFattestBeardedLady.Inhis ownwayIguesshelovedmeandjustwantedtotakecareofme.
Iheldoutforlikeamonth.Imeanasbadasitwas,Istilldidn’twantto giveTaithesatisfactionofcavingin.Thenonedayinwhateverlittletownwe werein,thislittlegirlcameupbymycageorpenorwhateveryou’dcallit.She wasarealcutietoowithcurlyredhairthatmademethinkofyou.Andshesaid,
“Mommy,isthatamonster?”
IaskedLonnthatlaterthatnight.HesaidofcourseIwasn’tamonster.I wasaniceladyandI’dneverhurtanyone,notevenhim.Hesaiditsonicely thatIwantedtobelievehim,butIcouldn’t.Ikeptseeingthatgirl’sfaceandI gottothinkingthatmaybeithadbeenyou.MaybeyouthoughtIwasa monster.Icouldn’tstandtothinkaboutthat.Iwantedtodie,butIwassobigI couldn’te
venkillmyselfanymore.I’dhavetoaskLonntodoitandIknewhe wouldn’t.
Taimusthavesensedwhatwasgoingthroughmymind,becauseassoonas Lonnleftforthenight,heshowedupbesidemybed.Hepokedaroundmyrolls forawhileuntilhefoundbetweenmylegs.Thenhereachedinthereandhe, youknow,touchedme.Hewasn’tallthatgentleaboutiteither,butitfeltreally good.IknowIshouldn’tsaythat,butitdid.Imean,ithadbeensoooolong sinceanyonehaddonethat.
Thenhetoldmehewassorryaboutthethingshe’ddonetome.He’dreally cometorespectmeovertheselastcoupleofmonths.EventhewayIwasatthe moment,hecouldstillseeabeautifulwomaninside.AndifIwanted,hecould
bringthatbeautifulwomanoutofme.Hecouldmakemenormalagain,or really,evenbetterthannormal.AllIhadtodowaskisshisringanditwould happen.
Iseethewayyou’relookingatme,butwhatelsecouldIdo?Iwasafreak, amonster.NomanwouldevertouchmethewayTaihad,exceptmaybeLonn whenhebathedme.Icouldn’tevenkillmyselfifIwantedto.WhatshouldI havedone?
SoIkissedthering.LikeIsaid,Iwasn’tthisprettyatfirst,butby comparisontotheWorld’sFattestLadyIwasgorgeous.ThenIendedupatthe clubandyouknowtherest.
***
AfterValfinishedherstory,Kariwrappedherinahug.“It’sallright,”she said.“Youdidwhatyouthoughtwasright.”
“Iknowyouthinklessofmenow.YouthinkI’mweak,butIdon’tcare.
Noonewasgoingtosaveme.Imean,howlongdidIwaitforsomeoneto rescueus?Noonewascomingandevenyouhadabandonedme.Iwasall alone.WhatelsecouldIdo?”
“It’sallright,sweetie.I’msoooosorryIabandonedyou,”Karisaid.“I wasweaktoo.Ididn’tevenlastaslongasyoudid.Oncehegotmeinthe nursery,thatwasit,butyouheldoutawholeothermonth.”
“Soyoudon’thateme?”
“Ofcoursenot.Iloveyou.”KaritriedtokissVal’slips,butherfiancée turnedaway.“What’swrong?”