The Cheerful Smugglers
Ellis Parker Butler
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The Cheerful Smugglers
By
Ellis Parker Butler
Author of "Confessions of a Daddy," "Pigs is Pigs," etc.
With illustrations by May Wilson Preston
New York The Century Co. 1908
Copyright, 1908, by THE CENTURY CO.
Copyright, 1907, by The Phelps Publishing Co.
_Published, May, 1908_
THE DE VINNE PRESS
"'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"]
Contents
CHAPTER PAGE
I THE FENELBY TARIFF 3
II THE BOX OF BON-BONS 34
III KITTY'S TRUNKS 57
IV BILLY 91
V THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST 110
VI BRIDGET 139
VII THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE 158
VIII THE FIELD OF DISHONOR 189
IX BOBBERTS INTERVENES 206
X TARIFF REFORM 229
XI THE COUP D'ETAT 251
List of Illustrations
"'We ought to have a domestic tariff'" _Frontispiece_
PAGE
"She was busy with Bobberts" 27
Bobberts 39
"Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom" 55
"Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly" 81
"With all the grace of a Sandow" 87
"'I declare one collar'" 103
"When the 6:02 pulled in" 193
The Cheerful Smugglers
I
THE FENELBY TARIFF
Bobberts was the baby, and ever since Bobberts was born--and thatwas nine months next Wednesday, and just look what a big, fat boy heis now!--his parents had been putting all their pennies into alittle pottery pig, so that when Bobberts reached the proper age hecould go to college. The money in the little pig bank wasofficially known as "Bobberts' Education Fund," and next to Bobbertshimself was the thing in the house most talked about. It was "Tom,dear, have you put your pennies in the bank this evening?" or "Isay, Laura, how about Bobberts' pennies to-day. Are you holding outon him?" And then, when they came to count the contents of the bank,there were only twenty-three dollars and thirty-eight cents in itafter nine months of faithful penny contributions.
That was how Fenelby, who had a great mind for such things, came tothink of the Fenelby tariff. It was evident that the penny systemcould not be counted on to pile up a sum large enough to seeBobberts through Yale and leave a margin big enough for him to liveon while he was getting firmly established in his profession,whatever that profession might be. What was needed in the Fenelbyfamily was a system that would save money for Bobberts gently andeasily, and that would not be easy to forget nor be too palpable astrain on the Fenelby income. Something that would make them save inspite of themselves; not a direct tax, but what you might call anindirect tax--and right there was where and how the idea came toFenelby.
"That's the idea!" he said to Mrs. Fenelby. "That is the verything we want! An indirect tax, just as this nation pays its taxes,and the tariff is the very thing! It's as simple as A B C. Thenation charges a duty on everything that comes into the country;_we_ will charge a duty on everything that comes into the house,and the money goes into Bobberts' education fund. We won't miss themoney that way. That's the beauty of an indirect tax: you don't knowyou are paying it. The government collects a little on one thingthat is imported, and a little on another, and no one cares,because the amount is so small on each thing, and yet look at thetotal--hundreds of millions of dollars!"
"Goodness!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "Can we save that much forBobberts? Of course, not hundreds of millions; but if we could saveeven one hundred thousand dollars--"
"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I don't believe you understand what Imean. If you would pay a little closer attention when I amexplaining things you would understand better. A tariff doesn't makemoney out of nothing. How could we save a hundred thousand dollarsout of my salary, when the whole salary is only twenty-five hundreddollars a year, and we spend every cent of it?"
"But, Tom dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, "how can I help spending it? Youknow I am just as economical as I can be. You said yourself that wecouldn't live on a cent less than we are spending. You know I wouldbe only _too_ glad to save, if I could, and I didn't get that newdress until you just begged and begged me to get it, and--"
"I know," said Mr. Fenelby, kindly. "I think you do wonders withthat twenty-five hundred. I don't see how you do it; I couldn't.And that is just why I say we ought to have a domestic tariff. Idon't see how we can ever save enough to send Bobberts to collegeunless we have some system. We spend every cent of my twenty-fivehundred dollars every year, and we could never in the world take twohundred and fifty dollars out of it at one time and put it in thebank for Bobberts, could we? We never have two hundred and fiftydollars at one time. And yet two hundred and fifty dollars is onlyten per cent. of my yearly salary. But if I buy a cigar for tencents it would be no hardship for me to put a cent in the bank forBobberts, would it? Not a bit! And if you buy an ice cream soda; itwould not cramp our finances to put a cent in the bank for eachsoda, would it? And yet a cent is ten per cent. of a dime."
"That is very simple and very easy," said Mrs. Fenelby, "and I thinkit would be a very good plan. I think we ought to begin at once."
"So do I," said Mr. Fenelby. "But we don't want to begin a thinglike this and then let it slip from our minds after a day or two. Ifthe government did that the nation's revenue would all fade away. Weought to go at it in a business-like way, just as the United Stateswould do it. We ought to write it down, and then live up to it. Now,I'll write it down."
Mr. Fenelby went to his desk and took a seat before it. He openedthe desk and pulled from beneath the pile of loose papers and tissuepatterns with which it was littered the large blankbook in whichMrs. Fenelby, in one of her spurts of economical system, had oncebegun a record of household expenditures--a bothersome business thatlasted until she had to foot up the first week's figures, and thenstopped. There were plenty of blank leaves in the book. Mr. Fenelbydipped his pen in the ink. Mrs. Fenelby took up her sewing, andbegan to stitch a seam. Bobberts lay asleep on the lounge at theother side of the room.
Mr. Fenelby was not over thirty. His chubby, smiling face radiatedenthusiasm, and if he was not very tall he had a noble forehead thatrounded up to meet the baldness that began so far back that his hatshowed a little half-moon of baldness at the back. He lookedcheerfully at the world through rather strong spectacles, andeveryone said how much he looked like Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby wasyounger, but she took a much more matter-of-fact view of life andthings, and Mr. Fenelby never ceased congratulating himself onhaving married her. "My wife Laura," he would say to his friends,"has great executive ability. She is a wonder. I let her attend tothe little details." The truth was that she managed him, and manag
edthe house, and managed all their affairs. She took to the managementnaturally and Mr. Fenelby did not know that he was being managed.They were very happy.
Mr. Fenelby turned toward his wife suddenly, still holding his penin his hand. He had not written a word, but his face glowed.
"I tell you, Laura!" he exclaimed. "This is the best idea we havehad since we were married! It is a big idea! What we ought todo--what we _will_ do--is to have a family congress and adopt thistariff in the right way, and write it down. That is what we willdo--and then, any time we want to change the tariff we will have asession of the family congress, and vote on it."
"That will be nice, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, biting off her thread,but not looking up. Mr. Fenelby turned back to his blankbook. Hedipped his pen in the ink again, and hesitated.
"How would it do," he asked, turning to Laura again, "to call itthe 'United States of Fenelby?' Or the 'Commonwealth of Fenelby?'No!" he exclaimed, "I'll tell you what we will call it--we will callit the 'Commonwealth of Bobberts,' for that is what it is. 'TheDomestic Tariff of the Commonwealth of Bobberts!'"
"Yes," said Mrs. Fenelby, holding up her sewing and looking at itwith her head tilted to one side, "that will be nice."
Mr. Fenelby wrote it in his blankbook, at the top of the first blankpage.
"Fine!" said Mr. Fenelby, growing more enthusiastic as the ideaexpanded in his mind. "And the congress will be composed ofeveryone in the family. No taxation without representation, youknow--that is the American way of doing things. Everything thatcomes into the house has to pay a duty, so everyone in the familyhas a vote, and every so often the congress will meet in the parlorhere--"
"Does Bobberts have a vote?" asked Mrs. Fenelby.
"Ah--well, Bobberts is hardly old enough, you know," said Mr.Fenelby hesitatingly. "We will--No," he said with suddeninspiration, "Bobberts will not have a vote. Bobberts will be aTerritory! That is it. Grown-ups will be States and infants will beTerritories. Bobberts can't vote, but he can attend the meetings ofcongress and he can have a voice in the debates. He can oppose anymeasure with his voice--"
"I should think he could!" said Mrs. Fenelby.
Mr. Fenelby turned to his desk and wrote in the book a brief outlineof the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelbycreased a tuck into the little dress she was making. She did it bypinning one end of the sheer linen to her knee and then running herthumb up and down the folded tuck. Suddenly the door opened andBridget entered with aggressive quietness. She was a plain facedIrishwoman, and the way she wore her hair, straight back from herbrow, had in itself an air of constant readiness to do battle forher rights. When she was noisy her noise was a challenge, and whenshe was quiet her quietness was full of mute assertiveness. It wasas if, when she wished to enter a room quietly, she was not contentto enter it quietly and be satisfied with that, but first preparedfor it by draping herself in strings of cow-bells and sleigh-bells,and then entered on tip-toe with painful care.
"Missus Fenelby, ma'am," said Bridget, in a loud whisper, "would yebe havin' th' milkman lave wan or two quarts ov milk in th'mornin'?"
"Why, Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, "haven't I told you we _always_want two quarts?"
"Yis, ma'am," said Bridget. "An' ye can't say that ye haven't gotthim iv'ry mornin', either. If ye can, an' wish t' say it, ma'am, yemay as well say it now as another toime. I may have me faults,ma'am--"
"You have always attended to the milkman just as I wished," saidMrs. Fenelby, cheerfully. "Exactly as I wanted you to," she added,for Bridget still waited. "And we will continue to get two quarts aday."
"Very well, ma'am," whispered Bridget. "I was just thinkin' mebby yehad changed yer moind about how much t' git. It is all th' same t'me, Missus Fenelby, ma'am, how much ye git. I am not wan of thimthat don't allow th' lady ov th' house t' change her moind if shewants to. I take no offince if she changes her moind. I am used t'sich goin's on, ma'am, an' I know my place an' don't wish t'dictate. Wan quart or two quarts or three quarts is all th' same t'me."
"Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, laying down her sewing, "do we needthree quarts of milk?"
"No, ma'am," said Bridget.
"Well," asked Mrs. Fenelby, "are two quarts too much?"
"No, ma'am," said Bridget. "But if ye wanted t' change yer moind--"
"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby, kindly but firmly. "Good-night,Bridget."
Bridget backed out of the door, and Mr. Fenelby, who had kept hishead close to his book, turned to his wife with a frown on his brow.
"What is it, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, after a fleeting glance athis face.
"Laura," he said, "what shall we do with Bridget?"
Mrs. Fenelby looked up quickly. She quite forgot her sewing.
"Do with Bridget?" she asked. "What _do_ you mean, Tom? Has Bridgetsaid anything about leaving? And I was only this afternooncongratulating myself on how good she was! I declare I don't knowwhat this world is going to do for servants--we pay Bridget morethan anyone in this town, I know we do, and treat her like oneof the family, almost, and now she is going to leave! It'sdiscouraging! When did she tell you she was going to leave?"
"Leave?" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "I never thought of such a thing. Iwas only wondering what to do with her in--in the Commonwealth ofBobberts."
"Oh!" cried Mrs. Fenelby, with a sigh of profound relief. She tookup her sewing again, and bent her head over it. "Is that all! Ofcourse Bridget expects to be treated like one of the family. I toldher when she came that I always treated my maids as part of thefamily."
"But we can't have Bridget come in and sit with us whenever we havea session of congress," said Mr. Fenelby.
"Certainly not!" said Mrs. Fenelby, very decidedly. "I wouldn'tthink of such a thing!"
"So she can't be a State," said Mr. Fenelby, "and if we made her aTerritory it would be as bad. She could come in and talk. She wouldinsist on talking."
"And if we did not let her," said Mrs. Fenelby, "she would leave,and I know we could never get another girl as good as Bridget."
"Now you get some idea of the hard work our forefathers had whenthey made the United States," said Mr. Fenelby, rising and walkingup and down the room. "But of course they had no case like Bridget.Bridget is more like a--more like the Philippines. Well!" heexclaimed, "it is a wonder I didn't think of that in the firstplace!"
"What, dear?" asked his wife.
"That Bridget is a colony," said Mr. Fenelby. "That is just what sheis! She is a foreign possession, controlled by the nation, buthaving no voice in its affairs. She can pay taxes, but she can'tvote."
He hurriedly wrote the final words of the Constitution of theCommonwealth of Bobberts in his book and drew a line underneath it,for Bobberts was showing signs of awakening. Under the line Mr.Fenelby wrote "First Session of Congress."
Bobberts awoke in a good humor, ready for his evening meal, and Mrs.Fenelby put aside her sewing and took him.
"I am glad Bobberts is awake," said Mr. Fenelby, "because now we cango ahead and vote on the tariff. I wouldn't like to do it if he wasnot present, because he has a right to take part in the debate, andit would not be fair to hold the first session without a fullrepresentation. Now, suppose we make the duty on all goods andthings brought into the house an even ten per cent.?"
"She was busy with Bobberts"]
"That would be nice," said Mrs. Fenelby, absently, for she was busywith Bobberts. "How much is ten per cent. of twenty-five hundreddollars, Tom?"
"Two hundred and fifty," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what weought to save for Bobberts every year. Ten per cent. will just doit."
He had his pen ready to write it in the book, when a new difficultycame to mind.
"Laura!" he exclaimed. "Ten per cent. will not do it! What about therent? We spend fifty dollars a month for rent, and that is nothingwe bring into the house. And theater tickets, when you go to townand buy them there and use them before you come home. And mylunches. And my club dues. And your pew rent. And ice cream sodas.And all
that sort of thing. We couldn't collect a cent of duty onany of those things, because we don't bring them into the house. Tenper cent. is not enough. We ought to make it at least--"
He figured roughly on a sheet of paper, while the other State andthe Territory attended strictly to their occupation of feeding theTerritory.
"I should say, roughly speaking," said Mr. Fenelby, "that to raisetwo hundred and fifty dollars a year we ought to make the dutysixteen and three-quarters per cent., but I don't think that isadvisable. It would be too hard to figure. I might be able to do it,Laura, but if you bought a waist for one dollar and ninety-eightcents, and had to figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. on it,I don't believe you could do it."
"The idea!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "I would never think of buying awaist for one dollar and ninety-eight cents. I try to be economical,Tom, but you know you always like me to look well, and those cheapwaists do not look well, and they are really dearer in the long run,because they get out of shape in a few days, and never wear well,anyway. The very cheapest waist I have bought for years was that oneI got for three dollars and forty-seven cents, and I could have donemuch better if I had bought the goods and made it up myself."
"Ah--yes," said Mr. Fenelby, hesitatingly. "I am afraid you did notjust catch my meaning, Laura. It does not make any differencewhether the waist costs one dollar and ninety-eight cents or twelvedollars and sixty-three cents. I mean that it would be a hard job tofigure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. of it. Suppose we leavethe duty at ten per cent. on necessities, and make it thirty percent. on luxuries? That ought to make it come out about two hundredand fifty dollars a year, and if it does not we can have a meetingof congress any time and raise the duty."
"That would be very nice," said Mrs. Fenelby.
So it was decided that the tariff duty on necessities was to be tenper cent., and that on luxuries it should be thirty per cent., andMr. Fenelby wrote down in the book these facts, and the FenelbyTariff was in effect.
