EUGENE
(peeking at him over the fabric wall) Just fixing a few minor things, George. You’ll feel so much better afterwards.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
If you could fix the mild itchiness I experience in my gentleman’s region, I would be most happy.
Diego snorts.
EUGENE
Fixed already. (Beat) George, why don’t you tell us about your most recent battle. We’d all love to hear about it.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What a fine idea. Allow me to begin: Hoarfrost kissed the long, dead grass from the previous summer. A crow cawed in the distance. I pondered where to place my trust, whether with the Lord or in thoughts of Martha, noble Martha…
We have some sort of blurring device here to denote the passage of time…
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONT’D)
…and then I saw the first flow of crimson, a soldier’s blood, staining the grey New York soil, a small gust of heat rising from the earth where perchance it dropped.
EUGENE
Ooh…blood. Have you ever killed a man, George?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(taken aback) I beg your pardon, Eugene?
EUGENE
Have you ever, you know, put your knife into another man’s body, withdrawn the blade and seen it covered in blood and viscera?
Krystal makes a “yuck” face.
DIEGO
(to Krystal) Get used to it.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Why…perhaps once or twice, but it’s not something I wish to discuss.
EUGENE
(disappointed) Oh…
GEORGE WASHINGTON
As I was saying: a soldier’s blood, staining the grey New York soil, a small gust of heat rising from the earth where perchance it dropped.
Eugene reaches over and turns the dial to “General Anaesthetic.”
EUGENE
He’s turning out to be quite a bore. Might as well install his teeth now.
He walks to George’s mouth, sticks in some denture-ish thing, then holds a thingamabob to it. The thingamabob goes vzzzzzt…
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Fresh, new, happy teeth. There. We’re pretty much done. Tummy tuck, lipo and man-boobectomy. Here. Let me do a bit of botox…
Holding the thingamajig, Eugene deftly goes pop, pop, pop into George’s forehead and…
EUGENE (CONT’D)
You’ve been an excellent assistant, Krystal.
KRYSTAL
Thanks, Dr. Eugene.
Diego removes his latex gloves.
DIEGO
I’ve gotta go take my grandmother to rock climbing lessons. Can I ask you to watch this guy while I’m away?
KRYSTAL
Sure, Diego. How long is George’s recovery time?
EUGENE
A day or less. I’ve set the healing wand on high, so it ought to be quick.
He doffs his garb and grabs a coat.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Happy babysitting!
We leave off Krystal’s lascivious look.
7 - ADMINISTRATION OFFICES
Aiden and Sarah are just wrapping up online shopping.
AIDEN
There. With shoes that hot, you’ll totally get laid tonight. For ninety-two, you’re looking smoking hot.
SARAH
Thanks, Aiden. I haven’t had this much fun online shopping ever.
AIDEN
Happy to oblige, Sarah.
SARAH
Maybe if you stayed here for a sec, we could…have a drink.
Silence.
Sarah puts her hand on Aiden’s thigh.
AIDEN
Uh…I have to go check on George. Your drone shipment from Haiti will be here really soon.
He bolts and Sarah smacks her head and makes a “flubbed it” face.
8 - GEORGE’S BEDROOM
Outside George’s door Aiden shivers in a just-barely-escaped way. He opens the door and walks in on George in bed, eating pizza while watching golf on TV. Krystal is lying beside him.
KRYSTAL
Don’t judge my love, Aiden.
AIDEN
Nobody’s doing any such thing. Are you sure he should be watching golf?
KRYSTAL
Why not? He’s a middle-aged man.
AIDEN
I mean, time heals itself pretty quickly, but him witnessing golf carts with no horses pulling them could create a time paradox.
Shhh. He’s going for a birdie. (looks at Aiden) Want a slice?
AIDEN
No thanks, George.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Oh — look at my new teeth…
George opens his jaw and clack-clacks his new teeth.
AIDEN
Terrific. Krystal, you are a terrible influence on George.
KRYSTAL
Aiden! George has a question he wants to ask you.
AIDEN
Really?
KRYSTAL
Ask him, George.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(trying to remember) Oh yes…wait…Oh, now I remember. Ahem: Tell me Aiden, what’s Madonna really like?
AIDEN
(Ugh. Shrugs) It’s your life.
KRYSTAL
Wait — something’s wrong…What is it?
AIDEN
Man, Sarah just hit on me…again.
KRYSTAL
Yuck. I barely know Sarah, but making it with her would be like making it with a human effigy made of colourful dried corn purchased from a roadside stand. Maybe you’re losing your inner hotness.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
What is this hotness I keep hearing you people speak of? If anything it’s a little bit chilly in here. Krystal, are you warm enough?
KRYSTAL
You are so adorable!
AIDEN
(turning around to leave) Just wanted to check everything’s okay.
He leaves just as Diego returns.
AIDEN (CONT’D)
I can’t believe she likes some older dude more than me. Not only that, Sarah hit on me again.
DIEGO
Get over yourself, man.
AIDEN
Krystal’s totally corrupting George Washington. Eugene’s going to have a shit-fit.
DIEGO
George is a military dude. He can take anything.
They part. Diego enters…
DIEGO (CONT’D)
Pizza. Golf. The smell of Astroglide…
KRYSTAL
Diego! I wanted to talk with you. (gets off bed) Back soon, George.
George, now a golf fan, barely acknowledges her departure.
9 - HALLWAY
KRYSTAL
Diego, I’ve got a favour to ask.
DIEGO
Shoot.
KRYSTAL
I was wondering — and stop me if I’m pushing boundaries — but I’m wondering if you could go back in time and kneecap Martha Washington for me.
DIEGO
What? No! I promised my mother I would only ever take out men.
KRYSTAL
(giggles) That sounds so gay.
DIEGO
You know what I mean. I’m not going to kneecap Martha Washington.
KRYSTAL
You didn’t have any trouble dealing with Amelia Earhart.
DIEGO
Who told you about that! It was my first gig. And she wasn’t supposed to die. I was only supposed to scare her a bit.
KRYSTAL
(huffy) I can see you’re not going to help. (leaves)
DIEGO
Lady, you are batshit crazy!
10 - HALLWAY - LATER
Sarah is in her new outfit and checking her hair as she gets ready to go to her reunion. She then walks into George’s room…
11 - GEORGE’S BEDROOM
…and finds George and Krystal humping like crazy.
SARAH
Jesus, Krystal, you’ve only bee
n working here a few hours and you’re already fucking with the past?
KRYSTAL
We’re in love.
Sarah claps her hands and comes over to separate the two.
SARAH
You are no such thing.
She removes a can of narcotizing mist from her purse and sprays George. She then moves his body into a coffin-like position.
KRYSTAL
You are such a buzz kill.
SARAH
George needs to rest. And you need to go home, get some sleep and prepare for George’s trip back.
KRYSTAL
What time?
SARAH
Nine o’clock sharp tomorrow morning. Now schnell! Out of here!
KRYSTAL
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Krystal grabs her things and leaves. We then see Sarah look behind her to see that the door’s closed and then lift up the sheets for a peek. She looks around one more time and lifts the sheet higher…(leave it to the viewers to fill in the blank).
12 - FAB LAB TIME-TRAVEL AREA
It’s morning. Everyone’s bustling about, getting ready to send George home. Diego has an ironing board and is pressing George’s outfit. Eugene is at a mixing board, and Aiden is in a chair, checking his text messages.
Ornelle arrives.
ORNELLE CAMERON
Good morning. I trust everything went okay, Eugene?
EUGENE
You bet, Ornelle. George goes back in just a few minutes.
ORNELLE CAMERON
I’m so glad. Is Krystal enjoying herself here?
AIDEN
(butts in…) She couldn’t be happier.
13 - GEORGE’S BEDROOM
Sarah’s sleeping naked beside George’s narcotized body, which is in the exact same position. She hears bustle outside and runs to a closet to change into her reunion outfit.
Krystal walks in…
KRYSTAL
Good morning, my zombie prince. Time to wake you up.
She sprays wake-up mist on him.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
My angel Krystal! I had the strangest dream…
Krystal gets George to sit up and puts her makeup kit on the bed.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONT’D)
It was as if my body was being ravished by a moose as such one might find up in the New France territories.
KRYSTAL
You silly. That was just you healing from all the surgery. Now let’s get you prepped for your return home.
We leave as Sarah peeks out from the closet.
14 - FAB LAB TIME-TRAVEL AREA
Diego finishes George’s outfit…
DIEGO
Time to get George.
Krystal comes in with George, who looks awesomely buff in smoking-hot underwear supplied by any manufacturer willing to pay the film’s producer for the exposure.
DIEGO (CONT’D)
The man of the hour is here.
EUGENE
(points to the floor) George, stand on the white circle, there, and put your hands on your hips.
George stands there and something makes a voot-voot noise.
ORNELLE CAMERON
(to Krystal) Great hair and makeup.
KRYSTAL
Thanks!
Aiden looks at Krystal. Something’s wrong, but he can’t pin it down…
ORNELLE CAMERON
Where’s Sarah? It’s unlike her to be late.
Just then Sarah slinks in, dressed in the same clothes she left in the night before.
AIDEN
(looking up) Oooh…Is that a walk of shame we’re seeing? Must have been some reunion.
SARAH
It’s no such thing. I just…missed the last hovertrain home. I stopped in a sanitary and reasonably priced nearby hotel so I could be here fresh and on time.
ORNELLE CAMERON
There isn’t anybody here buying that story.
DIEGO
Now George, let’s get you into these duds. They’ve been dry-cleaned and mended, and I went ahead and lined the insides with some Tweety Bird and Sylvester fabric I’ve been keeping for a rainy day…
GEORGE WASHINGTON
My apologies for calling you a slave, Diego.
DIEGO
Nothing wrong with being a slave. It’s just that being a slave is something nobody wants to be. I know you’ll make a difference when you get back.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I will.
George gets dressed. Eugene points to some folding chairs.
EUGENE
Everyone take your seats.
Aiden beckons Krystal to one side.
AIDEN
You’re up to something. I can tell.
KRYSTAL
I’m insulted. I’m up to nothing at all.
AIDEN
Right, well, I don’t know what your secret plan is, but I have a hunch you’ll be wanting this…
Aiden hands her a small white square.
KRYSTAL
What’s that?
AIDEN
It’s a return switch, but it only works once, so don’t lose it.
KRYSTAL
I’m so insulted you’d even…
AIDEN
(walking to his seat) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The lights go down.
EUGENE
The reveal has begun.
A screen appears before them — whatever they use in the future — and we see George before and after his extreme makeover. His two versions are rotating in sync side by side.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
That’s right, team. We took a founding father…and turned him into one hot daddy.
Cat calls…hoots…
EUGENE (CONT’D)
I present to you, almost forty pounds lighter, and feeling lighter than air…George Wow-shington!
George comes out and does a not bad runway turn. There’s clapping and everyone saying, “Beautiful, just beautiful,” “Wow, we did it,” etc.
The screen turns off.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
George, please come stand on the time foam so we can send you home.
Aiden’s looking at Krystal, who is acting somewhat fishy.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Wave goodbye, George. It’s been a pleasure to make you over.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(awkward wave) Goodbye cosmic way station. I feel, and this is a word I’ve just learned today, fabulous. But my visit here has been so otherworldly that I will never ever mention it in my memoirs.
EUGENE
That’s a good idea. Now, five…four…
It’s important to note that Eugene can’t fully see the time foam.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
…three…two…
Krystal suddenly leaps onto the time foam just as Eugene says
EUGENE (CONT’D)
…one!
Vzzzzzz! There’s a blue glow and the couple are raised up to the ceiling and back to 1776.
SARAH
That bitch!
ORNELLE CAMERON
That bitch is my granddaughter, Sarah. She’s just living large and learning from what will undoubtedly be a lifelong chain of mistakes.
SARAH
Eugene! What do we do here?
EUGENE
I don’t know, Sarah.
AIDEN
I do.
Everyone looks at Aiden.
TOGETHER
What? What do we do?
AIDEN (CONT’D)
What we do is nothing. And then…
He looks at the palm of his hand…
AIDEN (CONT’D)
We count down: five…four…three…two…
Vzzzzzt! Krystal, dressed in a milkmaid’s outfit covered with straw bits, falls through the ceiling onto the foam. She’s a mess.
AIDEN (CONT’D)
(to Krystal) I knew you’d be back.
SARAH
What the hell were you thinking going back in time
like that?
KRYSTAL
(wiping away straw) The past is a hideous place. You can keep it.
ORNELLE CAMERON
At least you’re in one piece, granddaughter. But you look troubled. Is everything okay?