AIDEN
Ready?
ORNELLE CAMERON
This is always the exciting part.
KRYSTAL
I can’t wait!
EUGENE
Ready!
Eugene taps the screen. We pan to the right where up on the ceiling a glowing blue halo appears. There’s a little bit of build-up noise, but not too much. Suddenly, Vooop! George Washington falls from the ceiling and onto a foam block beneath it.
KRYSTAL
Well that was easy.
EUGENE
Diego, quick, spray him with narcotizing mist!
Diego takes a spray can from the wall. He grabs a confused George Washington by his collar…
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Wait — are you the devil?
DIEGO
No. My family comes from Acapulco.
Diego sprays him in the face. Washington passes out.
EUGENE
Now let’s take him into the visitors’ suite!
ORNELLE CAMERON
I’ll leave you children to your work.
SARAH
And I’m going up to the surface to chainsmoke by myself.
4 - GEORGE’S BEDROOM
Everyone’s wearing scrubs and gloves and is gathered around a bed on which a mostly naked George lies. Diego is just finishing putting George into tighty-whities.
KRYSTAL
This place is like a really good hotel room, but why is everything white?
AIDEN
We tell our visitors that they’re in a cosmic way station. White looks more afterlife-y.
Krystal points to just above George’s waistband…
KRYSTAL
Look, he has crabs! See? On his crab-ladder going up to his belly button.
AIDEN
You sure found that quickly.
KRYSTAL
Want to know something else?
She lifts George’s waistband and peeks in…
KRYSTAL (CONT’D)
George is a redhead.
EUGENE
Fire crotch duly spotted, Krystal. Let’s do our overall assessment, shall we?
They survey George’s body. It’s an old man’s body.
KRYSTAL
How old is he?
DIEGO
Forty-four real years.
KRYSTAL
(truly amazed)
History sure is brutal to people. But he looks so peaceful. So sweet.
AIDEN
Am I sensing Daddy issues?
KRYSTAL
Please! My father is a smoking-hot fox with a killer body and…
Aiden smirks.
KRYSTAL
Okay, so I think my father is the hottest man who ever lived. But is it wrong to look past what would appear to be…(looks at body)…an almost insurmountable number of bodily defects to love the…(fondly)…real man trapped within?
DIEGO
Ooh. Sizzle. Out of my way you horny brat.
Diego injects a massive dose of something into George’s arm.
KRYSTAL
What’s that?
DIEGO
Antibiotics. Fungicides. Larvicides. Insecticides. Vaccinations against polio, measles and all other immunizable pathogens.
Eugene gives Krystal and Diego digital clipboards.
EUGENE
Let’s begin. (horrified) Good Lord, what man boobs!
KRYSTAL
What’s your man-boob policy, Dr. Eugene? They’re likely authentic to his period in history…but still…
EUGENE
Man boobs are the most unsexy things in the universe, Krystal. These…(jiggles a boob)…two jellyfish must only harm George’s self-esteem, which will in turn harm the formation of the United States. The contents of these puppies are being removed within the hour.
KRYSTAL
Phew.
Diego points to massively oversized nipples…
DIEGO
What about these salami nipples?
EUGENE
Radius reduction surgery. Let’s continue our survey…
We have a montage of defect detection. (This is a lifetime opportunity for a makeup person…)
TOGETHER
Toe rot…Eczema…Acne scars…Psoriasis…Fungal toenails…Frown lines…Improperly healing scars…Pink eye…Unfortunate tan line…
KRYSTAL
I’ll take off his wig…
She attempts to remove it, then puts a hand to her mouth, shocked…
KRYSTAL (CONT’D)
It’s not a wig! It’s his real hair…
DIEGO
Hoja! I bet if you wet it with some hot water, it’d turn into ramen noodles.
They all exhale and make eyes at each other…
EUGENE
But we know we’re all avoiding the elephant in the room, aren’t we?
Guilty eyes. Silence.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Let’s open George’s mouth…
Close up on the mouth. Everyone is crazy tense. Eugene opens the jaws, makes a shocked face, but reins it in, and then puts in his fingers.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
These so-called dentures, George, my friend…
We zoom in on the most disgusting slobber-covered wooden chunks with white things and food particles sticking out…Spare nothing in making this the most disgusting thing ever created by human beings.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
…are history.
Krystal squeals. Aiden holds his hand to his mouth. Eugene and Diego are loving it, though.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Voila! The embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the past.
Sarah walks in just then…
SARAH
Cripes, Eugene, is that his teeth? Throw them out!
Eugene lobs them into the trash can but misses.
EUGENE
Oopsy.
He goes over and picks them up, goes back to where he was and tries throwing again…and misses.
EUGENE (CONT’D)
Where is my mind today?
DIEGO
Let me try…
Diego goes and picks them up, tries throwing them from where Eugene was and fails. Aiden steps up…
AIDEN
My turn!
He tries and fails.
AIDEN (CONT’D)
Whoops. Want to give it a try, Krystal?
KRYSTAL
I’ll pass. Sarah?
SARAH
You people!
Sarah takes a paper towel and uses it to remove the dentures from Aiden’s hand. She successfully deposits them in the trash.
SARAH (CONT’D)
Now get to work.
EUGENE
Someone’s touchy today.
SARAH
I have my seventy-fifth high school reunion tonight.
AIDEN
So?
SARAH
I’ve done nothing with my life. Everyone there is going to be ninety-two. Everyone’s going to have pictures of great-great-grandchildren. I’ll be there with pictures of my cat robot.
AIDEN
You need a small makeover yourself.
SARAH
No need for sarcasm.
AIDEN
No, I mean it. I’ll help you shop online for something flattering.
SARAH
You would?
AIDEN
Sure.
SARAH
(Glee!) A man helping me shop for clothes! It doesn’t get any better!
She’s off.
AIDEN
I can’t believe I just offered to help Sarah shop online.
EUGENE
We have to wake George up now. Are you ready, Mr. Time Ambassador?
AIDEN
(back to the team) Yes. Right. Wakey-wakey. Krystal, dim the lights for us, okay?
KRYSTAL
On it.
We close in on George on the bed. Aiden mists something in his face. George opens his eyes
.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Heavens! Where am I?
Note: as he is without his dentures, George’s voice will be slightly “gummy.”
AIDEN
You’re in a cosmic way station, Mr. Washington. We’re a division of heaven.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
So, I’m dead then?
AIDEN
No such thing. And when we’re finished with you, you’re going to be more alive than ever.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I’m confused. Scripture says nothing about cosmic way stations.
AIDEN
Just relax and leave the thinking to us. For the moment, Mr. Washington, could I ask you to stand and join me over here on this white circle?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I…I suppose so. Who are these others?
Aiden points to Eugene.
AIDEN
That’s Eugene. He’s my boss.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(on the way to circle) Hello, Eugene. I’m George Washington.
EUGENE
Nice to meet you, Mr. Washington. As my subordinate says, please stand on the white circle.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(pauses) I have trouble with insubordination all the time.
EUGENE
(savouring this) Oh…really? And what do you do? Do you execute the offenders?
GEORGE WASHINGTON
No, though it is oftentimes a temptation. I typically send them to the tropics, where they work as unpaid sailors for a decade or so. I can recommend no more effective device as a means of ensuring loyalty.
George nods to Diego.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
You…slave. I am parched. Fetch me some water.
DIEGO
Fuck you, asshole.
George doesn’t know how to process the words.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
But are you not dark complexioned?
AIDEN
Diego’s not a slave, Mr. Washington. Here in the cosmic way station, slavery doesn’t exist. Diego’s a confident industry professional in the world of wardrobe.
DIEGO
And two-time Debbie Award winner for historical authenticity.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
(genuinely perplexed) How does anything get done then if you have no slaves?
The mood needs to change. Krystal to the rescue…
KRYSTAL
I’m Krystal. Let me guide you to the circle, George. Here…
She places his feet on the manhole-sized white circle.
KRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Just stand tall and don’t move for a second. Hands on hips…
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Okay then…
George poses. Something goes fwoop-fwoop and George is body-scanned.
KRYSTAL
Perfect. Now come lie down again and let me get you a refreshing mint julep.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
A mint julep? Krystal, you are an angel. I mean that, an angel.
KRYSTAL
You’re too kind.
She pats the sheets, indicating George is to lie down again. He does so.
KRYSTAL (CONT’D)
There. Now here’s your drink.
Krystal unnecessarily touches George’s thigh and all the men notice.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
I feel like I’m dreaming. (sips) This julep is delici…
He passes out.
AIDEN
Better wait till we get rid of the crabs before you make your move.
KRYSTAL
My move? I’ll do no such thing. I am here to train as a Time Ambassador. Though, frankly, maybe it would be good for George to have a bit of…
DIEGO
Company?
KRYSTAL
Well, the guy invented money. It’s the least any of us can do.
AIDEN
How will you get past the man-boob thing?
KRYSTAL
There’s nothing to get past. George is a sweet, compassionate, successful…
AIDEN
I bet you can’t get it up when the time comes.
EUGENE
Aiden! Watch your language, please. We keep a large supply of Lady Boner Tonic here. Krystal would never have to worry about getting herself actively aroused — but the psychology of a duo such as them copulating is fascinating.
I’m out of here. See you in surgery in an hour.
EUGENE
Diego’s correct. We have no time to speculate about age-inappropriate passion — old, withered flesh against taut, creamy…
KRYSTAL
I’m going to go check my email.
She leaves.
5 - ADMINISTRATION OFFICES
Aiden and Sarah are seated beside each other…
AIDEN
For just ten extra dollars, you can get an extra identical sweater in seafoam green.
SARAH
What a deal!
AIDEN
And the drones can have it here from their warehouse in Haiti in…two hours.
SARAH
What would we do without drones?
Both of them turn to directly face the camera and, in toneless zombie voices, say:
TOGETHER
Drones are the unavoidable future. There is nothing you can do to stop them.
Back to normal…
SARAH
What about shoes?
AIDEN
I can barely shop for shoes for myself. I’m not going to help you shop for them.
Sarah sniffles.
AIDEN (CONT’D)
What’s that…a cold?
SARAH
No. It’s just…
AIDEN
Just what?
SARAH
It’s just that I don’t have any friends.
AIDEN
What do you mean “no friends”? Just buy a friend patch for your browser toolbar.
SARAH
I mean a real friend made in real life.
AIDEN
Well, who has any of those?
SARAH
I can’t go shoe shopping with a browser extension friend. I need to be with a real human being.
Aiden’s thinking: Oh God, do I really have to?
AIDEN
Fine. I’ll help you shop for shoes online. Let’s get it over with.
SARAH
Oh goody!
6 - SURGER ROOM
It’s an hour later and George is on the slab. There’s a pale green fabric drape between his head and the rest of him, and he’s leaning that head backwards in a hairdressing sink. Sarah is just finishing rinsing out the suds. Eugene and Diego are getting their tools in final position.
EUGENE
Well, Krystal, we’ve had harder makeovers than this.
KRYSTAL
What was your hardest makeover ever?
EUGENE
Who would it have been, Diego?
DIEGO
Genghis Khan. His body was one great big catcher’s mitt full of pus. Afterwards I had to power-wash the walls in here.
EUGENE
How is George’s hair looking?
KRYSTAL
He’s obviously never used a proper conditioner. But then people from history never did.
EUGENE
Hair conditioner only became popularized in the United States in the 1970s when shampoo manufacturers realized they could double their earnings from shampoo by dividing it into two different product categories.
DIEGO
(nods) Genius.
KRYSTAL
Can we talk to George while we operate?
EUGENE
By all means. Turn the general anaesthetic dial to “Conversation.”
KRYSTAL
Done.
George wakes up.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Where am I now? Oh it’s you, Krystal my angel!
Krystal blushes while Eugene and Diego exchange a g
lance.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONT’D)
What’s happening to me?