HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters, Page 2

  First of all, it must be performed standing up, as anything else is considered merely foreplay. Due to the obvious physical differences, the male digs a small hole 0.2 metres square and 0.1 metres deep. The female then stands 0.05 metres back from the hole. The male then takes a pole (usually a wedding gift) which can be bent under force without breaking and then resume it's original straight axis. The male takes a run at the female with the pole held horizontal to the ground, aiming at the hole. Once the point of the pole makes contact with the hole, the male continues running until the pole reaches it's most springy point and propels him towards the female torso in a hope to cling on. This usually results in the male flying past the female at great height or hitting the female so hard he knocks her over. This is viewed as one of the saddest cases in the Universe and also as another good reason why the Earth was shunned for many years, because they chose to ridicule the act with a sport called the pole vault.

  Another event associated with wedding is the stag night. For the Quoquobuletes it was a chance for a last minute training session to perfect technique, but for most males it is a damn good excuse to get drunk, insult people, act offensively and generally be a nuisance. As Zaphod Beeblebrox is a recognised expert in all of these fields, his stag night promised to be a showstopper.

  Psychologists have many theories about the deep hidden reasons for a stag night, such as striking a final blow for freedom or getting into a state where nothing after would be as bad, but these have never been ratified as the last person you would invite on a stag night would be a psychologist.

  So, Ford Prefect was heading for Zaphod's for the sole purpose of being on the stag night and Arthur Dent was heading towards Zaphod's on a purely social visit, which would end up as a stag night they would never forget.

  CHAPTER 43

  "It says here that Zaphod's planet is a 'peaceful haven for the famous with glorious mountains which blend in beautifully with the tropical beaches. It offers good skiing, great libraries and plenty of people who think that they are cool and think they can drink.' Sounds like something from the Magrathean catalogue," said Arthur.

  "Who are the Magratheans?" asked Fenchurch.

  "Oh, they were the galaxy's equivalent of Harrods. They could build any sort of planet to your exact specification. I'm afraid to say that the Earth was built by them."

  "You mean to say that someone actually specified Milton Keynes?"

  "No, it's a very long story, but I don't think Milton Keynes was ever intended. One day I'll tell you about the Golgafrincham B Ark."

  "We should have time. I think this is going to be a very long journey."

  "That's the trouble with this hitch-hiking lark, you get a lot of time on your hands."

  Fenchurch took his hand and squeezed it.

  "I'm glad I'm spending it with you."

  Arthur swallowed and tried to stop his palm from being so sweaty. He had never felt so happy being so uncomfortable.

  "Much as I appreciate the lift we're getting, I think this ship is the equivalent of a 2CV on Earth." Arthur tried to think of a 2CV in desperation, but his mind kept fighting back to Fenchurch's warm hand in his. He looked around for some form of distraction. There weren't many.

  They were in the hold of a family cruiser belonging to some Quoquobuletes who were on their first holiday to the sunny planet of Beebles, home of Zaphod Beeblebrox. Arthur and Fenchurch had hitch-hiked, using their souvenir God's Final Message to His Creation electronic thumb, to a large space service station, where lots of little creatures were charging around and adult creatures were stretching their arms, legs and in some cases, other extremities. Arthur bought some Babel fish and had a lot of trouble convincing Fenchurch that putting one in you ear was a really good idea. They soon found out that conversations weren't any different at this service station than they were on any service station on Earth. Short cuts, the lousy condition of the toilets and the cost compared with a local station were the general order of the day. Arthur had eventually found someone going to Beebles and willing to give them a lift. Their travelling companions consisted of Mr and Mrs Xoloho and their three children. Their holiday was being paid for by the Quoquobulete government for being the first couple in Quoquobulete history to produce more than two children.

  Mr Xoloho walked, if it could be called that (it closely resembled poor computer graphics), into the hold.

  "The wife's getting a bit tired driving, so I'm going to take over," he explained. "We'll take the next turning off the hyperspace tract to fit the male driving adapter equipment. If you could give my wife a hand it should be fitted in half an hour."

  "It'll be my pleasure," said Arthur

  "Actually, I was referring to your young lady," said Mr Xoloho.

  Arthur almost got flustered, then realised that Mr Xoloho had good reason to view the female as the dominant sex. Fenchurch laughed and Arthur reconsidered being flustered, but Mr Xoloho had gone.

  "They're so nice, aren't they?" Sighed Fenchurch. "I never expected aliens to be so polite."

  "They are not all like that, there were these creatures I once met called the Vogons and they...." The ship lurched out of hyperspace and Arthur's stomach lurched out of place. He stood up but his body didn't want to leave before any of it's vital organs and slumped down again.

  "I could do without that," groaned Fenchurch.

  "You should try matter transference, or rather you shouldn't. It makes coming out of hyperspace seem like coming out of a sauna."

  "Remind me not to try matter transference."

  "I'll do my best."

  They gingerly stood up and went to the front of the ship. The Xoloho children had already disembarked and Mrs Xoloho was disentangling herself from the controls. Arthur walked out and into the Ship Park. There were about two dozen ships of varying sizes parked. Arthur saw two people going from ship to ship.

  "Hitch-hikers," thought Arthur. Then he saw one of them wearing an irritating grin. He couldn't believe it.

  "Ford!" Yelled Arthur. Ford looked up, grabbed Bob's hand and ran over to Arthur.

  "We meet again," said Arthur, shaking Ford's free hand.

  "Yes," replied Ford. "Did you get to see Cod's Final Message?"

  "We did and very..

  "I think it's overrated," interrupted Ford, grinning with the knowledge that he had irritated Arthur.

  "We met Marvin."

  "The paranoid android? How is the old misery?"

  "I've got some of what's left of him in this carrier bag."

  "Arthur, this is Bolo." Ford modelled his flow of conversation on Brownian motion principles.

  "Hello, Polo. Is that like the mint with..

  "No, it's spelt with a B." Ford realised Arthur was grinning. It irritated him, which was the precise reason why Arthur was grinning. Ford's grin slipped slightly.

  Arthur shook Bob's hand and wanted to borrow her smile. He could win friends and influence people with a smile like that.

  "What are you up to anyway?" Asked Ford, irritated this time by the length of the handshake.

  "Well I was going to visit Zaphod with Fenchurch, she's in the ship over there, doing some adapting of some sort," said Arthur, casually pointing in the direction of half a dozen ships.

  "Oh, so you're off to Zaphod's wedding too?" Asked Bob.

  Arthur's jaw dropped and he looked at Ford in disbelief. Arthur's brain took no responsibility for his jaw as it showed great indecision.

  "Zaphod? Married? To Trillian?" He blurted out.

  "Yes to all three." Ford was glad he had the upper hand again. Fenchurch joined them.

  "Hello, Ford. Nice to see you again. Nice to see you sober as well

  "Fenchurch, this is Bob. Bob, this is Fenchurch. Could you go and get us some food?" Ford said, in his best 'could you please go and leave us alone so we can have a private talk' voice. They obliged.

  "Zaphod?" Arthur was speechless bar that one word.

  "Didn't you know? It's the biggest news since Eccentrica
Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6, opened her night club planet

  "Didn't you say they had some kids?"

  "Yeah, he's going to do the decent thing," grinned Ford. "First time for everything."

  "I'm stunned." Arthur wasn't lying.

  "Not as much as you will be." Ford looked over his shoulder to make sure the women were out of hearing range. "When I say 'wedding' what's the first thing you think of?"

  "Rice down the back of my neck from a lousy shot."

  "No, no, before the wedding!"

  "Getting a present?"

  "You're missing my point!" Yelled Ford. He took a deep breath and continued. "What do the men do the night before a wedding?"

  "Go on a Stag night!" Arthur felt enlightened then thought of the other stag night he had been on. True, everyone got fairly drunk but he got separated from the crowd on the way to Soho and ended up in Waterloo Station. Those who did make it to Soho were arrested and missed the wedding and as Arthur was the only one from the stag night to turn up, all the guests took it out on him.

  "Right! And Zaphod's will go down in the guide as the greatest ever!" Ford found himself doing a little dance in celebration. Mr Xoloho came over to them.

  "We'll be ready in about five minutes," he said to Arthur.

  "Could you take two more hitch-hikers?" Asked Arthur. "I've known this one for countless years and I know he won't give you any trouble."

  "Sure, the more the merrier." He turned and returned to the ship.

  "These are nice people, so please behave." Pleaded Arthur.

  "You know me." Ford played his winning stroke backed up by his best grin. Arthur made a mental note to try harder in future.

  CHAPTER 44

  Zaphod lounged on the patio by the swimming pool. His estate was right by the tropical sea, but he had a swimming pool all the same. Status symbols only served their purpose if they were never used. He turned a dial, which raised his sun bed a further two inches off the ground and tilted it a few more degrees. One of his heads drained a tropical drink as the other called for another. A cocktail robot flitted over to him and filled the glass. The robot was the only one of it's kind to be programmed to mix a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster the traditional way. It had cost a fortune, but Zaphod felt it was worth it. Trillian's sun bed floated along side his. She had a beautiful tan.

  "Are you going to the office today?" She asked without turning.

  "Nah, too nice a day."

  "Every day here is the same."

  "I know, great isn't it?" Mellowed Zaphod. "Besides, Heart of Gold is in for 12,000 omp service."

  "How long will that take?" Trillian actually turned her head.

  "I don't know. The bastards have it overnight, so they can do the galaxy, try and impress some chicks with it, recover, give it a couple of kicks, leave greasy fingerprints all over it and work out an extortionate bill. It could take days.'

  "Why not take it somewhere else?"

  "You kind of know where you stand with these guys. They're hoopy."

  "But they'll rip you off!"

  "Not this time. I pulled a couple of wires. If they miss them, it's curtains. I told them who I am and what would happen if they didn't do a proper job."

  "Blackmail?"

  "It's called good business. If they do a good job, they'll come out of it alright."

  A small monitor flew from the house and hovered in front of Zaphod. He squinted and shaded his eyes.

  "Hey, we've got visitors," beamed Zaphod. "Ford and the monkey man are here with some chicks. Freeooww!"

  "You mean Arthur," said Trillian firmly. She waited. "Aren't you going to let them in?"

  "Not yet, I want to see them ogle a little while longer," chuckled Zaphod. "I can almost hear them saying this can't be my place."

  "This can't be Zaphod's place!" Arthur said, disgusted by the fact that he knew it was.

  "He must have done pretty well for himself since the Krikkit business," said Ford.

  "What was...."

  "Don't ask, Fenchurch," snapped Arthur. "It's not something I want to be reminded of."

  The door swung silently open. No 'happy service' or ' glad to be of service'. Zaphod had made it big. He stood in the doorway, arms open.

  "Hi hi hi guys, good to see me, isn't it. No seriously, hi Ford, Arthur. Who are the chicks?"

  "These ladies are Fenchurch and Bolo," said Arthur.

  "Hi Bolo, nice to see you again."

  "You, you've met?" Spluttered Ford.

  "Yes, Zaphod's the guy with the grey limo from Han Dold City," explained Bolo.

  "But don't mention it, the soon to be wife's inside," whispered Zaphod. "Come through to the patio."

  Trillian got off the sun bed to greet them. After the formal introductions of Fenchurch and Bolo, she put her arms around Ford and Arthur.

  "It's great to see you guys again, it's been too long," she said. She had been explained to Fenchurch and Bolo to avoid any embarrassment a gesture like this would have caused.

  "And we got here just in time," said Ford, rubbing his hands together. "When's the big night, I mean day?"

  "Two days time, we hoped you would make it."

  "Wouldn't miss it for the planet." Ford winked at Arthur.

  "Nice place you've got here," admired Arthur. It was meant to be admired. The house sprawled lazily like a basking octopus over the entire beach, which curved into a tropical bay. Beautiful snowy mountains rose majestically behind the house.

  "It's not bad," said Trillian, looking at Zaphod. "It's the only place we could find to accommodate Zaphod's ego!"

  "What, the house or the planet?" Asked Arthur.

  "Hey, guys! What is this, get at Zaphod day or something?" Exclaimed Zaphod.

  "So, what have you been up to, Zaphod, to get all of this?" Asked Ford. Trillian sighed and took the women away to show them around the house.

  "I'm glad you asked. Pull up a sun bed."

  "Is it going to take that long?" Asked Arthur.

  "No monkey man, you're just looking a little peaky, the suns will do you the world of good." Arthur ignored the insult and climbed on the sun bed. He was immediately turned upside down.

  "Turn the dial," said Ford, climbing onto his sun bed.

  Arthur fiddled with the dial and eventually got himself into a position where the two suns beat down on either side of his face, casting no shadows.

  "This is paradise," he sighed.

  "No, it's Beebles, it's got a much better ring to it," said Zaphod. "Anyway, after the Krikkit lark, the galactic police caught up with me, but they just wanted to escort me to the galactic council. They were still angry over the Heart of Gold, but once I explained to them how I saved the Universe from the Krikkits, they were fine."

  "But you didn't...." started Arthur.

  "Don't interrupt," interrupted Zaphod. "They said I couldn't really go back to being President, but would be willing to give me any other job I wanted. I didn't mess around, guys. I went for the big one. Guys, you are now looking at the new Owner Editor for the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy." He paused for effect. "With the platinum handshake I got, I put down a deposit for a Magrathean planet. Now I've got my planet and the Magratheans have a full page advert for a year. The rest is made up from the tourist trade."

  "So, basically, you're rolling in it," said Ford.

  "Exactly," said Zaphod.

  "Good, you can pay me the money I'm owed for the coverage on Earth!" Ford held out his hand.

  "But I got it all put in instead of the edited version, isn't that enough?"

  "No, I don't do this for the love, you know."

  "You really find out who your friends are when you become their owner," muttered Zaphod.

  "Owner!" Shouted Ford.

  "Yeah, apparently, as a researcher your guide remains the property of Megadodo Publications, which is the property of myself, and your contract states that as you are in possession of the guide, you are the property of Megadodo Publications, w
hich is in turn, well, you know the rest."

  "Well here's fifty nine point nine nine alterian dollars," said Ford, thrusting money in Zaphod's hand, then took his researchers card out of his pocket and threw it in the swimming pool. "I quit."

  "Nice to see you again Ford," beamed Zaphod.

  "And you mate," grinned Ford. They embraced, realised how silly they looked and separated. Arthur got on with getting tanned.

  "So what about the Stag Night?" Asked Ford.

  "Well I thought we could go to Eccentrica Gallumbits' new night club planet, it's supposed to be wild."

  "Great," said Ford.

  "Are you in, monkey man?" Asked Zaphod.

  "Yes, four eyes, I'm in." Arthur dialled himself a greater angle. Screaming and hollering filled the air, causing Arthur to upend his sun bed and land, too heavily, on the floor. Two little kids hammered towards him, leapt over his cowering body and into Zaphod's arms.

  "Little brats," he said, grinning paternally. "I've named the oldest one Phil, after my Earth name. The nipper's called Trisha, after Trillian's Earth name."

  "Arthur studied them closely. They looked like normal kids, maybe a bit too cute for his liking, but still normal. He breathed a sigh of relief to the fact that they had taken after their mother.

  "Children, this is Uncle Ford and Uncle Arthur." Zaphod had changed, thought Arthur. The kids giggled and buried their faces in Zaphod. He shook his heads, still grinning. "Bless 'em."

  Arthur felt that 'bless 'em' should be mentioned every time their names were said as an unofficial middle name. He had a niece on Earth called Michaela and he always associated her name with 'bless her heart'. Michaela 'bless her heart' Martin. It had a nice ring to it and if you ever met her, you would know how applicable it was. By this time, Zaphod, the kids and Ford had gone inside. Arthur hurried into the house.