Under My Skin, Page 21

  When I meet her eyes again, they’re emotionless. “This is how you got shot,” she says flatly.

  I nod. “Marty O’Shea came to me and told me he’d heard I was looking to make some money on the side.” When she hears the name, her body jerks in a surprise and then she shuts her eyes and shakes her head. “He grilled me. Tried to see just how far I’d be willing to go and whether or not I’d turn on him. Pointed out I was dating the Chief’s daughter, and I told him that was exactly why I needed to get cash and get it quickly. My problems with betting on the ponies had gotten me in deep with some loan sharks who weren’t going to wait much longer for their money, and I was desperate to pay the debt. Desperate to protect you and desperate to get it behind me so I could move on with my life. He bought it, hook, line, and sinker and a few days later, he came to me and told me his guys had given him the okay to bring me in. He didn’t tell me what we’re going to be doing or when we’re going to be doing it but he did tell me the minute I show up, I’d better forget about growing a conscience because if I fuck up, the people he works for won’t hesitate to put a lead bullet in me. An hour before I was supposed to pick you up for the Policeman’s Ball, Marty called and told me we’d been mobilized. I was to meet him at the old warehouse on Stone Road within the half hour.” I look at her helplessly. “Everything else happened in a blur. I called it in, and we had a team of agents staking out the warehouse when Marty and I got there. For a while, we were alone, but then the van with the girls pulls up and ten minutes later, the boss showed up with some of his other people to check out the goods. When our guys busted in, they realized what was going on but it was too late for them to escape and they opened fire.”

  I keep talking, and by the time I finish the story, her gaze bounces from me to around the apartment and back to me. “I want to see your badge.”

  Immediately, my hand reaches for my back pocket, and I give it to her. She takes it in her small hands and examines it thoroughly, turning it around so she can inspect the back as well as the front. She sets it on the coffee table next to her bottle of water before turning to look at me.

  “So my father knew?”

  “Yes.”

  “My brother?”

  “No, absolutely not. No one else knew.”

  “Your grandmother?”

  “She knew I was working undercover, she had to know that at the very least because she knew I’d left the force years ago, but she didn’t know specifics around what I was doing nor did she ask. Even if she had, I couldn’t have told her anyway.”

  Her hands are clasped tightly in her lap and when she looks down at them, a drop of moisture falls onto them. “Don’t cry Princess. Please.”

  Her head jerks up sharply and she narrows her eyes at me. They’re filled with unshed, angry tears. “I’m so stupid. I should have known something was going on, but you know what, I can deal with that because I saw what I wanted to see in you. Why did you bring me here, Mark? What’s your end goal?”

  “I brought you here because I needed to tell you the truth.”

  “So what? You still threw me away like garbage,” she hisses.

  “I thought I was protecting you.”

  She looks at me incredulously. “Are you fucking serious right now? You’re joking, right?”

  I sigh. “Look, what I do is not a joke. I don’t do the nine to five thing, I don’t crunch numbers, and I deal with hardened criminals. Those girls, the ones that were being transported? They’re all from war torn countries in Eastern Europe who thought they were signing up to be au pairs in America. They had no clue they were going to be sold and bought like cattle. When we found them, they were doped half out of their mind with track marks bruising their arms from needles that had been forcefully pushed into them. That’s who I deal with Liz. I couldn’t bear the thought of you somehow getting mixed up in it.”

  “How the fuck would I get mixed up in it, Mark?” she screams. Her face had lost some color when I described the state of the girls to her, but now it rushes back into her face full force as she gets worked up.

  I glare at her. “You have no idea what you mean to me. All someone has to do to get to me is hurt you.”

  “You hurt me, you asshole, and now you’re trying to give me some half baked explanation to wash away your stupidity.” She swipes angrily at her eyes and stands up to leave.

  My heart jumps into my throat. “That’s not all of it,” I say quickly. I remain seated, hoping it helps her feel like she’s got some leverage. She stares down at me. “It’s not all of it. After I woke up, all I could think about was you.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it.”

  “Give me a chance. Please, just let me explain this, and I promise if you want to leave afterward, I will call you a cab to take you home or get you a room in the city, if that’s what you want, myself.”

  “You have two minutes,” she bites out then pointedly looks at the wall clock.

  “I know we were just starting out, but I fell fast and hard. I know you did too, which was why it made some twisted sense in my head. I figured it was better to rip off the band-aid because sweetheart, you deserve it all. All I could think was what if we kept going and one day I didn’t come home to you? What if we were married, what if we had children? What if I died? What would it do to you then? I wanted to set you free so you could find someone who didn’t come with the risks that I do.” I don’t know why my words sound so lame when it all made sense before.

  Her tiny hands fist and her face turns so red, I start to worry. “You sanctimonious, self-serving motherfucker!” she screams. “You think I didn’t have those same questions after you got shot? Do you really, really think I didn’t wonder about those same things? You think I wasn’t scared that we would get into this harder, deeper and then you would be ripped away from me?” Her face is twisted now because she’s sobbing, and it makes me want to fall to my knees in front of her. She draws in a shuddering breath before laying into me again. “Do you really think so little of me to think I wouldn’t be able to make a decision on my own? Or at the very least trust me enough to have that conversation with me? I stayed in that hospital for days Mark, days. I talked to you when you couldn’t even hear me, I told you I loved you, I stayed by your side waiting for that moment when you would open your eyes, and I did a lot of thinking. I might not have known that you were an agent, but I knew your job placed you in danger. I knew that there might be the possibility of a day in the future that would destroy me, but you know what? I decided that it was worth it. I decided that loving you was a gift that would never compare, so even if I had it only for a little while, it would be worth the risk.”

  I swallow to clear the lump lodged in my throat, but I still can’t say anything so I close my eyes.

  “Open your eyes, you bastard!” she yells. “Look at me, you coward. I don’t care how many bullets get shot into your sniveling body, you are a coward because you didn’t want to deal with the nasty part of love! I waited for you to open your eyes, I prayed for you to open your eyes, and the first thing you did when it happened was break me.” Tears stream down her face, but she keeps going. “You told me what we had was nothing, but you’d be up for a ‘session or two’ if circumstances permitted.”

  I want to go to her. I want to take her in my arms until the sobs that rack her tiny frame subside, but I know she’ll reject my embrace, so I stay put and look on helplessly.

  “I needed to make you hate me because I know you’d never leave me otherwise. I know it sounds fucked up baby, but I did it because I didn’t think I could give you what you deserved.”

  The tip of her nose is red, and her eyes are puffy from her tears. A few dark trails of makeup stream down her face, but to me, she’s never looked more beautiful. “I can forgive a lot. I can deal with your undercover sting operation or whatever the fuck it was. I can live with the fact that you couldn’t tell me what was going on, but you— not only did you take the decision away from me, when you did it,
you hurt me. You cut me so deep I wondered if I’d heal. I don’t know if there’s anything more to say,” she whispers. “I can’t be here, around you right now. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll ask the doorman to call a cab, don’t bother.” She turns on her heel, and I scramble to my feet and follow her into the hallway.

  “Please don’t go,” I plead.

  She turns around to face me. “Bye Mark,” she says softly, and then she’s at the front door. Her small hand curls around the doorknob to turn it, and that’s when I start to ramble.

  I talk nonsensically, needing to tell her everything, needing for her to hear it because this is the last shot I’ve got at this. The words tumble out of my mouth, an outpouring out of my soul, my heart, my very self.

  “When you’d fall asleep, I used to stare at you. I’d just stay awake and let my eyes touch on every part of you. Your gorgeous face, the smooth curve of your neck, how your hair framed your face so perfectly.” As I’m speaking, she stills, and my heartbeat picks up pace when she makes no further movement to leave. I keep talking.

  “Your eyelashes are ridiculously long and thick. They look like little fans when they’re closed. I know you put that gunk on them, but you should know you don’t need to. You don’t need any of that stuff you put on your face to make you look pretty because you’re fucking gorgeous as it is. You should know a lot of things, and I swear to God, Elizabeth, if you give me a chance to make this right, I’ll spend every single waking minute of my life making sure you know all of them,” I say earnestly before drawing in a deep breath. “But you should also know because if you walk out of that door, one day you’re going to be in some other man’s arms, and you need to know your worth so he treats you like the prize you are.”

  Her shoulders jerk slightly and a sound like a hiccup leaves her mouth, but she still doesn’t turn around.

  “You should know every time I look into your eyes, I think they look like gemstones. I know I never got to buy you jewelry, but if I had, it would have been something to match your eyes. You should know that every single time you smile, it feels like you’re giving me a gift. Your dimples slay me.” I swallow hard, and shut my eyes tightly against the moisture threatening to fall because there’s a very real possibility that when I close my eyes tonight, I’ll have lost her forever. Eyes still shut, I continue. “You smell like honeysuckle and home, and some of the best moments of my life were when I had you in my arms, and I could bury my nose in your hair. You should know that you’re so enchanting, you’re so captivating, my head couldn’t turn from you to look at another woman if I wanted it to. You should know that aside from my Grams, you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, but I never once felt anything less than a man around you. If you meet some asshole who feels threatened by your strength, your earning potential, or your brilliant fucking brain, you kick him to the backseat. You’re a force to be reckoned with Princess. Don’t ever be less than who you are for anyone.”

  By now, my throat’s constricted and I’ve given up on trying to hold back. Wet streams down my face, and I know she’s crying too because her shoulders are shaking, her beautiful head is looking down at the floor and she’s wrapped her arms around herself, like she’s hugging herself.

  “And finally, you should know that every moment I spent with you, I will cherish always. You know that saying about it being better to have loved and lost instead of never loving at all? I didn’t get it, even up to a few days ago because it felt like my heart had been ripped out and I thought it was just sappy bullshit people tell themselves so they feel better, but now…I know what they mean. Now I know,” I whisper, “that it will never be as good as the real thing, but every time I close my eyes and remember your face, my soul is going to lift and my heart is going to smile because I was the luckiest man on earth to have had you. I love you, Elizabeth Marie Connor, and I want you to find love.”

  I’m suspended in time, waiting for her next move. I hold my breath when she lifts her head and then it leaves my body in a huge whoosh when she doesn’t turn around. Her hand reaches for the door once more, and I turn around because I can’t watch her go.

  My mouth is dry when I say the words, but I need to say them. “Be happy for me, my crazy beautiful girl.”

  Liz

  I howl.

  At least, I think it’s a howl. It’s definitely not a human sound that leaves my throat when I turn around only to see that I’m facing his back, and he’s walking from the foyer deeper into his apartment.

  “Are you going to throw us away for a second time jerk-face?” I shout, and he spins around, shock on his face. It’s obnoxious, I know, but it’s the only way defense I have right now because he’s stripped me bare. Every single word he’s spoken in the last few minutes felt like a spear thrown in my rapidly weakening resolve to walk out of there with my head held high, but I’m destroyed when he tells me to be happy.

  Perhaps it’s because he explained his dumbass thought process behind crushing my heart the first time, or maybe it’s just hearing him say the words, but I feel like I can understand where he was coming from when he did it. I’m still wrapped in turmoil, and I suspect that it’s going to take some hard work on both of our parts to completely get rid of it, but I’m through trying to pretend. Mark is there, under my skin, in my heart—he’s with me always, regardless of whether we’re together or apart. Right now, it’s my choice as to whether or not I want him to be there as a phantom with his memory lurking over my shoulder or with me as my man, holding my hand and walking side by side.

  “I thought you were leaving.”

  My heart starts to thump hard. “I’m standing here, aren’t I? You’re the one halfway back into your man cave.” Thump. Thump. Thump.

  “You had your hand on the door knob.”

  “Duh. You didn’t lock your door. For someone who’s paranoid about my safety and security, you’re slacking horribly,” I tell him, and I can see the change come over his face. Even though I was hurting, it sucked seeing him in pain too.

  It made it worse, actually, but now he’s looking at me with those gorgeous whisky eyes I love so much, and they’re filled with something other than remorse and regret. They’re filled with hope.

  A glimmer of a smile graces his lips. “The door has a triple automatic lock function that sets in place once it’s shut. You should know I’d never fuck around when it comes to keeping you safe Princess.”

  “I know a little too well, I think,” I say. We’re still standing there, staring at each other and then…

  “Fuck it,” I mutter, before taking each of my heels off, foot by foot, and tossing them behind me.

  Even though this whole conversation has been sobering, I still have enough alcohol in my system to make me mildly intoxicated, so my first steps are wobbly. I break into a full run, and he opens his arms right as I launch myself at him so hard he stumbles back a bit. I loop my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist before I give it to him good. “Mark Daniels, I’ve slapped you in a church, I’ve kneed you in the balls, and so help me God if you walk away after laying all of that on me, I will make you suffer to the point where eating glass for breakfast, lunch, and dinner will look like a more palatable option!” I’m saying this all the while kissing his gorgeous face, over and over. My heart feels so full and huge, I’m sure there’s no more room for any of the other organs in my body.

  “I thought you were leaving,” he whispers before he takes my face between his palms. He leans his forehead against mine. “I thought I’d lost you for good.”

  “You didn’t,” I whisper back. “You’re still pretty far up shit’s creek and we still have a lot of talking to do, but you didn’t lose me.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  I smile and press my lips against his. “You really don’t, but that just might be my sexual frustration speaking. Who knows what I’ll say after a good lay?”

  He laughs against my lips. “I missed you so much. Even the crazy shit that com
es out of your mouth, I missed that too.”

  I’m about to defend my crazy shit, but then his mouth covers mine, and I stop thinking completely. He kisses me deeply, and it’s mind-blowing. It’s always amazing when he touches me, but I’ve missed this so much, I’ve been deprived of it for so long, right now it’s turning me into a tangled, combustible mess of blissful sensation. His hands squeeze my ass, and then he grips me so close that if we didn’t have clothes on right then, he’d be inside me. He’s rock hard and huge, and the way he’s rocking his hips against me right now is a tease. I need more. I want more. It’s a shame I have to pause our kiss, but right now I need to be crystal clear with him so he knows what he’s getting back into and so I make the effort to drag my mouth away from his.