To the many magnificent and strange advertisers of the LRB personals column—thank you. You have refused to listen to any dating advice other than mine for more than a decade and, as a result, are probably doomed to wander the earth alone like love zombies. I accept no responsibility whatsoever. I’d also like to thank the business and editorial staff of the LRB for nurturing such a committed audience. Belated thanks are due to Kate Griffin at Profile for her Olympian work on the previous volume, They Call Me Naughty Lola, and to Ginny Flynn for letting me wear her clothes and make-up. At Scribner, I’m grateful to Nan Graham and Susan Moldow for indulging this nonsense, to Kate Bittman for indulging my constant whining and to Anna deVries for lurking in the shadows with me to help fashion this book from the lava and sediment of so many broken hearts and dreams. To Nicola, Alannah and Edith Rose, I owe far too much to express here, but in the context of this book—thank you for eating dinner while I banged on about how awesome it would be to be put in a choke-hold by Phil Fondacaro. To my unofficial biographer/priest and personal chef, Reverend Tim Johnson, I’d like to offer my eternal gratitude for often cutting short his evenings watching The Real Ghostbusters to volunteer an unending stream of military aircraft trivia, which has served me well in the making of this book and, indeed, my evolution as a man. Thank you to Ramone’s bakery and café in Eureka and the Ya Habibi dance troupe in Arcata, California, for letting me mooch from their wi-fi signals more times than I ever had the guts to admit to. I’d especially like to thank the following individuals, whose marks, wisdoms and insights are firmly impressed upon the LRB personals and the forgotten wishes of lonely people throughout the intellectual world: Laird Barrett, Howard Bromelow, Ben Campbell, Bryony Dalefield, Vera Huebner, Kate Parkinson, Louisa Sommerville, Nicholas Spice and Sara Tsiringakis. But the biggest thank-you of all goes to Nina Stegeman, who waved her crooked wand and suffered far too many rewrites, far too much of my angst, and an excess of general bullshit so that this volume, and my literary reputation, could stake their rightful claim in bathrooms across the United States and beyond.
Index of lead-ins
001100110011001000 91
1996 was the best year of my life 132
3 June, 1844 123
38 years of non-stop sitting and snacking 99
6.10am, January 19, 1977 124
9.30 Night of a Thousand Shows 101
A friend once bought me a pair of novelty underpants 125
A list of what I’m looking for in a man 71
A lot of people say these ads are tacky and tasteless 17
A night with me 98
A sexual renaissance compels me 100
According to my records 63
Agerum, Alvine, Lång 130
All humans are 99.9% genetically identical 30
All too often the companion adjective 145
Although this is an advert that screams excitement 56
Amyl nitrite 57
An inspired calligrapher 90
And the award for Reformed Criminal Mastermind 65
Apparently BBW 100
Apparently the Three Symmedians 88
Are you more Peret than du Pré? 53
Are you planning on crossing the road 109
Are you the man of my dreams? 15
As it happens, 11.34am 110
At first glance you may consider me 25
Ball-breaking irrational F 81
Beard. Have one? 131
Beard. Real ale. 34
Being a Capricorn with an ascendant Sagittarius 26
Brief personality multi-choice 29
By reading this advert 108
Capricorn Fifteens 105
Casanova began his career as a librarian 55
Catterick Ladies’ Circle 113
Changes in fashion 86
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. 130
Colour-blind driving instructor 56
Come fly with me 64
Consult the spirits 107
Correct me if I’m wrong 53
Democracy doesn’t work 80
Did you just look at that other advert? 38
Did you march in the streets in 1968? 54
Does anyone know what I did last summer? 70
Does anyone read these ads? 114
Does sex have to rear its ugly head? 56
Does that billet doux you’re writing 64
Don’t listen to your inner voice 101
Don’t look back in anger 79
Don’t refer to your biceps as ‘guns’ 146
Drooling, toothless sociopath 23
‘Du bist eine Maultasche’ 141
Easily-distracted cytogeneticist 92
England’s best hope for Olympic gold 53
English lecturer, 44 93
Ever woken up and wondered 77
Everyone in this column has an agenda 43
Fame? Riches? 62
Fear. Alienation. 138
Fidelity. The recognition of the supreme importance of love 61
Former Miss World 97
Forty years ago 114
Forward this personal ad to ten friends 109
Found love yet? 61
Frankly, I don’t think there’s anywhere near enough salt 72
Frau Emmy of Colchester 42
Get out. And don’t come back. 139
Getting laid through Match.com 118
Girlfriend in a coma 74
‘Go on, son, hit me in the stomach’ 26
‘Good news!...’ 145
Gun for hire. Also terrapins for sale. 16
Hazlewood seeks Sinatra 114
Herring-bone Artex 129
Hubris made me pen this ad 135
I am Mr Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. 62
I am not as high maintenance 39
I am the only piece of eye-candy 97
I am the only valid reason to visit St Albans 126
I beg to differ 79
I begin each sexual performance with a tympani roll 43
I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me 22
I composed this advert 123
I could fit into a 42-inch waist trouser 71
I couldn’t care less 34
I don’t make cereal for anyone else 85
I got it bad and that ain’t good 71
I grazed my knee 48
I had to take part-time work 48
I hate you, Ray Romano 63
I have 39 years 99
I have a mug that says ‘World’s Greatest Lover’ 29
I have accommodated many terms 31
I hope you’re sitting down 125
I intend to keep 109
I like bikes. And jam. 85
I made this magazine what it is today 16
I met all my previous lovers at Costco 132
I scrimshawed this advert 47
I sense a lot of sadness behind most of these ads 41
I spent an entire day in the British Library 48
I stole the contents of this ad 48
I stopped playing Freecell 47
I suppose the end began 145
I took steroids 69
I trew there’s charm in a wee pickle gear 42
I used to watch a lot of TV 110
I vacillate wildly between a number of archetypes 23
I walk the line 81
I was born to write this advert 91
I went to university 87
I will file you under ‘T’ for ‘Totty’ 29
I wish they all could be Californian 115
I wrote this ad 48
I wrote this advert specifically to rebuke my rivals 33
I’d like to dedicate this advert 125
I’d like to thank all the women of the LRB 99
I’m everything you ever wanted in a woman 81
I’m no Victoria’s Secret model 22
I’m not Edith Wharton 87
I’m placing this ad against my better judgment 41
I’m still Jenny from the block
98
I’m the entire third chapter 25
I’ve been parachuted in 23
I’ve kissed too many frogs in search of my prince 38
I’ve memorised every shortcut to Waitrose 78
I’ve spent my adult life fabricating reciprocal feelings 38
I’ve written every advert that’s ever appeared in this column 115
If a break-up to you means spending most lunchtimes 113
If clumsy, unfeeling lust is your bag 31
If I wear a mask 97
If I were a hamburger 55
If intense, post-fight sex scares you 21
If it wasn’t for this column 139
If partaking of the grape too eagerly 135
If there really was a god 100
If we hit it off and embark on a serious relationship 37
If we meet, it mustn’t conflict with 38
If you don’t believe an evening in my company 97
If you don’t love yourself 33
If you respond to this ad and agree to meet me 39
If you think I’m going to love you 39
In Analects, Confucius wrote 65
In April 1982 123
In February next year 124
In France, it’s just a kiss 56
In laboratory tests 49
In my house the electric sander is king 29
Is there a charming man out there 146
It is my manifest destiny to find a man 22
IT savant (M, 37) 136
It’s a jungle out there! 54
Just as chugging on a bottle 24
Just once I’d like to date a woman 140
Justify my strop 40
Labour power has only adopted the subjective conditions 85
‘Lait. Oh Dieu!’ 147
Last time I placed an advert in here 70
Latka Gravas of the Humanities concourse 93
Leave me alone with your father 98
Less Chicken Soup for the Soul 135
Let’s double down on Fifth Street 62
Let’s wipe the slate clean 40
Like a lot of people 69
Like the previous advertiser 33
Lonely? A yearning heart? 80
Love me, love my fungal skin complaint 74
Love? My eyes will tell you all 43
LRB on-line RPG nerds 117
LRB readers! 129
LRB subscribers 66
Man, 41 17
Man, 41 129
Man, 42 26
Man, 46. Animal in bed. 56
Man ahead of his time 106
Marcel Mauss–type figure 56
March 1993 88
Marry me 124
Meet the new face of indoor bowling! 22
Mentally, I’m a size eight 23
Michelle Barrow of Class 4C 70
Mid-twenties, divorced 142
MISTEAK! Spt the deliberit errers 141
Most partners cite the importance of having a loved one 81
My advert comes in the form 24
My complex personality 40
My favourite Thundercat was Cheetara 109
My ideal man is King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden 116
My last affair ended with 147
My last chance to leave home died in a house fire in 1978 37
My last date resulting from an ad in this column 118
My last husband was a loser 115
My last seven adverts in this column 21
My life is an endless hell 137
My lunch is my life 123
My most humbling moment 61
My psychotherapist 48
My resolution for 2007 was to finish my PhD 140
My self-compiled love-making tape 53
My subscription to the LRB 53
My success as a lover is matched 15
My way or the highway 15
My Weltanschauung informs me 92
My winning streak in this column 135
myspace.com 131
Narcissus of Truro 34
Nepenthes rajah 126
Newly divorced man, 38 117
Newly divorced man, 46 114
Nineties upper-class Poll Tax rebel 33
No beards 114
No obligation whatsoever 37
No. You cannot show me your 147
Normally on the first few dates 30
Not all that wheezes is asthma 70
Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams 89
Nothing makes me feel more alive 54
Nothing says ‘I love you’ in a more sincere way 21
Obwohl sie eine erfolgreiche Investment-Bankerin war 118
Once was wonderful 33
One day I’ll edit this magazine 114
One day this advert 71
One night stands based on lust 78
One-time Mario Andretti 17
Ordinarily I shun all things 135
Peel half a mango and slice into a blender 77
Philanthropy is my middle name 29
Placing this advert 146
Play your cards right and I’ll marry you 64
Prevent your new-cut sweeping fringe 142
Publishing’s Next Big Thing 66
Puny Earthlings! 105
Quornbaya, my Lord, quornbaya 16
Read the small-print 65
Re-enact the American Civil War in my kitchen 16
Rejection is always the hardest part of a relationship 80
Rich old buggers about to peg it 65
Rippling hunk of a guy 24
Safety first. Dignity second. 136
‘Scarface’, ‘Mad Dog’ 138
Sent to prison by a military court 25
Serial personal advertiser 135
Serial winner of Alan Bennett audio books 56
Sexually, I’m more of a Switzerland 56
‘Shame’ and ‘terror’ 54
Shepherd of Love 69
Short-changed by the pie-vendor of love 130
Social parasite 65
Some incidents in life are blacked-out for a reason 42
Some men can only be loved 98
Sorry is not the hardest word 93
Spend your days looking for an alibi? 80
Stare at the back of your hand for 30 seconds 131
Stop with all the small talk 97
Subscribed for the crossword 92
Superheroes of BMX 108
Sweet Caroline (da, da, daaa) 25
Tall, handsome, well-built 23
Ten things you should know about me 77
That darksome cave they enter 33
The average person 39
The complete list of my sexual conquests 138
The eighties never went away! 63
The eyes said ‘take me, I’m yours’ 98
The finest mind in the academic world conceived this ad 64
The genre-crossing personal ad 105
The Harlequin of Doubt 98
The last time I wrote a lonely heart advert 140
The low-resolution personal ad 21
The Necker cube of personal ads 89
The only name listed under my old school 109
The only thing missing in this column 125
The origin of evil may have been a problem for the Romantics 15
The original C&A man 90
The Owl Who Married a Goose 41
The pin number for my credit card is 1917 85
The Red Devils flew over this ad 141
The rumours are true! 73
The Schrödinger’s cat 90
The song that most puts me in the mood for love 55
The toughest decision I ever had to make 32
The usual hyperbole infuses this ad 31
The wind left my sails years ago 53
There aren’t enough hours in the day 69
There comes a point 116
There is only one recorded instance 124
There’s something about austere cleanliness 102
These adverts give birth to a thousand violent dreams 37
These are my skills 89
They don’t call me Naughty Lola 53
They gave me this personal advert for free 32
They said I’d never dance again 73
They said the best way to a man’s heart 72
They say the pram in the hallway 129
Think of every sexual partner you’ve ever had 54
This ad has appeared before 140
This ad is emblematic of 47
This advert began as a limp 48
This advert first appeared 47
This advert is about as close as I come to 22
This advert is exactly what happens 43
This advert is further evidence 86
This advert is my best attempt 105
This advert is my entry 86
This advert is the only feel-good moment 32
This advert may well be the Cadillac of all lonely hearts adverts 73
This advert originally contained 47
This advert was constructed 47
This column is not a great place 131
This is positively your last chance to find love 115
This isn’t a lonely heart column 145
This personal ad 136
This personal advert 107
This personal advert completely debunks 91
This time next week 43
This town isn’t big enough for the both of us 142
This wheel’s on fire 17
Three years ago 99
Time is the serenest beauty of the camp 23
To the guy with the wild grey hair 146
Tomatoes of wrath 44
Two heads are better than one! 108
Two out of every ten times 24
Walk a mile in another man’s shoes 69
Wanted: rich, deaf and blind woman 131
Watch out! 110
Week 3—Day 2. Breakfast 139
We’ve all made mistakes 29
What a difference a junior suite makes! 65
What are the chances? 86
What do you get when you fall in love? 72
What kind of animal are you? 15
What you gonna 87
When Diana Rigg was in The Avengers I liked it 125
When I inevitably read this ad again 129
When life gives you lemons 136
When love eludes you 113
When not in my London city office 32
When replying to this ad 115
When the Antmen unite 108
When the authorities eventually remove 107
When the switch is in the ‘T’ position 57
When we eventually meet for dinner 79
Whilst calming down after a heated argument 78
Whilst I look forward to an engaging 30
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? 142
Why waste time in the bath? 26